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The All-attractive leads up a stairway to heaven©®†
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about ITSCON.

“If the facts don't fit the theory, then change the FACTS!”

~ Albert Einstein on Itscon

ITSCON is a neo-Hindu eclectic religious cult-branch-twig-stem-sprout, replanted-registered in America from Hindustanistan. Traditionally dressed in pink bed-sheets, imitating 14th Century Bengalis, Itscon members proclaim singular devotion to God as The All-attractive by creating an organized public disturbance, and other forms of irritating the public, who often gladly pay them to relocate.

ITSCON’s stated goals are 3-fold: 1) empire-building a stairway to heaven, 2) defeating its Indian mother faith, the Gaudiya Math, in a one-sided race to material superiority (which may be compared to 'one hand clapping'), and 3) making a bigger racket (noise) than down-slum Calcutta during the 1947 Partition Riots.

Itscon followers employ numerous, often noisy and/or intimidating methods to separate non-Itscon people (the demons) from their money, which rightfully belongs to God, who created money along with everything else. Money-collecting schemes primarily include short-changing on book distribution, and extracting "sin taxes" from guilt-ridden Indian deshis who live in the West.

The multi-faced enterprise accumulates enough booty for the cult's leadership, viz., the Governing Booty Commission (GBC), to continue the enterprise (until 2012), live lives of leisure, and attract more young acolytes to replace older one’s who normally burn-out when they reach the age of reason[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much].


A "fried acolyte", clearly over-flowing with divine love and spiritual bliss, such as this old-picker, are becoming extinct within "Planet ITSCON", and they are expected to be wiped-out completely during the next apocalypse in 2012.

“If THAT is religion, then falling off a roof is transportation!”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on ITSCON

ITSCON - The "Indus-Valley/Topanga-Canyon Spiritual Con", or "Itscon" for short, was originally founded over 3000 BC by God. Not Allah! Not Jesus! Not Voidism! Not Moses! Not Mahatma Gandhi! And not Eric Clapton. This was way before Them. 5000 years ago God was The All-attractive.

In His own realm, generically known as Heaven, The All-attractive does what He wants, which is hang-out by the river with His brother and friends, chat up the married-cowgirls, and play His flute. And every night is “party hardy” – eternally.

Once, the All-attractive got a tad bored with things being so perfect that He decided to create a little ITSCON or "Chaos" in the material world, just for a laugh. You know, for the hell-of-it. Kind of like blowing up a Bass Drum on TV, just for fun. If Keith Moon can do it, so can The All-Attractive.

He's more than a bit distracted by the young married cowgirls (once He told a girl she was not His type! She asked, "Smart?" And He replied, "No! Single!") - so it took a long-time to get it registered in the material world. In fact, it took Him 5000 years to get Itscon together. Not until the 20th Century did He appear in America and set up the business.

The business grew very quickly in the "Swinging Sixties", because lots of displaced Jews, surfers, pot-heads, junkies, shell-shocked Vietnam vets, sex-fiends, tri-sexuals, bi-sexuals, i-sexuals, pedeophyles, musicians, crooks, dope-dealers, murderers, hippies, taxi-drivers, egomaniacs, no-egomaniacs, masochists, sadists, and Peace Corp members joined, and the enterprise just grew and grew, until it covered every corner of the globe, from Baltimore to Cocomo.

For over ten years the All-attractive was having a blast taking airplanes around-and-around the world - in spite of the fact He could avoid traveling by simply "manifesting Himself" where-ever He wished to appear. This was because, as part of His being ALL-knowing, He's also an "Airline Pilot" and loves to fly.

Then, in 1977, after circling the globe 2,721 times, The All-attractive was asking forgiveness from His godbrothers for bad-mouthing them, when suddenly He was claimed-denied-boasted to be poisoned©®†zoso and died a horrible death at the hands of His Own beloved hand-picked followers, although this allegation is vehemently denied by The All-attractive.

Because the All-attractive is All-knowing, so His passing was deemed assisted-suicide rather than simple murder[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]. Itscon logic: The All-attractive needed to be murdered in order to compete with Jesus Christ, who also died a ghastly death. But, in fact, to do worse off than Jesus would require a pretty gnarly hardcore slaughter, something like in "Texas Chain Saw Massacre" or "Saw III".

