Isle of Man
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An Island that believes incest counts as a daily activity
“Hope he stays the hell away from the Virgin Islands. They're mine.”
~ Cyprus on Isle of Man
“No Man is an Island”
~ John Donne No Research
“I'll Be Back!”
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on Isle of Man
“My real home is Lapland but in the summer I come here to try and make Friends”
~ Christian Davis on Isle Of Gay Man
“If there's an Isle of Man, how come there can't be an Isle of Woman??”
~ Pimp
“ You Gotta Watch That Your Not Caught Alive In Willaston. ”
~ Keith Kewley
“We are well gayer than you. Wait... we aren't.”
~ The Island of Lesbos
“Saddlestone, the Beverly Hills of the Isle of Man.”
~ unknown
“Ah, good old Isle of Man-y People”
~ Manx Land
| |||||
| Motto: "traa di liooar" (trans.: "In apathy we.. ah, forget it!") | |||||
| Population | Vikings-2,345
Druids-3,247 Alcoholics-80,058 Manx SAS Its an elite force of alcoholics who drink pure ethanol and smoke anything they find. They will destroy your breweries if the supply of delicious booze does not satsify their daily need of 261 gallons.They are centered a t the telephone box at creggnesh. No-one can join them your are born into the role and once you have become one you can never leave or else they will send at the mighty david Cannan to reclaim your life for a greater use. Mages-8,452 Felinoids-1,544 | ||||
| Area | 24.7sq Kilometers | ||||
| Form of Government | "Democracy, and we thought of it first, after the Greeks, that is" | ||||
| Current Monarch | King Captain D | ||||
| Currency | Manx Groat | ||||
| Capital City | Douglas Adams | ||||
| Religion | Protestant (required by law), Alcoholisim | ||||
| National Past-times | Fishing, Napping, Grooming themselves, Drinking, Racism, Foreigner Beating | ||||
The Isle of Man (pronounced "I Love Man" or after political-correctness reforms, "Isle of Homo sapiens sapiens") is a small island-nation located just off the west coast of England Classic. Though it certainly exists in one fashion or another, many lawmakers argue as to the existence of the island due to a controversial act passed by British Parliament during the short-lived reign of the French Surrealists Party in 1926, declaring the island as non-existent. This act has never been revoked.
For avoidance of doubt if you die in the Isle of Man you also die in real life.
For those who keep asking, the Isle of Man bears absolutely no resemblance to Guy Harris. Really.
Contents |
[edit] The War of (A)isles
The country of New England in 1985 confused and enraged many after declaring war on the Isle of Man for violating naming-equity laws. The name was found to be offensive to feminists and grocery store clerks, who could not agree on a proper name replacement. While feminists wished the new name to be the "Isle of Human", grocers preferred "Aisle C". Following a series of competitions, including the tabor toss, lute playing, Pong, swimsuit competitions, wet t-shirt competitions, and round-robin death matches, the feminist argument was declared victor.
Despite the supposed lack of the Isle's existence, New England still managed to be defeated, and the Isle's name was never changed. This victory has called into question the right to non-existence of the Isle.
[edit] The Tynwald Parliament
The Isle of Man boasts (yes, it's always boasting) the oldest parliament in the world - the Tynewald (pronounced tinny-wayldee by Australians). It consists of a small grassy hill on which old men dressed in leather togas shout to the assembled sheep in a semi-extinct language that even they (the old men, that is, not the sheep) don't understand every year or so (Cf. the House of Lords).
The IOM is also notable for not having abolished birching, which it carries out on rowdy northern tourists from time to time.
[edit] History of an Enchanted Island
The Isle of Man was said to have formed when a giant living in Ireland named Finn McCool (cheesy but true) threw a chunk of Ireland at some scottish fuck-o. Shockingly, it missed and landed in the sea and made the Isle of Man. Then vikings came and people lived there with Manannán mac Lir who, like, ruled the place. Then people were born and people died and people didn't. Then the TT Races (Tourist Trophy Races) started, then you started reading about it. In 1999 our first and only McDonalds opened followed by our only KFC in 2002. It has been annouced that we still don't have a Burger King or Pizza Hut.
[edit] Myth, Legend and Folklore
In the Manx tradition of folklore, there are many stories of mythical creatures, characters and gays. These include the Buggane, a malevolent spirit who according to legend blew his load making the roof of St Trinian's fly off the Church in a fit of pique. The Fenodyree, a magical gay creature that looks human only it's fucked so much it makes Quazi Modo look like a page three model, no I'm not talking about the residents of this island, it's real... they walk around Strand Street everyday and are everywhere. The Glashtyn, a white water horse that likes water and the Moddey Dhoo, a ghostly black dog who wandered the walls and corridors of Peel Castle. But all these mysteries were solved thanks to five meddling kids and their dumb dog.
