Hurricane

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ATTENTION: Residents of areas affected by Hurricane are advised to seek advice and information from local authorities through television and radio, and official weather forecast web sites (links below). Information on an encyclopedia may not be current or applicable to your area.

Do not decide whether to leave your house, shelter or vehicle based on Uncyclopedia information. In fact, do not decide to do anything in your life based on Uncyclopedia information. Except if we tell you to leave the area. Because staying in the path of a 120-mile-per-hour hurricane is beyond DUMB.

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for your house?
After devastating hurricanes, nomads such as these usually seize control of ruined areas.
“Destroyed more aircraft in 1940. than Spitfire”
~ Hugh Dowding on Hurricane
“Hurricane, I thought you meant Candy-cane!”
~ Toddler on Hurricanes
“This storm is dangerous.”
~ George Dubya Bush on Hurricane Gustav
“THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
~ SPARTA on Hurricane Dean
“In soviet Russia, you destroy Hurricanes”
~ Russian Reversal on Hurricane Felix
“Great....AETHERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
~ Hurricane Ike on Galveston and Houston
“DOWN WITH COMMUNIST CUBA!”
~ Hurricanes Gustav, Ike, and Paloma on Cuba
“Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane!”
~ Katrina on New Orleans

Hurricanes are large-scale weather phenomena that typically afflict the US Northern Midwest , and are particularly common in North Dakota. A category 0.0000000000001 typically does about three trillion feet of storm surge in No Orleans. Hurricanes have been considered right wing for helping George Bush enforce the African America quota enacted in 1920 during the mass immigration to North America. The distinguishing features of hurricanes include wind speeds of 6 miles per hour or more, often causing high storm surges in coastal areas, and sometimes heavy rain. The effects of hurricanes can range from minimal for a Category One storm (according to the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Scale) to catastrophic for a 156,000-mph Category Ford-Five Hundred.

In recent years scientists and weathermen have struggled to control these terrible storms, but one attribute of hurricanes - often hid from the public - is that they can respond to these petty attempts by man because they possess at least rudimentary sentience.

Contents

[edit] Camille and Jamille: the First Evidence of Sentience in Hurricanes

From the outside, this hurricane-struck building looks normal...

For many years hurricanes were assumed to be simply normal weather phenomena similar to tornadoes, lightning and dust devils. Indeed, the formation process for hurricanes can be readily explained by meteorologists; the difference is that somewhere along the way, hurricanes pick up a kind of limited consciousness, allowing them to steer themselves through the Atlantic Ocean to hit the area of their choice. This was not realized until the late 1960s; until then it was assumed that there were simply hitherto-undefined atmospheric effects that controlled a hurricane's path. Hurricane Camille changed all that in 1969.

Hurricane Camille began as a relatively strong, 115 mph storm that knocked into the tip of Cuba on August 15. Weakened by a surprisingly militant response from Fidel Castro, who thought it was some kind of American invasion, Camille reemerged in the Gulf of Mexico with winds of approximately 100 mph, but fed by the warm waters and brine shrimp of the Gulf, she swiftly strengthened into a incredibly powerful 190 mph storm. Camille quickly compacted herself into a tight ball, minimizing her overall area in order to concentrate her winds as much as possible. Thus far, Camille appeared to be a fairly predictable - albeit extremely strong - hurricane. News reports warned of catastrophic damage if the storm hit a densely-populated area.

...but the inside is completely gutted.

Once Camille made landfall, it became abundantly clear that Camille was not an ordinary, dumb storm: she obviously had a grudge against the people on the Gulf Coast. In those days, it was common for family and friends to gather for "hurricane parties," using the situation to meet and have a good time safely indoors while the hurricane raged outside. There were certain undefined rules for both the people and the hurricane: the former were perfectly willing to let a hurricane rage outside as long as they got some entertainment out of it, and the hurricane typically was satiated with a sacrifice of trees, stray pets, and sometimes an automobile or two. Camille's winds blew these rules into oblivion.

Unprepared for such a hostile storm, the people in the affected areas of Mississippi, Louisiana, and Illinois were buffeted by her winds, often being blown clear out of a building still wearing their hurricane party hats. The final death toll of the storm exceeded 200 and billions of dollars in damage was done to the South. Suddenly hurricanes were no longer a trifling amusement - their public image changed to portray them as wicked and sly half-creatures, perfectly willing to ignore accepted conventions to satisfy their taste for blood and plywood. Camille created the now widely accepted notion that hurricanes are essentially tornadoes that have gone bat fuck insane.

[edit] After Camille

A sign of the fickleness of hurricanes: notice how the building is utterly destroyed, and yet the fire hydrant is untouched.

Camille, however, was only the beginning of a decades-long assault by hurricanes on the Americas that is still ongoing. Subsequent disastrous storms reinforced the quickly-propagating scientific theory of hurricanes: that they weren't just inanimate weather happenings, but they were out for something, and they weren't going to give up until they got it.

Many strides have been taken in understanding the methods and purposes of hurricanes. A curious phenomenon seems to be that the punier a hurricane's name is, the stronger and angrier it will be when it hits - see hurricanes Fifi (1974), Beryl (1988) and Georges (1998) - which has led many scientists to subscribe to the notion that, just like people, hurricanes hate wimpy names. There are plans to redo the name lists for the next few hurricane seasons, replacing "Betty" with "Boris," "Fabio" with "Finn" and "Amy" with "Anton LaVey."

