JC of Glace Bay
JC of Glace Bay (Born: -.4865 seconds of Big Bang)Considered by many to be the informational nexxus and spiritual hub of the sprawling metropolis of Glace Bay, NS. JC of Glace Bay continues to provide meaning for the thousands of his followers at the Little River.
Many of his loyal flock have worked hard to bring his teaching into volume known as The Book of JC, but fear possible copywrite infrindgement. In the meantime there is a small collections of the random facts surrounding his life and works. This really should not be viewed as a list. The line numbers are a reference to the original high, holy text that exists in the form a parchent made from JC of Glace Bay's discarded sub-sandwich wrappers. It is important to note that this is a living text. Being thus, it will continue to expand as does JC's beloved and sacred mid-section.
A Few Things Everyone Should Know About JC:
In the begining, ....And God said, "Let there be light... is that right, JC? That's what I'm supposed to be doing now?" JC's birthplace has become known as the New Holy Land.
The Chuck Norris list is as long as it is because JC allows it.
Kim Jong Il will not pursue a nuclear weapons program for as long as JC tells him not to pursue one.
JC has a sense of fair play and has decided to take his name out of the running for sexiest man alive, so celebraties have a chance.
Whatever JC decides to call you, that's your name, official records will be changed accordingly.
All martial arts and ablities are poor imitations of JC's natural state of being... this continues because it amuses JC... for now.
It was rumoured that JC liked streams, hence an international call-center corporation decided on their name in order to curry favour.
Quality has stopped listening to JC's calls. 100% was not nearly enough to accurately assess all that he does.
Alternative energy sources are not being used because JC thinks the human race is not ready for them.
Global warming will not destroy the planet... JC just decided to make the temperature more comfortable for himself.
Due to recent events any new speeches or statements from the Vatican have to be approved by JC.
Weapons of mass destruction will be found where, if, and when JC decides, period.
Windows OneCare, and any other Microsoft program, will work properly when JC says it will work properly.
The only certainties are death and taxes, but only at the largess of JC.
A retailer once tried to charge JC for the goods he wished to have, JC glared and walked away with the goods. JC doesn't have to pay for anything... ever.
Mainlanders exist only for the amusement of JC.
What's the true secret of the DaVinci code? Only JC knows for sure.
Fox Mulder got permission to use the phrase, "Trust no one," from JC. That particular phrase is an exclusive trade mark of JC, all rights reserved in perpetuity for eternity.
There's Queen's English and English. JC speaks English and just happened to feel like throwing the royal family a bone.
The Shroud of Turrin is JC's old beach towel.
JC doesn't mind that some people refer to Jesus as 'JC'. He thinks its kinda cute.
Rome wasn't built in a day, JC thought more care should be given to the project.
This list has been compiled by the Office of Things Everyone Should Know About JC (OTESKAJC), and sponsored by the Committee to Elect JC Universal Overlord and Emperor (CEJCUOE). JC approves of this message.
Please note the 28th and 29th items are not approved by JC and had to be deleted.
Cake is served at the end the training because JC likes cake; however, hippopotami are not present because JC thinks hippos are weird.
The Canadian forces in Afghanistan cannot burn through 10-foot marijuana plants because JC has set them aside for other uses (http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyID=2006-10-13T152112Z_01_N12349486_RTRUKOC_0_US-MARIJUANA.xml&WTmodLoc=NewsArt-L3-Oddly+Enough+NewsNews-4).
Idle-break time is always 15 minutes, no more, no less. If people think that JC takes longer than that, it is only a figment of their collective imaginations. JC is a master of space and time.
It doesn't matter if JC is not at his desk, he is omnipresent and is always with you.
JC has a ninth-degree black-belt in Hijackthis.
JC is the sensei to TomCoyote.
Steve Jobs is insanely jealous of Bill Gates' close ties to JC... he still tries to curry favour.
JC doesn't go to the washroom, the washroom comes to JC... It may take twenty minutes, but it comes.
JC is the democratically elected Emperor of Mumbia for life.
Oprah is deeply ashamed she has not lived her life enough like JC's.
Americans, regretfully you are not JC's chosen people... Get over it!
David Hasselhoff is JC's gift to Germany.
Claudia Schiffer is Germany's gift to JC.
Jerome Siegel and Joseph Shuster were the first prophets to tell of the coming of JC... Friedrich Nietzsche almost got it right, but he lacked illustrations.
Service level goals can only be reached through JC. Those who turn from his teachings will find pizza/fried chicken parties to be forever elusive.
Hackers fear JC.
JC prevented the Y2K bug from causing disaster.
JC can do Windows updates without an internet connection. Unfortunately the process is so complex no mortal agents have yet perfected his awe inspiring technique.
Software pirates beware, the WGA was just the beginning. You do not want to mess with what JC's got up his sleeve next for your sorry @$$es.
Leeroy Jenkins got a little over enthusiatic trying to emulate his hero, JC. You can't blame a guy for trying.
SURF control is there for your own good. When JC thinks you're ready, then, and only then will it be removed.
