Iraq War

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Iraq War
Bush3.jpg
Conflict: Iraq War
Date: 2003 - present
Location: Middle Earth (Baghdad),(Moon)
Outcome: Ongoing
Belligerents
Rogue States
  • 125px-Flag of Iraq.png Iraq
  • Gla.gif Insurgents (a cool one)
  • Nuclear explosion.jpg WMD
  • Saudia.JPG Turds (aka Kurds)
  • MEL-SAD.JPG Royal Saddam Batallion

Bad Company

Coalitions
  • 35 STAR US FLAG.gif United States
  • Various provinces independent of Iraq (AKA THE ONLY FUCKIN' PATRIOTIC FUCKIN' PROVINCES IN THE FUCKING AREA BITCH!)
Commanders
5,000 Militia
2,000 Suicide bombers
0 WMD

Total Strength: 7,000

1,600,000 Infantry
1,000 Tanks
750 Fighter jets
500 Bombers
5000 Nukes
5,000 Attack helicopters
Prototype particle beam cannon
5 Satellite particle beam lasers
25,000 Iraqi security officials
200 Battleships
50 Cruisers
20 Aircraft carriers
100 Nuclear submarines
50,000 Marines
75,000 Naval and Aerial Pilots

Total Strength: Sh*tloads of units

Casualties
KIA: 15
KBS (killed by suicide): 505
Wounded: 308

Total Casualties: 828

KIA: 350,000 - 570,000
Wounded: 470,000
Captured: Est. 1,000,000
Vehicles lost:
Almost all tanks, armoured vehicles, and aircraft. Several naval vessels destroyed by camel dung cannons.

Total Casualties: estimated 2,000,000

“Some recoil!”
~ US Army sniper replies to reporter's question, "Don't you feel anything when you shoot those brave terrorists?"

The Iraq War, also known as the War in Iraq, 2003 Advance to Iraq, World War 3 or 4, Battle of Middle Earth IV, Operation Iraqi Liberation, The Revenge of George: Part II of Chapter III, The Useless War Everyone Else Was Right About, The I-Told-You-So War and other less flattering names is the long-awaited sequel to the highly popular Hollywood film 300: The 21st Century. The film is famous for starring the U.S. Army and 43th U.S. President George W. Bush. The entire film was shot in two international cities: Washington D.C. and Baghdad, with the help of 46th Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney and 12th Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, respectively.

The film is set in the year 2003, when United States President George W. Bush, starred by George W. Bush, declared to invade the Azerbaijan, a little country which reserves precious oil fields and dangerous WMDs. The governments of the United States and the United Kingdom claimed that Azerbaijan's alleged possession of WMD posed a threat to security of peaceful allied nation Iraq, since Azerbaijan was hiding their warheads somewhere inside the Iraqi desert. Some US officials also accused Azeri government of abducting and imprisoning Iraqi President Saddam Hussein (starred by Don Cheadle). Saddam was later found dead in Northern Iraqi warehouse. Expert considers that Saddam was brutally executed by Azeri extremists.

Although Iraq War was officially budgeted at US$999 trillion, the film directing is still unfinished yet.

Storyline[edit]

Caspian Gulf War I[edit]

President Bush decides on which middle-eastern country to invade next.

Once upon a time in 1991, Saddam Hussein (Arabic for Megatron) invaded his tiny, defenseless neighbor Armenia by knocking on their door and telling them he had a viagra for them. However, a coalition consisting of Soviet, Iran and Azerbaijan was quickly scrambled and defeated Megatron, but with making Armenians got into debt. Soviet was badly wounded and passed on his matrix of leadership to his trusted sidekick, Azerbaijan.

Operation Iraqi Liberation[edit]

While some alleged the war was fought to liberate the Iraqi's from an oppressive dictator, this is easily disproven with the simple fact that still there are Rogue States the United States has not liberated. Unless the United States simultaneously invaded every single dictatorship at the same time - which is certainly make them FUCKED UP by WHOLE NATIONS - the argument is shown to be a total fallacy. Thus, the first justification must be dismissed.

