Irish
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Caution, the Irish are a highly explosive race; keep them away from flamable substances, such as whiskey or you're gonna regret it.
“The people that own the shit out of you, bitch.”
~ That guy who killed you on the fags reading this article
“DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND FIGHT!”
~ Bucky O Nine on the Irish
“Not as good as Scotland.”
~ Master Toto on Ireland's alcholism rates before being stabbed by a limerick teen.
“ALL OF YOU ####### ANTI-IRISH BASTARDS CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!”
~ Ian Paisley on the 1994 elections
“DRINK! FECK! ARSE!”
~ Father Jack on how to survive in Ireland
“GIRLS! ”
~ Father Jack on continued survival in Ireland
“When I created Ireland I was hungover.”
~ Eric Clapton on His creation of Ireland
“They're like jewelled self-dribbling basketballs and there are many of them and they come pounding toward you and they will stop in front of you and vibrate.”
~ Terrence McKenna on The Irish
“A bit dim.”
~ Captain Understatement on The Irish
“I don't know why people call me the Potato-Man”
~ Bono on Himself
The residents of Ireland (or the Ayerrrish in Irish) are a peaceful race of two foot tall, bearded men that wear Amish clothes, have translucent, nearly blue skin, women with legs that look like they are upside down, and of course, school children's dependency on alcohol. The Irish are a quaint and simple folk, and distant cousins to modern man. They are identifiable mainly by an affinity for Guinness (this is often quite overtly manifested) and a distinct absence of luck with horticulture. Contrary to popular stereotype, the Irish are not stupid nor do they lack the faculty of reason; they merely refuse to be swayed by the lascivious temptations of so-called 'intelligence' or 'logic', and are thus prone to militant Catholicism, mass-procreation, and habitual drunkenness. Their main goal in life is to dance across a rainbow so they may find a pot of gold.
The Irish (and possibly the Scots) are a subspecies of Grue. The Irish were at one time the most advanced Grue civilization in the world. Unfortunately, they would have doomed the human race in ten years, until the invention of the still. The rest as they say is history.
The Irish race is primarily located in the cheaper parts of the eastern United States, and Liverpool, England. However, small populations still exist on their native island of Ireland where numbers have dwindled significantly due to famine, as well as the onset of British and Polish colonisation. Though often thought to have migrated to Ireland in 44 B.C. from Germany they are in fact natives of that small archipelago off the coast of France. There they attempted to conduct civil society, but their cell phones often quit working, which often caused many problems during Ireland's civilized period. That was before they discovered Guinness. Despite being Irish and commenting on every other article Oscar Wilde refused to give up a snappy quote for this page.
“What about this one yew wankers?”
~ Oscar Wilde on on the above statement.
Irishmen are Spaniards who went the wrong way northward and landed on one of the two British isles.
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[edit] Information Regarding the Proper Use and Care Of Your Irishman
An Irishman's hair should be treated daily in a solution of rainwater and compost to preserve colour. Their large penis' (they are large, very much bigger than average African penises) should be milked daily. It is recommended to comb their manes with a small camel-hair brush, whilst gently singing of ways to smite the British. While almost every Irishman living in Ireland has brown or black hair, a disproportionate number of Irish-Americans have red hair, due to improper solar exposure. Skin may be bleached if desired, fear not, your Irishman will greatly enjoy this experience, and those adorable freckles will never disappear. Ugly and fat.
CAUTION: It is still highly recommended to store your Irishman in a cool, moist space, and DO NOT EXPOSE TO SUNLIGHT. If exposed to sunlight, very bright red discoloration is normal. Bathe in a solution of aloe vera and vitamin E for several weeks before returning to normal activity. If your Irishman experiences trembling, loss of appetite and general unpleasantness, administer liberal amounts of Jameson's and/or Beamish. When properly restored, your now inebriated irishman will let you know he is healthy again by speaking to you in a secret Irish language composed of moans, grunts, nasal whines and guttural interjections. (see Gaelic)
WARNING: You should not use your Irishman if you are in possession of a fertile womb. Improper use may cause severe multiple pregnancies. Consult your doctor before using an Irishman. Prolonged exposure to an Irishman may cause liver disease or advanced renal failure. Lesser side effects, such as morning irritability, 'Guinness-diahorrea', dizziness, vomiting and 'hairy hands' are common. Never comine with an Englishman, may cause death. See a physician for more details.
[edit] Famous Irish People
- Oscar Wilde - of course
- Tim O'Glock - Formula 1 racing driver.
- The DEAD Kennedys.
- Barack O'Bama - 44th US president to have come from Ireland. Not to be confused with Barack O'Barman, the waiter seen flailing in Rick Astley's timeless classic Never Gonna Give You Up.
- Chuck O'Norris, the world's deadliest Irishman.
