HowTo:Nail a glass to a wall
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So, your friend bet you $70 that you couldn't nail a glass to a wall. Sounds easy enough, right? WRONG. Nailing a glass to a wall is a sacred and
impossible difficult process. Only the brave of heart, the true of mind and the incredibly active can fail successfully complete this ancient ritual. If you can't, go kill yourself because your family will disown you, Jenny will kill you (once you leave prison}, and every Uncyclopedian will have the rights to point and laugh at your miserable, sorrowful self. Anyway, let's hope you screw up quite badly succeed, because here's some things you can do once you have nailed a glass to a wall:
- Keep it there
- Fill it with water, and when some noob comes around, turn the cup upside down. Laughter ensues!
- Same as above but use dihydrogen monoxide. More laughter ensues!
- Show your friend so you can get your $70 from them.
Step One: Stuff
Here's the crap you'll need:
- Nail. Make sure you don't have a rusty one... Ah, don't bother. I know you have a rusty one anyway.
- Glass. You have one lying around.
- Wall. If you don't know what this is, please click this link. This site may be better for your small, unusable brain.
- Hammer. This hammer must be exactly 7 inches tall, weigh 356 grams, and have a steel head. However, due to your extreme mental retardation, we have some examples.
Now that that's over with, let's move on, shall we?
Step Two: The Hard Part
(Not like the other part was considered 'easy')
Hold the hammer like you would hold it if you were planning to nail a glass to a wall. You probably can't do this, due to your unfunctioning cerebral cortex. Oh well, who cares? But still, if you are part of the 2% of people who have (partly) functioning brains, here's the position.
- Put your feet exactly 3 inches apart from each other, in front of the wall.
- Take the hammer with your dominant/non dominant/prosthetic hand.
- Say this incantation: V NZ N PBZCYRGR YBFRE SBE NPGHNYYL OBGUREVAT GB FNL GUVF PENCCL PUHAX BS GRKG.
- Stay in this position until some guy comes and laughs at you.
Step Three: The Harder Part
This part involves a NAIL. Be careful not to get tetanus because you were lazy enough to pick out a rusty one.
You: Oh no! I sliced my pinky open with a rusty nail! Quick, call 911!
Random Guy: Nobody cares.
You is sent to hospital
You: Help! I'm dying!
Random Doctor: Nobody cares.
That was a nice story right? Just make sure you dont screw up like that failure.
Anyway, have the nail at exactly 31 degrees to the wall. Not 30, not 32, THIRTY ONE. This is the magic number for nailing a glass to a wall. Remember. 31.
You can put your hammer down now... WAIT, DID I SAY YOU COULD GET OUT OF THAT POSE!?
Step Four: The Last Part
Take your glass and hold it up to the wall. Get that guy to hold the nail for you as you, holding your hammer as if you were to nail a glass to a wall. Hit the nail. You may get your $70 from your friend now. Stay in that pose, though. It's funny.
However, if you failed, there are a few reasons why you might have failed.
- The nail wasn't at 31 degrees.
- You didn't stay in the pose.
- You were too busy stapling toast to a wall.
- You just naturally fail.
Either way, good luck trying to win back your family, Jenny and the whole of Uncyclopedia, because... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OWNED!