William Howard Taft

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William Howard Taft was widely considered to be the most bizarre of US presidents.

Former President of the United States William Howard Taft, weighed a considerable amount of pounds. Not much is known about his presidency, since he stood in the way of most of his affairs, preventing others from seeing what was going on behind his girth.

Source of Taft's Girth[edit]

While it is widely understood that Taft did enjoy a hearty meal, it was only the James K. Polk incident which has lent credibility to the rumors behind Taft's size. In fact, as a result of the primitive photographic technology at the time, Taft's size is owed entirely to the cameras used to photograph him, which at the time added on a whopping 13,382 tons as opposed to the ten pounds currently plaguing those individuals photographed in modern times. More can be found on Taft's horrible fatness in The Blockbuster "Taft: Its Whats for Dinner", featuring interviews with actual fat cells as they recall their tragic existence in Taft's Fat.

James K. Polk Incident.[edit]

Taft frequently ate at the Grease Hut. This was a restaurant that serves you only grease, or grease related food. Obviously, Taft couldn't get enough of the place. He was also angry at president James K. Polk for founding it and contributing to his obesity. He tried to devour Polk on one occasion, but Polk saw him coming and fled to safety. Taft is pretty hard to miss.


Haberdashery[edit]

From 1453 to 1619, Taft took to a life of Crime as a time-traveling space ooze known for making hats, tyrannizing Transylvania, and amusing Martians with his xylophone. After a climatic battle with Mecha-Dracula, he fled the past and decided to have a go at politics.

Crime Fighting Years[edit]

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In order to garner votes for his upcoming political "career". Taft decided to back stab all of his criminal friends all at once as a superhero. Needing a place to rest his many-folded body, he engulfed the corpse of Mecha-Dracula and waited. After a thousand years he extruded the Taft Blimp, a State of the Art flying death sanctuary complete with torture cells, a graviton gel mattress, robot strippers (all tailored in his likeness) and three flavors of death ray. Along with a money cannon, to bribe his enemy's to death.

No one knows his superhero name, as all reporters got when they asked him was a slurred "gbleable", which is now his widely accepted alias.

For months gbleable flew the city looking for tasty crime. Some The Mighty gbleable's accomplishments include: Devouring The Hitler cat, Eating the hamburlger, oozing into an underground furry colony and suffocating every furry man, woman, and child, and then absorbing their vast knowledge of their sacred Book of Yiff (which he immediately spat out as being "Too Efing Creepy".

One of the only black marks on The Mighty gbleable's record is a small incident in 3544, where he ate the mayor and half of New York after stubbing his stubbing his 7th stomach vagina on a leftover piece of furry. He proceeded to use the Taft Blimp to bomb wall street, which earned him his second nickname, The Trust Buster. The Onslaught was so terrible that The statue of Abraham Lincoln had to get involved. after a Climactic battle, The Mighty gbleable succeeded in engulfing The God Statue, and Gaining the power of the Hat of Infinity.

Using this newfound power, The Mighty gbleable changed back into his slightly less fat alias, William Howard Taft, and was ready to devour politics!

Presidency[edit]

Taft was played by Michael Moore in a film called Taft. It performed well at the box office.

After his predecessor, Teddy Roosevelt (A.K.A Teh Ownz0r), was thrown into his open maw by Boba Fett in 1908, Taft was made President in his place, as was the custom of the day. Taft spent most of his Presidency asleep, his hindquarters stuck in a bathtub (actually an Olympic-sized swimming pool).

William H. Taft was the only non-Japanese at the time ever to hold the title of Yokozuna, a distinction which lasted until 1993. He had to surrender this honor to run for President of the United States, but the skills he had honed served him well in the field of politics. He developed a tendency to perform the shiko leg-stomp as warm-up for any debate, which unnerved even his staunchest opponents. Taft's incredible Sumo career is largely ignored by historians. This is most likely because illustrations or descriptions of the US president wearing a traditional mawashi were considered by many to be unseemly, and considered by most to be to be "an extreme handicap regarding the keeping-down of one's comestibles."

Taft was able to gain political support in the Southern States by winning numerous food-eating competitions, although this method of winning support became unfavourable in 1909 after the Houston incident. After demolishing his opposition in a burger eating contest, Taft was consumed by his ravenous need for food and proceeded to eat 17 crowd members and 5 fellow contestants.

Throughout his presidency, Taft fought as a heavyweight boxer under the pseudonym Fats McGee and physically assaulted the Republican party with shards of his own blubber, many of whom continued to follow the lead of former President Roosevelt, who were severely burned because of it.

Taft created Dollar Diplomacy which created a dollar menu in all restaurants across the country. He bought 530 burgers and 29 milk shakes, he was a very jolly fellow. Until this caused him to be stuck in a bath tub and almost declare world war against the bath tub makers.