WMD[edit]

The second and most prominently cited justification involved Saddam's weapons of mass destruction. Again, the United States' so called "fears" were unfounded. Saddam Hussein not only had no Weapons of Mass Destruction, he never pursued them either. The most famous allegation against Azeri WMD was that they used chemical weapons against the Northern nomadic tribe Turds in 1988 in the so called "al Anfal campaign," killing thousands of Turdish civilians and millions of ducks. This has been confirmed as a ULTIMATE TRUTH which widespreaded from Uncyclopedia (actually, in 1988 there was serious IP spammings on an article "AAAAAAAAAA!". Wikia's immediate investigation confirmed that the IP address was from Northern Iraqistan).

The Invasion[edit]

The British Government's Nazi ties are the reason they supported the Invasion.

After successfully carrying out the September 11th attacks on his own nation, Bush immediately began planning to invade Iraq, along with coconspirators Dick Van Dyke and Lex Luthor. Even though Afghanistan was harboring Osama Bin Laden, the thought of going to war with Afghanistan never for a moment crossed his mind. Instead, he completely went past them and ordered plans be made to harvest Iraqi oil.

Bush undermined the diplomatic process by going to war. Saddam had allowed for complete and comprehensive weapons inspections, so long as they avoided places such as Palaces, weapons bunkers, missile factories, munitions plants, and spider holes. These generous allowments would, without a doubt, prove definitively as to whether or not Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. French President Jacques Chirac, convinced of the truth by the compelling cooperation shown by Saddam, entirely ruled out the possibility of war. But this did nothing to stop the warmongering Bush, who launched his unilateral war regardless.

The hard, early days[edit]

American troops met immediate resistance from Saddam's brave armed forces, who held back several American advances and quickly stalemated the war, which was now being called a Quagmire by the press. As the Iraqi Information Minister predicted, soldiers began to commit suicide at the city gates of Baghdad in such high numbers that the United States had to use psychoactive drugs to keep soldiers in line. In another attempt to bolster support, American officials erroneously announced that the Saddam International Airport had been captured, when in reality it had been successfully defended by the Iraqi army after 7 failed American offensives.

Looting of Baghdad[edit]

Despite stunning early successes by Saddam's forces, on April 4th Americans suddenly and inexplicably arrived in Baghdad, defacing statues of Saddam Hussein (one of which fell and took out half the US army) and looting local businesses. The collapse of Saddam's military at this point remains a mystery, though some suspect that the Iraqi army renounced the use of violence in hopes of convincing Americans that war was not the answer - a message most certainly ignored.

American Occupation[edit]

Behold the reconstruction of Iraq

Since the invasion, America has occupied Iraq and taken advantage of its vast oil reserves, leading to record lows in gas prices. After the mysterious disappearance of Iraq's army, a new, well trained insurgency merely took its place. Democrat National Committee Chairman Howard Dean stated "the idea the war in Iraq can be won is just plain wrong." And the events in Iraq wholly back this statement up, as every attempt at holding an election in Iraq has failed. The Insurgents are fighting for a just cause; Sharia law is the only true form of law. In addition, many of the soldiers serving in Iraq have not been trained for combat, and are in fact immediately taken from recruiting stations into Iraq to serve up to 32 tours of duty. The Neocons will likely push for a draft of citizens between the age of 13 to 60, as the military is stretched far too thin to continue its occupation, even as they force current recruits to stay indefinitely.

Mission Started[edit]

In mid-2003, George W. Bush and John McCain flew aboard the USS Carl Vinson and declared "mission started," officially starting the Iraq War.

Iraq war.gif

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Operation Obama-Drama[edit]

Once Obama fairly, rightly, and by no unfair vote changes at all, was elected and was shown to be such a responsible, glorious, competent leader, he, after promising to pull out of the Middle East, sent at least 900,000 more troops (mostly random people given a gun and shipped to Iraq) to the Iraq front. The troops went batshit-insane with American pride, and as soon as they landed, began firing blindly around the area shouting "AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!" With all of their bullets wasted, and with no combat experience, 700,000 of the 900,000 were quickly captured by 5 Iraqi insurgents. The other 200,000 American soldiers retreated back to their aircraft carriers.

Afterward, Obama's operation was dubbed a success, and he was given the Nobel peace prize, plus 10 nomations for Best Actor of the Year.