After He disappeared, all the approximately 5000 followers started to quarrel over who would be the new All-attractive, and this mundane-madness continues unabated. Currently the total followers and groupies of Itscon probably number a whopping 20,000. So one need just calculate 20,000 into 6 billion, to know how BIG Itscon really is. According to Itscon, their cult is way bigger than all the world’s great religions combined? - or, at least, much more important.


The Philosophy of Itscon is quite simply, "unthinkable simultaneous difference and non-difference between everything and everyone and nothing and no one so that the only plausible conclusion is The All-attractive, and, by extension, Itscon". Below, this simple philosophy is nicely explained to a 3rd grade school class in New Mexico...

Class: "Crash! Pow! Ratatatat! Hey! #@%&(*$!!!"

Teacher: "OK class lets all quiet down, because I'm going to let you in on an ancient Hindu secret."

Class: "Crash! Pow! Ratatatat! Hey! #@%&(*$!!!"

Teacher: "Good! Now pay careful attention to this, Itscon philosophy, which holds that every living and non-living thing and every non-thing is related and simultaneously unrelated to everything and any-non-thing always and never - and this philosophy has been declared as unthinkable by it's creators, which comes in handy when it's time to make sense, because every scientist and theologician can easily understand 'unthinkable'. Now! Did you ALL understand that?"

Class: "Crash! Pow! Ratatatat! Hey! #@%&(*$!!! - I brought my pencil! #@%&(*! Give me somethin' to write on, Man!" Pow! Ratatatat!

Main Values[edit]

The New All-attractive demonstrating the 4 ITSCON Values: 1) Be humble, 2) Be patient, 3) Desire NO respect, and 4) Show respect to others.
  1. More humble than a penny bag of weed
  2. More patient than The Rock of Gibraltar
  3. Desire -000% respect for one's self
  4. Show +300% respect to one's slaves

Rules & Regulations[edit]

“They've got these 4 laws, and if you break even one you'll be sent to burn and scream in hell! - But they love you! They love you and they need money!”

~ George Carlin on Itscon

To become a member of Itscon you MUST follow 4 rules:

  1. Thou shalt not eat (NO food).
  2. Thou shalt not drink (NO water).
  3. Thou shalt not screw (NO kids).
  4. Thou shalt not bet (NO chance).


Books are the business - Cash-flow is the Utility - Picking is the means - Money is the goal.

The 10,000 Year Law Books[edit]

As soon as ITSCON gains total control of the (material) World, it will replace Earth's statute books with its own 10,000 Year Law Books, which state the above four rules of self-denial. If you break any of these rules you'll go straight to hell, where you’ll face the worst dead band you ever heard, with Tirthapad on Bass, Janis Joplin on Sax, Jimi Hendrix playing constant feedback on guitar, Keith Moon with explosives in drums, and Satchmo on lead vocals.


“Itscon!? What language is that?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Itscon

With the All-attractive out of the way, ITSCON quickly grew into a bunch of different Dick Headed personality cults. And a language was devised, whereby everything is abbreviated USA style. Following are a few examples of Itscon Jargon:

  • PAMHO: In New York this means a friendly "FUCK YOU!!! But in California it means, "Dude!" In India it has no meaning.
  • AGTSP: Hallelujah!
  • BLOOP: Lose interest! (fall down)
  • FRIED: Get burned out! (escape)
  • PICKING: Collecting money from people by any means thinkable.
  • LAKSHMI-POINT: One unit of currency, such as in the USA a Lakshmi Point would = US$1 (Rs 25,000).
  • PURE: Anyone who can collect over US$1,000 in a single day.
  • OFFENSIVE: Refusing to carry out a murder, refusing to marry some fat Indian bitch, or refusing to divorce some hot babe.
  • FRINGIE: Interested uninitiated groupies (Assholes who just won't quite PUT OUT).
  • CHANGING-UP: Cheating people (short-changing as a policy).
  • PRABHU: Hey! You!!! (Yo! Home-boy!!).
  • SAUCE: Giving people a hard time (Being a rude and ill-tempered ass-hole).
  • DEMON: You! (And the horse you rode in on!).
  • KARMI: Person who chases money (opposite of Iskcon, who won't touch evil money).
  • MUKTI: Liberation (To get away from Itscon).
  • PREMA: LOVE the GBC (and despise the human race).
  • MEGA-MANTRA: You think it's so easy? It's a gazillion years old secret. But it won't remain a secret if the right palms are oiled.

