HowTo:Not die when eating mushrooms

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Don't you ever worry that, someday, you will eat a bad mushroom? Aren't you afraid that you will get ill? Aren't you ever afraid of dying when you're eating that yummy-looking red mushroom with the white spots? You "weren't until just now"? Oh, don't worry! This article is here to help!

Preparation[edit]

Mushrooms are edible growing things whose natural habitat is, usually, in forests. For some reason, a species called Homo sapiens is known for its desperate manner of eating everything in its path. That is the reason why mushrooms evolved to be poisonous, ugly, and, worst of all, distasteful. This didn't stop those evil destroyers of nature, though, and these days, mushrooms are a large part of a human's eating habits. Mushrooms never ended the fight, though, and so there are quite a few poisonous mushroom species. That is why this interesting article about How To Eat the Mushrooms Properly was made!

Some methods[edit]

Tip

Read a book of poisonous mushrooms, and make sure the ones you eat match the pictures in the book.

As we all know, mushrooms can be really dangerous if they wanna be. You can get ill, you can lose your taste buds, you can even die. And that's is no fun, is it? And because taking a mushroom-book with you every time you go into the forest is impractical, this article contains some easy-to-remember methods designed to help you avoid danger. They all start from a typical situation like this:

You're in a forest. You're strolling down the trail when you happen to notice an innocent and delicious-looking mushroom. Is it edible? Is it deadly!? You could just eat it and find out. However, since many types of mushroom can cause the permanent type of death, it might be best to employ some other method.

There are several ways to ascertain the edibility of a mushroom. Let's begin!

The squirrel-method[edit]

A squirrel eating nuts. Squirrels love nuts, but are not so keen on mushrooms, making this one of the most challenging - yet effective - methods.

First, you must find a squirrel. A bag of nuts would come in handy here as squirrels love them, even more than half-empty cans of lager. So we'll assume you've either managed to catch a squirrel, or were wise enough to have secreted one somewhere about your person before leaving the house this morning. In this case, you can progress to the next step.

Tie up that bushy-tailed tree rat, then force open his jaws. Next, feed him several chunks of the mushroom by placing them into his mouth and pushing them down his throat with your finger. If your 'nutkin' goes limp, drop him and the mushroom and carry on walking[1]. If he stays alive, keep the squirrel and finish the remaining mushroom yourself. Now repeat the process until either you get sick of the mushrooms or the squirrel balloons up and can't take any more. Instead of releasing the squirrel, take him to a local travelers' camp and offer them the stuffed squirrel in exchange for something really interesting in one of their trailers. This may seem hard on the squirrel, but, remember, that little bugger's life belonged to you from the moment he allowed himself to be caught for a handful of nuts.[2]

The Second Method[edit]

A non-yummy mushroom - unless you like wool!

If the previous method didn't work, don't worry! There are other ways to kill a squirrel check whether a mushroom can be eaten. Here's the Compass Method: take a compass with you, and then walk straight forward[3]. Walk straight forward for a short while until you meet up with a mushroom. That should be the first mushroom you see, right? ...What? What do you mean it wasn`t? You are truly a hopeless person, trusting us...

OK, start all over again. This time count the mushrooms you see, ok?

When you first see a mushroom, ignore it and keep walking. The next mushroom you come across should be edible, and can be safely eaten. No matter if it's pink and has lime-green-coloured spots on it, just eat the mushroom. It's a well-known fact that every second mushroom is edible, so you if you take every second mushroom, you won't die. Of course, there's a 50-percent chance that you have started counting from a wrong place. So good luck!

Cooking mushrooms[edit]

That's not what the picture looks like...You can have the first piece.

Well, the forest stroll is over and you're back at home with your mushrooms. But still you don't feel entirely confident that all of them can be safely consumed. Well, you should be. We know our stuff. And you have no idea what to cook from the mushrooms yet, do you? And if you cook the food in the wrong way... Oh dear.

This section has some extra-safe cooking recipes and, most importantly, the dishes they'll enable you to create are really delicious![4] These could make you finally enjoy the wondrous tastes mushrooms...

Mushroom Pizza[edit]

Ahh, that perennial classic, the Mushroom Pizza. My mama cooked this for me when I was a bambino, but then when I was seven years old mama died in front of me from acute Amanita phalloides poisoning, and I've never really enjoyed it that much since. However, you might find it delicious!

Ingredients

  • 1 pizza base (if you lack a pizza base, just jump up and down on a loaf of bread!)

Method

Slice up some mushrooms, and put them on the pizza. If you're not confident in the sauce's detoxifying properties, cook the pizza in the oven at 200 Celsius for 2 hours. That should take poisons away!

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Because-a that's-a one-a bad-a mushroom!
  2. See also the 100 easiest way of killing a squirrel.
  3. Oh, and do remember to check what "straight" means before trying this one. This is the reason you take the compass!
  4. Well, to be truthful one of them tastes like shit, but we needed to pad out the article a bit so we left it in.

See Also[edit]