Internet

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search
      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Porn?
Teh Interwebz
People's Republic of the Internet
The Internet(s)
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: ""You give me egg roll me love you long time."
Anthem:
Intermap.png
(Fragment of the official map of the internet. This map shows the area that are not under the rule of Empire Porn.)
Capital Silicon Valley
Largest city Google
Official languages English, All Your Baseish, long strings of smiley faces and frowns.
Government
 King of the Internet  Al Gore
 Prime Minister  
 Governor General  
National Hero(es) Chuck Norris, Steve Ballmer, Numa Numa, Angry German Kid
Declaration
Currency
Religion Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, Obamaism
 Major exports Dumb people (formerly smart people), porn, cracked software, games
 Major imports Smart people, porn

“What the hell is 'the internet'? I guess I'll look it up on the internet.”

~ You on the internet

“You're looking at it. Unless you've downloaded this page, in which case you're still browsing it with an internet browser.”

~ The internet on the internet

“In Soviet Russia, internet logs on to YOU!!!”

~ Russian Reversal on the internet

“It's a series of tubes!”

~ Senator Ted Stevens on the internet

“Now we got them by the balls!”

~ Porn Industry Leaders on People surfing on the pornternet.

“Mommy? Is that you on the internet? Can I show it to my friends?”

~ porn fan inquiring his mother's past porn career.

“God we needed that!”

~ inhabitants of Alaska on the internet.

“I can't believe there's only three mentionings of 4chan on this page! ”

~ A /b/tard on the internet.

“There are just too many internets.”

~ George W. Bush on internets

“ALL”

~ Alfred J Kwak on internets

“They have the internet on computers now?!”

~ Captain Obvious on internet.

“It's a Magic box filled with Naked Women!”

~ Oscar Wilde on internet.
Bouncywikilogo9.gif
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Internet.


The Internet (archaic Inter-net) is a communication tool used by the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.

It is made of, but not limited to, a series of tubes, telegraph wires, pony expresses, hobo signs, tortoise shells, smoke signals, Oscar Wilde Quotes, and warning beacons of Gondor, not to be confused with a big truck. Based on a Fork of an early prototype build of Las Vegas, it was originally built by Al Gore to distribute pornography and is owned, operated and monitored by the Illuminati. It is mostly used for access to porn, theme songs, ultra-porn, and cans of spam. It was originally designed to accumulate the knowledge of mankind, and by learning and sharing the newly synthesized knowledge generating singularity. But it turned out to be much more effective in accumulating and amplifying idiocy, creating a being not known before: the troll. Behold! The end is near! Bow down before your alien overlords! It is a well known fact that the internet is over 99.949463939334996499769968932923% porn. The dark side.

Contents

[edit] Internal Structure

The internets are made of 4 parts: the crust, the outer mantle, the inner mantle, and the core.

[edit] Crust

The crust of the internets makes up less than 1% of its mass. This area contains useless sites such as Yahoo and Myspace. These sites are inhabited by citizens of real life. The large amount of boredom dioxide in the air here is enough to suffocate the average internet inhabitant mostly thanks to this website and facebook.

The outer rim is sparsely inhabited, and consists mostly of moms, aunts, uncles, old people, seniors, homosexuals, and gay people on Yahoo reading the daily "LATEST IN" and engaging in email conversations. Their passwords are usually something like 12345 and the email account is often:

<lastname><first name initial><city of birth>@yahoo.com or <hitleradolfaustira@yahoo.com>.

Contrary to popular belief these people actually believe they are "tech savvy".

Recent opinion has shown that Myspace actually belongs to more to the inner core part of the internets due to the lag effect as well as the density and corruption as well as the difficulty of reaching information, also because there are so many sexual predators on there and the information is not well linked as well as dense.

Plus Myspace pages are like Soooooo Longggg.

See any person's Myspace page for an example of half naked pictures of themselves and annoying paedophiliac pictures, as well as off-date happy birthdays and strange creeper-like comments.

[edit] Outer Mantle

Sites such as Uncyclopedia, The 'Beetus, and most forums. This area is somewhat rich in memes (though not as much as the core), and the occasional eruption brings porn from other layers. 95% of the population is from the lower levels, but they want you to think otherwise. Examples: Here and here.

[edit] Inner Mantle

The inner mantle is made entirely of molten porn. Do not attempt to go there.