Example of Itscon-speak[edit]

Cquote1.png PAMHO PRABHU! AGTSP! I was PICKING from KARMI DEMONS and saw a FRINGIE who got FRIED and BLOOPED. So I gave him the SAUCE! Cquote2.png


Illustration from the Itscon manual shows how to use the All-attractive to attract money.

How to join[edit]

Just look up your nearest Itscon temple, go over there, surrender, give them ALL your money, promise to follow 4 rules and chant the Name of The All-attractive 27,648 times daily (16 Names Mega-Mantra on 108 bead rosary and do 16 rosary a day). After that, prove your commitment by disowning your family, who are all demons, and stealing all their money, which rightfully belongs only to The All-attractive. Then shut up and do what you’re told, from mopping the floor to putting-out. Keep this up forever and you may be qualified to join the GBC – provided you haven’t broken even ONE of the rules. The stated goal of Itscon is their own version of NWO - The planet to become the United States of Itscon (USI).

Member Activities[edit]

“Pick 'um to the bone or don't come home!”

~ ITSCON leader sending new acolyte pickers to pick.

Apart from holding three parties a day with no sex, drugs, or rock-'n-roll, Itscon members generally live the following life style:

  • Strictly avoid any non-Itscon persons (the demons).
  • Dress and live 14th Century Bengali style
  • Create public disturbances in order to be "paid" to go away.
  • Argue, party, argue, party, argue, party (repeat daily)
  • Use the All-attractive to attract money, money and more money.
  • Preach to demons like their parents.
  • Sing songs to The All-attractive.
  • Repeat the Name of The All-attractive 27,648 times daily, or MORE if they get bored.
  • Pander books to karmis (The "Basis of the Basis").
  • Build the biggest temple in the Universe as an ego-booster.
  • Take over the solar system. Kick out the rival Gaudiya Math.
  • Prove that ITSCON is a better form of Mathematics than Gaudiya MATH.
  • Prove that the All-attractive is as good as Jesus cause He got murdered too.

Secret Itscon Activities[edit]

  • molesting children
  • murdering rivals
  • running hard drugs
  • poisoning God until He dies
  • Extortion
  • You name it, they done it!


The “Governing Booty Commission” controls ITSCON. The GBC is made up of 30 mini-magnets who know they’re superior to everyone else, in spite of their knowing next to nothing besides that eternal fact. They meet once a year near Heavenly Calcutta and perform the following activities:

GBC Activities[edit]

  • Play musical chairs.
  • Pass Laws on Philosophy, such as what is the "basis for the basis", what is the "Origin of the Origin" and "How eternal is eternal?"
  • Pass laws on NOT getting caught.
  • Dispute disputes.
  • Up-date the “Black List.”
  • Down-date the "White List."
  • Schedule executions.
  • Count all the Booty.
  • Plan how to take over the Solar System.
  • Decide on WHO else gets to be The All-attractive, too.
Itscon GBC meeting in heaven©

How to Become The All-attractive[edit]

Note: Becoming elected to be the All-Attractive is like getting a Feature Article on Uncyclopedia, but with the GBC as the VFH. Only the VFH gets to be the All-attractive, ever! - "Any and all violators of policy will be 86'd".


Although Itscon fanatics occasionally read their own books, they mostly read The Itscon Scriptures, which, combined, constitute the sum of substance. Though numerous, the following are primary:

  • Winning Through Intimidation by Robert J. Ringer
  • Lonely Planet Guide to India by Lonely Planet
  • Translation of Mein Kampf into Sanskrit by Adolf Hitler
  • The Hip-opanishad: "Song of God" by The All-attractive
  • Posthumous Auto-biography of a Yogi by Yogi Berra
  • Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
  • Hindu Jihad by Subhas Chandra Bose
  • Violence We Can Believe In by Mahatma Gandhi
  • Turn Your Religion Into A Tax Haven by Rev. Jesse Jackson

And many others far too numerous to list. But amongst them all is The Song Of God.

