HowTo:Tell if your son is gay
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So, you're afraid your son is gay? Or maybe you just can't tell, am I right? Or perhaps you're wondering why he doesn't have a girlfriend, despite the fact that he hangs out with quite a few. Don't worry. He may be fucking one of them without you even knowing it. You don't have to worry, either way. I am here to help you figure it out.
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[edit] Indications that he is straight, or at least butch
The first thing you should do is try to figure out is whether or not he is straight. This is far easier to do than trying to figure out if he is gay, as gays are very elusive and clever creatures.
[edit] Does your son like sports?
First off, I'm talking about real sports. Maybe something like boxing, football, or baseball. Anything that involves lots of sweating or running around like an idiot. Since he's most likely white, I'm not even going to talk about basketball. Well, if he does play basketball, he is definitely straight. Or he could be gay. After all, just think about all the black guys. Think about how their things swing up and down, around and around, all in peoples faces. It's disgusting. Or sexy. Well, if he's gay...
If he's into certain sports, though, it definitely mean he's a fairy. Sports like tennis or golf. Hell, even track. I mean, what kind of straight man would ever play a sport that doesn't involve a lot of physical contact or violence?!? Exactly.
What? Your son loves golf, tennis and track? Well... That doesn't mean he's gay. There's still hope he may be straight, as long as he doesn't do it professionally. If you're a pro golfer and you're not Tiger Woods, you are a faggot.
[edit] Does he love killing?
Does your son pay close attention to movies were people get killed? Does he enjoy playing violent video games? This is a very good sign. Gay people, as we all know, hate blood. They can't stand the sight of it. Why do you think Liberace died? You truly believe that the shot to his head killed him? No. It was actually the allergic reaction he had to his blood after it poured on to his leather jacket. How could he not? It's almost impossible to wash it out. Plus, you always get those dirty looks from the dry cleaning Asian.. But I digress.
Anyway, has he asked to go hunting, because he "just wants to watch something fucking die"? No? That's not a good sign. What kind of boy wouldn't want to kill something? A gay one. Your son has never wanted to go hunting, eh? Maybe it's just because you live in the city, so the thought of going hunting to prove his manliness just hasn't occurred to him. Yeah. That's it...
[edit] Requests
Does your son ever make strange requests? Ones that just don't seem right? Maybe ones that, to the average person, may seem a little psychotic? Like the time he asked if he could deep-fry the Thanksgiving turkey's penis? Yes? He has? Well, that is kind of manly... I read that it is an Ethiopian tradition to eat turkey penis prior to having sex! Wait... Ethiopians all have AIDS... The gay disease... But don't worry! Scientists say non-gay people can get AIDS now! It's not necessarily a "gay" thing to eat deep-fried turkey penis! After all, gays don't eat deep-fried food! But, your son could be black. Well...
A few signs that he is definitely straight include if he has ever asked for some hookers or maybe if he has asked for a pet snake. Snakes resemble the greatest thing ever. A rope. Ropes have had a long history of hanging people. Hanging was the greatest form of execution. But, if your son makes a comment about how long and hard the snake is, I'd watch out.
Other requests that a STRAIGHT boy make include:
[edit] Music
Taste in music is a great indicator of straightness. For example, does your son enjoy Motorhead, Pantera, Metallica or any bands that focus on killing, rape, Satan or cowboys from Hell? Good! As you know, metal is totally straight. Oh, and if his favourite CD's have pictures of naked or half naked women being sexually abused or violently raped, then he is definitely straight.
What? He is a fan of Fall Out Boy and other emo bands and likes wearing tight pants and dying his hair? Well... It could just be he's trying to get into some girl's pants (If he isn't already wearing them...). Yeah. That's it! He's just trying to trick some dumb emo chick to suck his dick. Just think about how that little lip piercing feels! It must be great! What? The only one of his friends who has a lip piercing is one of his guy friends? Well...
[edit] Okay
Listen... By now, you should have noticed that this sounds like your son. That is because... Dad, it's me. I am gay. I don't see how you could have ever thought I was straight. My interest in African culture, or the way I go for long walks with friends. I thought you would have figured it out. I mean, it's so obvious. I thought you knew. Everyone else knew. I listen to Dido for crying out loud! And not just the little bit in that Eminem song! I own three of her albums!
My boyfriend and I are going to California tomorrow. I heard they've legalized gay marriage. I'll be seeing you, dad. I love you. By the way, I hated Scarface. It had way too much violence and not enough talking.