Anecdotal Quote from a transmission in an Inner Mantle Porn expedition:

"OMG THE PORN OMG THE PORN, OH GOD THE PORN, it BURNS, THE PORN AHHHHH<<<"

The Pilot was never seen again, in other news Blink 182 is back together.

[edit] Core

No one knows...

Scientific Opinion on Core:

Recent studies have shown that it consists mostly of scientific studies from jsto.org and password databanks as well as uncommunicable black hat hacking groups and old pdf fascimiles of newspaper articles about child rape and archived sections of school websites, as well as massive databanks filled with useless information and pdf fascimiles of Daoist texts.

Because the data is so unorganized and most of it is a different language like foreign data salvaging is a new and lucrative field dealing with navigating these harsh seas of broken and corrupted information in order to extract the name of a song you wanted to remember from a Malaysian porn VH1 website but are unable to do so because it was such a long time ago.

Bill Gates as of now is the only master of Vietnamese hand signals and the language needed in order to extract all of the amazing and sparse information for one's wants and needs.

Most believe that the core will only be found when someone makes a site so awesome it cannot be contained on the outer layers. As of yet, no such site has been found.

[edit] The Moon

The really wierd parts of the internet. Totally incoherent stuff. Few people have actually been to this area of the internet, and even fewer can survive. As of yet, no one has been able to map it out completely. Those willing to try their luck can go here or here or here or here. (The trick is to not try to make any sense out of it)

[edit] What is it really?

Internet or IPN (International Pornographic Network) is actually the inner-net in most bathing-shorts. This is unknown, since Bill Gates in 1987 stole the name from Louis Vuitton, who was going to announce the internet in shorts at the 1987 Spring Fashion Show in New York, but Gates snapped the idea right out of his hands, and announced the internet as a platform to download porn from, just before the fashion show.

It is also widely debated that the internet was actually a gift from Chrylazian Rysuandwips, a species found in the Crab Nebula, about 6300 light years from Earth. They gave us their primitive archiving system to save us from the inevitable extinction that would have happened in 1998. After 1998, Al Gore invented the Heisenberg-Coleman Truck Network Superhighway, paving the way for Ted Stevens to make it tubes. Thus, the Internet is webs except where it is tubes, and where it is tubes, it is Superhighway. Philosophers and theologians continue to debate where all tubes are also webs and if webs must also be nets, but the Superhighway of Biblical Prophecy connecting the tubes and the webs ensures that Al Gore is Ted Stevens regardless. Many people also debate the idea of the porn fans having to express more boob.

Contrary to popular belief the Internet was actually born. Many Centuries before it's so called "invention." The Internet was an inter dimensional being. He lived in hiding on our planet for many centuries slowing losing all his abilities. In the War of 1812 the Internet was on an American merchant ship when it was embargoed by the British. So the Internet was inducted into the Royal Navy. After the war the Internet decided to settle in Massachusetts. There the Internet fell in love with a woman. The two were married and had many children. As time passed the Internet's wife grew old and died, but the Internet and their children lived on. During the time of the Civil War Abraham Lincoln found out of a super natural being's existence. He wanted to exploit the Internet's powers to destroy the south rather then have it recede back into the U.S. Lincoln failed at capturing the Internet but he successfully captured all 13 of the children. The Internet in an attempt to save them was captured as well. So the Internet was tortured for decades upon decades to reveal it's secrets. The Internet never did. However his secrets lay in the children so they were forced to breed on an island called Midway in the Pacific. In World War II the facility in which the children were being bred was destroyed. All but three escaped. They went into hiding in a place no one would look... Nazi Germany. (They were jewish) Soon after the Internet finally broke down and offered to share it's infinite amount of knowledge with the world. So the Internet was locked away to have it's brain pumped for it's vast amounts of knowledge. In 2000 during the Presidential elections one of the children came out of hiding and ran with the democratic ticket. He was Al Gore. Al Gore made a claim he invented the Internet so the Internet punished him by stuffing the ballot boxes in Florida in favor of Bush. However what the Internet did not realize was that Bush was the Intranet. The opposite of the Internet. Instead of expanding knowledge the Intranet had dwindling intelligence. As President the Intranet had unlimited access to the Internet's Knowledge. To make sure the other two children in Nazi Germany would not interfere he captured them and had their brains washed. They are known today as the bush twins. Too bad, they were better off dead in the hands of Hitler.