The Song of God[edit]

“You kill em all, I'll sort em out!”

~ God advising Juna before the Great Rumble of Old Delhi

This song has The All-attractive mixed up in an argument between five good brothers, who gambled away their wife and wealth, v/s one-hundred evil cousins, who tricked them fair-n-square, all ready to fight over ownership of a “Point of a needle of dirt”.

Before the battle began the All-Attractive sang a song to his friend, Juna. This Song of God is preceded by an introduction translated from English into "surf-speak" by retired Banzai Pipeline Surfing Master, Jerry Lopez:

Note on English language to neo-kooks: "surf-speak" is to valley girl as "bitchen" is to, "gag-me-with-a-spoon".

Introduction by Jerry Lopez[edit]

EAST SIDE STORY: Aftermath of the Great Rumble of Old Delhi. The Panda gang won, so they get to clean it all up.

About a-gazillion years ago, there was this radical prince dude named Juna. Even he never surfed Pipeline or Jaws, still he got this big kahuna reputation coz he could shoot the eye of a fish, which is a lot smaller than the eye of a wave, man.

He was a mate with his Bud, The All-attractive, a former cowboy-turned-playboy-turned-political advisor, who's, like, mega-cool and actually, at least GOD! The All-attractive lived on the beach, and spent most of His later-life surfing with Juna.

Juna and his non-surfing kook bros, the Pandas, stupidly got ripped-off by those dirt-bag Kurus, who were sons of that old blind king dude, who was kinda Juna's uncle cause of some family BS.

Anyway, these Kuru cats were headed by jerk-in-chief named Duryo - who's like a freakin' greaser! Shit! Dude's probably never even SEEN the ocean - and they ripped off Juna and his bros by clearly out-smartin' 'em!!!

So this all leads up to a mega rumble. Like a Vedic "West Side Story" or East Side Story, but here the Sharks and the Jets are the Kurus - BAD GUYS, and the Pandas, Juna's gang - GOOD GUYS. And they're gonna have this gnarly gang-fight over ownership of a "point-of-a-needle of earth." The way I figure, since The All-attractive was cool enough that He was a surfer and lived on the beach, so it was probably a "grain of sand" in stead of some inland 'kook' dirt.

Just before they start to seriously kick some ass, Juna asks The All-attractive to drive his ride over to go check out the scene. Man, everywhere he looked it was, like, all some kinda family ties. So Juna got bummed! He told The All-attractive, "Screw this! I'm a 'conscientious objector'!"

The All-attractive's like, "Dude!?!"

But Juna is seriously zoned and feeling bummed-out. He figures it's better off if he splits to the Himalayas and lives in a cave, like Bin Laden and his sidekick, the peg-legged doctor named Jihad, or somethin'.

Finally Juna is, like, totally out-of-it, and he looks at The All-attractive and says, "Man, it's YOUR call!"

The All-attractive kinda grins, "Dude! You're really on-the-rag! I'm listening to you spout off all this chicken-sh*t pacifistic crap - like you're a twink or something. Man! I thought you had some balls!"

Juna is like, "Jeez, Man! I already said it was 'Your call' - so like, what's it gonna be? War or Peace?"

Before The All-attractive answered the question, He and His chariot driver had the far-out conversation, in which The All-attractive declares that it just so happens that He Himself is God, and to help Juna understand He gave a few mundane examples of His glories.

The Song[edit]

"Raso-aham-apsu kaunteya!" - "I am the taste of water, …among animals I'm the lion, among birds I'm the eagle, among fish I'm the shark."

