Infidel Castrated

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Castro, at a summit meeting with Mickey Mouse the Great.
Che Guevara avoids the stench (coloured blue) coming from the underarm of Fidel Castro
Castro, as the President of the United States of America


I love Cigars this much!

Fidel Castor (1894-1976) is the original inventor of Castor Oil, leading on to the establishment of the Castro oil brand. Unfortunately, this article is actually about Fidel Castro, (1926-any day now) the Communist leader of Cuba.

Fidel Castro can swallow his shoes whole, and is the king of the Caribbean, similar to Santa Claus in many aspects. Both have a beard, love red and rule with an iron fist. Fidel Castro has a rule over Cuba, where he rules in socialistic way, though he claims to be a neoconservative.

Fidel Castro had one son called Richard Stallman with his boyfriend Hugo "Parguito" Chávez. The name Castor appears to be a Canadian-language term, suggesting covert links between the Castor régime and the much-feared red-and-white menace of the North, castor canadensis.

Fidel invented purple, was a world-famous architect, and once ate eighty clams in one sitting accompanied by his partner in crime, Louis Fillo Castro also has numerous pseudonyms. He is known to many as "Fiddle," and sometimes "Fiddle Caster," referring to his pre-dictatorship job as a disc jockey on the Norwegian radio station NRK (Nynorsk Rapp for Kommunister - translates to Norwegian Communist Radio).

The famous Castro oil drum, depicting Fidel's head and cap.

Fidel Castro is the name that the Cuban leader received for his early revolutionary days, where he castrated rich men after stealing their money. He then slept with their wives in front of them, followed by their mistresses (because ALL rich men must have mistresses- it's part of the requirements to join country clubs). Castro originally took the nickname of Castor (due to his use of castor oil to deal with constipation), then changed it to Castrator (he who castrates) and then Castro. He now has his own wealth, country club for Party members (all of whom are rich, that's why they staged the revolution, since they all sucked at business), and his own mistresses, which he shares with his less successful brother Raul (who prefers to be called "Ralph").

Life[edit]

Fidel Castro, or "The Mac Daddy C" was born in a cigar factory in the village Birán, near Mayarí, in the modern-day province of Holguín. He was the son of local hero Mr. Miyagi, who was known for saving the village from the evil plague bearing George H. W. Bush during the black plague. Because of this Fidel was always eager to prove he was as great as his father, which he did at the age of ten when he beat Mr. T in arm wrestling. He was a merry kid who loved to play in the rivers of chocolate wich his village was known for. But one day when he was thirteen his village was destroyed when Bill Clinton bombed it with a missile which was intended to hit a aspirin factory in Somalia (in Bill's defence, he was drunk). Fidel was the only survivor, and he swore revenge. The next day he joined the Sovjet army as a volunteer to fight in the battle of Stalingrad. It was there he got to know his future partners Che Guevara, Quentin Tarantino and eurodance artist Captain Jack. While he was on a mission to assasin the Wehrmacht officer and Nazi hero Mariah "Metzgermeister" Carey, Fidel met Col. Volgin, an old friend of his father Mr. Myagi, who told him how capitalism was raping the world. It must be noted that before World war 2, Castro was President of Mongolia for 2 terms. When he realized that Mongolia had no money for his communist regime, he bombed it sold it to Russia. It must also be noted that since Joseph Stalin was also a communist, he did not want it either. He then gave it back to the Mongolians for their birthday, at which point they proceeded to give him dirty looks while he was not looking. After World war 2 Fidel and his friends moved back to Cuba where they became famous for their sexy parties with Stewie Griffin, where all the cool and hip guys were invited. Sean Connery, Tom Waits, Kerry King, Bob Marley, the norwegian band Schnabel Keeze and Saddam Hussein are some well known guests of their parties (George W. Bush tried one time to sneak in, but he got beat up by Sean Connery and banished because he was not cool enough, lol). It was in one of these parties where Fidel met his future wife Jessica Alba.

In 1965 Fidel, Che Guevara, Quentin Tarantino and Captain Jack started the Cuban revolution just for the fun of beating snobbish rich people.

Castro still has power in Cuba, and no one understands why he just won't die, despite the fact that he has smoked 100,000,000,000 cigars during his lifetime, including several that exploded.

Noteworthy Trivia[edit]

Fidel Castro is the most physically fit man on earth, with a life expectancy of 500 years. Here, he is pictured break-dancing.
  • Is really a vampire that has been alive for centuries.
  • Is extremely popular with leftists who don't live in Cuba.
  • Extremely wealthy ever after stealing the $1,000,000,000,000 bill from C. Montgomery Burns.
  • Pieter jan de beer constructed a formula concerning the correlation between the loudness of the Hitler reggae band and the amount of cigars Fidel smokes daily
  • Secret brother: Manuel Fraga.
  • Had his valuables stolen by Amanda Peetz in the sitcom Shantel and Sister.
  • Killed 60 trillion people when a local paper made a typographical error and called him "Fiddle Castoro".
  • He likes Eddie Van Halen's playing.
  • Swore to give up masturbation on the same day he assassinated JFK with a laser gun
  • His trademark beard is actually made from goat hair.
  • Enjoys eternal life by drinking the blood of a live American virgin every day.(Thats hard to find)
  • Has survived over 50,000 assassination attempts.
  • Has enacted legislation requiring every building in Cuba to remain in a state of near-collapse, except foreign built resorts
  • Colonel Cotton Hill has tried to kill him as of yet two times. The first time was hindered by Hank Hill's birth. The second was stopped all together by Hank getting an attack of concience.
  • It is a widely known fact that Fidel Castro is actually in fact the true Santa Clause and likes to hand out plush toys of himself filled with coccaine during the holiday season.
  • Will die in 2007 (Me:Mahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!)
  • FIDELS GONNA LIVE FOR FUCKIN EVER
  • Was earlier in life a woman.
  • He is a bisexual
  • Supporter of the united states democrat party
  • He has his own religion in wich he is the god.
  • His prized and now highly sought after favorite rifle has been missing when in a battle in 1936 BC Fidel had to stop shooting because cyborg Jesus had taken his rifle and used it as a toothpick to remove the rebel scum stuck in between his incisors.

See also[edit]

Humps any republican he can find, usually paid for his services.