Irn Bru

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“I once tasted Irn-Bru. It was like having my eyes plucked right out of my head and I awoke several days later in the middle of a field, naked, with a traffic cone stuck up my arse. ”

~ John Rambo on Irn-Bru

“...why is the Irn Bru gone?”

Irn Bru's Is Made Form Girders
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Irn Bru.

Irn-Bru is the non-alcoholic national drink of Scotland, reputedly made from Girders ,dead ginger kids and radioactive waste (which is what gives it the fluorescent glow). Possibly addictive; those who have never tasted it previously typically react by saying that it is either (a) disgusting or (b) unbelievably sweet. However those who have been exposed from infancy, however, believe it to be the most delicious drink in the known universe (including the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster). Irn-Bru, if taken in sufficient quantity along with a Scotch Pie, is widely accepted as the finest cure yet discovered for the hangover.

Irn-Bru is the lifeblood of the common or garden ned, a simple minded but aggressive creature, native to Scotland, which thrives in places such as Cumbernauld.

Irn Bru across time[edit]

Irn Bru did not, as is widely believed, congeal in A.G. Barrs bathroom. In fact it has an interesting history, one which is spattered with the blood of many a Scotsman who died to keep its secret. The secret is now widely known, but it is simply too disgusting to be detailed here, see Soylent Green

The Scots particularly Love Irn Bru as Scottish Mothers lactate Irn Bru instead of milk.

Past[edit]

It has been reported that they do have the same mind altering effects. At round about this time in history A.G. Barr tried to patent the flavour of Irn Bru but unfortunately it had already been patented under its chemical name of formaldehyde. On a side note, formaldehyde is slightly less toxic than Irn Bru. One can digest 2 litres of formaldehyde (a big boattle to the Scots) before succoming to its effects, whereas the lethal amount of 'Bru is considered to be a 750 ml bottle (or a gless cheque to the Scots). It has also been known the past to be able to enjoy Irn-Bru even though you used to be a man.

Present[edit]

By the turn of the 20th century sales of Irn Bru had begun to lift, many claimed that it was due to the drink claiming to be "made from girders". To many this seems like a strange marketing ploy but Scottish people are naturally manly (even the women) which means that any drink which could increase their manliness would be bought by the sporran-full by the Scottish population. Late in the 20th century Irn Bru sales in Russia began to lift, mainly for the same reason it sells well in Scotland.

Future[edit]

In recent years the strength of Irn Bru has waned somewhat which is deemed to be a similar marketing technique to the "New Coke" fiasco. With this in mind consumers expect a super strength Irn Bru to hit the shelves soon, or "XXX Bru". The U.N., the World Health Authority, this guy, and the Vatican, pro-life groups and the English are all against this drink hitting the shelves. The new Irn-Bru 32 is now out,aka XXX Bru, its taste isn't as good but the side effects are amazing. Since Scots started drinking it their speelin hus ampruvt 100% Wheee, orange monkeys!

Appearance[edit]

Irn Bru is bright orange in colour, so bright in fact that it glows in the dark and is the sole light source in many a windswept croft in the Highlands. It is widely thought that the Irn Bru was originally supposed to be a water substitute with no flavour or taste but the chemicals in the Clyde River where the water was taken from have altered it to the phenomenal drink we know today. This chemical has also been blamed for the hardy Scots attitude and firmly held belief that the English are wankers.

Secret Recipe[edit]

Only the direct descendants of its inventors know the true ingredients of Irn Bru. The only written record of the ingredients is a list written on the back of a cigarette packet and guarded by kilt-wearing zombie pirates in a vault 600 miles underneath George Square, Glasgow.

A recent study shows the ingredients to be... 50% Girder Rust 30% Ginger Hair 20% E124 999% Sucrose 0.000000000001% 'Rab C. Nesbit' Urine* The remaining 61% is unknown.

  • This is the most toxic substance in the known universe.

Symptoms[edit]

There are many symptoms that allow you to recognise who has consumed this orange coloured drink. The first symptom is that it gives you ginger hair all over your body (nowhere is safe). It may cause the consumer to have lack of sleep because their body starts glowing a bright orange. This can also be noticed with a rash. If drank with vodka these symptoms can be avoided and no hangover, just a lack of memory. This cocktail is named "Russian-Bru" and very popular in the Scottish pubs and clubs. I personally drink it every day and I'm fine.

It is widely acknowledged that a childhood accident with a bottle of Irn Bru was responsible for the colour of Hazel Blears' hair.

Pirates of the Caribbean and Irn Bru[edit]

Rumours have further spread that the legendary Jack Sparrow, captain of the black pearl, will be searching for the elixir of life, only to find that it is in fact, Irn-Bru. However, he is not disappointed, and instead becomes a Scotsman, dances a heelan' fling, and collapses in a fit of violent, English hating delight.

National Disasters[edit]

Irn-Bru is believed to be behind several national disasters. One of these is, the blinding of one of [Gordon Brown]]'s eyes, leaving him to replace this with a glass eye in which he won in a cage fight in the ghetto known as kirkcaldy. The former dictator of Great Britain and former labour leader was taking a refreshing sip of his favourite beverage, Irn-Bru, when he was knocked into by another pupil just as he was tilting his head back to finish the can causing a drop from his can to be knocked from the can directly into his eye causing it to immediately disintegrate into ash with a puff of smoke and loud pop.

Irn-Bru is also rumoured to be the number one cause behind global warming however these are just unconfirmed rumours.

Side Effects of Irn Bru[edit]

  • becoming scottish
  • ginger hair
  • genetic mutations
  • random outbursts of english hating, fowl-mouthed language that will will leave your great, great, grandmother turning in her grave
  • infertility
  • voting SNP

See also[edit]