- Samuel O'Jackson - "Faith and begorrah! I've had it with the motherfecking snakes on this motherfecking plane, so I have. Now I am going to make like St Patrick and get rid of them ... by opening some windows, so I will."
- Captain O'Bvious - "These being Irish snakes, the only way you can get them to leave is to say that you've run out of Guinness, so you will."
- Y O'da - Ireland's greatest Jedi. "Go brach, Erin will!"
- Eamonn Yarlog - Africa's leading Irishman.
- Father Ted.
- Barack Obama (Known there as Barry O'Bama) President of the United States, and about 50 other ones.
- Fran Connolly the great.
- The IRA
- Peter Griffin.
- A man from County Kerry who does nothing other than hang around with two friends, one English and one Scottish, and portraying a negative stereotype of Irish people as stupid. He is said to have died either in front of a firing squad, or by stabbing himself with a fork, or by jumping out of a plane with a faulty parachute, etc etc etc.
- Frank Carson. its just the way he tells them you know...
- Paddy O'Furniture Inventor of the couch-bed, and the lesser known toilet-bed.
[edit] Irish Jokes
- Patrick went for an interview for a job on a building site. The foreman asked, 'What's the difference between a joist and a girder?' After some thought, Patrick replied, 'I think Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust'.
- Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick, two characters from an Irish joke.
- What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk
- Patrick McComicomricks--- The Only way that name could be anymore Irish is if it were Potatoes McSmallPenis.
[edit] Things that are Irish
Rugby, Nick, and everything Green is Irish. The mold on the clothes on your floor that you haven't picked up in two years is Irish. Racism is very Irish. Drunk driving is Irish. Though many would rather keep it under wraps, Irishmen (and women) are actually green skinned, being cousins of the troglodyte race. Also, the double bass was invented by Irish druidic witches, and it is well known that little green aliens are actually long lost descendants of ancient Irishmen, who come back to check up on their cousins every once in a while. All Americans are Irish or so they say. GOD him/herself is Irish. Potatoes are also Irish, first used by famous Irishman Paul Robinson (aka the Potato Hunter). After describing the local women as some of the ugliest people he had ever seen, he turned to the potato as a form of sexual pleasure, (see Rincewind, Discworld). Another important thing to remember is if you see an Irish man named Bill you must hunt and beat him. Bills are known to be very dangerous and tend to kill. Other things that are Irish include Evil. Therefore, killing a Jew through the ######## of Irish is sin! Patrick Mcmanus is an Irishman, maybe only the rarest of Irish. He may have a vagina but he doesn't have any masculity about him. As he is Irish he has one magical power and woth that power he turned Ashley Lee into an Irish. It was a painful process; he started to bleed and froth from the the mouth (beer froth) and slowly collapsed, to accept he is an Irishman
[edit] Trivia
- That book, Angela's Ashes, was totally written by an Irish guy who felt the need to let people know he lost his virginity to a girl with tuberculosis.
- Recently the irish changed their currency back from potato peel to the euro after the banks of ireland had problems with everyone eating the money
- The Irish receive sunburn from starlight, candlelight and fireworks. Consequently, the neglect to celebrate anything, and hate astronomy. "Feck stars" is a common t-shirt.
- Dubliners in Ireland, outside the city limits, are hunted, torture and killed. When found, if one rubs its face in a water-acid solution and shouts "I WANT YOUR TEARS DUB GYPSY", good luck is sure to follow!
- Leprechuans are very very small, wealthy Irish people, and have thier own government. It's adorable.
- Irish women have four wombs, hence the ability to 'drop' a 'load' of children.
- Dubliners secretly long to be British and are uncontrollably, furiously sexually aroused by all members of the British royal family.
- Ireland once invaded Canada. This was generally regarded as a bad move by all involved and is rarely talked about. Part of Canada was used for some time as a torturous prison for suspected pot-o-gold thieves. This was orginally called Guantonamarra Bay, and was later renamed Newfoundland.
- Cauliflower is highly poisinous to Irish children. Parents ofter threaten misbehaving children: "I'll shove Cauliflower in your gob, ya prick!"
- Priests in Ireland are respected and suspected in equal measure.
- Irish Wolfhounds are actually Yorkshire Terriers that have been mercilesly stretched on a rack since birth.
- It is a little known fact that everyone who emigrated from Ireland during the Great Famine, every one of them was an Irish police man or woman. Hence the proliferation of Irish American police in New York and Boston.
[edit] See also
- British-Irish relations
- Steve Staunton
- New Poland
- Ryan Tubridy
- Irish Riverdance Academy
- Radio Telefís Éireann
- Pat Kenny
- Paddy Irishman
- Gerry Ryan
- Jim Corr
- Drinking Boots
- Flogging Molly, traditional Irish sport
- Alcohol
- Drunk
- Fighting
- Tír na n-Óg
- Irish Defence Forces
[edit] External links
