HowTo:Tell another bar joke
|Oh, no! Not a bar joke.|
Seriously! This is not HowTo:Tell a bar joke. Anyone can tell a bar joke. This is all about how to tell another bar joke. The main difference being that another bar joke is just that – another bar joke. Which means that it’s probably absurd. Mildly funny is the usual description. And, if there is a moral to the joke, then it's educational as well. So pay attention. If you use the characters and follow the directions below then you’ll be able to tell another bar joke too.
Step 1: Location
You need another bar.
Step 2: Characters
Next you need a few characters. For example, you take an idiot and a bartender, plus you add an angry old crocodile, a fat, burned-out hooker, and a huge ninja assassin.
Then you need a plot device, such as a “bar bet”.
Step 3: Plot
For instance, an ordinary idiot - some moronic dude - walks into a bar. Having entered the establishment he stands at the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender brings him a bottle of Jack, and the guy takes a couple three swigs. He’s about to take another giant swig when, suddenly, he notices a sign on the wall which says,
Step 4: Story
Holy shit! Now that’s interesting! So the guy asks the bartender what’s the deal. Seeing his genuine interest the bar man explains that there is, indeed, a standing bet for $20,000 in the bar. And so far no one has won it.
The guy’s really curious, and he asks,
|So, what’s the bet?|
The bartender tries to dissuade him, but the guy insists.
...says the bartender, and he lays down the rules.
|You got to do three things to win the prize. Number one: see that big guy at the end of the bar dressed in black? You need to kick him out of here.|
At the end of the bar stands a brooding 290 kg fully armed Ninja assassin.
|Hummm! Alright! Then what?|
...the man asks. The bartender just shakes his head and carries on...
|Once you’ve done that, then, number two: you got to go outside, in the back. There’s an angry old crocodile that has a bad tooth. You got to pull that tooth out.|
Man! This is getting complicated. But the guy wants the full story, and asks...
|Yeah? What’s last?|
So the bartender finishes the bet...
|Alright, pal! When you’ve done that then there’s only one more hurdle, number three: you have to go upstairs, where we have a fat, burned-out hooker. You need to shag her until she has an orgasm.|
Damn! The guy thinks. Small wonder that no one has ever won the bet. But he takes another giant swig of Jack. He’s contemplating. That’s a tall order. But it’s a bar bet just the same. He’s greed for $20,000 over whelms his good sense and he agrees to try.
...says the bar man,
|..be my guest!|
The guy walks over to the Ninja at the end of the bar and tells him,
|Excuse me, but I have a friendly proposition to offer. If you’ll simply leave this bar, and wait outside, then I’ll pay you $5000 cash.|
The Ninja thinks, hell, it’s not the usual 100 pounds of gold and he doesn’t get to cut anyone in half, but it sure beats the Sensei’s weekly allowance. So the Ninja gets up, pays for his drink and goes outside.
The guy thinks, damn! I’m a regular genius. Lets see. What’s next? Oh, yeah! The crocodile. The bar man opens the door leading to the back, and closes it behind the guy, leaving him alone outside with the angry old croc.
Soon a commotion ensues which can be heard inside the bar - the racket is terrible. The guy must be going through hell with that beast. Bam! Wham! Bham! The noise continues for nearly half an hour. Finally, it stops, and all quiets down.
The bartender stands waiting. The door opens. The guy re-enters the bar, all covered in mud, from top to bottom, and he says to the bar man...
Step 5: Punchline
|Alright! So where’s that whore with the bad tooth?|
Moral: There is simply no winning a bar bet. This is because the only people who try are idiots. The house always wins. So the guy lost in spite of the good time he had with the crocodile.
And now he has to pay the Ninja, too.
But look at the bright side. He doesn’t have to pull that old hooker’s tooth out anymore.
Outcome: The guy paid a Ninja pimp $5,000 to satisfy an angry crocodile.
So, what the fuck!?
There are other bar bets, and other ways to lose them. And there are other bar jokes, and other ways to blow them. They’re all basically the same. This is simply one example of how to tell another bar joke.
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