User:Acrolo/Injury

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PIECE OF CRAP WARNING! This page is a piece of crap. The author(s) acknowledge this.

Be careful! You may be injured after reading this article.

“Put anthrax on the tampax and slap you till you can't stand.”

~ Eminem on Injury

“I like it when the red water comes out.”

~ Saladfingers (4) on Injury

“Injuries hurt.”

~ Captain Obvious on Injury

“That shit looks infected”

~ Oscar Wilde on Injury

“OUCH! FUCK!”

~ Everyone on Injury

Hey ouch! Ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch!

Contents 1 What is an injury? 2 Causes of Injury 2.1 Platypus 2.2 Weight Loss 2.3 Mosquitoes 2.4 Breathing 2.5 Hello Kitty 2.6 Some Guy 2.7 That guy 2.8 No 2.9 This Guy 2.10 Leaping Lesbian Lizards 2.11 Paper 2.12 Westlife CD's 3 Injury is not caused by 3.1 Aliens 3.2 Cloroflourocarbons 3.3 Deforestation 3.4 Nobody 3.5 Lawyers 3.6 Weed Smokers 4 Methods for Healing injuries 5 Related Links

[edit] What is an injury?

An injury occurs when the body or a part of the body, like the aorta, is damaged by something outside of the body for example: God, when he is angry and about to strike you with lightning. Injuries, are feared by many people because they are known to strike very suddenly and abruptly and can sometimes be reffered to as an event that can happen between now and then, then being the reaction caused by the now like when Jenny tried to get the toast out of the toaster with a fork and got electrocuted, causing her to buy thinner slices of bread now. Injuries are usually invisible in appearance before they strike making them very unexpected generally and only make themselves visible when its too late, but some people have figured out ways to predict when injuries are about to happen, by using sharp objects, or appearing on the Jackass movies. This study is usually conducted by emo's, masochists, Emo-Masochists, Emo-Sadistic-Masochists, and Lindsay Lohan who discovered that injuries may also look cool on arms, wrists, legs, heads, backs, stomachs and shins as apposed to tattoos and braceletts. Injuries come in all shapes and sizes, but some standard injuries include, bullet wounds (round), stab wounds (Triangular) and the most common of all, Herpes (rectangular, sometimes hexagonal or even balloon shaped at times.

[edit] Causes of Injury

Many things cause injury on a daily basis and most of these causes involve people being dumb ignorant and unobservant idiots, but, we cannot always rely on psychics telling us that we are gonna die soon in order to confirm that injury will take place, therefore it is good to know what the highest threats for injury are. These threats are listed below:

[edit] Platypus

The platypus is one of the dealiest specimen of mammalreptilefalconiformes oweing to its ability to change shape and form in such a way that it confuses the shit out of everyone. When it attacks, it secretes a liquid known as "duck-otter-cooties" which is usually green and slimy and causes constipation when absorbed through the skin. People often ask the question, "Well why not stay away from platypuss's then?" But this question was answered in an eye test on a 14 year old boy, using a photograph of a platypus, when he said "Thats a duck sir, no sorry its a hedgehog, no wait thats an otter?"

[edit] Weight Loss

We asked Oprah about weight loss being a big cause of injuries across the world and she said, "Indeed, i will never forget my injury involving the hand-pulled wagon full of meat which came out of my body and which i thought could feed all the hungry African children. It turned out that the children needed toys more urgently and i realize that now, thats why i have placed "O" dolls under all school chairs throughout Africa, all that they need to do now is look under their chairs. I also understand now that part of my decision which got me injured involved my fans and viewers, because i wanted to be thinner in order to be able to fit onto all the television screens throughout the world, even the small black and white security ones . I make sure now to always consult DR Oz before making any decisions whatsoever, that way i can ensure that my shit stays rose petal shaped forever."

[edit] Mosquitoes

Mosquitoes, also known as mozzies, bugs, irritating little shits, and buzzkillers cause serious injuries such as insomnia, irritability and suffocation. Mosquitoes have the ability to change in size at will, depending on how hungry they are, and have a very cruel and sadistic nature when it comes to harming people. Their primary means of attack is called sonic boom, and they will use this to send soundwaves through a victims' ears and into their brain causing them to go into a phsychotic state of mind similar to being on cat, where the victim becomes temporarily insane to the extent that they suffocate themselves with a pillow or blanket in order to try and rid themselves of the sonic waves.

