Hull City

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The Hull City AFC Team Badge - 'IL BRIDGICUS FARCICAL' - A Bridge Too Far.

Hull City AFC (A Footie Club) are a little-known Anglo-Uzbekistani football club based in Kingston upon Thames, West Walking, Isle-of-when-a-man-loves-a-woman. Rumoured to be no more than a 2nd-hand Subbuteo team bought from a car boot sale and imbued with life by a mad scientist, they, unbelievably, play in the English Premier League. Which there not doing very well in

See also Shite : A word used to Describe the performances of Hull Shitty AFC from Humberside's performances in the Premier League this season. Originating from the name of the football club, the pussies have put in a meek performance this season.

Club History[edit]

Mongol Head Coach Kublai 'Chubby' Khan PhD: "Do I not likey orange and black."

Looking for something to do on quiet Sunday afternoons and settling on a 'kick about', Hull City were founded in 1184 by Arch-Bishop Gareth the Brown (Gary or Gazzer to his ale quaffing chums at the Rose & Vestal Virgin - a Whateverspoons drinking emporium in Lesser Chingford) and were the first Occidental team to win the prestigious Jewels Re:May trophy following a monumental 4-2 victory over a Mongol horde select-11 at the Xanadu Pleasure Dome - 1284; to which Mongol head coach Kublai Khan - founder of the Yuan Dynasty and grandson of marauding conqueror Ghengis Khan - is reputed to have exclaimed: "Do I not likey that!" - albeit in Mandarin. Hulls achievements were later immortalized in Samuel Taylor Coleridge's epic 1816 poem 'It is now!':

                            In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
                            One hell of a beating endure :
                            When Prescott, sacred striker, ran
                            Through a flat back four
                            And poked one in.
                            Off cross-ed bar the ball didst come;
                            The lino's call wouldst start a row
                            That waged for years both dark and long.
                            But who gives a shyte about that now?
                            Cos we won the game and earned a gong!   

These days the club plays their home games at the KFC Stadium in Tashkent - capital city of the Republic of Uzbekistan. They previously played at Boothferry Park but moved to their current home in 1992 after the ferry sank during a rather stormy crossing; resulting in the inpromptu deaths of several of the legendary William Wilberforce Babes.

Traditionally Hull played in black and orange, often with a striped shirt design, hence their original nickname 'Eleven Blokes With Really Bad Dress Sense' but, following the signing of Ian St.Triniansussanah, changed to a new strip of string vest and striped loin cloth; hence their current nickname The Mm.. Tigers! Meeeooow!!

Tony Tiger's attempt at resurrecting his career met with disapproval from the PC brigade.


Mascot Scandal[edit]

In 2003, following a ground-breaking law suit in which it was claimed he had been coating his breakfast cereal with 'sugar', former club mascot Tony 'The Tiger' Tiger was sensationally sacked by the Holy Roman Empire; who had camped outside his walls for fifty days and fifty nights hoping to get an eyefull of his (then) wag girlfriend Abbey Titmouse.


The Glory Years[edit]

In 1996 - having finished top of the English Championship (formally League Division 1-0) - Hull City were relegated to the Scottish Premier League. It was during this brief flirtation with 'Pagan Soccer' that Hull became the first team to win a British Championship Trophy with a negative goal difference (1996-97 season) having lost their opening game against Bon Accord 35-0; a feat that almost earned them a place in the Guinness Book of Numpties. Famously the (then) team manager, Gary Brown (an indirect illigitimate descendent of Ach-Bishop Gareth) sat the players down in the centre of the pitch at half-time for an impromptu picnic of ham sandwiches and Irn Bru, making it one of the only games in Scottish Premier League history to be almost called off for crippling indigestion in the Hull City team. Garry Brown himself did not appear for the second half after driving to the local spar for alca-seltzer. After the game he said: "It was disappointing to come so close and yet to have missed out over a paltry brace of goals. At half time I asked the boys for a little more effort at the back during the second half, yet, although there were several clear-cut opportunities in front of our goal, no one was able to poke one in when it mattered." Hull went on to win every other game that season.

Is This The Way To Amarillo FC? Members of Hull's 2007 'Cup Run' squad decide on an inpromptu display of their infamous 'no way through' defensive wall after finding themselves stranded in Pratts Bottom High Street following a wrong turn en route to their 2nd round Charity Shield tie. "Please give generously... Our keeper needs a new pair of boots.


In 2008, Hull City began their campaign in the English Premier League by accumulating 17 points from their opening 8 games; with notable victories over London giants Arse'n'all, West Ham-it-up United and Fulham Road, as well as Tottenham not-so-hotspurs. However, adopting the policy of 'It's better to quit while you're ahead' Hull brought an abrupt end to their season and were subsequently relegated with only 20 points to their name.

Noteable Players[edit]

  • Tom Caff
  • Kevin Ellison ("You tease!")

Twinned Teams[edit]

Hull has formal twinning arrangements with several football teams from around the globe:

Sierra Leone's Limbless Lions (Freetown, Western Area)

The Unsporting Reykjavik team play in black and white to confuse the opposition.

Nippon An Nipoffagain (Niigata, Japan)

Sporting Raleigh (North Carolina, United States)

Unsporting Reykjavík (Reykjavík, Iceland)

Rotterdam United (Rotterdam, South Holland)

Dirtyrottenscoundraldam (Steve Martin & Michael Cain, Hollywood, USA)

The Duke of Nottingham on the corner of 1st and 6th street.

Sound-Alikes[edit]

Hull (Massachusetts, USA) is named after Rod Hull and his Emu, whilst Hull in Quebec, part of the Canadian national capital region, is named after the hull of the ill-fated U.S.S. Enterprise which struck an ice cube and sank off the coast of Bromley boating lake in 1927.


Trivia[edit]

  • Hull City is the only team Ade Akinbiyi has refused to play for
  • Hull is not a city but rather a concubine, sodomised by 18 year old Sara Wandsworth from neighbouring Ferriby on sea. The brightly-coloured vaginal secretion used in the sodomie is currently on show at the Museum of Hull which is located in the front room of Mrs Enid Sprockett's two-up-tow-down at No15 Piddling Street, Hull.
  • Hull City is the only undefeated team in Hull
  • Hull City is NOT a Juicy carrot
  • Phil Brown's real name is Piere Hatengland
  • Phil Brown is actually 62
  • Phil Brown hates Britain
  • Phil Brown is a terrorist and a Nazi

Just how many links would you like?[edit]