Involuntary celibacy

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Involuntary celibacy.

“I gave it a go, but couldn't keep it up.”

~ Noel Coward on Involuntary Celibacy

Involuntary celibacy (ugliusgenitaliaintactusitis), also known as "Incel", is a proposed communicable viral disease common among unfortunate-looking individuals and those too pathetic to get laid. It hasn't been officially accepted by the medical community, and is thought to be something that sounds cooler and makes you sound like you've been diagnosed with something instead of just being scared of girls. Despite its status as "unofficial", it is estimated to afflict more than 60 million Americans, though no real statistics exist to prove this. The disease is easily diagnosed but very difficult to treat with no known cure. Once diagnosed with involuntary celibacy, the sufferer can anticipate never having sex, as the disease primarily afflicts individuals who can't find anyone to have sex with them for various reasons.

There are many symptoms of involuntary celibacy, making it a very identifiable disease. Symptoms are often relating to physical appearance, such as being obese, old, or ugly. Even minor physical flaws, such as having crooked eyes or a third nipple can lead to involuntary celibacy. Particular interests may also be a blatant symptom of involuntary celibacy, which can include, but aren't limited to, being a Star Trek geek, Wikipedia editor, or Electrified mocha chinchilla.

An incel sufferer. Note the ugliness.

Treatment[edit]

As mentioned above, there is no cure for incel, and sufferers are more than likely stuck with the disease for the rest of their lives. A sad existence indeed, many incel sufferers live in their mom's basement, reclusive from society while excessively masturbating to what they believe to be young women that they are cybering with (which are actually 40-year-old males posing as women). Because of their reclusive lifestyles, sufferers may go undiagnosed for their entire lives.

However, if one is diagnosed, several treatments are available, most of them only able to ease the pain. A costly make-over is available to those who are desperate to be rid of this horrible ailment, but 98% of the time, this method fails.

One experimental treatment is a sort of "astral-projection", where the person pretends to not be themselves. Dr. Lowe, a specialist in incel explained that, "by changing their perspective about themselves (i.e., not being themselves), we find that they increase their chances of being laid dramatically." However, Woody Allen's mockumentary Zelig convinced many physicians that having patients pretend to be someone else can have very bad consequences.

Medications are still in the developmental stages. One promising pill which is currently being designed is expected to morph the individual. Details are vague and testing of the drug is at a halt as human test subjects for such a pill are, not surprisingly, scarce.

Spread & Infection[edit]

Though unverified, incel is believed to be spread by an unclassified virus idenfitied as "unclassified virus XXXT9-42WWE69-1337-43110-GHAL-900012-ABCUSAP-666." It is of unknown origins and seems to be only communicable amongst humans. It can be spread through basic contact. Essentially, hanging around infected individuals decreases your chances of being laid. If prolonged exposure to infected individuals occurs, permanent infection is possible.

One can acquire the disease through the air and the simple physical presence of an infected individual. It is likely to be spread through fluid contact as well. It cannot be passed through sexual intercourse. Ever.