Despite these strides, there is still very much to learn about the mindsets of hurricanes and their level of consciousness. Controversially, many countries, led by the United States, have actually agreed to try and increase the effects of global warming in order to provide a more tropical climate in which to cultivate powerful hurricanes, much like bacteria in a petri dish. The common defense of this plan is that, by creating more and stronger hurricanes, we will learn how to better resist them in the future. The reasoning becomes more obscure from there.

[edit] Known traits of hurricanes

Even hurricanes can have dirty minds.

Since Camille first acknowledged her sentience in 1969, hurricanes have not been shy about displaying their capriciousness. They are often unpredictable in their destruction, demolishing entire neighborhoods while sparing nearby glass shops. They seem to take special pleasure in stripping houses of their innards, leaving them - looking from outside - apparently intact, only to shock the homeowners with wholesale destruction when they open their doors and reenter their house.

Some particularly intelligent storms even play jokes: strategically removing letters from storefronts to form altered messages; stacking corpses of people and animals in one place so that, until the trove of bodies is discovered, it looks like there were no deaths; making sure to deposit enough stagnant water to kill people with dysentery even after the danger appears past; and destroying uninsured houses near beaches, which never fails to surprise the people who live in them!

[edit] Hurricane Katrina and the Future of Hurricanes

A post-Katrina FEMA hurricane management shelter in Mississippi.

2005's Hurricane Katrina has so far been the apex of hurricane development. Though weaker wind-wise than Camille, Katrina nevertheless pushed up a record-setting storm surge in Mississippi, reaching a height of over thirty feet in places and sweeping over stilted beach houses, picking up casino barges and washing them across highways, and creating government-funded "FEMAvilles" containing hundreds of federal-issue trailers for people who lost their houses.

Although New Orleans was not as hard-hit as the Mississippi coast, the geography of the city resulted in a ruinous scene once the hurricane passed over: washed over and through levees, water poured into the Crescent City and, because of the same levees, was trapped there, inundating entire neighborhoods for days on end. (Yeah, Katrina was a sneaky bitch.) Though many poor and historic neighborhoods, such as the Lower Ninth Ward - home of Fats Domino - were hit disastrously hard, the French Quarter (and its famed Bourbon Street) fared fine, so media coverage of the New Orleans was soon reduced dramatically. In fact, reports of Katrina never even reached some sections of the West Coast.

There are also reports of some damage in Alabama, but this is unconfirmed. The people there are reportedly still drunk on their moonshine.

Katrina was a watershed moment for hurricanes: though people hope that it was only an anomaly, meteorologists warn that more superstorms are sure to happen in upcoming years. While the American Southeast, from here on out, will wait in fear for the coming of each hurricane season, the other areas of the US can relax smugly, secure in the belief that a transcontinental hurricane is impossible. A hopeful belief, but, let's be honest, probably dead wrong.

They are also a new way of a flushing toilet!!!!

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[edit] The vaginas of the earth

not even spongebob is safe.

One very notable question concerning hurricanes is, where do they come from? Well, hurricanes are incubated in the earth's wombs, the Atlantic and Pacific oceans(notice the shape). Hurricanes are hybrids between thunderstorms(female) and tornadoes(male). The first hurricane was made when one tornado was pushin' a bit too hard on the thunderstorm and fertilized her with his cyclonic semen! The baby was one mutilated mother fucker who had a vagina 128 miles wide. Now, hurricanes are no longer fertilized by tornadoes, but the hot semen called "water" that covers 70% of the earth. The hot, steamy semen not only rises into her vagina, but her "rain riges" as the cold, enzyme-like fluid air sinks down and spins everywhere else on top of her! Yo gay mofo so stfu !


[edit] List of notable hurricanes

  • Hurricane Galveston (1900, 1919)
  • Hurricane Alex (1972)
  • Hurricane Bob (1975)
  • The Carolina Hurricanes (1997, 2002, 2006)
  • Hurricane Gregory (1991)
  • Hurricane Carter (aka Ruben, sentenced in 1975)
  • Hurricane Higgins (1982)
  • Hurricane Hunter (1983)
  • Hurricane Jeep (2005)
  • The Miami Hurricanes (commonly referred to as the 'Canes) (1925, 1983, 1987, 1989, 1991, and 2001)
  • Hurricane Makkari (1941)
  • Hurricane Neil (1977)
  • Hurricane Not Spitfire (1940)
  • Hurricane Rubin (1966)
  • The Tulsa Golden Hurricane (1894)
  • Hurricane YoMama (1956)
  • That band that rocked you like a hurricane (1984)
  • Hurricane Bust for No Orleans (2006)
  • Hurricane kill all Mexicans (2007)
  • Hurricane Ike (Prepare yourself..., 2008)
  • Scrambles The Death Dealer (2008)
  • Hurricane that was totally named wrong for what it did, Paloma (dove translated in Hispanic.)
  • Hurricane fuck it lets turn around and hit Florida again (2009)
  • Hurricane destroy earth!!! (2012)

[edit] See also

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