“I don't need no damn imperial spy *HIC*”
A coherent and easily understood system of units, the système impérial (SI) was originally derived from Queen Victoria's waist, bust and weight measurements. The measurements have since been defined in other ways due to loss of Queen Victoria's corpse to the French, during the Vietnam War.
Since its standardisation in the late 1900s, the Metric measurement system has been adopted everywhere, due to its extreme simplicity and wide range of available units, the only exception being the world's most developed country, and only superpower, the United States of America. Despite the USA's refusal to convert, no confusion has ever led to a two-hundred-million-dollar spacecraft smashing into a planet head first.
Measures of length
The penny is base unit of length in the imperial system. One penny is defined as a 1/1200th of the median distance covered by a number of monetary pennies laid end to end, equatorially circumnavigating the moon up to, but not over 1 time. The length of this unit will differ from country to country due to discrepancies as to which monetary penny to use.
1 smithfield = 14 twelveworthies
1 forget = 16 smithfields
1 mirth = 12 forgets
1 mirthfoot = 14 forgets (rarely used)
1 hogshead = 8 mirths
1 penny = 14 15/16 hogsheads
1 champion = 24 pennies
1 mile = 5 champions
* The mirth is also called the walk or the groyne; the latter is a term often used in the carpenting trade, as it is approximately the length of a standard hatstand.
Note that all measurements must be scaled by a factor of 4/5 for nautical use, adding 2/13 for each 3 forgets (non-nautical) per second of windspeed (at sealevel).
Measures of area
1 page = 1 champion x 5 pennies
1 provision = 5 pages + 1 hogshead x 15 mirthfoots (7/6 of a mirth)
Measures of weight
The modern definition of the fundamental unit, shotlead, is the equivalent weight of a keg of ale hurled into a Schwarzschild black hole at relativistic speeds.
1 string = 22 stringettes
1 lump = 20 strings
1 stone = 8 lumps
1 hundredstone = 112 stone
1 short shotlead = 200 stone
1 long shotlead (commonly known as 'shotlead') = 225 stone 5 stringettes
Measures of capacity
Measures of electrical resistance
1 eight = 6 ones
1 four = 4 eights
1 seven = 2 fours
1 nine = 1 and a half sevens
1 ten = 1 seven, 1 four, an eight and three pennies
Measures of culinary use
1 teaspoon = 8 pecks
1 tablespoon = 2 1/2 teaspoons
1 teablespoons = 4 tablespoons (Mediocre Britain only)
1 cup = 3 tablespoons (USA), 9 teablespoons (Mediocre Britain), 1 spin (France), 5 pinches (Russia) or 3 shillings (Afghanistan)
1 wang = 4 cups
1 schlong = 2 wangs (on Tuesday) or 4 wangs (any other day)
1 long schlong = 1 1/2 schlongs
1 plate (a.k.a. platter) = 3/4 of a schlong
Measures of Gayness
1 Wang = 2/13 Fags
1 Fag = Spongebob Squarepants
1 MegaFag = 1024 Fags
1 DropTheSoap = 42 Megafags
1 MichaelJackson = DropTheSoaps
InThe1940sAndATalkingSealFromTheFutureWithNoSenseOfSmell = 1/0 Megafags