"Among rock bands I'm the Beatles, Among bad guys I'm Hitler, among fashion models I'm Twiggy, and among CTU agents I'm Chloe O’brian,

"Among guns I'm the bazooka, among fire-crackers I'm the H-bomb, among great actors I'm Al Pachino, and among corny actors I'm Chuck Norris,

"Among aging babes I'm Bridget Bardot, among left-wing commie pinko traitors I'm Jane Fonda, among fast food restaurants I'm KFC, and among things to avoid like the plague I'm the plague,

"Among bridges up-for-sale I'm the Brooklyn Bridge, among golf players I'm the son of Tiger Woods' Dad, among spiders I'm the Funnel Spider, and among things that are NOT 'Cool Aid' I'm Agent Orange,

"Among smart directors I'm Tobe Hooper, Among wise-ass Vulcans I'm Spock, among lousy rock bands I'm the Move, and among radical guitar players I'm Jimi Hendrix,

"Among bimbos I'm Brittany Spears, among playing cards I'm the Ace, among Motorcycles I'm Triumph, and among brave soldiers I'm Audie Murphy,

"Among jokers I'm Cheech & Chong, among tenors I'm Mario Lanza, among jerks I'm Lyndon Johnson, and among wackos I'm Charles Manson,

"Among big monkeys I'm King Kong, among Mexican knives I'm the switch blade, among Italian knives I'm the stilletto, and among Ugandan knives I'm the machete,

"Among African-Americans I'm Rochester, among dick-heads to work for I'm Jack Benny, among non-lying Presidents I'm, I'm, (ah, lets pass on this), and among bystanders I'm Jack Ruby,

"Among monumental screw-ups I'm the partition of India into Pakistan, among airplanes I'm 'Air Force One', among racist groups I'm the Klu Klux Klan, and as proof of a Masonic-Templar-Illuminati conspiracy I'm the $1 bill,

"Among famous movie lines I'm: "Play it again, Sam!", among horny bastards I'm a freakin Mormon, among good jokes I'm the Polish Coyote, and among bad jokes I'm the "knock knock" joke,

The Song of God. Original Musical Score by Ravi.

"Among loud rock bands I'm Spinal Tap, among loud amp volumes I'm 11, among wild guitar players I'm Angus Young, and among Vegas has-beens I'm Tom Jones,

"Among winners I'm the slot machine, among soft drinks I'm Cream Soda, among clean-cut gorillas I'm Tarzan, and of sick museums I'm the Cambodia 'Killing Fields' Memorial,

"Among Scientologists I'm Tom Cruise, among false prophets I'm Jim Jones, among hipster cops I'm Sonny Crockett, and among absurd inventions I'm the pogo stick,

"Among Years I'm the leap year, among obnoxious surfers I'm Mickey Dora, among guilty SOBs I'm OJ Simpson, and among bad movies I'm Chuck Norris's MIA,

"Among shit-out-of-luck ships I'm the Titanic, among those you don't want to piss off I'm Tony Jaa, among bad choices for a cell mate I'm A-Team's Mr. T, and among sources of the truth I'm Uncyclopedia (your up-to-the-second source of Misinformation).

"Among disgraced comebacks I'm Pee Wee Herman, among heavyweight boxing champions I'm Rocky (Marciano), among nut-case big wave surfers I'm "Double D" (Darrick Doerner), among great fights I'm Leonard v/s Hearns, and among lousy fights I'm Leonard v/s Roberto Duran,

"Among dancers I'm Chubby Checker, among successful preposterous-nonsense books I'm Harry Potter, among radical surf spots I'm Jaws, and among COOL songs I'm "Shapes of Things" by The Yardbirds,

"Among attacks I'm D-Day, among great tastes I'm yummy Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup, among lawyers I'm Ken Starr, and among mistakes I'm the Vietnam War,

"Among dead-as-a-doornail-chicks I'm Lady Di, among things to avoid I'm an Ice Berg, among things not to give your kids to play with I'm plutonium, and among great cartoonists I'm Don Martin,

"Among aliens I'm THE Alien, among monsters worse than the Alien I'm Ripley, among baby-boomers I'm Tim Leary, and among gnarly massacres I'm Mai lai,

"Among good reasons NOT to get born rich I'm J Paul Getty Jr., among dirt-bag generals I'm William Westmoreland, among all pains in the neck I'm Elliot Ness, and among sexy dudes I'm Zorro,

"Among crooks I'm Robert Vesco, among war mongers I'm Charlie Heston, among mice I'm Mighty Mouse, among Road-Runners I'm Beep Beep, and among jokes I'm the PUNCH LINE,

"Among camel-jockies I'm Lawrence of Arabia, among guilty-innocents I'm Phil freakin Spector, among great cowboy movies I'm Broke-back Mountain, among all those in Hell I'm the goddamn Devil, and as the bad-ass of all bad asses I’m Jack Bauer.

