Incest
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How else are they going to find it?
“A relatively good idea”
~ Albert Einstein on incest
“Fun for the whole family!”
Incest is the practice of sex between immediate family members, both for procreation and for fun. In layman's terms, it's like when you go to kiss your grandmother goodbye and she slips you the tongue, which is like grosser than gross, until you get into it, and then it's hot.
The practice is a black or white issue, either one seems to be for it, or one seems to be against it. However in a New York Times Poll, most Americans are convinced that Incest is a ritualistic part of the Mormon faith, and therefore are against it.
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[edit] Purpose
The purpose of Incest is to please everyone and to annoy the neighbors. It pleases those who practice incest, as well as those who frequently say the word, "incest." The practice is considered Holy in Bible. Adam + Eve = incest. God + Jesus also = incest. It was universal after God destroyed the Earth with a flood as described in the Biblical book of Genesis, translated as "Who left the water running?" Noah, his wife and kids were the only people left on Earth. Thus all their descendents are the product of incest, reproducing to populate the Earth. No matter what anyone tells you, you are the product of Incest.
[edit] Everyone out of the gene pool
The scientific rationale against incest is that inbreeding between close family members tends to produce mutant but bland, uninteresting people. The practice also is known for producing other undesirable defects such as water on the brain and nipples on the forehead. There is also vocal opposition from most ignorant people who register their opinion on the matter by simply vomiting.
Those who "don't see nuthin' wrong which it" claim that it strengthens genetic trends in the nuclear family, and reinforces evolutionary successes within the gene pool. Hence, those who practice incest today, contrary to popular taboos and morally-dogmatic stigmas, enjoy longer life (no, seriously check out the January the 24th issue if New Scientist magazine), superior intelligence, and more vitality. Employers also claim that six fingered administrative assistants are more productive and that typing speeds in data entry clerks increase when two more fingers are added to the keyboard. Manicurists say such people are good for business as well.
[edit] Lott's daughters, so the bible tells us
In the Bible, incest is explained as one option available to man- and womankind to ensure that "humans" outsmart God's Mighty Hammer. According to the story, Trent Lott, a resident of Sodom County, Mississippi — where he has a nice house overlooking the floating casinos in Biloxi — offers his daughters to the visiting angels. They decline, stating that they were hoping for some manly redneck rough trade, but as a reward, the angels allow Senator Lott and his daughters to escape Sodom County before they summoned Hurricane Katrina to obliterate the sinful place.
After the storm was all was quiet, the girls believed that they were the only people alive in the world. So the Senator's daughters decide to save humanity and procreate, using their father's seed for "spring planting," as it were — or so we are told. (They did take care to get the Senator liquored up first. Even their father needed beer goggles.) This, then, is the foundation of incest, and the rationale offered to criminal court judges — "It is not sin, it is 'His' will."
[edit] Family Affair
A notable practitioner of incest was Robert J. Barron, a highway restroom janitor from Seepage County, Kentuckistan, who was so successful in pursuit of the practice that he managed to become his brother, father, second uncle half-removed, and great-grandson, simultaneously. (Ironically, he was also able to become his own lawyer.) It was Barron's example that set the stage for the Great Human Evolutionary Standstill, which had been in progress for hundreds (if not thousands) of years, to finally come to an end.
[edit] She's her father's daughter
George Carlin, noted social commenter writes:
- A four year old girl walks into the bathroom while her father is taking a shower, pulls back the shower curtain and asks: "When will I get something like that between my legs?"
- "About 15 minutes after Mommy leaves for work." answers her father.
[edit] My Grandmother's Tongue
While civilized society may find the prospect of incest to be but a dream unfulfilled, the practice does have its benefits. Fathers need not worry about who their daughters will marry, because everyone in the family knows what kind of background and rap sheet Grandpappy has. This has the extra added benefit of saving the cost of hiring private detectives as well, because in an incest family, everyone gets to watch the goings-on in the pubic patch.
At the same time, familiarity (from the word familiar, itself from the root word family) breeds contempt. So, periodically, extracurricular breeding with nearby colonies is recognized as a means of enlarging the family circle.
And who knows, maybe the clan down the road will have a lobster-tailed woman who would be the perfect complement to that lobster-clawed Uncle of yours. With incest, no one is ever desperate and dateless.
[edit] You're a better lay than Mom
You know, that's what Daddy said this morning.
[edit] My Heart Really Belongs to Daddy
At the United Nations, Vice President Dick Cheney spoke on behalf of the World Human Incest Movement (WHIM), although the speech was naturally in code, so as to protect his burgeoning career as America's Tastemaker. Cheney came out in favor of the practice by declaring that "America's families are under attack as they have never been before. We must do whatever we must to protect our children against the growing threats poised by our ever-changing world." UN translators translate this sentence as: "Breed'em if you've got 'em. No muff too tough. Ugly daughters got pussies too." The speech brought standing applause from the Bulgarian delegation; coincidentally, Bulgaria hosted the Incest Games of 2008, covered exclusively by Fox Sports.
[edit] Game
With the growing popularity of incest, Milton Bradley made it into what is now the world's most popular family game, the Game of Incest! The Game of Incest is played with a large plastic floorboard with differently-colored dots. Players take it in turns. One member of the family spins a "bottle" determining which members of the family will climb over, mount, and embarrass themselves.
- Improves relationship between family members! -- Focus on the Family author James Dobson
- Fun for all the family! --The King Family
- A family that sleeps together, keeps together! --The Waltons
- Finally something the whole family can play!!! --The Jacksons
- Why go across the street when you can go across the hall? --The Brady Bunch
[edit] Famous Incest Practitioners
God, my mother is so hot! 
~ Ann Coulter
- Queen Victoria's children
- Greg and Marsha Brady
- Donny and Marie Osmond
- Commodore Vanderbilt and the Delta Queen
- Sybil
- Buffy and Jody
- Fred Phelps and his wife/daughters
[edit] See Also
- The Brady Bunch
- Fred Phelps
- Luke and Leia
- Adam and Eve
- Queen Barbie and Prince Piffic
- Cleopatra and the Asp
- Oedipus Erect
- MILF
- Great Adult Bookstore of Alexandria
- Your mom
- Arkansas
- Royalty
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