I Love Lucy
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I Love Lucy. Yes, that's right, I love her! With all my heart! With all my soul, I love that wacky redhead and her zany antics! She may be dead. She may have been married to some Cuban crooner. But what are these obstacles compared to the power of love? With God as my witness, I will win her yet!
I remember the first time I saw her... October 15, 1951. I admit that she caught me on the rebound. I had just come, at long last, to realise that Gracie Allen was not the girl for me. I tried to fill the void she left in my life with Mary Livingstone, but it wasn't the same. I considered giving up on women altogether, until both Amos and Andy put out restraining orders against me. Whoever said that once you go black, you never go back never met those CBS lawyers.
And so I was left alone and dejected. But then I switched on the TV and saw her - Lucy Riccardo! My Henna-ed angel! My Bug-Eyed Venus! Oh, vision of wacky loveliness, how I longed to hear your grating voice whisper in my ear as I licked the cream pie from your face! Oh, Lucy, if only you would be mine!
But there was Ricky! Always, there was Ricky! Ricky, heartless husband who forbade his wife from the stage of the Tropicana! Ricky, Batista's[1] cabana boy! Damn him! Damn him, because he has her.
Fool that I was, I thought that their relationship might be winding down. They didn't even sleep in the same bed, for God's sake! But somehow... somehow she got "in the family way" and produced Ricky jr. Oh, Lucy, if you wanted children, I could have taken care of that. I'd get you a proper house too, not that silly little apartment!
No, I've got to stop torturing myself like this. I've been stalking her for over half a century now, so she's bound to realise that she loves me back sooner or later[2]. And then, we can be together, at last!
And if you should want a three-way with Ethel, well, who am I to say no?
- ^ As an interesting side note, a supporter of Fulgencio Batista was known as a Batistaista.
- ^ Actually, stalking her has been much easier since she was buried.
- Note: The show is often mistaken for another CBS show with a similar title.