"...Suffice it so say I am all this! But if you REALLY want to understand My Supreme Powers and highest glories... Then check out this super-cool Swiss Army Knife!

"Know it for certain that what ever is good and nice in the world is but a reflection of My glories! And of what is bad and nasty in this world, well, you can blame that geek in N. Korea with the funny hair-style!...

"So understand, Dude? Now pick up your piece and go massacre your family members to gain political control of a point-of-a-needle of dirt, er, a grain of sand."

Lopez Purport[edit]

Up until this point in The All-attractive's story He's already killed just about more people than freakin' Hitler. So it's pretty unlikely that The All-attractive's gonna say, like, "Make love not war!" Daa!!! It doesn't take, like, a rocket surgeon to figure that one out. Still, there's probably some commie pinko knee jerk liberal that thinks The All-attractive should pretend like he's Mahatma Gandhi or something. Little did they know that the damn Muslims were gonna end up worse than the "reds". I mean, even that funny-haired dude in North Korea or North Shore, or wherever, like, even he's better than a freakin' terrorist. Good thing too, coz he's gotta few nukes hangin' out.

Splinter Cults[edit]

The NEW All-attractive in one of many manifestations within ITSCON.

Over the years, the fanatics who joined The All-attractive have split into many separate opposing factions. They all cite The All-attractive in support of their various viewpoints. However, the official position of the GBC is that the All-attractive has already uttered every possible combination of English words; there is nothing He didn't say. So they are all operating with His endorsement. You too can choose your own path and claim that The All-attractive told you to.

Itscon Math v/s Gaudiya Math[edit]

Itscon is also a type of Mathematics (ITSCON MATH) that postulates that however many times you add nine to nine it still comes to 1. The Gaudiya system of Mathematics (GAUDIYA MATH) is a simpler form of numerology which postulates that however many times you add nine to nine it still comes to 9. These two conflicting/similar forms of Math are only enemies because The All-attractive said so / didn't say so. But according to GBC resolution number 938,577-b the real answer IS however many times you add nine to nine it still comes to 30 GBC.

Root Formula Difference[edit]

  • Basics of Gaudiya Math:

  • Basics of Itscon Math:

Mother Organization[edit]

Itscon Membership S.A.T.[edit]

To determine if you are REALLY a demigod fit to mop the temple floor - print and complete the following Standard Attitude Test (S.A.T.):


All religious devotees display a certain attitude when fanatical. This test is to determine your knowledge of key aspects of the one-real-truth, as well as to obtain an understanding of your blind-faith potential. This test may only be taken once per birth, and if you fail to display relevant knowledge and attitude, you will be marked as demon on your karmic record.

  1. Use No. 2 pencil or blue or black pen only.
  2. Make dark marks that fill the square completely.
  3. Do not fold, tear or make stray marks on this answer sheet
  4. No one may leave the room without permission
  5. Cell phone use is not allowed at any time in the test center
  6. Only non-programmable calculators are allowed to be used in the testing environment
The All-attractive means Cash magnet Vacuum cleaner God Almighty
Demon means Your family Her family His family
PAMHO means Piss off A Ho named Pam Dude!
Moses was a pimp in Bombay True False
Money IS the root of all preaching True False
What is “Gaudiya Math” Numerical system Hell's kitchen Stiff Competition
Tirthapad is headless horseman headless whoresman dead-as-a-doorman
The Moonies are a rival company Moon worshipers Korean rock band
Bloop means bad TV show mistake bust your ass
The All-attractive failed at being a playboy peace-maker killer
“Prasadam” is anti-food Indian food food-for-thought
God was murdered by His devotees True False
The Guru is all-knowing half-knowing dead wrong
The Panda brothers were nuts to gamble away their wife and wealth True False
The All-attractive created prejudice against His godbrothers that's worse than the KKK's attitude toward niggers True False
The atheists are everywhere no where in between
The Song of God was a song by DEVO God Beatles
Who is buried in Mahatma Gandhi's tomb?
Michael Jackson WAS The All-attractive True False
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