Imaginary Praying Mantis
The Imaginary Praying Mantis is a remarkably distinguishable insect has been known to come to babies in the night and sing Hanukkah songs such as "I Have a Little Dreidel" to soothe them to sleep. They have succeeded and failed in this endeavour.
Mantises are masters of camouflage and they make use of their special coloration to blend in with their background and to escape predators (e.g. babies' parents). They also use their ability to have vibrant colors to lure their prey, particularly babies. What baby could resist a hopping rainbow?
The imaginary species in particular, shoot laser beams out of their eyes and if the baby is uncooperative, they will put them to sleep in an instant sometimes killing them. These mantises been known to wear baggy hip hop pants and sing the musical stylings of 50 cent and busta rhymes on occasion...sometimes bringing out various illegal narcotic drugs like heroin. They also wear large clocks in the style of flavor-flav.
Parents are scared about the influence this species could have on their children and in recent years, they have taken to trying to remove them from the world.
Methods that Don't Work
Various methods include sticky paper, mantis traps(bought at the local hardware store), miniature guns, heat seeking miniature bazookas, miniature gas chambers, and very bad music in the style of Toby Keith. But to no avail, unfortunately all these methods have led to an increase in infant mortality and the imaginary mantis population has seen an increase over the years.
Methods that Work
Some ways that decrease the probability of the imaginary praying mantis infestation are: building a moat filled with hydrochloric acid (or whatever your baby threw up that day) or playing loud folk music. These insects should not be taken lightly. Of course as with all insects, the typical bug repellent will be somewhat effective. However, the mantises have built a sort of immunity over the years and will only mutter a string of profanities if sprayed in the face.
Bug candles work as well. If you would like to see the mantis 20 yards away from you, they have been known to prowl the edge of the border of the fumes and cast shifty looks and twiddle their thumbs while plotting revenge on the baby.
These mantises tend to participate in sexual cannibalism. For example, the female may bite off the male's head. We can guess that they enjoy the sex because in one day they have been known to produce up to one million babies that die within the hour.
- August 13, 2008: streaked on Whyte Ave
- some time in December, 2008: got drunk at an annual Hanukkah party
- January 1, 2009: stole 50 cent's clothes
- March 19, 2009: participated in a reenactment of the Civil War (200 people died)
- April 1, 2009: put a Whoopie Cushion under Whoopi Goldberg's butt
- May 3, 2009: tried to get a green card by marrying a Canadian spider
PLEASE NOTE: If you see an imaginary praying mantis try not to scare the creature. The imaginary mantis is a sensitive species. We are working on reducing the frequency of their bedwetting and spontaneous diarrhea, but they may erupt at any given moment. To avoid injury or the unpleasantness of poop aroma, wear a poncho.