Spanish Inquisition

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“NOBODY expects it!”

~ Captain Obvious on The Spanish Inquisition

“In Soviet Russia, the Spanish Inquisition expects nobody!”

~ Russian Reversal on The Spanish Inquisition

“There are only two types of Spanish Inquisitions, the first is where brutes in red robes unexpectedly force you to perform unmentionable acts under the pain of death, and the other happened sometime in the late middle ages but since it was in Europe no one really cares, while the third one was when a group of French bureaucrats... THREE! Three Spanish Inquisitions... The first...”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Spanish Inquisition

“What did you expect?”

~ The Spanish Inquisition's theme song by Archers of Loaf

In history, the Spanish Inquisition was an investigation by the government of the Kingdom of Spain, intended to discover The Answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything. At the time, it was considered to be a scientific breakthrough without parallel. However, it was not long until it became apparent worldwide that nobody had any idea what the question

[edit] Methodology

The Spanish Inquisition was not something that was taken lightly like your mom and sister. King Carlos gave his secret service the authority to seize "any and all persons" who they thought might know the answer. Agents would generally barge into homes, offices, factories, and the like, without any warning, and arrest people deemed to possess "an unhealthy knowledge" of Life, the Universe, and/or Everything. They were not hesitant to torture those who tried to resist or who claimed to not know anything.

[edit] Forms of Torture

At the time of the Spanish Inquisition, the Spanish secret service was notorious for their arbitrary use of torture upon innocent civilians. Some of the torture devices employed are as follows:

• The Rack - The victim would be repeatedly shown images of breasts at 12,000 boobs per second causin the victims eyes to claw themselves down into the testes.
• The Soft Cushions - Already heavily feared pain implements,^{[yeah, right]} agents would force all the stuffing to one end of the cushions, reaching heightened effectiveness.
• The Comfy Chair - Perhaps the most dreaded of all was the comfy chair, in which a victim would be forced to sit until lunchtime with only a cup of coffee at 11:00.
• The Musical Act - The victim would be forced to watch a performance by the agents (composed by your Mom and Micheal Jackson), causing burning of the the eyes, rape of the ears, and an annoying song that stayed in your head for hours.

[edit] Weaponry

[edit] Their Chief Weapon

The chief weapon of agents of the Spanish secret service during the Spanish Inquisition was surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... fear. Fear and surprise...
Never mind, skip this section.

At the time of the Spanish Inquisition, the Spanish secret service donned nice red uniforms.

[edit] Their Two Weapons

Their two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency....
Never mind, skip this section.

[edit] Their Three Weapons

Their three weapons were fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope....
Never mind, skip this section.

[edit] Their Four Weapons

Their FOUR...no... Amongst their weapons.... Amongst their weaponry...are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless effeicentcy and an almost fanatical dsevotion to the pope, and a nice red uniform...ohhh!
One more time...

[edit] Examples of Their Various Weapons

Amongst their weaponry were such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms.

[edit] Sex Scandal

In the final stages of the Inquisition, there was a great public outcry when it was revealed that some corrupt secret service agents abused their authority. The most prominent example was when agent Oscar Wilde (not to be confused with the Anglo-English poet or the Internet meme) confessed to having arrested, tortured young boys who had no relevance to the Inquisition itself. After that, he would force his victim to engage in mutual fellatio with him. He is quoted to have said, "Sure, the search for 42 is all good and fine, but I think I like 69 a little more. Know what I mean, squire? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!"

[edit] Implications

The fact that this could happen is, according to historians, proof that nobody cares about Europe. It's not like it really matters, though. More importantly, it shows that King Carlos had huge cajones.

[edit] Leader

It is a very prominent fact that Satan's Ballsack, or RYAN RUSSIANS MOMMA led the Spanish Inquistion. Of course, if you asked him now, he'd deny it. Cause he's a dipshit.

[edit] Related Incidences

The Spanish Inquisition was only the first of a series of unfortunate European events. Some examples of other reigns of terror include:

• The French Provincial
• The German Measles
• The Italian Sonnet
• The Swedish Massage
• The Cheese Danish
• The Latin Language
• The Dutch Treat
• The Swiss Cheese

[edit] See also

• Spanish Inquisition (TV show)
• Nobody expects this article
• Nobody expects this guy, either
• Kansas Board of Education
• This template:

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!