In 1909, Taft oversaw a major remodeling of the West Wing of the White House. The renovation introduced the Oval Office which was named in honor of the rotund chief executive.

In 1910 Taft divided himself in order to reproduce monosexually; the two smaller Taft's then immediately tried to kill one another, whipping out their own armies of pixies armed with carrot juice and plastic stop signs. Teddy Roosevelt used the confusion to escape his slow digestion in Taft's forty-eighth stomach on the back of a moose.

The newly mobile surviving Taft then attempted to consume the state of Arizona after its secret location was betrayed by his fellow Bony Skull Society members, the sinister Bear E. Pisswater and the ingenious Ben Dover. The state's complete lack of Dihydrogen monoxide, however, caused the gelatinous matter from which Taft was made to wither, and an army of meth-addicted cacti forced him further north. He also enjoyed excreting, and eating a freshly laid turd.

Transition from being a "Big Fucking Fatass" to a "Bigger Fucking Fatass"[edit]

In the early Spring of 1911, Taft was invited to attend a hotdog eating contest in Iowa. He won (obviously) which caused him to obtain 365 XP, which happened to be just enough XP for him to rise to level 12! A happy jingle appeared as his body began to glow and a booming voice shouted at him, "CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE COMPLETED AN ACHIEVEMENT, YOU HAVE REACHED LEVEL 12 IN FATASSISM. YOU WILL NOW BEGIN TRANSFORMATION FROM A BIG FUCKING FATASS INTO A BIGGER FUCKING FATASS. YOU FAT UGLY SHIT!" Taft was overjoyed by his accomplishment, and thus logged out and ate Wisconsin to celebrate.

Taft devours Marquette[edit]

In 1911, while chewing on the city of Marquette, Michigan, Taft was shot down by a swarm of fighter planes. He was witnessed disappearing into Lake Superior, there to presumably resume his ancient sleep, emerging only briefly in 1918 to devour E. A. Wanker, who had disturbed him by firing his Wanker engine into a gym sock. The incident was confirmed by passing horse lover and dust ball fetishist Daniel Radcliffe. Since that time, several sightings have been reported by the United States Coast Guard, the majority of which have provoked fresh waves of Congressional funding cuts to the United States Coast Guard.

Taft battles the Mambo[edit]

Taft reawoke in 1965 to battle the Mambo, a large group of dancers who had already consumed several Superhero groups in New York City. Long was the deadly duet between the two gargantuan, bloated forces, but ultimately the Mambo emerged triumphant, killing Taft, though he would later go on to possess the body Michael Moore. The corpse is now one of the biggest streets in the Philippines.


Post-Crisis Taft[edit]

Although Taft was popular (in part as a result of his habit of devouring his detractors whole without warning), there was widespread sentiment that he had grown too powerful over the years, with additional girth-related abilities being added on almost every one of his adventures. For this reason, after the Crisis on Infinite Earths, his abilities were greatly diminished. Pre-Crisis Taft, at his height, was capable of pushing entire planets into suns, extinguishing stars with his breath, and vetoing congressional legislation unless it could be overcome with a two-thirds majority. Post-Crisis Taft retained his core abilities of self-powered flight, ravenous appetite, and a weight in excess of your average Semi, but was greatly diminished in other respects; he now winced when struck even by mortal bullets.

Supreme Court Years[edit]

From 1921 until 1930, Taft served on the Supreme Court as Chief Justice of the United States. He was the only President to do so, and the only former president to swear in future presidents, making him the best President ever. He gave the oath of office to both Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover. This footage was used to swear in Martin Sheen’s character on The West Wing years later. In an effort to make the Court work more efficiently, he advocated passage of the 1925 You Will Not Cross Taft Act, enabling Taft to savagely beat and eat anyone who disagreed with his views on civil rights, women’s suffrage,where to go for dinner, and what station the radio was set on.

Personal Life[edit]

Taft's hobbies consisted of him lying naked on the couch eating Hot Pockets and Twinkies. Once a year, as a joke he bought a pair of little glasses smaller each time. No one got the joke, and thought his face was filling with fat. Learn a lesson from Taft's mistakes, kids. If someone calls you fat on the playground don't think they're just mean, join a gym! What he really liked to eat was his wife.

Death[edit]

Taft died from a rare medical condition that caused him to be eaten by rabid bunnies. This caused him to be eaten by wolves. After his death, he was resurrected in 1989 to play Uncle Buck in the popular 80's movie Uncle Buck. After filming was finished he became subject to his previous medical condition and was again eaten by wolves. He was then eaten by wolves again. This may not be the final death of Taft, as many prophecies tell of yet another re-emergence, when the world once again needs something eaten or if wolves need something else to eat.

See Also[edit]