HowTo:Survive in the Expendable Thug Industry
Whadda you lookin' at?
Oh, right. You must be da new meat. Siddown on dat crate ova dere, kid. I'm Joey da Weasel. Shaddap an' I'll tellya da ropes.
First of all, I dunno what nobody tol' ya 'bout dis bizness, butchya here anyways an' it's too late ta back out. You bin to da movin' pictures, chump? You know how ya fav'rit hero's always blowin' away faceless bad-guys left an' right? Dem bad-guys is us. An' we's real. In a fictional sense, anyways. How's dat possible, you sez? I dunno. Whaddoo I look like, a philosophizer? Anyways, every time a thug gets defeated onscreen or in a book, dat's one of us up dere takin' a bullet. Stuntmen's expensive an' it's way easier to just get one of us mugs inna da action.
Mugs always asks me, why woulda chump wanna be a expendable thug, anyways? Izzit da flashy an' tough uniforms? Da guns an' swords? Da chance ta be on da big screen or da printed page, howevva briefly, even if it's just you gettin' your ass kicked? I always sez, Shaddap yous! Yous don' know whatchya talkin' about! Its about helpin' udda chumps, you morons!
Yeah, dat's right. I said helpin' people. Lotta jerks don't know dat us thugs got big hearts, see? We risk our asses every day so's bosses can feel like big men, an' den we gotta risk death an' dismemberment an' alldat to make heroes feel like dey's tough. It ain't easy bein' a plot device wit' no personality or backstory, ya know?
Da pay's crap. You routinely getchya butt kicked. But stories gotta be told, an' somebody's gotta do it. So lissen up, yous. I'll tellya howta survive in dis' innustry without gettin' ya nuts blowed off. In da bad way, dat is. Heh heh heh heh.
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
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- 1 Step 1: Find a PG Story
- 2 Step 2: Find a Good Boss
- 3 Step 3: Register with the Expendable Thug's Union
- 4 Step 4: Keep your Head Down, Don't Say Nothin'
- 5 Step 5: Your Defeat
- 6 Step 6: Sneak Away
Step 1: Find a PG Story
When you get involved in a story what da MPAA would rate azza 'R' or a 'NC-17', you's puttin' ya life at risk. More'n usual, anyway. Sure, da pay's betta, and hell, da story's probably betta too. PG stories are usually total bullshit. But in dose adult stories, da hero's always comin' atchya wit' guns and knives and swords, an' when dey hitchya, dere's blood and disembowelment. In a PG picture, sure, sometimes mugs get shot, but more'n likely, da hero's just gonna defeat you by droppin' a buncha boxes onya. So what'd you rather do, moron? Spend an evening holdin' an icepack to your head or spend an evening lookin atchya large intestine?
Step 2: Find a Good Boss
A good boss is always the first step to yous survivin' da story. Choose wisely, stupid!
When you're lookin' for a boss ta take up thuggery with, always look for da moral ambiguity. Da bosses what's misguided insteada pure evil is always da best. Dey's more likely to care for deir mugs and send 'em inta less dang'rous sitch'a'ayshuns. Desperate freedom fighters, chumps what useta be good, den got driven ova da edge, former friends of da hero, you know da type.
Yeah, any thug oughtta get used to hearin' junk like, “Fools!” or “Why am I surrounded by such incompetence?”. But if you found da right boss, dat's as far as it goes. Da real psychos out dere'll shoot deir own mugs when dey gets grouchy, an' nobody wants dat. We all seen dat plot device, we knows it proves how evil da boss is. If you're smart, you'lla chose da right boss an' you won't find yourself in dat pickle.
When selectin' a boss, pay close attention to da uniforms he provides. Da best uniforms is baggy or gots lots of armor whatchya can hide lots of paddin' unna. When da hero punches or shoots you, it hurts! You wanna finda uniform dat can take da damage and make it look convincing when you gets defeated so's you can walk outta dere. Don't worry so much about functionality in combat, 'cuz da hero's gonna beat your ass anyway. Go for style! Lots of jerks been runnin' down dose Imperial Stormtrooper uniforms. Gotta tell ya, I did dat gig three times, got blasted and defeated five times, walked outta dere every time! Heroes was none da wiser!
Don't worry so much about da weapons you gets. No matter how big your gun is, you ain't gonna kill da hero. Don't go overboard on da protection, neither. You walk in dere in a big mechanical battlesuit or some junk, da hero's gonna finda way to beatchya, and dose things explode!
Here's some examples of what da hell I'm talkin' about:
Yeah, he's a fanatic, he views everyone as pawns, but if you can pass yourself off as a mutant, he treats you like gold! He don't mind if you dress in armor and pad yourself however you wants. Plus dat sexy babe Mystique's always hangin' around, morphin' inta all sortsa hot broads. It's a great gig, if you can get it.
Lotta thugs think, “Yeah, I could fight Batman! He never kills nobody!” Joker's always hiring and always gets lotsa work. But did you see what he had dose poor chumps wearin' in dat latest Batman game? Bare chests, no shoes, and it looks dey got lobotomized! And of course, we all remember poor Bob from dat Batman movie in '89. Dey got a statue to him in da main concourse of da ETU building with a plaque what says, “Bob. Gun”. Poor jerk.
Step 3: Register with the Expendable Thug's Union
Soon as you found your gig, head over to your ETU Local an' register. Da fees are pretty high compared to most unions, but in dis line a' work, medical and dental's real important. Since I become a thug, I spent nearly a year in hospital, had facial reconstruction surgery twice, had all my teeth replaced with implants, and hadda get my nutsack sewed back on after dat Quentin Tarantino flick. So be smart, you dopes! Go union!
