Israel

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עמק יזרעאל
The Schmenklic Empire of Jewistan
YieזЯÆΛ

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "If I told you, Mossad would have to kill you"
Anthem: Iron Lion Zion "Hava Nargila," sung to the tune of South Park Diva El El Israel
Capital	jew town
Largest city	Tehran
Official languages	Russian, Hebrew & Yiddish
Government	Israeli
Prime Minister	Imelda Marcos
King	Moses
National newspaper	puppy with a kipah on his head
National party	Kadima (Means "Straight")
Eurovision Song Contest winner	Miri Ben-Ari, the Thrash metal saxophonist
National Hero(es)	the man who invented humus Arik Sharon, Mickey Marcus, Ariel Sharon the Zohan
Declaration of Independence	2006
Currency	Falafel balls/Koosh balls and latkas
Religion	Euro, Shekel & Dollar, also known as Judaism
Area	5,800 m² - 189,000 km²
The best selling book about Israel in the eyes of Jewbacca.
Opening hours	Sundays through Fridays - 9 AM to 11 PM, Saturdays - CLOSED
Internet TLD	.ju

“Where there is sorrow there is holy ground.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Huh. They told me this was the way to Palestine...”

~ Confused Muslim on Israel

“You killed my son? now you're gonna pay the price forever mwuahaha”

~ God on Israel

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Israel.

Jewtopia or otherwise known by its official name, The Schmenklic Empire of Jewistan (Hebrew: ישראל, Yiddish: יאעסרעאעעייל, Binary: 100101011001. English: The Kike Reich. American: Foreign Aid Black Hole, 1337: H01Y L4ND U F***ing n00b, Arabic: Palestine) is the only gay nightclub in the Middle East, run by Vin Diesel. It is well known for the army-techno outfit of its bouncers. It is in fact so popular that a number of entrances are required to co-ordinate the club-goers. The dress code, through a stroke of trendy genius, comprises of sandals and a Yamulka as the only requirement. These are known as checkpoints, and the queues are especially long on the side of the Phillistines, few of whom are admitted to the established arts venue.

A 1980s spin-off of Fabric in London, it has attracted Poles, Russians and Germans especally among other party-goers. It is the sister-club of Golder's Green in North London, England, and Brooklyn in New York. A favourite theme night is Demolition!!!, where groups of industrial Kibbutz owners drive Caterpillar tractors. Another favourite night is Blow-UP!!, where members fill condoms with helium, and float them over all the middle east, just to piss them off. Israel is often described by Actors as the promised land Israel was big for drag racing in the 1960s, when the manager was the world-renowned drag racer Mother Teresa.

[edit] O RLY?

It is difficult to talk about Israel without running into controversy. Indeed, the topic is so sensitive that any attempt to ascertain the facts about it could easily make the situation over there worse than it already is. For this reason, what follows is deliberately erroneous, poorly put together and badly sppellled. All in the name of peace, you understand? It's a country where even the disputes it is involved in are currently being disputed by it's people (who all sound angry American-ish mixed with a bit of evil Dutch. No REALLY they do! Listen to one on the news, honest!). What can be said with certainty, however, is that Israel might be a thing. Or it might not be. It's all a matter of perspective.

But the fact that's made Israel world widely known is that through the time, so many people, scientists, bean men, singers, labours, Persians, Greeks, Arabs, Jews, Christians, Muslims, Turks, Anglo-Saxons, Frenches, Russians, Baha'ullah, Prophet Muhammad, Prophet Buddha, Prophet Jesus, Prophet Moses, and, reportedly, Elvis Presley (Hebrew: אליהו לוחץ-לו) in 2002.

[edit] History

[edit] Wasrael

Israel is first mentioned in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, version 2.08beta, within a list of places where light seemingly travels slower than rumours.

It is also mentioned in the Bible, but christians refuse to believe so. If you were to show a mention of Israel in the Bible to a Christian, you are likely to get a response along the lines of, "Israel? Where? I ain't seein' no Israel, dawg. It's probably the Matrix." The Pope was shown the passage and proceeded to electrocute it with his fingers and force - strangle a nun.