[edit] Language
The national language of Isle of Man is Manx. Manx is spoken by Billie Emott, Roger Huskins, John Coleman and Laura Cymran. Billie, howewer, only knows a few phrases concerning harvest of barley, and Laura suffers from amnesia. Roger Huskins knows enough Manx to order a pie in the local pub, were there anyone there to listen to him.
There are also native accents on this bizzare yet magical place, maily used by chavs. Some words heard minutely are "Alright there, yessir?" translated to english means "Greetings and salutations old chap, fine day isn't it?" also heard is "Ya What dick'ed?" in english is "What was that I just heard you say, you ghastly being?"
[edit] Travel
Amongst the few who have visited this non-existent location, the most often-shared anecdote frequently mentions the lack of celery to be a basis of national pride on the Isle. It is uncertain where this value originates, but it is certain that it does certainly not exist.
- Bus, on time 24/7... much;
- Taxi, £400 from the sea terminal to the death site of Manx Land.
- Steam Train, go to Port Erin;
- Electric Railway, fun fun fun on the bun;
- Horse Tram, Oh Lord, so very much crap.
- Plane, Good old Easy Jet.
- Boat, no deaths since
March 24th 1991December 11th 2008.
What are you waiting for?! Get on over ;)
If you are unfortunate enough to ever encounter the Isle of Man there is currently no way of getting back to the mainland. This, along with constant rain, the smell of rotting shrimp, large earthworms devouring buildings, zombies, strange wandering people who murmur strange smutterings and the inability to build anything due to strong winds makes living on the Isle of Man just that bit harder, so come now and book your one trip holiday to the Isle of Man and make something more out of your summer, book online, by phone or by post.
[edit] Economy
The island's economy comes mainly from fishing and farming, though, recently, they have begun exporting kittens for huffing. Into recent centuries the Isle of Man has become over-filled with the really really hot 14 year old prostitutes who work on friday and saturday nights (only found on the douglas promenade) they WILL be drunk, but who isn't on this island. You can also bet on fights with the 'hard' chavs that walk around with their trousers tucked under their socks (yes... it's still going on!) just watch out if you're a tourist as the chavs will try to man-handle you in any way possible, you can tell if they will because they walk around with their hands in their pants.
[edit] Food
The most commonly eaten food on the Isle of Man is in fact, chips cheese & gravy, which they eat only because they are always hungry and full of vodka red bull. Many Manx phrases have to do with chips; the rest have to do with how much they hate the Irish, such as the common phrase, "Hit him, he's Irish." (seriously, it's true). This phrase will always lead to the accused being beaten to a bloody pulp and leave the jolly old irish man close to death, whether or not he's actually Irish (you can never be too safe.)
[edit] The Calf of Man
The calf of man is a rock at the bottom of the island which is pretty pointless. Used as a bird sanctuary and local drug spot it serves no purpose to anyone who does not wear a mac-in-a-sac or have an eye patch! This is the rumoured home of Big Bird from Sesame Street along side Emu. Heavy currents surround this small island that makes the Isle of Man the 'Mainland' the swarm of heavey currents and whirlpools often prevent local druggies accessing their favorite drug spot, also prevents them from throwing 'packages'(of crab salad), into the sea and coming back for them later to hide from police... we still try.
[edit] Pablo
Pablo(the creeper)Fernando Morientes, is an urban legend of the manx community, commenly mistaken as the 457th lord of mann. This fine specimin used to work 89 hour shifts at the Co-op but was fired so that they could afford George(the fatty)Quillan's unreasnablely large wage demands, (as he is somewhat a celebrity due to his weight) and there for the only reason many people venture down south, except for the marine biological station. He was then demoted to the famed Mccdonalds leagues where he worked for specifically 12 minuits and 13 seconds as there was insufficiant pasta on the menu. He currently resides in isle 5 of Jurby Junk and own a cat named Elemander Susan. And is cool in East Anglia.
[edit] Speed Limits
Amazingly the island has no national speed limit meaning that you're 10 times more likely to die here than anywhere else (this may also be due to the large ammounts of leprosy going around) but it also provides great fun. Think of Formula One racing, with cliff edges and sheep. Also, there is no restriction on the drug known as speed; this pleases many of the youth, who you can find wondering the streets at midday with dazed looks on their faces and small bits of drool coming out of their mouths. The irony is that the inhabitants have not yet discovered how to use electricity, seeing the one electrical feature of the island to be a reincarnation of satan. This is very unlike the Channel Islands as those unlucky bastards have 20 MPH signs everywhere, except their busiest road which is 10.
