Ipswich

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Ipswich, conveniently located at the arsehole of England
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ipswich.

“The switch that turns on and off lights in England”

~ Tamia

Ipswich (also known as "a scum hole") is a designated chav hole coded #116 of the United Kingdom. Similar to the United States' Project Joysee this is undeniably a shit hole awaiting destruction.

Ipswich is also known as one of the major towns of Mediocre Britain. This article is for the Ipswich of Great Britain. People in London are not even aware of Ipswich's existence and it is widely dismissed as a myth by Cockney's.

History[edit]

Little is known about the history of Ipswich. Common legend dictates that after Daniel Day-Lewis squatted down over England and shat out Ireland, he then proceeded to wipe his arse on the patch we now call Ipswich. It is said that Chuck Norris wanted to own the land on which Ipswich now stands to build Chucktopia, but due to the sudden influx of inbred, scummy and diseased people, he decided to take North america instead.

The origins of the town date back to the 1500s when it used to be a giant sewage works. During the recent work at the quay, turds were dated as far back as 1525. This accounts for the smell which is usually associated with Ipswich. The town's name is thought to be derived from the Anglo-Saxon word shytehole or shit pit.


In 1981 walnuts came alive and started to attack the population of Ipswich. Because of the hard shells it hurt a lot, especially when it hit you in the nuts (get it). But the populatio of Ipswich destryed the walnuts with nut crackers. It was just a hard time catching the little buggers.

Rivalry with Norwich[edit]

There has been a long running feud in East Anglia between Ipswich and Norwich. Ipswich is typically the 'bitch' of the relationship, with Norwich being a marginally nicer place as it has a one more car park and a larger HMV store.

However, social historians have looked into this rivalry and come to the conclusion that the main reason Norwich is a nicer place is because it has a more closely linked social network. The main reason for this is that everyone in Norwich is beleived to be related to everyone else. This, common misconception is widely held, but easily disproved. Take a short journey beyond Diss on the A140, and the nearer you get to Ipswich the more you feel you are entering the set of the film "The Village of the Damned".

Perhaps the biggest sign of deficiency Ipswich has with Norwich comes from the simple question "Name someone famous from Suffolk?". In Norfolk they name Stephen Fry or Horatio Nelson. In Ipswich they shout "Nik Kershaw" (actually born in Bristol, but raised in Ipswich which might explain his musical or lack of musical talent) or "Delia Smith", (who has lived at Combs near Stowmarket for over 30 years) before realising that she prefers Norfolk and is owner of Norwich City Football club. The only other famous person from Suffolk apparently died in 1956

Everything I said about Jay ashly REDNALL is not true. and i ave apologised to him

despite it all being true though so i shall take it ALL not back so HAHAHA

Population[edit]

The population of Ipswich is made up mostly of small, rat-like creatures. They can be seen scurrying about the decrepit streets at all times of day, squawking at humans beings and demanding that they "Gim Wallet". Of course, these habits have brought the pesky vermin into direct conflict with the dwindling human population of the town. This has lead some experts to believe that human beings could soon become extinct in Ipswich, unless steps are taken to protect these vulnerable creatures. This has been considered by nuking the fuck out of Impswich a carefull controlled and humane removal of the vermin

In the town, there is a strict hierarchy which must be adhered to at all times. A person's status is normally determined by their fluency in grime, beatingz rating and fakeness of jewelery.

  • Wastemanz - A wasteman is a person who has been marked as a potential threat to the chav society. This person is soon hunted down and taken in for being repeatedly hit on the head until they have a negative I.Q. re-education as a chav. This may include various name callings and possible subjection to 'bare beatz'.
  • Wetty - A Wetty is a person of the minimum social status in Ipswich. They usually have no beatz record and wear clothing which is seen as disgusting even in the eyes of the population. Wettys are subject to bare beatz at any given time and the people of Ipswich are encouraged to inform the authorities if they sight one.
  • Gai - A 'gai' or sometimes 'gay' is characterized by his/her lack of baby blue coloured clothing, stolen mobile phones and sickening MC Name. They usually receive beats but rarely int he form of bare beatz.
  • Gek - A 'gek' is an Ipswich term for a non-conformist. They are closely associated with the hated 'grubby grebo' community. Geks are subject to beatz after dark under Ipswich law (Grubee Grebo Act 2k4) but due to their busy schedule, they often escape unscathed.
  • Blud - A blud is a respected citizen in Ipswich. They wear the correct clothing, listen to BaRe TuNeAg3 and do their duty to society by assisting with the beating of innocent people. They can often be sighted swarming around more authoritative figures.
  • Mash-hed - A mash-hed is an extremely envied position in the Ipswich society. They are skilled labourers in the field of alcohol and drug abuse and often have the honour of preparing drugs for use by bruvs. They are exempt from any kind of beatz or muggings under the [email protected] eD aCt 2K6.
  • Bruv - A bruv is the highest position someone can attain in Ipswich. They can order the beating of anyone at anytime and have unlimited access to all wallets. To become a bruv, you must be elected by the Ipswich Beatz Council (founded 2k2). Bruvs are always protected by at least three bluds. If you are instructed to do something by someone of this status, it is strongly advised that you follow all orders to avoid being 'smacked up'.


there are goinng to be a killing spring of zombies in years to come

Culture[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ipswich.