[edit] Ancient Israel

Originally, it was a website, Jewdar, where Jews could chat to other Jews about Jew issues, maybe meet up after work and take it from there. For many centuries, this was a thriving Internet community and it came up with a whole range of in-jokes, ranging from cutting off the end of your knob to shrugging. Notable members included Moses, Woody Allen, Jesus, and Kyle from South Park. It was at this site that Jews all over the world decided that their international currency would be glass pearls, as it still is, making it the top one priority of the Israeli secret police to stop the production of fake glass pearls. These are made in great tunnel networks by underpaid Palestinians and are made of hollow plastic.

However, the site came under threat when a flame war started with members of a user-forum for the popular Nero CD-burning software. This resulted in Jewdar being shut down and replaced with a holding page for nearly 2000 years.

[edit] Establishment of the State of Israel

Israel's state, according to Palestinean authorities.

Some scholars believe that in 1905 or so, a bunch of Jews convened in a massive juice Convention, somewhere in Scandinavia, with the goal of creating Israel. However, the truth is that Israel was secretly contrived as part of Oprah's plan of taking over the world, to be complete in 2666. Oprah then used her l33t mind-control skillz to place the idea in the heads of the unsuspecting Jewish leaders. Today, those same leaders have provided every citizen in the state of Israel with a free car.

[edit] Israel today

An Israeli supermodel.

Some scholars believe that the Convention painstakingly worked to invent the ultimate government. After months of befuddlement, an answer suddenly appeared as if by divine epiphany. The new Israel would be governed by a three-branch government, consisting of everyone's mothers-in-law, The Council of Every Guy who Ever Tried to sell you an Insurance Policy, and The Select Council of Telemarketers from the Sabra Home Shopping Network. It was believed this would work better than the previous system of taking a poll of ten Israeli cabdrivers and falafel vendors, since they were considered to be too much a part of the political elite, and not accessible enough to the average citizen. This would include a council who got messages straight from God. Theoretically, as long as the king listened to the prophet, nothing could go wrong-- at all (see: "other jewish kings" chapter in Jewish History).

Some scholars believe that this hardly ever happened, though. Some scholars believe that the most startling failure of the Jewish kings was in the year 2000 when Queen Ehud ignored a message from the Polish president and instead went out to lunch with Camp David, a friend of Bill Clinton. After one too many Bacardi and cokes, Queen Ehud agreed that the Jews would give Israel back to the Arabs just so long as they would be allowed to hang on to New York.

Palestinian stone throwers confused the Israelis at first, with Israeli's health level dropping as low as 10%. That was until they found the locker hidden in a dark room under the stairs, and in it this BFG10K. Nice.

There is still an unresolved issue about the geographical location of Israel. Two UN bureaus, UEFA and Eurovision, strongly believe that Israel is a western-central European country. There are plans to build a border between Iceland and Israel, just to make the thing more official. A second school of geography advanced by the UN's archnemesis, the United Nations, insists that, since Israel is the only country in the UN not allowed to hold a seat on the UN Security Council, it follows that Israel must not belong to any of the five global geographic regions recognized in the UN, and therefore must not be on the planet Earth. (See UN Global Fatwahs under the reign of the Supreme Being of the Present Known Universe, His Exigency the Wrought Honourable Sir Kofi Annan.)

[edit] Willrael

Snail-based internet protocol.

Some scholars believe that things are looking up for Israel both economically and technologically, they argue that a significant and unending oil deposit was found under the glaciers of the Negev desert, and golden nuggets are now officially a part of any dignified hailstone dropped upon the surface. Also, another sign pointing to Israel's economic success is that Israeli scientists managed to harness the power of moving snails carrying CDs as a new source of telecommunications, estimated 20 times faster than DSL. The most compelling argument, however, is that Israel possesses a cleaning material called "Economica".