[edit] Breathing

Since breathing is one of the most difficult and oldest forms of martial arts, it causes at least 45% of all injuries pertaining to Mr Miagi's globally. Breathing can cause severe injuries such as hyperventilation, lung cancer and athsma. To avoid these unexpected injuries it is best to drink jack daniels out of a paper bag or, hold your breath... keep it there... keep it... Stay like that... be right back!

[edit] Hello Kitty

Some say she is the highest cause of injury globally:

“She made me pick up my intestines off the floor and put them back myself, before making me sew myself back together and replacing my eye with an artichoke.”

~ Japanese man on Hello kitty

[edit] Some Guy

Who the fuck was that!

[edit] That guy

Now youre gonna get it.

[edit] No

My bad

[edit] This Guy

Come here you little shit!

[edit] Leaping Lesbian Lizards

Leaping lesbian lizards will rip your arm off if you try to steal their dyke. They also get angry if you dont call them by their preffered name, "Blizzard" (Butch Lizzard).

[edit] Paper

Ever heard of the term "Paper Cut?" that is because paper can and will cut things for the sheer pleasure of it. Paper which is left unattended has the ability to climb into drawers and steal knives before seeking out a victim and cutting that victim, causing severe bleeding. Victims who suffer a paper cut are known as procrastinators because the severe permanent damage caused by the paper causes a big delay in productivity.

[edit] Westlife CD's

Westlife was a metal/goth/grunge/death/ band formed by vampires in the early 1900's. The name was created to direct new vampires who were recently bitten to head west where they would live their immortal lives. Of course with so many vampires in one place, it became difficult to feed as the vampire population grew and the living population faltered. To the north, south and east of the vampires people had invented bat traps made of giant garlic balloons and nets in order to prevent these vampires from going near them, this lead 4 head vampires to start a band in order to lure people to their side through their music. Subliminal messages caused hundreds of people flock to the west side after being brainwashed and one by one they got bitten and injured by vampires. Since then Wesley Snipes has managed to kill all vampires including himself causing vampiric extintion, however whenever a Westlife CD is listened to, it still causes bleeding of the ears and sometimes leads to strokes.

[edit] Injury is not caused by

[edit] Aliens

Aliens come in peace.

[edit] Cloroflourocarbons

The ozone layer ensures that all the shit that comes out of your fridge and your toilet spray leaves this planet and goes and screws up some other planets by creating holes and tunnels for them to leave through, thus making them harmless.

[edit] Deforestation

You might argue that deforestation is the cause of paper and therefore plays a huge role in injury since paper is so lethal, however toiletpaper, pokemon cards and skeletor figurines are made in the same way and are all harmless, therefore ruling out the possibility that the absolute destruction and fucking up of the forests has anything to do with injury to humans.

[edit] Nobody

Only somebody will injure you, never nobody because nobody is harmless.

[edit] Lawyers

Lawyers use words to piss people off and are usually the victims, so therefore they cannot cause injury.

[edit] Weed Smokers

Pot heads and hippies are at peace with everyone.

[edit] Methods for Healing injuries

Injuries are not permanent but criminal records, scars and your face which are the result of injuries are permanent, therefore people need to do what they can to speed up the process or else die even slower.

Some of these methods include:

• Getting Clint Eastwood to rip off a sleeve to tie around your gangrenous, wounded leg.
• Taking Loooooots of Drugs.
• Lie in hospital and wait.
• Take more pills
  

  

  The recommended thing to do in cases of scarring.

• Drink more alcohol, you got the injury while drunk anyway.
• Shoot your arm to forget about the pain in your leg.
• Cry.
• Laugh insanely and then cry.
• Get someone to suck the poison out.
• Apply sugar, soap, and vinegar to it.
• Tattoo over the scar.
• Get the tattoo removed by laser.
• Get a new tattoo saying thug life.
• Meditation.
• Therapy.
• Stick straws into the injured persons throat to create a passageway for water.
• Surgically remove the amygdalas in the brain which generate emotion.
• Take it like a man.

[edit] Related Links

• Pain
• Death
• Bitch
• That
• Hurt
• Like
• Fuck
• Some Guy
• That Guy
• No
• This Guy