Inca Empire

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“They invented the wheel, right?”

~ Genius on the Incans
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Inca Empire.

The Incans were a group of semi-atomic Mortal Kombat characters who lived in southern and central America, from the beginning of time until the European invasion of 1756 CE. A highly advanced civilization, historians generally agree that the intruders only won due to a lack of funding on the Incans' part and the European pop-music-centered culture; many conquistadors brought their boom-boxes into the jungle in order to pass time while exploring, inevitably leading to countless Incans overhearing the music and dying due to their lack of anti-bodies.

Don't let his rosy cheeks and friendly smile deceive. He is actually a rosy-cheeked, friendly, smiling cartoon who wants to pretend he's real and then reveal just the opposite, shattering your view of the world. I'm going to go cry now.

Spanning a time-frame of numerous time measurements, the Incan empire at one point stretched from the northern tip of modern day Mexico throughout the entire south American continent, save one region about the size of the Banana Republic, which existed in multiple universes and thus had larger overall space than the size of the Banana Republic in this dimension alone. For more information about all that confusing crap with universes, see here, or simply read a Percy Jackson book while on meth.



On the 7th day, God created light. On the 22nd day, light thought God was, like, totally bogus, and God should just leave light alone because God is embarrassing light; with light's diluted new-found realization of being remotely completely independent, it decided it could do God's job much better, and in his first attempt created Nicolas Cage. This glaring failure, through quite a chain of events, led to the creation of time, and with it, the Incan empire, complete with a complex system of politics and government. As these early humans' intelligence was based off Nicolas Cage, this crumbled and was replaced with a much simpler system in which whoever won in a Pokemon stadium battle was supreme ruler of the empire.

Early time-frame[edit]

Immeasurably long after the creation of this empire, this empire was precisely 200 years old, and under the reign of supreme pizza groove master overlord Yao Ming (a communist drunkard who insisted he could talk to wagons) the economy thrived. With many men becoming rich, many heirs were thrust into the world with close ties to government officials and plenty of money and interests waiting for the government. A strict aristocracy was born, and the common man found himself with few work opportunities, save menial farm work, restaurants, professional lawn-mowing, pruhfeshunal wrastling, acrobatics, counseling, astronauting, and aristocrating. That last one was especially popular.

As civil unrest grew, that bird gave me a funny look, and men across the Incan empire were crying for a social reform. Aristocrats, firm believers of the powers of reverse psychology, released a press... release, worded thus:

Cquote1.png It has come to our attention that certain individuals throughout our Utopian society think that it's just so fucking hard being them, and say the social system is imbalanced. Thus, we invite each and every one of you "lower class citizens" to show up at our capital building, and try to do our job. We'll see how you like it, and once you've had a taste and are quite done bitching, you can go back to your simple and easy lives while we do all the hard work. Cquote2.png

As is to be expected by anyone of basic intelligence, the oppressed working class took control. Surprisingly enough, they did not subjugate the aristocrats to the horrors of revenge, and restored equilibrium to politics, so that the lowliest farmboy could grow up to do something useful for society. Kind of like the idea behind America, only... successful.

Mid-time frame[edit]

Not excessively interesting. Basically, disco took over, and there

Vegetarians used this banner to unite all hippies, who, believing all life is sacred, weren't scared of snakes; everyone else was, though, so the vegetarians profited off that.

was a civil rights movement for freelance vegetarians who until then couldn't take part in government save by voting and being elected into office.

Late time frame - Downfall[edit]

23 years after the invention of the telegram - a device invented 23 years prior by a device inventor who devised inventions in his free time - the Incan civilization began a spiral of collapse. In 1498 CE, Techicatowel Abawhee was elected president of Macedonia, but then realized he was elected to be the Macedonian president by the Incans, who obviously liked him and needed a president, so he figured he'd go and rule over the newly renamed "Country full of people who live in this country country." However, opinions toward him were extreme, and both positive and negative; the positive response was because he was a soft-spoken guy who just wanted to keep the peace, the kind of guy who you felt could cuddle you up in his arms and keep you sheltered from all the sadness in the world, and all the bad stuff would just, I don't know, just kind of fade away... um *ahem* and the people who didn't like him held that he believed far too much in compromise, and might put the needs of Incans behind a desire for peace and love. 48% of the population insisted he had rigged the election, and the 52% percent who voted for Techicatowel were soft-spoken and just wanted to keep the peace, and so didn't want to point out that they had all voted for him. Then Techicatowel, being soft-spoken and simply wanting to keep the peace, decided he would just leave and not make a fuss about it. See, he was a pretty soft-spoken guy, he just wanted to keep the peace, you know? I'm sure you know, I won't make a fuss about it.

So country full of people who live in this country country was left with no leader, and anarchy soon took hold, to be replaced, first, by a dictatorship, then an olligarchy, then a democracy, dictator again, a social system extremely similar to the Russian mafia, a jar of mayonnaise, and finally feudalism. When the serfs discovered the NES and productivity fell 96.8584073%, their braev knighte overlords was all "Aw heyyyyyyul naw!" and killed every serf; no just kidding! The knights had more foresight than that, of course, and knew that if they killed all serfs they would have to do the farm work themselves. And so they kept 300 alive, which they calculated to be precisely enough, including all foreseen variables, to produce enough food to feed everything alive in their kingdom plus a rainy day fund. However, they didn't get rid of the NES. Then they got angry again, killed all but 4, and figured they might as well make the 4 serfs knights to reward them for their efforts. Theeeeeeeen they all starved, leaving no civilization for Europeans to find still standing, corrugating perfectly with my explanation of how they all died in the first paragraph of the article. What? No! Don't go read it!