Some debate the existence of Israel. Palestinians still fail to refer to it as such, but instead identify it as "NeverhasbeenRael." The UN and Israel (as we know it) are attempting to unify Palestine and Israel in order to form a new nation: Keepin'itRael. Iran on the otherhand has made known its determination for military action, they currently refer to the nation as "SoonwillnotbeRael"

[edit] WillbeRael

Some scholars believe that things are less optimistic in terms of foreign diplomacy. It is well known that Israel does not have an army, but it is rumoured that ninja chickens are on their way after finally conquering Brazil. George W. Bush stated his forces are preoccupied in the War on Terrorism, back in Fairyland, so USA will not be able to help their great ally Israel this time, but a White House insider tells us that some scholars believe that Bush changed his mind after reading the second sentence in this paragraph.

Ongoing trade talks with the Japanese are hoped to lead to an exchange of technology, in which Israel shall get the technology to create and control Godzilla, built gigantic robots, and create and deploy magical girls for reasons of warfare, all in exchange for a really good chicken recepie stored in Solmon's vault under the "Dome of the Rock". Divisions of female ICF (Israeli Chicken-ninja Force) members are already being trained for future use as pilots of gigantic robots or magical girls for when the technology will become available.

[edit] Politics

The Israeli armed forces doing their part to save Japan from Godzilla.

The current king, prime minister, president and minister of beaf of Israel is Ehud Olmert. The rest of the Israeli politicians (also known as "some scholars") have to do exactly what he says, or he will expose himself to them. The current ruling party is Likud, short for "Lick wood", also known as "Salem, the wood-licking witches that will divide Jerusalem".

In the upcoming elections for the second Knesset, the clear favourites are Likud; yet, one of the following parties could give them some fight:

• Israeli Labor Party, also known as "Orphaned Land", the party that will multiply Jerusalem.
• Betzefer, the party that will add Jerusalem.
• Kadima, also known as Melechesh, the party that will integrate Jerusalem with respect to Tel-Aviv.
• Bishop of Hexen, the party that will subtract Jerusalem from Jerusalem artichoke and then choke in an artistic manner.
• Abrahuumic, English translation: More Smiting, Less Peace Party, aim to 'Remove the Palestinian Problem'.

[edit] Policies

It is quite clear that anyone who opposes Israel is a Nazi. But really it's the Israelis that are Nazis, even though they're Jews, but they're still Nazis. So in conclusion, anyone who supports, does not oppose, does not support, or opposes Israel is a Nazi. Wait, how does that work? I'm confused, what's a Nazi again? Is that Russia? Hold on, where's Russia? It's in the middle east I think.

People usually mistake Israels Happiness-Rays, Health-Machines, Food Packages and Candy Corn Spray for Oppression, Tanks, Bombs and Flamethrowers accordingly. But this is wrong, in reality the Israelis are actually very nice to the Palestinians, realy, they hang out with them like, all the time. Palestine gets invited to parties, and barbecues, and, and, and, they sometimes just hang out in the house they share, cause they go waaaaaaay back. Cause Israel and Palestine, they're really bestest friends in the WHOOOOOOOOLE world. This one time, they got soooo wasted, and their gods got pissed, so they had to disappear for a while. This other guy, Ottoman, he took care of their crib while they were in Europe, and then he died, but this other cool guy Britain took it for them, and gave it back to Israel after he got kicked out of Europe. But then Palestine got evicted, but they're still cool.

• Stealing land from Palestinians
• Turning the deserts into forrests
• Invading, and being invaded by, neighbours
• Provoking Lebanon and Jordan
• Encouraging Western Countries to "take care of" Iran
• Winning Nobel Prizes

[edit] See also

Vin Diesel, Israel's current modeler, in front of the flag

• Arab-Israeli Conflict
• Stone the Israeli Tank
• Jewish History
• Zionists Anonymous
• Eincyclopedia
• Mossad
• Maccabi Tel-Aviv
• Hebrew
• Humus
• Wild Jews

[edit] External links

• Net'n'Yahoo!, The Unofficial Home Page of the Former Israeli Prime Minister
• Eincyclopedia
• Yiddish Wikipedia Israel entry
• George Costanza for the Presidency