Due to most of its inhabitants being rodents, Ipswich is a town largely void of any kind of cultural influences. However, one interesting thing to point out is the variety of languages spoken. The official language of the town is a local speech known as 'grime'. For those who do not speak it (or 'chat' it, as the natives say), grime sounds roughly like a cat coughing up hairballs while suffering from a nasty chest infection. To the rodents, however, grime is a sophisticated tongue, requiring extensive training and great dedication to master. Grime is a language suprisingly lackind in words like "education", "soap", "culture" or even any numbers above 50, but is incredibly complex in terms of abuse, discrimination, drugs and swearing.

It is believed that those most fluent in grime hold the right to lead the rodent packs. These mighty warriors are chosen through an annual contest, held in a mythical place known only as "Rushmere Eef". On this sacred ground, the largest and most racially unidentifiable rodents will face off against one another. They will take it in turns to shout at each other in grime, the winner being decided by the creature that speaks the fastest and makes the least sense. This may in turn lead to the rodents throwing their fists around in an unrecognisable way before knifing each other repeately. Only those ones who have stolen sufficient money to afford body armour will survive this ritual and then go on to rape breed with every female in the area.
After grime, English is the second most common language in Ipswich. This is spoken mainly by the human inhabitants. Ipswich-English (or 'shittus-Anglo') is widely regarded as the form most difficult to understand (Possible competitors include Glaswegian-English and Dre-English). The language is spoken in an accent so incomprehensible, it can actually cause people who aren't used to it to explode. This is why first time visitors to Ipswich are encouraged to wear earplugs and toxic suits so they don't catch any of the dirty vermin diseases.
An estimated 120 percent of Ipswich's population lives on council estates, some of which include: Stoke Park, Whitehouse, Whitton, Chantry, Kesgrave, Gainsborough and Nacton which take up all but a tiny portion in the North West of the town or out in the shit-infested countryside where the lower middle classes hide from smelly poor folk.
Everyone in Ipswich smokes. Something. Everyone. Always.


New Conservative plans show that they intend to clean up the country, and Lib Dems bright idea was to test the Nuclear Trident mission at Ipswich within the next few years, Cameron was quoted saying " We want to clean up the country and what better way then taking down the biggest shithole here". NHS spokesperson has said that " this will save us alot of money, because it means it will cut down all the disease treatment by around 90%. It also means that we can invest in new treatments to try and help find the cure to the 6 finger syndrome, and hire phyciatrists to help the survivors of the Nuclear testing and to eventually lose there attraction to relatives, after that we can put them back into society and they can be cured from what is known as the Suffolk Curse.

Claim to Fame[edit]

Aside from being one of the major chav capitals of the UK, Ipswich also has other more redeeming qualities to it.

It is often observed that the Orwell Bridge is an unusually picturesque feature of the town, especially when viewed at dawn or dusk from the railway line. The graffiti over it is so incredibly unreconisable that instead of swears, random peoples shitty names, penises and naked womenually looks relaxing, refreshing and exiting all at the same time. No-one has ever told the locals this for two reasons. Firstly, nobody else can speak the fucking language and secondly, if they knew their ciry was slightly non-shitty, they would rectify it immediatley.
However, its beauty may derive in no small part from the fact that as one views it from the train, one is most likely either leaving the great shit-hole for London, or passing through on the way from London-Norwich, with a brief call at Ipswich station (during which passengers are advised not to make eye contact unless absolutely necessary) being the only blight on an otherwise pleasant journey. Use of the bridge itself is also a refreshing way for motorists to avoid having to enter Ipswich itself; at least, one is able to keep moving and it is not therefore necessary to lock to the doors of one's vehicle, as it otherwise would be.
Ipswich is also home to many renowned and reputable stars, one of these being the infamous 'Brikz' or 'Brikz2Ksik'. Any star-spotters are usually welcomed, although normally there is the small charge of a wallet and/or mobile phone. Favourite spotting locations include the chav-and-rat-infested alleyway adjacent to McDonald's in the town centre, or at more festive periods of the year they can be sighted at the local parks participating in the age-old tradition of the [email protected] mAShUP.
The 1980s pop icon Nik Kershaw was also reported to be from Ipswich but there is no evidence to support this claim - researchers have asked him, only to be told no; but then who'd admit to be from Ipswich? Plus any artist writing lyrics like "I wont let the son go down on me" must obviously be of interest to the local police.
And Ipswich people tend to belittle and piss take out of their well spoken, and vastly superior norfolk neighbours, mostly due to the local rivalry between the Norwich City Football/budgie club/aviary (NCF/BC/A) and the Ipswich Taaahhhhn Farmer's Co-op (ITFC)
Ipswich Taaahhhhn Farmer's Co-op is also the only Club to be owned by an arms dealer, so much that said arms dealer has been quoted as saying that he is considering using the stadium as a target range for arms clients, with the plan of making local chavs run around the pitch as human targets. However, there is also talks that the same amount of money could be made by placing a giant magnet over Ipswich and harvesting all the knives which would be connected.
All locals compete in the Rub of the Chicken. This involves rubbing a chicken on their privates in time with each other. In any other culture this would be weird but not so inf Ipswich.

See Also[edit]

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