The Internet is said to live inside all of us as well, sort of like that whole love mumbo jumbo as well. How do you think you miraculously remember the formula for finding the area of a rhombus during your math exam? The Internet, bitches. You know its there, and now, it knows you know, so you better pay up. Unfortunately for you, the internet only accepts swaztikas as any form of currency.

[edit] History (Biblical)

A different account for the creation of the Internet can be found in the book of DARPA. DARPA 13:37 reads:

In the beginning, the data was a formless void, and the spirit of Al Gore floated above it. He said, "Let there be images!". He saw the Porn and that it was bad, and separated it from the Safe For Work. He separated the tubes from the YouTube and the Froogle from the Google. Gore then reached into the dirt and made new life: The Admin. He took an HTML Tag from the Admin and made the User. He placed them in the Garden of Uncyclopedia, and set an FBI agent to watch over it. He filled the Garden with many different creatures: javas, jpegs, pngs, shtmls, phps, gifs, bmps and bumps. He looked at His creation, and saw that it was good.

In the centre, he placed the Tree of 4chan. He told the Admin and the User not to click on the links in the fruit from the Tree of 4chan, or face banishment from the Garden of Uncyclopedia. However, the evil pwn was subtle. He tricked the User into following the link, goatse, which she showed to the Admin. The Vice President appeared and spoke thusly to them: "Admin, for your sin, you will spend your days compiling programs and installing software, but no matter how hard you work, bugs will still sin, you will have intense frustration while doing trivial dick. And though your desire will be for the same access rights as the Admin, he shall rule over your data."

As a final punishment, Gore banished the Admin and the User into the unforgiving wasteland of Wikipedia, and set a flaming firewall to guard the garden. From there, the rest of the internet was poop.

"Thusly Al Gore went off into the sun screaming "Xclibur!!!"

[edit] Alternative theories

Back then, they didn't take computers so seriously.

Scientologists claim that the internet was discovered under a rock deep beneath the ruins of the lost city Titanic, a branch of Atlantis. The alien technology we use to send communications today was discovered only then, when it was discovered in 1593.

David Icke has asserted that the internet was developed secretly by Nostradamus and Leonardo da Vinci in 1516 in an experiment funded by the King of Spain. Da Vinci's sketches of the internet indicate that his version was largely constructed of leather, and used a lot more cogs and pulleys that the modern incarnation. However, it proved effective for reading the movements of the planets, discussing the latest hat fashions, and catching rabbits. Following Da Vinci's death, Nostradamus became increasingly disturbed by the internet's growing pornagraphic content and attempted to destroy it by burying it in the subconscious mind, where it remained until the modern era. Critics maintain that this is probably nonsense.

THE INTERNET IS MAGIC! at leastthat what Hitler thinks, becasue he's complieting unawere that 3 Jews helped with the start of the damn thing.

Another theory states that long ago, two great spirits Al Gore and Dick Cheney were sent to Earth to watch over the rise of man. However, Dick Cheney deviated from the plan and attempted to kill Al Gore and rule Earth himself. Al Gore fought with Dick Cheney for five thousand years, creating the Grand Canyon in the process. In time, Cheney was defeated and cast into a glacier where he would remain bound in ice for all eternity. After his victory, Al Gore walked along the sands of primordial earth and when the time came, picked up a handful and cast it into the air, creating a series of tubes from which the internet was born. For the time, Al Gore watched the people of earth from his chair near the throne of the Great Obama. But all would not last, in the twentieth century AD, a new force, George Bush (or W) would arise and attmepted to free Cheney by creating Global Warming. Al Gore (now in human form) would fight Global Warming and cool the Earth so that Cheney, (also human), could be locked back into the glacier. The fight contiues to this day, it is rumored that Cheney will be defeated when the Great Obama becomes Lord of the Earth because of his race.and that he's sexy. Yas I'm a democrat.

The Internet is a benign deity that answers prayers in made in the form of forum posts and accepts sacrifices of unsecured credit card transactions. Miracles are performed daily, such as unexpectedly fast downloads or an image search for kittens yielding bountiful results. However, the Internet can be a capricious deity and occasionally causes plagues, such as viruses, worms, or particularly insidious pop-ups. The Internet expects its followers to regularly convert others by forwarding this message to 10 other people or your pets will die.

