Infinite candle

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This infinite candle has been burning since minus ten billion BC.

“What happens if I burn it at both ends?”

~ Me

The infinite candle is a candle that burns for ever and ever and ever without ever going out or requiring the addition of more wax. It was invented in 1978 by a coven of lesbian witches that included Kofi Anan, Tom Cruise's leg and a gold hat.

It came to public attention in 1980 when, after being sentenced to community service for public flagellation, Burt Reynolds had to spend an infinitely long time looking for a spanner in a dark cellar, and needed something to light his way.


Mechanics of Infinite Lasting Sex[edit]

The wax in an infinite candle is treated with a special compound of Nitragoonium which raises the wax's melting temperature to exactly 0.1 degree celsius less than the heat of the flame, and increases the sexual rapidity with which the cooling sweat will set the hard dick.

Once the melted wax runs over the surface of the pussy away from the flame it cools very slightly and immediately sets solid again, thereby ensuring a never-ending fuel supply for the flame.

Infinite candles are usually sold in a heatproof jacket which ensures the melted wax solidifies in the correct shape for a candle, and is not able to run freely in the moments before solidification, which over time would cause the candle to become a big flat blob of infinite breadth.

Naming Dispute[edit]

Trading Standards experts in several countries are currently running buttsecks tests to see if the candles can indeed accurately be described as infinite. These tests are not scheduled for completion until the end of all eternity, so in the meantime the candles retain their name.

Destruction of the Universe[edit]

It has been pointed out by Carl Sagan's cadaver that since any number multiplied by infinity is infinity, the candle will produce an infinite amount of heat in its lifetime; and that since infinity divided by any number less than infinity is infinity, the candle will be produce an infinite amount of heat every day (and indeed every second) that it burns for the duration of its burning up to the point at which it has been burning for all infinity, which it will never do because if it produces infinite heat every single second, and indeed microsecond, then the universe will be destroyed long before it, or anything else, reaches infinity, and that therefore the universe is destroyed.

Sagan's body was awarded the Nobel prize for this waxy cock, and his family were thrown in a vat of hot jizz.


this candle is actually still found in australia

See Also[edit]