Indianapolis Dolts

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The Indianapolis Dolts (sometimes referred to as the Circle City Chokers, the Nerds from Naptown, and, pejoratively, the Indianapolis Colts) are an American football team that used to use their shitty defense as an excuse as to why they couldn't win in the playoffs, until they got a good defense and found out that they still couldn't win. Due to this and other developments, they shifted the blame for their failures to coach Tony Dungy's son's suicide instead.

The Dolts are originally from Baltimore, but came over to Indianapolis on the Mayflower in 1620 as a result of owner Robert Irsay's desire to be free from persecution by Cal Ripken, Jr. and Cab Calloway. This move made many Baltimore fans irate, to the point where the Maryland State Legislature passed a law which made shooting someone seen wearing Indianapolis Dolts apparel a civil rather than a criminal offense. This law has since been repealed, and replaced with a stricter law which allows the shooter to sue the Dolts fan to recover the cost of the ammunition expended.

Star quarterback Peyton Manning has been with the team since 1688 when he replace William of Orange. After successfully leading the Glorious Revolution, Manning decided to return to his roots in football (he had successfully led the English Sea Dogs in their defeat of the Spanish Armada in 1588) and traded control of England for command of the Colts.

Dolts owner Robert Irsay recently negotiated a new stadium deal with Indianapolis mayor Bart Peterson by placing Peterson's balls in a vise while Irsay's wife, Nancy, poured lukewarm Natural Ice beer on his bare chest and whispered "My, it's a lovely tea party" in Peterson's ear. As part of the deal, any time a person goes to a restaurant in Indianapolis, Irsay and the Dolts collectively fuck him or her up the ass, forcefully in a manner pretty much like rape until they cough up 2% of the total bill

The Harbaugh Era[edit]

The Dolts' first shot at greatness during the Indianoplace era came with the signing of Jim Harbaugh as their starting quarterback. With Harbaugh at the helm, the Dolts managed to defeat the Atlanta Hawks and Cleveland Indians and reach the AFC finals, only to be defeated by the Pittburgh Penguins, proving that Harbaugh was no different then the long line of other Dolts quarterbacks that equally choked under pressure and couldn't hit the broad side of the barn even if 42 virgins and a bag of coke were on the line.


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