HowTo:Sew Buttons to your younger sibling
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Are you running out of places to store your excess sewing supplies? Haven't sewn in a while and need a little practice? Absolutely Everybody in the whole freakin' world loves to sew, but sometimes putting patches on jeans or making a quilt gets too boring. Sewing Buttons onto a younger sibling, however, is not only fun, but gory and educational as well!
[edit] What you need
- Duct tape
- A massive needle. (I mean really frickin' huge)
- A grinding stone, or rabbit skull.
- String
- Buttons (I prefer yellow. They show up well in almost every environment, and the color yellow in general just gives life a happy feeling. Really though, it's your preference.)
- Clothing you're willing to get dirty, or bloody in this case.
- 3 Metric tons of chocolate.
- A thimble (Optional)
- A sewing machine (Also optional)
You will also need a gullible younger sibling. If you don't have one, check local soup kitchens or sign up for the big brother/big sister program.
[edit] Directions
Tip
This can also be done to dogs, but you must replace the chocolate with a large chew toy, or else the dog will die.
- Duct tape your younger sibling to the wall, and shove large amounts of chocolate in their mouth so they do not scream.
- Sharpen your needle on the grinding stone, (or rabbit skull)
- Thread the needle. If you don't know how, read a Howto article. If you can't read, then how and why are you reading this?
- Pierce the epidermal layer with the needle. Be careful not to break your needle at this point. That could leave an unsightly scar.
Tip
At this point, your sibling may start to choke on the chocolate, interfering with your sewing. If so, shove more in, and violently shake him/her until (s)he is quiet.
Continue on to thread the button. If you don't know how to, why do you have buttons to sew in the first place? Repeat until satisfied. Proceed to shove the other ton of chocolate into the sibling's mouth so they won't tell your parents.
[edit] Further Tips
- Don't use baker's chocolate
- Remember, buttons DO make pretty patterns
- Be sure NOT to use a needle smaller than 10" long.
- If you don't have a sister, you can get them from Michael Jackson.
