It’s Ok to Lie if it Makes Only You Miserable

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"Do you, Jacob William Kendal take Elizabeth Monica Clarke to be you’re lawfully wedded wife?"

Fuck, do I? Do I really want to ride on this train wreck? I mean look at her, that flabby bit sticking out of her cleavage like a third tit – and that dress is so unflattering – what the fuck was she thinking – what the fuck am I thinking!? Oh damn it I haven’t answered yet – it’s not as if I’m announcing the winner of American Idol for fucks sake! Although I am sort of gonna lie, is it ok to lie? Probably. It’s ok to lie if it makes only you miserable.

I take a deep breath.

I object!”



Like A Virgin[edit]

First day of my senior year of high school. Another reason to have to visit Dr. Brown every Monday. Hopefully everyone will have forgotten about last year's incident. But even if they did they will remember as soon as they see Mrs. Randall following me around. What am I, autistic? I can just imagine what they're going to say,

"You're in suicide watch!"

I am going to be the school freak! Well, I was already the school freak but now they have a reason.

I spent all morning smoking weed in the bathroom, hoping I won't get caught for truancy. I hear the lunch bell, relieved cause I was starting to get the munchies. I slowly walk to the cafeteria. On my way there I see John Hubbert, the most popular guy in school. He approaches me with his friends.

"Hey, freak." he says raising his fist.

I started running as fast as I could throughout the school and after running almost a mile I went inside a door. I heard them laughing among my deep breathing and knew I had done something stupid. I looked around. This was the boy's locker room, but there was no one. I heard a funny sound and walked to the source. There was a girl seating in one of the benches. She was wearing nothing but a bra, and I really mean nothing. She didn't notice me at first because she was too busy putting her finger in her, uh, vagina!?!

She was masturbating! She turned around and saw me. She stopped masturbating and approached me with a look in her face I've only seen before in lesbian porn. She grabbed my head and pushed it against her, uh, breast. I felt nauseous and fell to the floor. She threw something at my face that kept me from seeing what was going on and made me even more nauseous. It was her bra! After that I just kept hearing moaning, (most of it from me). I was unable to get the bra off my face because she was holding down my hands so tightly I thought my hands were going to fall off. She took the bra off my face and put her breast against my face like before, except this time she was wearing no bra! I threw up and passed out.

I woke up in the nurse's office. I looked around and saw this guy that smiled at me when I saw him. I smiled back to be nice. He then turned around and when I saw the other side of his head I noticed there was a pencil shoved into his left eyeball. I turned around feeling like I was going to throw up again. Some girls came in giggling. They were cheerleaders.

"Look Sissi, your boyfriend is back up." one of them said.

I did it with Sissi Clarke? She was the school whore and the only cheerleader that wasn't anorexic. But the bad part was that she was John Hubbert's girlfriend!

"What about John?" I asked.

"Oh, don't worry about him. He got expelled for cutting off the index finger in your left hand." she said calmly.

"What!" I looked under the covers and looked at my left hand. It was fine.

"Ooops, I meant your right hand."

I looked at my right hand. My index finger was missing.

"When did this happen?" I said pissed.

"While you were unconscious and the nurse was smoking the weed she found in your pocket, but can you really blame him I mean after watching that video..."

"What video?" I asked suddenly.

"My friends were filming me with their phones when I was masturbating and kept filming after you got there." she explained.

Of course! Each week Sissi released a sex tape with John or a video of her masturbating through the school website that could be downloaded for $5.

Me and Sissi began dating and from that point on life started to look pretty good. For about a month.

After dating for a few weeks, Sissi invited me to meet her parents. They lived in a huge house. It was very fancy. There were pools and lots of female servants wearing pink bunny ears in their heads. Their uniforms looked a little tight but they showed no discomfort. Her dad was old and hairy and kind of reminded me of Teddy Roosevelt but blonde. Her mom looked latino and wore the same uniform as the servants. She died her hair blonde and looked kind of like what you'd expect a MILF to look like. I never really got to talk with her mom though because she kept going back and forth serving us cocktails but I did get to talk to her dad. He seemed pretty nice. During dinner Sissi's phone ranged and her dad asked one of the servants to get it for her. As soon as the servants saw the cell phone's screen they started giggling. Mr. Clarke asked them to pass it to him. He pressed a button and I knew what he was watching. Man, do I really moan like that? I sounded like a girl in a bondage movie. He smiled at the beginning, obviously entertained. Then I heard an "Eeeeeuuu!" from the phone and knew what part he was watching. He slammed the phone in the table. He stared angry at me breathing heavily. Thinking back he kind of looked like a monkey, a gorilla to be exact.