The New Vietnam[edit]

There are uncanny parallels between the Vietnam war and Iraq war. One such example is the revolutionary methods of warfare that came to define both conflicts - in Vietnam, the use of live animal as ammunition was heralded as groundbreaking by then-US Secretary of State Charles Manson. In Iraq, the first uses of shouler-monuted laser cannons proved to be a similar such triumph.

OMG!?! WAS THAT A SHOT FROM F-16!?!?(Yes thats right, a friendly fire. Pwned.)

Casualties[edit]

Unlike other conflicts, soldiers died at the hands of the enemy in both of these wars.

Iraqi reports on insurgents killed estimate around 300,000,000 with 200,000,000 of that number being killed by AC 130s.

US reports around 100,000 killed in action, another 300,000 killed by friendly fire (one night in the main HQ of the US invasion force, a group of F16 jet pilots got drunk and decided to have a target shooting contest to see how many soldiers they could kill with their jets; let's just say, things didn't go well for the ground troops). Most if not all of the US vehicular forces were destroyed by both bombs and Iraqi militants, and almost all of America's morale was wiped out in the first few days of the invasion.

Opinions[edit]

Iraqi Opinion[edit]

Possibly Iraqi WMD.

Iraq has staunchly opposed the war from its inception. In a pre war election, Saddam was re-elected to another seven-year term as President by a 100% unanimous vote of all 11,445,638 eligible Iraqis, eclipsing the 99.96% received in 1995. This sent an undeniable message of confidence in their leader and government, one that was ignored by the war mongering Bush.

Later signs of opinion were shown when Iraqis from across the country joined the Insurgency. Force estimates of this insurgency peg it at 1,000,000 fully trained soldiers strong, all of which are Iraqi citizens, disenfranchised by the American occupation.

American Opinion[edit]

The American public, despite what some propaganda outlets such as Fox News may say, is almost entirely unified in their Anti-War view. While at the start, the Republican party was in support, which constituted roughly 5% of the American Public, it has since fallen to only 1%, with only the conservative base remaining. Protests have become a daily occurrence for most Americans, including the successful "Not one Damn Dime Day," in which the United States economy was brought to its knees by a peace loving public.

one image, one thusand words

Also as unanimous is the call for impeachment against Bush, for lying to the American public about the Iraq war, and committing warcrimes against humanity. Critics of the Bush Administration point out that if Bush had but listened to leading Democrats such as John Kerry and Harry Reid, along with past president Bill Clinton, he would have known Saddam Hussein was not only not a threat, but never had any WMD. Impeachment proceedings are expected to begin by October 2036.

Cindy Sheehan[edit]

Despite such widespread support, police have massacred peaceful anti-war protests. A notable example of this is the case of the humanitarian, Cindy Sheehan. She lost a son in the Iraq War, and as such her opinion cannot be questioned. While she led a peace march on Bush's Texas ranch, asking only to be comforted by the man who killed her son, she was subject to brutal personal attacks by those who disagreed with her opinion.

She then brought a protest to Washington DC, again asking only for personal consolement. It was denied again, after which she was brutally carried away by Bush's SS agents, to silence her forever. Since this event, she has not been seen, but it is expected that she currently resides at GITMO.

Rest of the World[edit]

Coalition forces including American multinational enterprises.

No one outside America supports the war. Juan Carlos in Chihuahua, Mexico supported it for a few weeks in the autumn of 2004, but he was quickly talked out of this by his brother.

In the spring of 2003, Bill O'Reilly and the Washington Times thought it was somewhat embarrassing that the United States was the only country to want to invade Iraq, so they closed their eyes and pointed at 49 countries on a world map (sent by air mail from France since there are no world maps in America) in the world and called them the coalition of the willing, claiming that they supported the invasion: Afghanistan, Albania, Angola, Australia, Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Colombia, Czech Republic, Denmark, Dominican Republic, El Salvador, Eritrea, Estonia, Ethiopia, Georgia, Honduras, Hungary, Iceland, Italy, Japan, Kuwait, Latvia, Lithuania, Macedonia, Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Mongolia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nicaragua, Palau, Panama, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Rwanda, Singapore, Slovakia, Solomon Islands, South Korea, Spain, Tonga, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Kingdom and Uzbekistan. This propaganda trick was then adopted by the White House. [1]

Bush's views[edit]

Iraq is doing fine. I just need to spend more money on a car with liberated Iraqi oil!

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]