Ithaca

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Ithaca is a harsh, EXTREMELY conservative city - probably the most conservative city in the state of New York. The world may never know. Or Care. Its so conservative, Fox News is centrallized there, Karl Rove lives there, and Darth Vader was probably looking for a vacation home around it.


History[edit]

Born in 420 B.C. (Bud), Ithaca was a crack-child raised by a Celtic mother and a black Jewish father. and wolves. and deer. Rumor has it that Carl Sagan delivered the infant. Ithaca was a child of the earth, covered in dirt and smelling of skunk cabbage. At an early age, Ithaca was exposed to grass. The green kind. That smells like weed. As in pot. Ithaca made a nest out of this substance, and has been relaxing in it ever since. Ithaca's first love was Mary Jane. 'IT' and MJ have never been married, but do have two kids - both are movies about Spiderman. The parents are particularly proud when their kids hang upside down in the rain and create the POWER OF THE SUN within a small bite-sized package.

Truth is, God created Ithaca because He hates New York and souls. But we don't discuss the truth here, just the unpleasant realities.

The Hippie Invasion[edit]

Since the 1960s, Ithaca has been infested with dirty hippies. They began to come in a pilgrimage to what many acid-heads believed to be the new Mecca; along the way, they got lost and started camping at the south of Cayuga Lake, very quickly adapting to Ithaca's rich earthy soil, and - like kudzu - spread like cancer. Ithaca has accepted this problem, and despite numerous treatments - such as the addition of the Pyramid Mall (which in no way resembles a pyramid), ghosts, penecillin, and the annual Hippie Hunt - IT has been unable to rid itself of the infection.

SAW[edit]

Furthermore, a handful of Ithaca residents - the ones who are neither dirty hippies nor acidheads - have developed a mild fascination with the movie SAW. They can be seen parading around town, often dressed in similar t-shirts, hoodies and mesh shorts, yelling the word "SAW" and laughing hysterically at themselves.

"SAW" is also often paired with the phrase, "LOST LOSMAN MARSHAWN." Alone, these four words admittedly don't make much sense. When said consecutively, however, they become the greatest thing ever.

Just try it. "SAW LOST LOSMAN MARSHAWN." See? It's fantastic.

The Infamous Winter[edit]

Ithaca celibrates the month of Winter 364 days a year, and on weekends moves from upstate New York to a Greek island in the South Pacific. Weather is a myth in Mythaca, where one minute of snow could actually be a lifetime of H-E-double hockey sticks. The phrase "A snowball's chance in hell" was coined in Ithaca, describing the chance of snow in May, June or July. (Quite likely!) Ithaca has four seasons: Winter, EXTREME Winter, Nuclear Winter and August. Each year, Nuclear Winter is protested by the hippies, who hate anything modern.

Dance Party Info![edit]

Because of Ith's diversity from Ith's universities, religion has been a troubling subject for Ith, not knowing which denomination was right. For a while, Ith just followed the American trend and celebrated Santa Claus, giver of presents and life and herpes to all. Soon it became clear that herpes wasn't for everyone, and Ith started thinking about The Man. And yes, I do mean Bill Nye the Science Guy. Nye, a Cornell alumnus, is known to have created the universe by accident while attempting to clone Pamela Anderson's breasts. He has been quantum traveling throughout spacetime ever since and has been spotted in Ithaca yesterday, tomorrow and last Tuesday... of 2124. Because the truth was unveiled to Ith, his memory was erased through magical time warping headie blunts, and Ith has been lost in false religions ever since. In 1986, 'Christmas Break' was deemed unchristian, since it failed to recognize the 3% of the population who celibrated Chanukchakhchkh. the break was renamed 'Ch****** Break' - open to either interpretation. Then one day some wack dude was like 'I don't believe in EITHER!' just to screw everything over. The break was renamed 'Holiday Recess' to include Kwanzaaaaaa, New Year's and Ted Danson's birthday, though it was later revealed that Ted Danson did not have a soul and therefore did not deserve a holiday. Some Oriental feller also claimed that not "everyone" started their calendars at this time, and Kwanzaaaaaa was ruled by the Supreme Court in 1998 to be not real. Also, some schmoe said 'What if I choose to be Pagan and only celibrate the Solstice?! How do you like me now? Huh!?' This led to the outbreak of the Snowball War of '93. By the end there was so much slush you could soak a puppy with what you carried inside your house. This also led to the argument against calling the break a 'Recess' - since there were no promised swings, seesaws, slides or playgrounds. Not soon after, it was decided that some 'people' might not celebrate anything, and 'Holiday' was removed from the title.

The break was subsequently known as 'Winter Break', until an Australian exchange student pointed out that his family was celebrating summer, and a crippled boy became offended by the hurtful connotations of the word 'Break'. That left nothing but a buncha days to not go to school. Ever since, those days off of school at the end of December in Ithaca have been known as "F*** School For a Week" Week. This name is synonymous with any week chosen for celebration by Ithaca High School seniors.

For New Year's - Ithaca decided to go snowboarding, but broke it's foot on a glacier. Luckily, it was just a monkey, so the Finger Lakes formed as a result. As a sub-consequence, vineyards sprouted surrounding the area, as grapes were squished into wine. Now everyone gets drunk on New Year's to commemorate falling. or slipping. or drinking. or forgetting. Probably forgetting. I dunno, I durnk 2 masiado.

Ithacas Famous Last Words.. Er... Mottos[edit]

Its mottos include "Ithaca is Borges" and "Ten Square Miles surrounded by MORE square miles."

The square miles surrounding Ithaca[edit]

Dryden! It's the smallest shithole of a town in the universe, filled with trailor parks, and the kids of Dryden are unfortunately led to believe that they are the suburb of a great city. Dryden is best known for its many cows and manure supply. There are at least four trailer parks in the area, and a bunch of the houses are actually apartments rented out to crackheads.

  • tractor man*

The tractor guy of Dryden, an ex-child molester, rides around on his tractor in search for prey. Of course, he is too fat to walk, but he attempts. His nephew also rides a tractor, and might actually be a bit fatter. There is a man that rides around on a bicycle collecting bottles and cans as well.

The Anti-Ithaca[edit]

Ithaca's arch nemesis, the great and powerful Wal-Mart, has descended upon "IT", despite a bunch of hippies futily (fruitilly?) trying to protest by giving flowers to everyone. Fortunately, the Eeevil W.M. is powerless against Ithaca's love of the small business. Due to this fact alone, Ithaca & "The Little Engine that Could" will conquer all. It is clearly documented in "Compassion of the Chris".

Famous (and Infamous) Ithacans[edit]