Ina Garten

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Hammy getting ready to tittyfuck some tomatoes
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Ina "Slutty Pig" Garten, sometimes commonly referred to as "Hammy" and also "The Greasy-Haired Lady", is a portly cook on The Food Network. Her show is simply called "Barefoot Cuntessa" where she creates various meals out of things picked up at the market, like foot shavings, teet-treats, gay men's dander, and various other old-World delicacies.

Sex[edit]

Ina is a total pig and probably smells like feet and hair oil. On her television show, she once claimed to have had sex on various Domino's Pizzas with her partner, Eileen Yulick. Eileen has been quoted in an interview that Ina isn't really a lesbian, but fans of her show know otherwise. Ina tries to play up both images that she is straight and a lesbian in order to appeal to everyone and attempt to look "cool."

Her Stupid Show[edit]

She basically makes stuff out of the most ritzy and expensive stuff you can find in one of the richest neighborhoods in the United States. In one episode of her show, she demonstrated making popsicle sticks in the shape of one of her favorite dildos, and strap-on-strap-shapped "fun time" pasta. The sticks came from the wood of one of the rarest trees on Earth (The hard-on of a man who would be willing to copulate with her) and the pasta from the legs of a Praying Mantis and eggs of the Desert Ostrich. To the casual reader, it is obvious Barefoot Cuntessa needs to more originality. On another episode of the show, she got her pussy caught on a hand mixer, but it wasn't Eileen Yulick's hand. Ina has also noted that she has diarrhea as creamy as butter. Don't let Paula Deen hear you say that Ina!

Food[edit]

In reality, the so-called food she makes is nothing that any 16-year old girl too fat and ugly to get a date couldn't prepare, other than not being able to afford the ingredients. It is suspected that Ina's past is probably a similar story.

Wardrobe[edit]

Her wardrobe is very bland and usually has to have the tent spikes removed prior to wearing. Almost every episode, she is in a demin button shirt, and black pants. In her opening video on the show, you can see her fat ass walking on the beach wearing white. Not very sexy at all, but a different color nonetheless. She also has the same hairdue that she did 80 years ago, and dies it black to make herself look younger. Ina prides herself on her hair and how it takes up a life of its own with every new show. Ina exclusively uses pigmy grease in her hair to ensure it captures the right luster on camera.

Weight[edit]

She has mentioned on her show countless times that she weighs, on average, the same as newborn sperm whale. I think she is being generous to herself with that comment, but who cares. Ina's weight has grown noticeably since the unexplained disappearance of her proverbial husband Jeffrey. It is commonly thought in fan circles that (gay) Jeffrey and his fag-hag Ina got far too close one night, and she accidentally absorbed him. Observers remain optimistic that Jeffrey will be able to be detected faintly screaming for help every time Ina opens her mouth but isn't speaking.

Smartass Comments[edit]

Here are some of the mean and twisted things she has said on her show to the audience and various guests (who will remain anonymous for privacy purposes) who can tolerate visiting her without vomiting:

  • "Just to let you know, I just shat on the Thanksgiving Turkey"
  • "Would like to see my cunt tattoo?"
  • "I found a piece of corn in my menstrual blood"
  • "Wow, you could put the fire out with your penis!"
  • "Eileen, have you seen my clitoris lately?"
  • "I'm a communist"
  • "I use to be a waitress at Denny's until they caught me eating the French Fries and urinating on the children"
  • "I hate Oprah's Black N***** ass!"
  • "What's a strumpet? Is that a type of roll similar to a crumpet?"
  • "I use to slam ham with Elton John."
  • "Sometimes, I get urges to stick my fingers in things."
  • "Fuck!" (After stubbing her toe on the doorway)
  • "Sometimes I wish I had cancer."
  • "Fornicating with your food will help tenderize it."
  • "Shhhhhhhh, don't tell my girlfriend, but I am sleeping with that sheep right over there!"
  • "Can someone help me take my bra off?"
  • "Help! I have a piece of shit I can't get out of my ass!!!"

Cookbooks[edit]

  • Barefoot Cuntessa's Guide To Ruining a Family Dinner
  • Barefoot Cuntessa: Fast Food is Better Than the Crap In This Book
  • Barefoot Cuntessa: Will I Ever Cook Something Delicious?
  • Barefoot Cuntessa: Funny Thanksgiving Mishaps
  • Barefoot Cuntessa: Bushback Mountain


See Also[edit]