Internet Crash of 1864

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Every time you masturbate, God crashes a computer

The Internet Crash of 1864 is the event in which the Internet was brutally slaughtered, buttfucked liberally, and annihilated completely. Very few had prior knowledge to the crash, and those who had did nothing to prepare for it. Since the Internet was destroyed, many tried to reinitialize it, but eventually gave up, deciding they were better off without it.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster's Warning[edit]

The first warning came several days before the Crash, in the form of a text message to Al Gore, creator of the Internet, from the Flying Spaghetti Monster himself, creator of everything else. The Flying Spaghetti Monster claimed that the Internet had gone through a hideous transformation from something good and pure, to something sick and violent, in a matter of seconds. If Gore failed to fix it up, The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, he would be forced to destroy it. Gore, against the persuasion from his friends and advisors, refused.

I disagree.

The Beginning of the End[edit]

Three days later, The Flying Spaghetti Monster delivered on his promise and began the systematic killing of web pages. He started with the small blog sites, and during the course of a week, rose up to the corporate web sites of small companies. The reaction was beyond anything anyone could have expected. People rioted in the streets, filed lawsuits, spat on dogs, and even, in some extreme cases, cried. In the fourth day of the Crash, angry racists threw a bomb into the window of Gore's home, claiming he was responsible for deleting their website [1] (The racists later claimed they were not aware of the Crash, and just wanted a reason to blow up a jew). Gore, however, was out masturbating at the time, and no one was injured in the blast.

Things Start Cookin'[edit]

The second week of the Crash rose to even greater hights, and The Flying Spaghetti Monster started to delete larger, more well known sites, such as The Best Page in the Universe, Uncyclopedia, and Newgrounds. People started to treat the Crash as the end of the world, and some even reverted back to their primitive instincts. Churches held special mass to pray to The Flying Spaghetti Monster to let them keep their internet, but to no avail. Mass suicide and looting was the major trend of the month, and still the Crash showed no signs of stopping.

In Soviet Russia, Internet kill YOU!!![edit]

Russian Government Peoples that are responsible for the laughable calls made to counter the Crash.

Since Russians are not allowed to have small websites, the Crash didn't even reach them until the third week, in which the largest websites, such as Google, Yahoo, and eBay, were deleted. The Russian Government threatened to destroy the ones responsible for the e-attack, and when the world tried to tell them it was an act of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Russia refused to listen to reason and began to destroy their own computers. To this day, this incredible incredible display of blatent stupidity has yet to be explained or topped, and the most casualties during the crash occurred from electrical fires and glass lacerations in Russia. The reaction was so embarasing, The Russian Government opted to erase the event from records. Today, less than .1% or Russian citizens know that there is no longer an internet, and less than 2% actually had access to the internet when it was avaliable.

The End of the End[edit]

After every website in the universe was deleted, things wound down quickly. All network connections were obliterated, and in the beginning of the fourth week, the Crash ended. The internet was completely gone, and people began to go back to their normal day-to-day buisness.[1] Al Gore moved on to different projects, and set his sights on his long time hobby of politics.Children played outside more, adults made more money, and illigal imigrants were able to take back jobs that the internet had taken from them. All in all, the world was a better place.[2]

Causes for the Crash[edit]

Historions have looked at old Internet files to try and determine what pissed off The Flying Spaghetti Monster to the point of the Crash. They have narrowed the list of scapegoats to these five:

  • Porn: Invented by Thomas Edison to showcase his new invention sex, porn was the symbol of depravity in the internet world. Legitimate information sites were prodded out of the way in popularity based internet searches by the billions of pornography sites that users literally inhaled. (Sometimes, too literally.) Although The Flying Spaghetti Monster didn't like it, Edison considered porn a raving success and has since moved on to magazines as a port for his most popular invention.
  • eBay: This web phenomina was best known for sucking the time and money out of the asses of hard working workers. Catholic priests regarded it as the sins of Gluttony, Sloth, and Envy, digitally embodied in one website. They claimed the same of Cactus Cooler, but no one knows why.
  • Blogs: Stupid people finally got a voice in the world when the Web Blog was invented, and concurrently, the entire world's voice was virtually illegitimateized. Saturating the internet with boring personal crap and making it harder to find decent porn on search engines, the web blog was a persistent annoyance to all internet users, and apearantly,The Flying Spaghetti Monster, too. Since the Crash, the world vowed to never allow stupid people to have a voice EVER again.
  • MySpace: An example of one of the highly popular Blog/MMOG/Stalker-resource, the tale of this miserable excuse of a website is long and harrowing. See MySpace to hear it. Basically, it ends with the entire Internet being erased, and countless and pointless deaths, especially in Росси́я.
  • Hamster Rape: No one is really sure how this one hurt our chances for keeping the Internet, but it sure as hell couldn't have helped.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. All network technicions and Google employees, unfortunately, remained unemployed, and most died of starvation in a few days. It's still not as funny as the morons in Russia, though.
  2. The lives of the families of suicide victims never recovered.

See also[edit]