HowTo:Succumb to peer pressure
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
So you're an seventeen year old schoolboy and, on a Friday night while you were DotA-ing on Warcraft III, your friend calls you up on the cell and invites you to a party at some "cool" boy's house. Pulling a quick leaver, you, desperate for social acceptance, ditch the game and head over to the party with your friend. Unfortunately, when you arrive, you discover to your chagrin that everyone is gorging on fried foods (which is unhealthy in excess), drinking alcohol (which you've never before drunk), smoking cigarettes (which you find normally repulsive), making out (which you never had the balls to do), smoking pot (which you know is dangerous and illegal), circle jerking (which can't possibly be moral), shooting up crack (which you hear isn't too good for you), murdering kittens, killing birds, raping babies, punching pregnant women in the stomach, and plainly carving satanic symbols on their testicles while running bus-fuls of nuns and children down a sheer cliff.
Your friend, a suave and socially accepted boy, suddenly turns to you and offers (peer pressures) you to do all that they're doing. But, with the exception of raping babies, you know it's all wrong and horrible if you listen to them. But if you don't, your friends won't like you anymore! And you won't be cool anymore! And since the approval of questionable friends is far more important than anything else, you obviously have to comply...but "how?" You ask, "how do I succumb to peer pressure?"
Why I should succumb to peer pressure
Why not? Everyone does it! You're not cool if you don't! I mean, c'mon! Everyone does it! All the cool kids do it! It's good for you too! Only losers don't comply with peer pressure! You're not a loser, are you? Huh? Are you? I mean, c'mon! How else are you going to gain your friends' respect unless you whore yourself for their attention? Besides, your self-worth and value are completely based upon what others think of you! So don't let Mommy tell you that you're your own person and you don't have to listen to pseudo-friends and whore yourself out for their attention! Only losers listen to their Mommies! Plus, what did your Mom ever do for you? - She even told me that you were born only because the phone rang when your parents were making n00kie and the phone startled your Dad and he forgot to pull out. Besides, you're not a loser, are you, huh? Huh? So don't listen to Mommy! Only to me! Now bend over and drop your pants or else you're not cool anymore.
Advantages of succumbing to peer pressure
- You're cool! And what could be more important than this?! Certainly not your future health and the good wishes of Mommy and Daddy!
- You'll make the rest of us laugh. Laughter will distract us from your nerdy glasses and fat ass. As long as you keep us laughing, we won't
- We'll continue to be your friends - you're a part of the gang! We'll even allow you to hang out with us and do what we (make you) like have butt sex, put your penis in a pencil sharpener, rape babies, and so on.
- Besides, it's not we don't care about you, right? It's just that you have to earn our respect, so you have to do what we tell you to!
That's what you want, right?
Disadvantages of succumbing to peer pressure
See how nice and objective I am! I'll even include a disadvantages section - this means we only want what's best for you, so you need to do what we tell you!
- You may displease your parents - Aww, c'mon! Who cares about your parents! You already have their approval and stuff, now you have to get ours! And succumbing to our peer pressure by doing things like crushing beer cans on your head and stuff is the only way to do it!
- You'll seem pathetic - Pssh, no you won't (okay, maybe you will)!
Myths Mommy may make up about peer pressure
That whore is always trying to get in the way of our plans! But it's really important that you listen to us! After all, who is more important - your mommy who merely spent a few years force-feeding vegetables (like spinach which has E. coli), or your
jerk-face bullies in disguise as good friends who want nothing more than see you do retardedly funny sh*t succeed with no regard for your health or welfare genuine affection? That's right, your "friends." In any case, here's some lies Mommy has made up.
- You're unique - No, you're not! Scientifically speaking, your daddy squirts out mouthfuls of you after every time your Mommy, your aunt, your English teacher, your grandma, your sister, and the family dog wanders into a room with him. Besides, everyone knows I'm unique, so this means you have to just be average (WTF is "we're all equally unique?")!
- Real friends won't demand you do ridiculous things for them - Yes they will! We're your real friends, and we make you do everything from ridiculous to seriously fucked up things for us, so obviously real friends do make you do things for us!
- You'll have to trust yourself and make your own smart decisions - Okay, she is correct...but what if you're not smart (and you're definitely not if you're still reading)? You'll just have to trust us!