HowTo:Survive the Titanic
So it's 1912 and you managed to make your way on to the Titanic. Whether it was selling organs on the black market, prostitution, or that little lemonade stand you opened up last summer, you managed to scrape together enough cash to buy a ticket on the maiden voyage of the latest and greatest marvel of technology. Unless of course you're a stowaway. If that's the case, this article isn't for you. You're a thief and deserve to suffer a cold, dark, crushing death.
So there you are, sporting your new one piece bathing suit on the main deck when suddenly, the ship hits an iceberg. After coming to terms with the fact that you just ruined any chance you may have had of returning that new bathing suit which is now soaked in bodily excretions, you realize that you just renewed your subscription to Nude Ankles Quarterly and you can't let that go to waste! You need to get off this tin can in a hurry! But how?
How to Survive
If you truly want to survive to see another day, you should follow my detailed instructions below. They may not be the best advice you ever received, but at this point, what other options do you have? I guess you could go wait in line like all the other morons in the hopes you get a lifeboat seat. If that's the basket you're putting your eggs in, I sure hope you're a woman or child. What's that? You're not? Then I sure hope you're rich enough to buy your way onto a lifeboat. Not rich, huh? Well I guess it looks like you'll be reading on.
I know what you're thinking; "The stewardess told me to remain calm in the event of an emergency when I boarded this boat. Why are you telling me to panic?" Who are you going to trust, some sneaky stewardess that probably went through your luggage while you weren't looking or me, the guy you've known for almost five minutes now? Oh, and by the way, you're on a boat that is fucking sinking into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean! If there was ever a time for panic, this is it.
Another, more important, reason is this; people start to panic when they see other people panicking. Why do we want other people to panic you ask? Because when people panic they tend to do stupid things. Stupid things like forget where the exits are located. Stupid things like accidentally trample other people. Stupid things like leave their valuables behind. Stupid things like stand at the front of the boat and scream about being the King of the world. Stupid things like... well... you get the point. We're creating chaos here. The more people that go crazy and jump off the side of the boat, the better. That's just one less person we have to fight for a seat on a lifeboat. Screaming things like "We're sinking!" or "We're all gonna die!" seems to be effective in making people panic.
Once you've successfully whipped the rest of the passengers into a frenzy, it's time to move on to step 2.
If this is going to be your last day on earth, you might as well go out with a smile. What's that, you say? What's with all the last day on earth talk? You thought if you followed my plan you would be fine? Technically I said it's your best option at this point. I never said it was fool proof. God, if you do make it off this boat I suggest you brush up on your reading comprehension. Now where was I....
....Looting. Right. What you want to do at this point is take anything that isn't nailed down and may be of value. I suggest starting with luggage or garment bags. While they don't hold much value, they can be used to carry a lot more stuff than your pockets can. And if you followed step 1 correctly (see how it all comes together), there should be plenty of good stuff lying around for you to choose from. Jewelery is always a good choice as it tends to be small, which means you can carry more of it, and it's valuable. If some noble woman is wearing some jewelry you think might look better in your pocket, just rip it off of her. If she screams it won't matter because everyone should be screaming at this point thanks to your panic inducing skills.
I would also suggest taking this opportunity to grab, fondle, and feel up anyone who catches your fancy. It may be a few weeks before you're rescued and no one wants to have blue balls for that amount of time. It's my experience that if you find yourself fondling someone and they start screaming about rape or some other nonsense, casually reminding them that they are on a ship that is sinking. It usually makes the unwanted touches seem insignificant and the offended party tends to forget all about it.
Step 3: Procure a Lifeboat
This is where things tend to get tricky. Somehow you need to manage to sneak off with a life boat. Bribe, barter, steal, do whatever. I can't think of everything for you. Besides, I'm not the one facing a watery grave here. So I would suggest you figure something out. It's a pretty important step.
After you managed to secure a life boat of your very own, discretion is key. The last thing you want is for everyone to find out you have your own personal getaway vehicle. They'll swarm you like fat kids on cake. It'll be a disaster. Be selective as to who you let in on your secret. I personally recommend hot chicks only. Remember, be picky. There's no need to settle for slightly above average chicks here. Make sure you get the hottest of the hot, such as Barbara Stanwyck or Kate Winslet.
Also be sure to load down your life boat with as much booze and lobster as you can get your hands on from the dining hall. Why lobster? Did you try that stuff? It was amazing! I'm not sure what they put on it but wow! I think I detected a hint of parsley or....what?.... Oh right, right. You're facing death here. Sorry.
Also make sure to grab all the valuables you acquired in step 2.
Step 4: Set Sail
Let's make one final check to make sure we have everything. Life boat? Check. Valuables? Check. Plenty of food and drink? Check. 7 or 10 smoking hot bitches to keep you company? Definite check.
Now it's time to get the fuck out of Dodge. Drop the lifeboat in the water and paddle like crazy. This is where bringing along the thicker lady I mentioned in step 3 will come in handy. You can make her do the rowing. Think of her as your motor. What? What do you mean I didn't mention that? You're full of it. Hold on a sec. I'm sure I put that in here somewhere. Well, I'll be. Okay, that one is my bad. We'll chalk that up to a learning experience. So I guess you're going to be doing the rowing.
Make sure you row far enough away from the boat so that the people jumping off the side can't swim out to you. The last thing you want is some jackass trying to scramble onto your boat, screaming about how he's going to die, while you're trying to put the moves on all those hotties you've got on board. You also want to be careful not to row too far away from all survivors though. This not only decreases your chances of being found by rescue crews, but if you get too far out, no one can see you sipping fine wine and partying with all those babes. And since we all know cell phones don't have cameras in 1912, your friends will never believe that you hooked up with all those hot chicks unless you have a witness.
Now that you've found a prime location to drop anchor, the only thing left to do is wait for rescue.
We're almost there. The only thing left to do now is kick back, relax, and wait on the Coast Guard, Navy, GI Joe, or whoever to show up and save your ass. I suggest passing the time by working on your tan. You do look a little pale, after all.
Handling the rescue
When rescue does arrive, it's of the utmost importance that you don't get identified as the guy who was running around fondling passengers and stealing all their shit. I'm not familiar with maritime laws, but I'm guessing you'll end up in prison. And we don't want that. A prison in 1912 is probably way worse than whatever fate you just escaped from. After all, lube doesn't get invented for another 11 years.
In order to keep from getting fingered (figuratively and literally) for your crimes, I suggest following my three easy to remember steps.
The first step is to deny. You have no idea what anyone is talking about. Seriously, they must be crazy. Remind the rescuers that your accuser just narrowly escaped certain death and is probably not in their right state of mind.
I know that was step one, but it bears repeating. Lie your ass off. Those jewels? I brought them on board with me. This lobster? Caught while I was adrift. My teeth marks on that lady's ass? I fell... I mean she fell.... Well, I fell, then she fell on me. Say whatever it takes.
Ha! Just kidding! Step 3 is to deny some more. Don't ever confess!
I made it! Now what?
You're still alive? Really? I mean.... of course you're alive. I knew my plan would work.
Now it's time to party and you should have more than enough valuables left to throw one hell of a welcome home bash. Maybe you can splurge on one of those ice cream cakes. I love those things.
You might also consider selling your story to some publishing company. Or better yet, one of those newfangled moving picture places. Maybe they'll cast a really crappy actor to play the part of you in your story.
If a party seems like too much stress and you think you just want to relax after your terrifying ordeal, you could always use all that money to go on vacation. I hear there's some sort of new flying Zeppelin thing called the Hindenburg that's taking reservations.