HowTo:Stop Being a Nerd
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As you sit back after decimating a n00b on World of Warcaft, you happen to look in the mirror. A bespectacled, triple-chinned, paste-eating figure stares back at you. "Is that me??? you ask. What a nerd!" Don't worry, it's not your fault. You can stop being a nerd.
Nerdiness is a deadly and painful disease, which sadly affects almost 3.1415926535897932384626433832795% of the human population. The disease is highly contagious, genetic, and in most cases, lasting throughout the victim's entire life. Most sufferers of nerdiness reside in areas where technologically advanced devices are readily available, such as video game stores, the Internet, or in more serious conditions, Star Trek conventions. Nerdiness is caused by a virus that resides in a person's frontal lobe, eventually spreading throughout the entire body. The more common virus is Spazivirginianus uncyclopidae which through rigorous counseling and possibly surgery, can be cured. The more lethal cousin of Spazivirginianus uncyclopidae is Spazivirginianus trekkimus, which will infect the victim's very soul, wasting away the said victim to nothingness.
Nerdiness, as stated above, is extremely easy to spot, with the total list of symptoms running into the hundreds. See for yourself some of the more common symptoms to understand why you should give up nerdiness.
- An unstoppable dependence on computers or any other technological gadget. This is the most common sign of nerdiness by far, with sightings of this symptom running into the millions. This overwhelming need can break the bank of many a nerd, and the penniless sufferer is reduced to living on the streets. Some of the dependencies include:
- Glasses. Staring at a computer screen for 15 hours a day takes its toll on the eyes, forcing the infected person to get glasses. Financial hardship from buying many a technological gadget, coupled with a certain amount of laziness, prevents the person from buying contacts or getting laser surgery, the cooler alternatives. However, glasses are not a sure sign of nerdiness, as contacts can be lost, so therefore one must refrain from taking action until further proof of nerdiness.
- Attraction to questionable foods, mostly Cheez Whiz. If away from a computer for longer than a half hour, nerds will often experience violent seizures, and subsequently cooking is out of the question. Cheez Whiz provides the solution for hunger by allowing the infected person to eat without leaving his computer. However, if no Whiz can be obtained, some desperate nerds turn to eating paste, which, although satisfying, causes mostly unwanted stickiness in the oral region.
- Starting, participation in, listening to, or even standing next to other known nerds. Large debates over whether or not Darth Vader can kill Master Chief or other related topics. No explanation is necessary to show why this is a symptom of nerdiness.
- Knowledge and understanding of several in-jokes. In-jokes, when spoken in public, while humorous to perhaps the sufferer of the disease, are only another way to alienate the infected nerd, as no one else will get it.
- Knowledge of the pronunciation of the word "pwn." If someone actually knows how to pronounce the all-consonant word, nerdiness is obviously in the poor soul's system.
- A total and immediate lack of movement and/or thought when in the presence of a member of the opposite gender. This common symptom of nerdiness is made especially apparent when conversation with girls is attempted, and often results in disaster for both parties.
- Weakness in all the diseased person's muscles, excepting the finger muscles, which are used constantly. Large fat build-ups are not uncommon, caused by sitting for too long.
If you answered "yes" to any of these symptoms, you are a big, fat nerd. However, all is not lost. You can break this awful disease. This HowTo has included a 12-Step Program created by the nation-wide leader in nerd salvation- the Nerdiness, Escape for Real Dummies method, to help you get rid of your infection.
In the '60s, nerdiness was common and its harmful effects were not known until 1987. Nerdiness was found to cause brain cancer, emaciation, lack of social life, and destruction of the reproductive system, among other deadly effects. Doctors advocated the use of rehabilitation programs in order to break the virus and free the host. These programs will be invaluable to you as you attempt to give up your nerdiness.
A common program has 12 steps, each designed to break the nerdiness inside.
- Nerds Anonymous. If you truly wish to quit, the first step is to go to the city hall, where you can find out about NA meetings. At these meetings, you will become acquainted with other nerds in your community. Through the testimonials of your companions, you nerds can help each other through this difficult time. *sighs* Yes, you can bring your security blanket.
- Hygiene. Wow, already at step 2. Gain 20 XP? No, time for something else. The next thing you need to do is to form a system of hygiene. Acquire habits to keep yourself clean. Become acquainted with soap. You might even try a bit of humor to ease your mind. In the event thatyou do not know how to bathe yourself, call up your 80-year-old mother. She will take you through the basic steps. However, she will also nag constantly that you never visit her, that she is so lonely, and show you her various fungi. If you have the stomach for it, you can survive to step 3.