Step 4: Keep your Head Down, Don't Say Nothin'
Remember, especially at the beginnin' of da story, to follow da thug's mantra: “Keep your Head Down, Don't Say Nothin'.” Da more noticeable you makes yourself, da more likely it is you'll get lines, or, God Forbid, get featured.
By da time you get back from da ETU, da plot should be in full swing. Dis first stage is critical. Chances are, da boss is gonna ask you to take part in da incitin' incident. You get ta burn down da hero's village, violate his girlfriend, kidnap the president or some junk. At the beginnin' da hero's gotta lose, so lots of mugs get swelled heads. It's da only time dey can get any cheap shots at da hero. Always remember, you ain't gonna kill him, and da more junk you pull on him, da madder he's gonna be in da third act.
In da second act, chances are, da hero's gonna be goin' through some kinda spiritual, mental or physical change, so he might not be around for awhile. Don't get cocky, cuz' dere's still a chance you'll meet him. Spend dis time makin' sure your uniform's properly padded and stay out of everybody's way. It's real likely da boss is gonna call on you to do a special task to take out da hero, an' dat means a plot thread an' a beatin', so make sure you's inconspicuous.
Da third act is da time when most thugs buy it. Da hero's transformation is complete an' he's madder'n hell. If you get defeated here, it's gonna be quick an' bloody. Try to stay outta da hero's way an' if you're lucky, the boss will buy it before you even meet the hero! Then you get to do dat scene every thug loves, the one where a bunch of yous guys run away at the end.
Step 5: Your Defeat
Now dat I got your attention, I'll continue. If da hero comes around after the first act, get ready for your defeat. Do your job, make da hero feel like a big man, den get defeated quick as possible. If you done everythin' I said earlier, den da hero will whack or shoot you. Fall down and go, “AAAAAAAAA!” Or obligin'ly fly backward into sumpin what breaks. Don't say nothin' else. Lotsa mugs say somethin' like, “Oh God, my face!” or “You cut off my thumbs!” You do sumpin dumb like dat, you might raise da story's MPAA rating, an dat just gives da hero more license to do worse junk to your fellow thugs. So don't do nothin' fancy. Fall down and go, “AAAAAAAAA!” Den lie dere like you're dead an' he'll leave you alone.
An' for Chrissake, don't stand near railings, steep precipices and cliffs! I can't tellya how many buddies I lost what fell down, went AAAAAAAAA! an' crashed through a railin', fallin' 200 feet to their deaths. If you gotta stand on sumpin' high up, make sure you's secured by a ETU-approved harness.
Defeats because of Lines
If you said sumpin earlier in da story, like, “What are you gonna do now, hero?”, or “Heh heh, look at him squirm!” you're really in for it now. Expect your defeat to be humiliatin' and more likely to be deadly. If you live, expect your ETU fees to go up. Nice goin', dumbass.
The Close Up
Oh Christ, dis is da worst. If a camera ever focuses on your face when you're about to take a shot, kiss your ass goodbye. Yeah, you'll actually hit da hero. An' den dere'll be a slow-mo shot with tragic music. But den either da hero or his buddies'll blow your ass away in revenge. I got close-upped once. It sucked. Good thing I was workin' for one a' dose mad scientist bosses who knew how to clone junk or I wouldn't be here today.
So you blew it. You said too much stuff. You showed too many ninja-skills, you're too muscle-bound, you generally showed yourself to be competent and mean. Now da hero's after you. You done been Featured, an' dat's real bad. You'll get a big fight scene before he faces da boss. It'll hurt a lot an' at the end you'll fall offa sumpin or get dramatically electrocuted or some junk. Dere's only one way I seen ta save your skin. Ya gotta turn on da boss an' help da hero. It's real likely dat da boss'll kill you just before da climax an' even if you survive, you'll have to go through a ETU tribunal after da end of da story, but it sure beats ending up a greasy ember at da bottom of a rocky ravine, I tell ya.
A Note on Antiheroes
Most thugs don't got no control over which heroes da boss goes up against. But if you ain't lucky, you'll have to fight an antihero like Wolverine or Dirty Harry. You can always recognize 'em, 'cuz dey growl insteada talk and sneak around everywhere. Dese guys are menaces to da thug community. Dey go for killin' shots an' step on your neck when dey gotchya down. Da ETU's been lobbyin' ta get rid a' dese guys for years, but for now, we're stuck wit'em. If you go up against an antihero, rig your uniform up with blood squibs an' set 'em off when he whacks you. Da bloodier your defeat looks, da less likely it is he'll go for your nuts when you're onna ground.
Step 6: Sneak Away
If you ain't dead, you's most likely beat to crap by dis point, but you'll be alive. Crawl outta dere an' make your way home or to da hospital. If da boss owed you pay before, you can pick up a check at da ETU: all bosses pay premiums in case dey buy it before payday. An' remember, never let on to no hero or no boss dat you only helped 'em for da sake a' art an' junk. Dey gotta feel like big men if dere's gonna be a sequel.
Enjoy a beer an' know you done good in da world, an' you're alive, you lucky bastid. You was a part of da mystical storytellin' experience, yous all ennertained da world, you was... a real hero, I tell ya, as much a hero as us workin' chumps get ta be.
Holy crap! Dat's your cue, kid! Go get 'em! Da Jacksonator's one of da best bosses around! Just keep 'im away from your kids. I taught ya all I know, now get outta here! Go! *sniff* Poor dumb bastid.