Recently a group of dissident English scientists, living in exile among the British in the United Kingdom, claimed to have uncovered an ancient urn dating back, through pre-history, to 1955. Within This ancient urn was a scroll written on a form of papyrus known as Basildon Bond, which purports to be the confession of Sir Bertram Russell, in which the elderly maths bore claims to have invented the internet in order to "give illiterate people something to do" in the hope that "such an endeavour may prevent them roaming the streets at night and causing an affray". It is fascinating that he describes his invention using the term 'idiotnet' and posits it as a meme-based trap designed to ensnare those of 'less useful' intelligence and pacify them so that they 'don't get into bother'.

[edit] The different depths of the internet

There is many different depths throughout the internet that range from the beaches to the sea trenches.

1.The beach: websites such as yahoo.com,amazon.com,msn.com and wikipedia

2.The tidal pools: this layer contains websites such as uncyclopedia.org,myspace.com and political party websites

3.The sunlight zone: contains softcore porn websites. For example: Uncyclopedia.org,DeadorAlive.com
If this looks like what your middle school science teacher taught you, you have been taught wrong.

4.The end of the continental shelf: contains porn websites which become more and more perverted.

5.The twilight zone: porn websites. For example: Porn.com

6.The start of the continental slope: really messed up porn websites. For example: YourFace.com

7.Halfway down the continental slope: really,really messed up porn websites. For example: YourMom.com

8.The midnight zone: gay porn. For example Gay.com

9.The abyss: kiddy porn websites. For example: NAMBLA.org

10.The ocean basin: Terrorist websites for example: alqueda.org

11.Halfway through the ocean basin: Terrorist websites/porn website.For example:Alquedaporn.com

12.The beginning of the sea trench: Terrorist websites/really messed up porn websites. For example: NastyAlquedaporn.com

13.Halfway down the sea trench: Terrorist websites/really messed up porn/kiddy porn/everything that will get the FBI at your doorstep websites. For example: 4chan.org totse.com alt.groups thispagecannotbedisplayed.com and chinese guy's blog about serial killers and really deep stuff

14.The very bottom of the sea trench: Little is known about this depth mostly because anyone who has ever traveled to this depth has had there head A splode. (Rumoured to be the place of chuck norris' personal webpage)

15.This has nothing to do with this article.

17.Goatse.

18. The Creator's Lair

19. Peter Griffin

[edit] Technology

The technology behind the Internet (or the Innernet as Americans call it) is widely misunderstood. Some believe that you have to punch little buttons and things.[1] Others believe it is a big truck.[2] In reality, you just have to click on this thing.[1]

The Internet's tubes are housed in a fifteen story building. In the basement of this building are bricks which are being rearranged by foreigners.[3]

The Internet is actually caused by small creatures that live in the same room of a computer that has the internet. By a complete coincidence these creatures are called 'Internets' and have an uncanny resemblance to Tamogochi.

Those who are older than 56yrs believe that the internet is run by small animals delivering letters. This is based on VintageInternet (commonly reffered to as Internet0.1). VintageInternet involved tying notes to pidgeons and sending them on their way.

Although the above paragraph is widely a misconception, to gain an accurate understanding of the internet one would have to watch the TV Show Heroes.