[edit] The TiTy races
Once a year, a few thousand hairy bikers arrive from Germany for their annual pilgrimage to watch a few suicidal idiots race their TITY bikes around the 37.75 mile course. This is boastfully (again boasting!) the longest road track course in the world. You are likely to find that the majority of people throughout the 2 week festival can be found outside, inside, around, and ontop of the Bushy's (local ale) tent on the promenade. The police take it easy over these two weeks, meaning strippers walk topless down the promenade, and there is general seizure inducing fun all around. Also check out the "World-famous" TT funfair where you can ride classic rides like the Waltzer at a massive cost of £4 a go. Watch out for both the attendants (they'll rob your money and phone) and men in long grey coats.
[edit] Nightlife
Incest, heavy drinking (which leads to incest), bestiality, or fuck all. Usally nightlife ends at 5.26 pm. Not all life ends around 5.30 pm though, some people will spend at another 16 minutes to finish off their hobbies; such as, watching grass grow, counting grass or even licking windows.
[edit] Quotes about the Isle of Man
"The Isle of Man does not exist. Man is not an Isle!" -- Tim Curry
"No! Man is an island! -- John Donne
"I am NOT an Isle!" -- The Elephant Man
"Every summer we can rent a cottage, in the Isle of Man, if it's not too dear. We shall scrimp and save." -- The Rutles
"What?! We've run out tripods again?" -- Oscar Wilde
"Hah! I mega-killed the Isle Man a long time ago" -- Mega Man
"Your mum is an island. You fat" -- Alex Bell The Gay Fat Boy Also known as a prolific paedophile
"Whatever happened to the Isle of Woman?"--David Walliams
"I never thought I'd find a place with more Jews, Gypsies and Homosexuals than Germany, but this place takes the biscuit!"-Hitler
"We took the best bits from our neighbours. The kilts from the Scottish, the ale from the Irish, and the sheep from the Welsh. We just hate the English! " -- Alex Brindley, local clown
"Hey, this place is like a grimier, less sunny version of us." -- The Channel Islands
"Fuck me. A whole article about the Isle of Man and nobody's mentioned incest." -- Plato
"Hey! I'm incest... problem with that? GAYYYYYYYY BOYYYYYY It Hurts Meeee!" -- Richard Cowley, local in Maughold
"We are all veyr cleva ova here we aer, i got an 'F' in englich me, i iz good" Local genius
"We're all babes on this desert island" Marc Bonser
"Alright there, yessir?" Chav (Joe Coyle. who recently got set on fire by Cuthbert's hair after a marathon gay session)
"I'm going to Raaaaaamsey to get a paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaastie yessir!!!" Michael "The One and Only" Brennan and Ashley Convery
"It's much too dark for me here, I'm off back to binland." Sir Stuart Wallace as featured in the Beastie Boys music video, Sabotage
[edit] Feminist War
Because the name of island basicly says that it is island, which owners are male, feminist's don't like the island, and don't like its name. They insist that the name of island must be changed as "Isle of Wo/Man" or "Isle of Person". Before in flag has three legged symbol, so they change it. "Three legs" was too masculine, and that give dirty thoughts.
the women never got there wish but instead in 1589 women got revenge with the passing of the anti-tetis act which states that people have to be shipped to the isle of man by barge, usually from foreign countries such as jersey or geurnsey every 20 years or so.this is because any males born on the isle of man must have their testis chopped off at birth. this gives the local hotpital its name; no balls hospital. the women are pleased with this as not all truly born manxmen are no longer 'dominent'.
See Strand Street and wach everyone taking more interest in themselves than anyone else. That is ofcourse, unless you are amazed about how great they look.
[edit] See also
Barmy British Stuff | Northern Europe | Channel Islands · Denmark · Estonia · Faroe Islands · Finland · Guernsey · Iceland · Ireland · Isle of Man · Latvia · Lithuania · Norway · Old Jersey · Sealand · Svalbard · Sweden · United Kingdom | 
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| Western Europe | Austria · Belgium · Corsica · France · Germany · Liechtenstein · Luxembourg · Monaco · Netherlands · Switzerland | |
| Eastern Europe | Belarus · Bulgaria · Czech Republic · Hungary · Moldova · Poland · Romania · Russia · Slovakia · Ukraine | |
| Southern Europe | Albania · Andorra · Balearic Islands · Bosnia and Herzegovina · Croatia · Cyprus · Gibraltar · Gozo · Greece · Italy · Kosovo · Macedonia · Madeira · Malta · Montenegro · Portugal · San Marino · Serbia · Sicily · Slovenia · Spain · Vatican City |
