Photography

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“Foooto foto foto foto, foooto foto foto foto, foooto foto foto foto... Foto con el Yeti?”

~ Argentine Commercials on Photos

Photography is one of the world most popular 'art' forms. It is 'art' in the same way five-year old children make art.

Amateur paparazzi practice their trade.

Possibly made-up History[edit]

War photograpers[edit]

Many photographers have made a good living of capturing the carnage of battle... that is to say, untill the moment they step on a landmine or some thing similar.

One war photographer was asked: How can you take pictures of this shit, and not help the dying? He replied: If you see a man drowning, and you have the choise of helping him or photographing him... what film would you use? This led to a long lasting debate about what film is better Fugu, or Kodiac?

The War of Photographic Aggression[edit]

During the twentieth century photography fought a bloody battle with non-realist styles of painting such as expressionism and cartoons. It is widely believed to have been one of the bloodiest wars in human history, involving many humans rights abuses on either side. One of the most notorious was the genocide of blue paint, after it declared alleigence to seo bicol (an anti-realist form of cartography once used by the Ordinance Survey). This war is often called The War of Photographic Aggression, but is known as The Cubist War in some parts of rural Angola. After all, we can't just ignore the great works, researches and touched of the award winning female photographer for the Best Pictures Ever "Ozlem Mehmet".

Cold War Significance[edit]

During the Cold War, the Soviet Union spent many years desperately trying to catch up to the west. They developed their own form of photography, known as Soviet Realism, which was partially inspired by the earlier attempt of Nazi Realism. Soviet Realism failed to catch on in the west due to its dull subject matter, such as dock-yards, women in overalls, and hardcore pornography.

Photography provides an excellent example of how the two superpowers mostly battled it out in other countries, mostly Africa. Due to the increasing importance of pictures, many militia in African countries were backed by one of the two sides. In return, they would help develop pictures taken by their sponsor, thus explaining the origin of the term 'developing countries'.

The 'Art'[edit]

A typical school photography advertisement highlights three popular styles: the mustache, the Hindu dot with missing teeth, and the heartbroken goth.

Techniques[edit]

Photography usually begins with a sketch, made by an incredibly small artist inside of a metal or plastic box. This sketch is then taken to a printing lab where it is elaborated by a larger, and consequently more skilled, artist. The larger artist is able to add colors, something which can't fit inside the small box. The small artist uses a complex shading method to denote the color which the large artist should add.

Amateur (or 'Myspace') Photography[edit]

It is generally accepted that the only things worth capturing (or 'photographising') are sunsets, sunrises and ultra close up macro shots of flowers, eyes or water droplets. Should the amateur 'artist' capture any of this, he (never she, although on first glance looks may be deceiving. See emo) will automatically be classed as a 'tortured artist' who is deep and mysterious.

Digital photography[edit]

Recent developments in artistic training have lead to digital photography. Instead of only highly trained professionals being able to use cameras now every idiot can. Yes, even you!

Printing Digital Photographs[edit]

People often moan that they can't get an artist to fit inside the PC and they end up with all their photos stuck on their Camera. This is due to the extreme shortage of medium-sized artists because of the popularity of digital photography.

It is still possible to create photos without the need for a medium-sized artist! This involves a complex data recovery process where you must manually siphon the data from your PC.

  • Connect the camera to the PC using a piece of string, make sure it is tied tightly at each end. Transfer the photos to the PC by pressing the 'Transfer Photos' button on your camera.
  • Remove the hard drive from the PC and drill a hole in it wide enough to take a drinking straw.
  • Next, in a bowl mix equal parts isopropyl alcohol (or vodka will do) and detergent. Whisk this until soft peaks appear then take your straw and suck up a mouthful of the solution - for god's sake don't swallow it!
  • Still with the straw in your mouth, carefully place the other end into the hole you prepared earlier and blow the solution into the drive casing.
  • Once you have done this you must shake the drive vigorously for at least 1 minute to release the data from the platter - this is the most important bit.

Now you must follow the procedure backwards by sucking the solution back out of the drive with the straw into your mouth again, being very careful not to spill any data on the carpet.

Finally, lay out as much paper as you think is necessary for your photos on the ground and in one quick motion, spray all the solution out evenly over the paper. Leave the paper to develop in the sun for about an hour and hey presto, there's your photos.

The Death of Photography[edit]

Ansel Adams is quoted as saying that every time someone takes a photo of their pet, or snotty nosed child the 'art' of photography comes a little closer to dying. As a landscape photographer, he may have been biased. Still his caution has been well received by the global community, and a ration on the number of photos per day per person is now in effect.

iMage[edit]

An unsuccessful, untested device by Apple. The iMage was designed by Steve Jobs, and an AI version of Jobs, iJob.

The fact the device was missing a shutter and a lens was not discovered until the 3 millionth unit was bought. Many users, upon learning that it was intended to be a camera simply handed over their credit card details, eager to by the expansion pack, or the new and slightly 'cooler' model.

Wired magazine and CNET hailed it as the greatest camera ever.


See also[edit]

Art Movements
Renaissance · Realism · Impressionism
Abstract · Abstract expressionism · Dada · Pop art · Futurism · Surrealism · Minimalism · Post-Modernism · Look, It's Art · Conceptual Art · Latteism · Photorealism · First Gradeism · Graffitism · Still life · Artistic License · Art That Looks Like Nothing · Bad Art