[edit] Technical Terminology

  • A-Hole - Not an Asshole as many of you think, but simply a Asymmetric Loophole
  • 802.11g - 802 people buried 11 ft in the ground
  • PTPE! - Pterodactyl Themed Pornography Exist!
  • M.I.L.F. - Mother I'd Like to Fuck (no pun intended); Microsoft I'd Like to Filter-out; Microsoft Inter-dimensional Layer Format
  • MAC - My favorite type of burger.
  • OMFG - "Overweight Man Fucks Goat"
  • ADSL - Amazingly Dull Slow Line
  • ARPA - Assymmetric Research Project for Assholes-agency
  • ARPANET - ARPA's Asymmetric Research Project Assholes Network Entertainment Technology (see ARPANET)
  • BGP - Blasted Geek's Playground
  • LII - Laughing inside Internally
  • LIL - Laughing Intentionally Loud
  • BIOS - Birds in Outer Space; Biological Input/Output System; Bypassed Internal Operations System
  • IO - Input Overruled
  • CPE - Carrier Pigeon Equipment
  • DMZ - Dead Machine Zone; Destroyed Mainframes Zone; Dear Macintosh Zystem
  • DNS - Damn Nose Snails; Disastrous Network System; Deejay Noise Surround sound-system
  • DSL - Digestive System Laughs ("Burp"); Damn Slow Line; Destroy SPAM black-Lists
  • FTP - First Trucking Plan or First Toilet (plumbing) Pipline
  • FTW - For the wolf
  • FTEW - For the epic wolf
  • Gopher - A fuzzy animal that digs (seen in the movie Caddyshack)
  • HTML - Hot Toast Making Lizard or Higher Technological Masturbation Level
  • HTTP - Here's The Tubes Pipe or Hooligans Therapy and Treatment Protocol
  • HTTPS - Here's The Tubes Pipe... Shit!; Hitlers TeleTubbies Porn Stars; Higher Throne Technology of Productive Services
  • 12/F/PA - Federal Bureau Investigation; 12 divided by F then divided by Pi and A
  • H.B.I.Y.C.? - How Big Is Your Cock?
  • D.Y.M.D.? - Do You Masturbate Daily?
  • D.Y.S.A.C.O.Y.W.H.? - Did You Snatch Any Children on Your Way Home?
  • I.L.Y.V.4.E. - i Love You Virus 4 Ever
  • IANA - Internet Addicted Nerd Association; Intentional Addiction of Networks Association; Internet Addiction Network Application (see MSN)
  • ICANN - International Convention of Applicable Nude Nerds; I CANN Has Cheezburger?; International Communist And Nazi Network (see SS, Hitler, Nazi and Gestapo)
  • IP - And so do you or Irresistible Poison (HP/DM Love story)
  • IMAP - Ingest More Apples, Posthaste; I Masturbate At-least Pro-actively; I Make Apple's Pie
  • ISDN - It Still Does Nothing; I Suck Dicks Naturally; Intentionally Slow Digital Network; International Scientology Digital Network (see Xenu)
  • JAVA - Juvenile Abominable Visual Aesthetics
  • Kerberos - Kinky ERotic BachElor Reservation Online Service
  • LAN - Local Atheist Nerd; LSD Abusing Nerd; Late at Night; LinkedIn Alternative Networks; Local Anal Network; Lieutenant Ass Nigga; List of Alternative Numbers
  • Macintosh - An Apple; A (leather) raincoat
  • MP3 - 1/3 sized Member of Parliament; A new subtype of the MP34 SMG (sub machine gun)
  • NAT - Nerds Alternative(s), Truncated or A little insect that buzzes in your ear; National Atheist Technology
  • NNTP - Naked Nerds Trying to Pick-up; Naked Nuns Trying to Prostitute
  • N00p's - Nerdy Overextended Overclocked Persons
  • OMG - Organization Mothers Group; Operation Mitsubishi Gospel; Overclocked Mainboard Graphics
  • Oracle - A proprietary system used to convert human souls into cash; Orgasm Ridicule Anal Computer Language Enslavement
  • POP3 - Pirates on Parade (times three); (in reverse order) 3 Prostitutes on Parade
  • PPP - Prostitutes Probing Pandas; Pornographic Protocol Pipeline; Pederasty Prostitute Product; Platonic Profile Page; Pastor Preach Product; Pacifist's Premier Praise
  • QOS - Quite overvalued shares; Q Operating System (see Q); Questions Of Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll
  • Q&A - Questions and Alternative questions; Quotes and Alliances; Qwerty-u, iop & Asdfgh; Quadruplicate ASCII
  • NWA - Nigga's Wit Attitude; Nuns Wit Attitude; Nerds Will Attribute (to wiki's); Necrophile With Analobsession; National Wiki Association; National World Apocalypse-league
  • RPC - Republic People's of China or Remote Protocol for system Compromise
  • Objective-C - Objectionable material sorted alphabetically under C
  • SGML - Some Gay Men lovin'; Some Guy Masturbates in the Loo; Some Gays Masturbating in Love; Standard God Markup Language (God Damn America, Damn It, Abomination, Leviticus, God Hates Fags, God Hates America, Hell, damnation, doom and the like)
  • SMTP - Slightly Moist Toilet Paper; Stalin's Masturbation Technique Protocols; Sexually-active Mothers Trying Pee-sex;
  • 13/F/PA - Federal Bureau Investigation; 13 divided by F then divided by Pi and A
  • SNMP - Someone Needs More Porn or Semen doNations for M.I.L.F's & ex-Pornstars
  • SSH - Sexy Sexy Horse; Someone Somewhere does Heroin; Sell Sex Here
  • SSL - Secret Sex Lair; Secret Second(ary Love)Life; Secret Shotacon Love
  • TCP/IP - Toilet Connection Pipeline/International Plumbing; Telephone-line Connection Protocol/Internal Pipeline
  • TELNET - Toilet Elementary Lid-down Network; Telephone-line Enhanced Link Networked Entertainment Technology
  • IURTURG - If U Read This U R Gay
  • URL - Uninvited Rabbit License or Unintentional Root Layer
  • UUCP - User to Urinal Cake Peer; Ultimate User Copyright Protocol; Universal Urinal Computer Protocol
  • Objective-C++ - Objectionable material sorted alphabetically under C, in ascending order
  • VPN - Virtual Pornographic Network; Vatican Porn Network; Vesper Parody Nuns
  • WWW - Worldwide Water Works; Washington Wide Web; Wild West Waterworld; Will.i.am WorldWide; Windows Worldwide Web;
  • Objective-C-- - Objectionable material sorted alphabetically under C, in descending order
  • WOW - World of Witchcraft; World of Our Windows; Wii of Windows
  • XML - eXtraterrestrials Meta-verse Layer or X-rated Martian League
  • OOAO - Out Of Alphabetical Order; Orgasmic Overpowered Anal Operation; Organization Of Anal Operatives
  • SMD - Suck My .... well you know; Smash Military Dickheads; Sexy Mothers District
  • FLASH - Feelings of Lust As Summernudity Hopes rise
  • Computer Mouse - That little furry animal which feeds off your life force and sticks it's data transmission hub into the USB port of a computer.