- Working out. Have you ever seen a wimp get girls? Wake up, the dream's over. Time for a change. Instead of going on the Internet at 3 a.m., go to the gym instead. Sure, no one's there, but don't worry. I'm sure you brought your PDA. You'll survive. Wait until it opens, and lift weights for an hour. Yes, one whole hour. Make this a habit, and your nerdiness will decline.
The first three steps were the easy ones. Now is the time to separate the nerds from the real men. These next three steps will attempt to gently remove you from the not-so-necessary nerd vices that you have developed.
- Runescape. Face the truth. Runescape is not cool anymore. When you were ten years old it was fine. Now you are 36. Here's what you need to do: Call one of your fellow nerds. Give them your Runescape username and password. Make a few practice calls, it helps. Once you surrender your Runescape profile, block it from your Internet browser. You can do this. There, that wasn't so hard.
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- PDAs. iPods, fine. Cell phones, fine. PDAs? Not so fine. Knowing you, you have probably programmed your entire life (and have access to Second Life) in there. This is blatantly nerdly and must be stopped. First, delete all your schedule files. Get rid of anything that is not phone-related. Better yet, trade in your PDA for a cell phone. Your nerdiness will decrease by 8%.
Congratulations! You're halfway done with the program! Now is when it gets serious. You will have to make some large sacrifices, but it will be worth it. This portion focuses on reducing your computer intake by making you give up nerdly activities.
- Star Wars. Face it. Star Wars is done. Six episodes. All finished. Nothing more. Reach down deep inside you. Feel the Force. Let go, Sebastian.
- Counter-Strike. Sure, it's fun for the first year. But after you sold your home to live at an Internet cafe to play CS, your nerdiness streaked up. Face it, the graphics are awful. Live in a box, not a cafe.
- Halo. Wait a sec. Before you close this browser, let us explain something. This program does not tell you to give up Halo, mostly because the game is so freakin' cool! Many un-nerdy people play this game, and even the rare Internet-minded jock plays this game daily. This 12-Step program only desires that you cut back on your Halo intake, slowly and gently, so as not to bring up any withdrawal symptoms. Over a period of 3 years, reduce the amount of time you spend on Halo from 12 hours per day to a much healthier 3 hours a day. It is not impossible. We believe in you.
Awesome! This is the last stretch of the program. If you complete this final portion, you will be rid of your nerdiness. Now, to business.
- Star Trek. This is, in our opinion, the hardest sacrifice you make. But think of the benefits. Instead of going to Trekkie conventions on Saturday night, you will be going to parties. Spock doesn't know you and never will. Get out of a bad relationship. This step may take months, even years, but it will be worthwhile. Trust us.
- Warcraft. Wait! Like Halo, we don't ask that you quit entirely, just that you reduce your intake. We know you, the hacking grows tiresome. Beating the snot out of n00bs no longer provides any challenge. Cut back the addiction. You can do it.
And now, for the final step. You are very nearly not a nerd. Complete this last step, and you might even become cool. It has happened.
- THX 1138. This is it. THX 1138 is a revolutionary drug developed by some of the world's finest minds. In a nutshell, THX 1138 uses various steroids and rat poisons to crush the virus, leaving you happy, healthy, and not a nerd. Why couldn't I have just used this wonder drug at the beginning, you ask? Unless you had weakened the virus in the other steps, THX 1138 would have had no effect. Despite its amazing success in curing nerds, THX 1138 can lead to serious side effects if used properly, including über vomit spasms, convulsions, necrosis, SEHS, death, and incurable stupidity. OK! Ready? That's it, just take the needle, and jab quickly! As your nerdiness slips away, you may feel strange. This is perfectly normal. Just try not to hurl on the carpet as you are cleansed. Bye now!
- Bill Gates, for example.
- Disturbidae loserachinosis does not cause nerdiness. In fact, it is the source for geekiness, another disease that although rarely lethal, is nonetheless considered a serious concern by 9 out of 10 doctors.
- Besides, everybody knows that Vader would use the force to choke Master Chief to death, but right before Master Chief got pwned, he'd blow Vader's head off, thus ending the battle with mutually assured destruction. Duh.
- Chuck Norris, anyone?
- (Which is probably your name, you nerd.)
- No Harry Potter book signing parties, either.
- Yeah, right.
- Also nerds, like you. As soon as they perfected it, they used it on themselves. You may know them as Bob, the creepy bearded guy down the street, that man who lives at Walmart, and Uncle Larry.