Humbug

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Humbugs are a type of drug used to help the user ignore their surroundings. They have been particularly popular with those who hate Christmas and wish to escape it (but haven't had the money to get a real holiday).

History[edit]

For some, this is the spirit of Christmas

When trying to come up with a potion to turn him into an evil monster, Doctor Jekyll created a variety of drugs. Some worked, some didn't. The humbug was one drug which didn't do anything immediately useful. Jekyll then tried to combine it with another drug - possibly Polos - but had ignored the fact that Polos had a habit of flying back in time by a few decades. Fortunately, the Polo was burned up due to the reaction and turned into methane. The result was that humbugs were transported to a few years before Scrooge started shouting "Humbug!" (just as well, else he would have seemed even more odd than he actually was). Albus Dumbledore stumbled across them and proceeded to make his fortune.

The drug was first made popular by Scrooge whose addiction was so strong that he even took to shouting "Humbug!" to those nearby. If he ever shouting "Bah humbug!" it was a sign that he needed more of the substance and/or had ran out of his own supplies.

In an infamous incident in 2006, Father Christmas tried a humbug after sacking one of his elves who was addicted to the substance. "Well I needed to get rid of them somehow" was his defence. Father Christmas was still recovering from the strong dosage (which somebody with such a high standing in the Yuletide season should not even get near) on Christmas Eve; he was unable to give presents to several hundred thousand children in the United Kingdom. The media tried to explain this with the news that the savings club Farepak had declared bankruptcy.

Concoction[edit]

After hearing about a Christmas deterrent, Jekyll's associate Utterson decided to pay him a visit to get hold of the recipe, having hated Christmas for most his life. Understandably, Utterson became pissed off when he saw Jekyll's dead body. However, using Uncyclopedia's secret time machine (whoops!), we have been able to go back in time and get the recipe for the drug:

  • A mug of ground up mint mixed with nicotine (to make the substance addictive)
  • 5kg Christmas tree ashes (one of the Christmas-ignoring substances)
  • 1kg of the flesh of a "Please Sir, can I have some more?" minion
  • 500g of marble
  • One mole of warm, saturated air (breathed out on to the substance when cursing about Christmas)

Perhaps the best time to make the substance is during the most un-Christmas time of year. However, if you are enjoying yourself and not being completely miserable, then the overall strength of the humbug should not be reduced by too great a factor.

Trivia[edit]

  • Humbugs are banned in four parts of the world: Azerbaijan (because, hey, it's Azerbaijan), Lapland (Santa's real workshop location), the North Pole (less harsh laws than Lapland, but only because there isn't actually anybody there), and the USA (where it is law to cover your house in Christmas lights during December).
  • After the publication of A Christmas Carol, humbugs became so popular that when Scrooge went to order a crate-ful, Dumbledore was all out.
  • Humbugs are not to be confused with bumhugs.