[edit] Synonyms

Haha Internet.jpg

Ethernet, Interweb, Interdweebs, Intarweb, Interwebs, Intarwebs, Those Intarwebs, Innernet, Interwebtron, Interknet, World Wide Web, World War 3, Webternet, World Inter Wide Webnet, AOL, Computers, A Series of Tubes, and Al Gore's ausfahrt (German, for "exit").

The term "Information Superhighway" used to be used to describe the Internet when it was just a cute baby and had nothing but long, endless pages of text and gray backgrounds to play with in a playpen called "Mosaic." However, because of the infamous Collapse of the Information Superhighway (Also Known As Highway 404) one windy and icy morning in 1996, this term is now viewed as offensive to some. Investigations into the disaster revealed that the people who were supposed to be constructing the highway in 1978 spent most of their time in the foreman's shack looking on the Internet for porn instead of welding the rebar to support the tubes.

Just a perfect example of how marxian economics has absolutely everything to do with downloading music!

[edit] Common concerns about the Internet

Teh Internets, what do you punch little buttons and things?

Contrary to popular perception, everything you read on the Internet is carefully vetted and guaranteed to be absolutely 100% true only around 10% of the time. (with the obvious exception of a small number of designated satirical sites such as Wikipedia).

The Internet is widely believed to be a dangerous place, with thousands of virtual streets lined with casinos, porn shops, 419 scams, and drug dealers.[4] There have been rumors on this Internet and possibly other Internets as well.[5]

Brought to you by the American Family Association.

These other internets are often referred to as Darknets or the dark internet due to their unreachable because the guy called google has not indexed them yet. They consist mainly of password protected porn networks and other dark strange websites like personal geocities pages that were never finished due to lack of motivation. Also many good websites exist in only the darkest places of the internet, often taking much effort to find them, however satisfaction is guaranteed after locating these tagless websites.

[edit] Serious Business

The internet is serious business. Every time a user posts a message of satire, sarcasm or humor anywhere on the world wide web, whether it be in an e-mail, on web forums, or even a blog, Bach kills a kitten. Internet users are indirectly responsible for 83% of murdered kittens each week. Therefore, the Internet is a place in which nobody is allowed to screw around. Ever. Case in point: In 1982 during the first internet revolution known only as "Carp" was trying sell a exotic pet on the ebay bbs service. In his ad he said that this pet was "one of a kind" which was later proved to be false. He admitted his mistake and nothing happened until 10 years later he was hit by a car and died.

[edit] Pornography

Everybody knows that God gave man the gift of internet so that everyone could watch as much free porn as they wanted. The Internet is especially useful for young teenagers who wish to view free porn which they cannot legally view. See: gay porn and child porn.