In the year 1051, the Incan civilization was set to have an empire-wide celebration to commemorate the 4 year anniversary of Avatar Aang mastering earth-bending. The cook of the previous year's capital building celebration had suffered a tragic toaster related death, and so Kihluhman Jawroh, the ruler at the time, held a competition to find "Country full of people who live in this country country's next top model," who would choose the cook out of a set of 20 randomly selected citizens based on who she thought had the nicest feet. The man who was chosen, luckily, knew how to cook. 26-year-old Clehvurn Aim was a blacksmith, specializing in forging pans for royalty, which he would of course test. Not bothering to actually cook food with these pans (he simply needed to make sure they could cook, and would not melt or morph into rabid rabbits as he dreaded yet accepted would happen some day), his habit carried into being a professional chef; one day, he simply sauteed mushrooms and onions, delicately placed it onto a baguette, garnished with buffalo cheese, coated it in molten iron, froze it, thawed it, ate it, and served it with au jus. The foremost of Incan culinary designs, which to this day lasts in select corners of Cambodian dentist offices, was born: the "no way, you actually like it?" sandwich.

The sandwich was served at some parties, most weddings, and all satanic cult meetings, thus becoming the basis for Incan cuisine. For the next 300 years, no food would ever be served without being first frozen and then thawed, until in 1376 when everyone realized that no-one had ever really bothered freezing and thawing for the past 300 years because no-one could ever tell the difference from taste and it was a lot of work.


A favorite sport among Incans, the "game played by people who play this game game" was a national pastime in which three teams of 5 competed to solve a scavenger hunt, communicating exclusively through spinning and stopping a hula-hoop to convey Morse code. New evidence suggests that each city was mandated to hold 24-hour raves, which anyone had free access to at any time; these centers were unfortunately inconsistent on heroin polices: some provided it themselves, some required consumers to provide, and some insist that that window was just talking to me! Why don't you believe me?!


Any religion was forbidden, as citizens of country full of people who live in this country country were smart enough to realize that religion only led to people killing each other based on something they couldn't possibly know the first thing about, but policy allowed anyone to worship anything in any way they choose, as long as they aren't caught. Oh, and as long as it liked cantaloupe.

Common interests[edit]

Dogs. What? They're goddamnmotherfuckingcute!


The Tr00, Kvlt, and Frostbitten album. A mere three goat souls went into each copy; pathetic. Satan is displeased.

The Incan music scene changed often, fads coming and going on a monthly basis, with the only notable artist who consistently returned to fame being Frank Sinatra; an average of three or so months would lead to the release of another smash-hit by Sinatra, cultivating in his delving into the (what he believed to be) untapped potential of black metal. Teaming up with Immortal, his first single (call of the wintermoon) met with little success, yet Sinatra could feel deep within his frostbitten kvlt soul that mighty Satan looked upon him with favor; he promptly went insane and sacrificed three goats, paving the way for pop-punk.



Education was mandated to be provided free of charge to anyone who paid the government to provide things like education, similar to America's education system. Teachers were made to pass a pedophile test; the lowest passing grade, "You want some candy?", was approximately 1/5th the level of the highest, Ronald McDonald; as a point of comparison, most bears scored a 15.8 out of 20, 1.7 below a Ronald McDonald score.

Students learned valuable life skills: everything from math, language, and science, to horse castration and door-opening. Tests were generally quite easy up until the 10th year of schooling's final; initial tests ensure students are paying attention. Finals are just used to screw with the students because the higher-grade teachers all play WoW while drunk during school hours. All the same, if students are found to be slacking off, their IP address is banned from the teachers' clan.

Law making[edit]

An assembly of educated men and women, re-elected whenever the grand obelisk of Mordor casts a shadow precisely the average length of an iguana's tail, met each year to re-evaluate what laws applied to the modern society; the process involved everyone drinking some tea steeped in hallucinogenic shrooms, then watching a horror movie; while still good and riled up, they would riot throughout town, trying to make as much damage as possible and hurt anyone and anything they can. The next day, citizens give a list of which activities had screwed them over the most, which would then be outlawed. If no complaints were received, for example, for the lawmakers shooting wildly into a large crowd, that would remain legal, whereas if using ducks as bowling balls on a slip-n-slide causes civil outrage, that would be outlawed. A true stroke of genius, to implement such a brilliant project into government.

Public services[edit]

A socialistic society, heavy taxes funded many common welfare projects; an abomination, surely. First and foremost among these services was the "Panda fund," which entitled all citizens to one free panda per year, with which to do anything desired. Popular among these opportunities was to glue waffles to their feet, then have them skate in an ice-rink, the ice being largely composed of frozen syrup; powdered sugar and butter were bonus items, a popular tactic used by the pandas, and any panda to find strawberries was immediately declared victor, thus granted a Cuban estate and one free copy of Minecraft.

For a complete and comprehensive list, please see an accreditable source.

The common person's role in government.[edit]

In the original Pokemon-centered government, the only involvement for anyone in government was simply the stadium battles. As that was replaced with America's system (don't believe the history books; the founding fathers didn't come up with anything new, they just stole from the Incans) of regional, state, and federal government, opportunities cropped up everywhere for the average citizen to get involved with Pokemon battles have their voice be heard within the clamor of politics; voting was strongly encouraged, anyone could run for office, a complex system of useless political parties was established so values were easily identified, pop-tart cats were kept at non-destructive levels by special units of telephone-wielding-time-travelers and the government set up an international, non-biased newspaper, which kept readers current on the evils of all those who cry dissent with the current ruler's system. Did I mention how bad those non-republicans non-democrats are?

Incriminating conspiracies and their proofs[edit]

The incans were actually a series of clever edits of prison convicts in MS paint. The real incans was actually a famous rockband known for creating Black dynamite.