Ioan Gruffudd

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Those know-it-alls over at Wikipedia also have an article about: Ioan Gruffudd.

...Although, frankly I've read funnier things on a packet of crisps.
Ioan Gruffudd as Horatio Hornblower, captain of the Good Ship Venus, remembering his painful encounter with the cabin-boy.

β€œAn alliterative actor? Absolutely amazing!”

~ the Ioan Gruffud Fan Club on Ioan Gruffudd

Ioan Gruffudd (Welsh for "I pwn3d Elmer Fudd")[also known as The Sexiest Man Alive (admit it. You know you want to!] is a British actor known for his eccentric habit of only playing alliteratively named roles.

Start: Small Screen[edit]

He first shot to fame as Horatio Hornblower, captain of the Good Ship Venus, in a series of hardcore pr0nographic TV movies for ITV. Fans loved his relationship with his sidekick Midshipman Easy, and his popular catchphrase, "It's my turn in the barrel," was quoted by schoolboys everywhere.

After that, it's generally believed Gruffudd went on to play Philip Pirrip in a BBC adaptation of the Charles Dickens novel Great Expectations, however it's hard to be certain as no-one watched it.

Films: Finding Fame[edit]

He quickly found Hollywood success as Lancelot du Lac in the film King Arthur. However even though the film had brought him international recognition, his British fans were unhappy, claiming that the "du" meant his character wasn't truly alliterative. "Ioan is ignoring identical initials," the fan club explained. "'Du' destroys detailed dedication."

(In Gruffudd's defence, he had originally planned to play Keira Knightley in the film, but had been forced to switch roles at the last minute when it was discovered that she had already been cast as his wife Lady Windemere, the Lady of the Lake[1].)

To make up for this tiny slip, Gruffudd made sure he had a doubly alliterative name in his next film, playing Reed Richards leader of the Fantastic Four. He hoped that this would win back the trust of his fans. He obviously hadn't reckoned with how fanatical fans can be: "Gruffud gets grudging gratitude," as the fan club's representative said. "Still, shame sequel shall see Susan Storm switching surnames."

His most recent role is in the film Amazing Grace, where he plays William Wilberforce, the owner of a South London brothel called "The Clap and Sex", who single-handedly abolished slavery in Britain nearly fifty years before anyone in the USA could be bothered to do anything about it. So much for the Land of the Free! The film's Hollywood scriptwriters have made a few changes to make the story more acceptable to American test audiences, such as making an anachronistic Abraham Lincoln the hero, and Wilberforce the evil, slave-trading villain with a British accent, who assassinates Lincoln at the theatre. He then runs out of the theatre and into a book depository, while Lincoln runs out of the warehouse and into Marilyn Monroe.

Present: Possible Parts[edit]

Gruffudd is currently considering his next role, and has narrowed in down to one of the following:

  • Daniel Deronda
  • Sam Spade
  • Penelope Pitstop
  • Walter Wingfield (inventor of lawn tennis)
  • Dick Dastardly
  • Cassius Clay (provided another actor takes over for scenes after the character changes his name to Muhammed Ali)


  1. ↑ the film was aiming for historical accuracy, so naturally the script was based on 1066 and all that, the only reference book that's nearly as accurate as Uncyclopedia itself.