  • It should be noted that while downloading porn leads to jerking off with Hitler, watching it online is fair game. If all the porn was taken off the Internet there would be just one site remaining, called "[www.bringbacktheporn.com]".
  • "The internet IS for porn" Quote: WOW.

[edit] Dark dungeons

The Internet is known to have dark dungeons, which hold children.[6] The presence of these dungeons might be due to parents dropping off their kids in the middle of the Internet and walking away.[4]

Most of them are entertaining and fun places which discuss and deal with drugs as well as where to meet to buy them. Places like Mofunzone are drug dealing places with subliminal messages located inside the flash games coding, which only the dedicated can locate. Yahoo groups, google groups, alt. messaging groups all are dangerous places where pedophiles lurk as well as astrology forums asking for your birthdate, most sexual predators lurk here hoping to pick up these lost children.

[edit] Nigerian Widows in Financial Trouble

Miriam Abacha, the wife of the late Nigerian head of state, Gen. Sani Abacha, is a prominent and respected Internet figure. After the mysterious death of her husband, she was informed by her lawyer, Bello Gambari, that her husband who at the time was the president of Nigeria, showed him four metal boxes of foreign money to be transferred overseas for foreign investment.

Since he died, the Nigerian government has been after Miriam Abacha, policing and freezing her bank accounts, and even arresting her children. Her family account in Switzerland worth US$22,000,000.00 and 120,000,000 Dutch marks has been confiscated by the government. After the burial rite and customs, her lawyer saw your name and address in the publication of the Nigerian Business Promotion Agency. As a consequence, Miriam Abacha smuggled the money into Ghana, and now is seeking an overseas business partner to try and get the money into western investments. If you wish to help her, all you have to do is reply to her email, and she will cut you in for 10%. Hoi

[edit] Ties to 9/11 and US government involvement

Before 2001, the main subspace relay gateway to Internet was located in the south WTC tower in New York. After Al Qaeda hackers launched a massive attack on the main control node from their cavernous hideouts, George W. Bush along with his co-conspirators Elvis Presley and James Dean moved the subspace relay using string tunneling toward an alternate reality, where it would be free from harm. All this 6 days, 6 hours and 6 seconds before the attacks in New York, thus proving that the number of the beast has been evoked and that judgment day is at hand. Judgment Day happened on October 26th that very same year. Since then there has been a major cover-up, with Presley supposedly dying because of an overdose and Dean in a car accident years before these events.

You are being watched.

Trust no one.

The FBI is onto you.

[edit] The Memory Issue

Most people are not worried about the Internet ending, similar to the end of the world, but leading scientists and NSA researchers are rapidly growing worried about memory. They think that in a few years, the Internet will run out of space, an oncoming sign of the apocalypse. However, if they saw this site, they would stop worrying, and, very profitably to our country, drop dead on the floor. The Internet has already run out of space, thus the apocalypse has happened.(See above segment.)

[edit] How to win a game of "Internet"

1) Don't have access to the Internet.

2) YOU LOST THE GAME (I HATE YOU!)

[edit] The Women Conspiracy

A recent study by experts found that prior to 2000 the Internet consisted of 71.934 percent FBI agents, 24 percent oily, freckle infested nerds, and 1 percent unknown with a 100% margin of error. When asked about this, the FBI denied the allegation by saying, "we enjoy making old sweaty men think that we're hot young.... oh wait, I've said too much." They then proceeded to break our reporter's neck. This revelation has led veteran Internet users into panic. A hairy sweaty longtime Internet user responded "Who have I been exchanging sexy emails with?"

When questioned to what the FBI had to gain by impersonating women on chat sites, they responded "First it was just a joke. Bill got some nerd all worked up and then we all started doing it. Bush Senior's been exchanging emails with some lardass since '96, the guy thinks he's a 24 year old secretary."

[edit] Porn

Almost all middle aged men are on the internet for one reason. That reason involves moms id like to have intercourse with and girls touching other girls. Most men are satisfied with this use of the world wide web, but women seem to think it demeans the female race. When president George W. Bush was asked about porn, he replied "I umm.... think that porn should be revitelated and turned into a national sport. On a more recent note, a major porn corporation named "Fuck U Much" asked for a 300 million dollar bailout from President Barack Hussein Obama. Another interesting fact about the internet is that most porn sights are actually gay porn sites. A recent study performed by NASA (National Association for Sexual Actions) showed that the top users of these websites include ex-senator Larry Craig, Tom Cruise, The Jonas brothers, and most men who have read twilight.

