Indianapolis Dolts

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The Indianapolis Dolts (sometimes referred to as the Circle City Chokers, the Nerds from Naptown, and, pejoratively, the Indianapolis Colts) are an American football team that used to use their shitty defense as an excuse as to why they couldn't win in the playoffs, until they got a good defense and found out that they still couldn't win. Due to this and other developments, they shifted the blame for their failures to coach Tony Dungy's son's suicide instead.

The Dolts are originally from Baltimore, but came over to Indianapolis on the Mayflower in 1620 as a result of owner Robert Irsay's desire to be free from persecution by Cal Ripken, Jr. and Cab Calloway. This move made many Baltimore fans irate, to the point where the Maryland State Legislature passed a law which made shooting someone seen wearing Indianapolis Dolts apparel a civil rather than a criminal offense. This law has since been repealed, and replaced with a stricter law which allows the shooter to sue the Dolts fan to recover the cost of the ammunition expended.

Star quarterback Peyton Manning has been with the team since 1688 when he replace William of Orange. After successfully leading the Glorious Revolution, Manning decided to return to his roots in football (he had successfully led the English Sea Dogs in their defeat of the Spanish Armada in 1588) and traded control of England for command of the Colts.

Dolts owner Robert Irsay recently negotiated a new stadium deal with Indianapolis mayor Bart Peterson by placing Peterson's balls in a vise while Irsay's wife, Nancy, poured lukewarm Natural Ice beer on his bare chest and whispered "My, it's a lovely tea party" in Peterson's ear. As part of the deal, any time a person goes to a restaurant in Indianapolis, Irsay and the Dolts collectively fuck him or her up the ass, forcefully in a manner pretty much like rape until they cough up 2% of the total bill

The Harbaugh Era[edit]

The Dolts' first shot at greatness during the Indianoplace era came with the signing of Jim Harbaugh as their starting quarterback. With Harbaugh at the helm, the Dolts managed to defeat the Atlanta Hawks and Cleveland Indians and reach the AFC finals, only to be defeated by the Pittburgh Penguins, proving that Harbaugh was no different then the long line of other Dolts quarterbacks that equally choked under pressure and couldn't hit the broad side of the barn even if 42 virgins and a bag of coke were on the line.

The Manning Era[edit]

The Dolts did have a few good seasons after Peyton Manning became their quarterback, but his one fault was not being able to win the big game, a reputation he carried from his NCAA career with the Tennessee Bird Walk. This reputation certainly proved true every time the Dolts made the playoffs, especially if their opponent was the New England Cheatriots. Manning's only Stupor Bowl ring came in 2007 against the Chicago Bores who won the anemic NFC by default. Eventually their history-making offensive line (Marvin Harrison, Edgerrin James, Dallas Clark, Reggie Wayne, etc.) got traded as is Jim Irsay's usual practice, leaving no one capable of protecting Manning, and as a result Manning spent the 2011 season recovering from surgery. When he finally did at least seem to at least partly recover, he was released by the Dolts and immediately snapped up by the Denver Broncos.

The Hard Luck Era[edit]

With Manning gone and the Dolts season with him, the Dolts got the first draft pick and used it to snag Andrew Hard Luck. While Hard Luck did show some promise and generally did well in regular-season games (at least those he was healthy enough to play), like Manning he tended to choke in the playoffs, and like Manning he got little or no protection from the Dolts' porous offensive line. After missing the 2017 season and choking in the playoffs as usual in 2018, Hard Luck announced his retirement in the middle of the 2019 preseason. Apparently he had had enough of the injury-rehab-play a few games-get injured again cycle.

The 2019 season[edit]

Hard Luck's replacement, Jacoby Bristletoe, actually showed a bit of promise when he eked out ugly wins in 5 of his first 7 starts despite the Dolts' offense having no clue how to move the ball. But he got injured in a loss to the Pit Bull Steelers, again because the Dolts' offensive line has no idea how to protect a quarterback, and his "replacement" Brian Hoyer promptly blew a home game (and the Dolts' playoff hopes) to the 1-7 Miami Mice high school team, throwing three interceptions and more airballs than completed passes.




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