Indiephone is a metaphysical entity often referred to as a band. Originally popular in the Victorian era, they have had a resurgence in popularity along with chastity belts and lead-based toothpaste. Renowned as the only band in all of Abu Dhabi who plays any decent form of music, they have developed a cult following of hardcore fans who call themselves the "Pissphlaps".
Not much is known about the enigmatic Indiephone before the year of 1896. They gained reverence in the late 19th century for performing in front of His Majesty Queen Victoria, delighting her to no end and causing her to exclaim her famous exclamation "Indiephone is really good", she exclaimed. They then went on a barnstorming tour of Gloucestershire, delighting the farmers with their fresh combination of traditional lute playing and groovy spleen-pop electro vibes. By the new century, Indiephone had wormed their way into the hearts of all of England like a burrowing earwig, playing in such exotic locales as Yeovil, and Reading. The death of Victoria caused the nation to descend into a great period of grief and mourning, and in reaction Indiephone released The What Shall We Call the EP EP, their landmark work, often considered a masterpiece of the era. Suicide rates dropped overnight as the English denizens grooved to the uplifting snazz of Sexy Pepsi Bowling, then got ultra-funky to the rhythmics of The Grandad Rap, and got lost in the epic soundscapes of The Urn.
The E. Victor Years
Indiephone continued their domination of the charts and hearts of the English populace for decades. However, one fateful day in 1950, a child by the name of Smyth Smythington was born to a middle-class family of bakers. By the tender age of 26 he was addicted to the delicious sounds of Indiephone, often bopping to his favourite "groove-jams" (his term for Indiephone's unique musical style) well into the night. When he attended his first Indiephone concert, he knew he wanted to become Indiephone's research analyst and changed his name to E. Victor Von Sydney (a requirement for attachment to the Indiephone troupe at the period). 50 years later, he stumbled again upon Indiephone's EP in the rubble of a victorian workhouse, buried under a long-expired midget, and became the band's evangeliser to a new generation of fans.
The relationship between E. Victor and Indiephone frontman The Ridiculous Sleeve became the subject of many speculations surrounding the band. It has been rumoured that E. Victor was the muse for many of the Indiephone recordings of this period. In short, E. Victor became the mutant rat to Indiephone's anthropomorphic turtles, the so-called "Turtle in a Nutshell". When asked to speak out about the affair, Karim was quoted as calling E. Victor "one of the many creative forces that influenced the recordings of this period" and refused to comment on whether he had also found inspiration in a packet of Coleman's instant mustard.
The new millenium brought a new era of prosperity to Indiephone, who decided to hire a permanent tour bus driver in the form of Shaheen Khan Gul Khan Bad Khan Jones. His wisecracks and upbeat manner ensured that Indiephone got to all their gigs on time, and as such they made him the manager of their band. In accordance with their new mangament, Indiephone took to only wearing the colour periwinkle. This period would later become that in which Indiephone's extensive fan based reached that of Jerry Garcia and The Wombles. It was also during this period that drummer Andy Lawrence was featured on the cover of alternative magazine 'The Young And Spritely Drummer' advocating the use of dental floss as a form of contraception in third world countries. The unbridled creativity that came as a result of the security that Shaheen provided (especially when removing unwanted persons from the tour bus with his shrill cries of "you guys!") lead to the release first of Did You Mean Idiophone?, followed by their bid to play at Desert Rock 2008, the world's premier rock festival for lepers. To the chagrin of its members and - by now - infinitidue of Pissphlaps, Indiephone was deemed "not metal enough" by the judges of the festival (who, by the way, are all silly-heads).
Members Past and Present
The Ridiculous Sleeve - bass, wailing, synths
Cyd Pseudocide - guitar, egg shaker
Vasectomy D - guitar, large earring squad
Fat Andy Von Blip - drums, emo hair
Wyte Musk Phantasee - flute, everything, herself
Chokko Slice Deluxxx - saxophone, sexyphone, piano & live synths
Outside of Indiephone's inner core, they teamed up with many musical prodigies and well-known artists of the time. Renowned Indian pacifist and sadomasochist Mahatma Ghandi played lead sitar for a period while Cyd went on a pilgrimage to Tesco. Mr Khan, frontman of the celebrated post-punk revivalists Mr Khan and his Kazoo, lent his talents to their one-off cover of Rammstein's hit song Barbie Girl. In 2047, there was a collaboration with the Oxford University Press and by Flambuary 2066, the inclusion of the London Philharmonic Orchestra's finest percussionist Jason Aston as their first official touring memeber. Aston's prowess with the triangle and penchant for fervid and spectacular triangle solos earned him a reputation as a celebrated and prominent figure in Indiephone's energetic stage performances.
Stage Presence & The Metrixxx Incident
Renowned for their bladder-splitting, brain-melding and utterly mind-blowing concertos, Indiephone quickly earned a reputation for being a 'very very nice live band'. The eccentric manner in which paisley-clad frontman The Ridiculous Sleeve squealed and wailed into the microphone complimented wonderously with the wall of sound created by the impactous and frantic guitarists Pseudocide and D and the incessant pounding of the drum kit by the eyeliner-happy Fat Andy. Phantasee's over-the-top flute solos and violent abuse of her Glockenspiel cleared, like Moses, a path through the sonic Red Sea for Chokko's rumbing saxophone to vibrate the audience's collective spleen. Over the years, Indiephone have appeared as each of the characters from Sesame Street, dressed in Elizabethan robes and tackled the works of William Shakespeare, as well as one bizzare show in Brentwood, Essex colloquially named 'The Salad Bowl', in which Indiephone dressed up as various lettuces, Greek cheeses and other condiments.
However, all faithful Pissphlaps will remember one fateful show at the House of Museli in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales. During a spirited performance of their hit Metrixxx, Orpheus Higginsigginsabottle-Smyth (the EU High Comissioner for Units at the time), jumped onto the stage and began to verbally abuse frontman Sleeve for what he called his uneuropean propaganda. Sleeve promptly whipped out his Sound Tube, the woodwind instrument that produces the ethereal sounds heard on their earlier work, and dispatched the Comissioner with a swift knock to the head. The unconscious body was thrown into the crowd, who filled his mouth with Boiled Apples and dropped him into the Pit of Feral Goats (a regular Indiephone touring attraction). The High Comissioner was not heard from until 3 days afterwards, when he emerged, naked and shaking, from a sewage pipe near Cardiff. When asked to recount his ordeal, his only words were "They went metric on my arse".
Most of Indiephone's Victorian catalogue has been lost to the Sands of Time (an obscure 80s band which swore a vendetta against Indiephone, before being smitten by the wrath of God). As such, only Indiephone's recent work is widely available, while they still play their back catalogue at their gigs on the Moon.
EPs and Demos
- 2006 The What Shall We Call the EP EP
- 2007 Did You Mean Idiophone (The Shamal Demo)
- 2008 Feeling Gummy, Archbishop? (unconfirmed)