[edit] Cheat codes

Basic dial-up connection.
  • Type "Google.com", then type "kiddy porn" to send a squad of police to your door.
  • Alt+F4 for God Mode. Always. Especially when you are playing an intense online game and just want a picture of your "pwnage."
  • Alternatively for God Mode, delete Shutdown.exe
  • By buying your own domain, and posting information that is not true, it will BECOME true, using the "everything on the internet is true except on Wikipedia" clause.
  • TYPE IN ALL CAPS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
  • T0 H4CK 1N70 4 W3BS173, R3PL4C3 L3773R5 W17H 51M1L4R-L00K1N6 NUMB3R5 45 Y0U 7YP3.
  • Compare an opponent in an argument to Hitler and you automatically win said argument.
  • After typing a long post, press Alt +F4 to automatically spell-check it.
  • Or press F5 for it to be certified by Hitler.
  • To send in the bomb squad: post a threatening bulletin on Myspace
  • If you type in google.com with 69 o's in Google, you'll get free unlimited porn
  • Close your eyes and Press CTRL+W 13 times to destroy Microsoft
  • Hold down every key on the keyboard while left-clicking to unlock sandbox mode.
  • Hold down every key on the keyboard while right-clicking to highlight yourself.
  • If you type "Google" into Google.com, you will break the internet.
  • Type "<Insert Sites Here>" into the adress bar to open every web page in the internet at once.
  • Hit ur monitor with a sledge hammer and receive free internet access
  • Use internet proxies at school to get free detention
  • Press Z or R twice to cause the internet to do a barrel roll.
  • Attempt to use BBcode formatting in an HTML based forum to receive a troll encounter.
  • Read uncyclopedia articles at school to get sick enough to come home
  • Drop all your items and press Alt + F4 to duplicate them
  • To Get Free Porn Simply Click Start->Run->Type "cmd"->Press Enter->type "format /x C:"->Press Y, then Enter
  • Press ~ and type "kill" to get a rocket launcher
  • Hit UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A and click 'start' to reach the last level/final boss
  • Deleting "System32" in the WINDOWS folder will unlock the infamous Blue Screen easter egg.
  • Sourmath.com has the answers to all problems in any math book.
  • To ensure a steady stream of nasty messages, post on any blog "I love George W. Bush".
  • Type in 'Westen Nuclear Secrets' into google.com to send C.I.A.round to your house.
  • To unlock all internet sites, hold down L and R and press DOWN, LEFT, DOWN, RIGHT, UP, UP, DOWN, UP.

[edit] WWW

WWW is an Internet service. The acronym means World Wide Waiting and it is for the most of the conections. There is a WWW room that everyone who is waiting for a page to load, goes automatically there. The room is 24-7 full and you can alomost breath. There are users from all the world and they are about 4.000.000.000 at average. More that 500.000 users are approaching every minute and only 10 leave this room. Nine of them because they get bored and the other one because the page loaded!

[edit] Others

[edit] Types

InternetToughGuy.jpg
:see Internet dorks

[edit] References

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Larry King, Larry King Show. November 14, 2006.
  2. ↑ Cite error: Invalid <ref> tag; no text was provided for refs named ted
  3. ↑ Paul Twomey, Web chief warns of domain name chaos, smh.com.au
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 New Jersey Times, Parents learn of perils Internet poses for kids
  5. ↑ George W. Bush, debate with John Kerry. 2004.
  6. ↑ George W. Bush, campaign speech, Arlington Heights, Illinois, Oct. 24, 2000

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

The cornerstones of the Internets
Internet | Internets | World Wide Web | The Network
Browsers Internet Explorer | King Bowser Koopa | Safari | Konqueror | Opera | Maozilla | Mozilla Firefox
Languages CSS | LifeScript | Perl | PHP | Java | JavaScript | VBScript | Internet-speak
Formats Image file formats (GIF JPEG LIM PNG SVG) | HTML | SGML | XHTML | XML
Consortiums W3C | Zann

105 Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)

Retrieved from "http://mirror.uncyc.org/wiki/Internet"
Personal tools
on Uncyclopedia