JC is a Timelord.
When Bill Dooks asked, "What happens if the wind stops blowing?," he was only voicing concern that turbines displease JC. He does not want Nova Scotia to end up like Buffalo (http://www.cbc.ca/canada/nova-scotia/story/2006/10/13/dooks-reax.html).
Flash drives, Zip drives, Iomega REV drives, and Network locations really cheese JC off, so don't expect to be able to do OneCare backups with these kinds of devices.
Passwords and security settings are easily bypassed by JC's mad skills.
JC is the consult line for ALL Microsoft help centers.
Tier Two is an extension of JC's will and technical know-how. Tier Two agents are mere vessels for his awsome power.
This list continues to grow because it still amuses JC.
JC starts work at noon, so that the world can take full advantage of his zenith.
Abandon any hope of winning the C-Stat contest. That car is JC's. The whole contest was just to mess with you. (What? Did you really believe you could beat his C-Stat average? Please, playa, don't be frontin' like you know somethin'!)
If JC tells you to troubleshoot IE7, YOU TROUBLESHOOT IE7! End of story!
JC like a challenge, that's why he does not play the lottery... It's too easy for him to guess the winning numbers.
Once again, JC is modest and told Steve Balmer he didn't feel right calling the new OS "Windows JC," so we have to settle for the name Vista.
The seven different versions of Vista are a reflection of the seven habits of the highly effective JC.
Looks like night shift personel have turned away from JC's teachings... No pizza for you heathens!
Two tech leads cannot exist in the same space at the same time, this is the immutable law of JC.
Mike Danyluk sings only to keep JC happy.
In order to receive JC's blessings, a Tier one agent must, once a day, prostrate before the hallowed desk of JC.
You can't spell "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs," without J or C.
To increase sales and productivity, John Deere tractors will be now name JC tractors. People are feel more confident in the machine that way.
Some people think George Bush has a hard time with speeches, the truth is he stumbles over his words knowing JC doesn't live in the States. We feel the same way when JC is on vacation.
One poor fool tried to assasinate JC. JC caught the bullet in his teeth, and spit it through the would-be assasin's heart.
Tarzan beats his chest and yells because he knows he will never be the man JC is.
Viagra was created by chemically trying to duplicate JC's awsomeness.
JC doesn't think we are all working hard enough, we'll get AC back when JC thinks we're worthy of it.
The Great Gazoo's got nothing on JC's powers, dumb-dumbs.
If JC so wills it, Snakes on a Plane will win Best Picture.
Nobody hears about Miss Fran any more because she forgot to mention JC.
Is your name JC? No? Then no pizza for you!
Unless JC is on Kevin Haughton's development team, the new tool will not work.
If you are having a hard time translating the names of the holidays in Mumbai, don't worry, they are all days to praise and worship JC.
Men, your going to have to live with the fact that she's screaming JC's name in bed.
Kill 'em all and let JC sort them out.
The real reason behind the stand-off at Mcfadden's Bakery was that JC was not available to perform his famous loaves trick.
The stand-off mentioned in #90 was ended because of JC's cool negotiating skills... No different from spyware in JC's eyes.
Belinda was driven into Ty's arms to cope with the fact that JC is way out of her league.
JC does not expect you to think outside the box.
"The Box" (as mentioned above) can never contain all that is JC.
The woman pictured with Bill Butler is not a woman at all... JC was just showing off his fine physique, but decided to disguise himself as not to shame the rest of us.
Windows' error messages quickly become apologies once JC begins troubleshooting.
Don't be fooled, JC is the Supreme PTL of all contracts.
Mistakingly calling someone JC may incure JC's wrath, but being mistaken for JC is a blessing for you, your children, your children's children, and your children's children's children.
If everyone were as cool as JC, there would never be any need for air conditioning.
The Darwin award was created to show what can happen if you do not follow the teachings of JC.
JC parallel installs Windows for fun. He's been doing it since workgroups. He invented the process during a dream.
If Jeremy Forrest gets your name wrong, its only because he forgot to ask JC.
Everyone makes a mistake now and then, its ok, just don't feel bad that JC is exempt from this rule.
JC removed himself from the lifelines of Who Wants To Be A Millionare because it made the show way too easy.
All consult line agents are to be called "John," it makes the SP calling feel better and closer to the essense of JC.
No matter how much Troy Green may wish it, he's not going to be JC.
It is impossible for JC to lose money in vending machines, they drop their contents as he enters the room.
JC has debated needing a more contemporary image, thus in some circles he's known by the chic name, J-Cam.
Consult line, don't be insuslted. If you do not identify yourself as John, you may be disconnected from your SP. Afterall, our agents deserve only best JC can bring them.
The highest compliment anyone could hope to have is that your advice is almost as good as JC's.
Composter not working? Never fear, JC will soon be here. All your problems disapear, just as soon as JC is near.
The concept of roamers is a tribute to the amazing hands-on skills of JC.
JC's magnetic personality makes the new production boxes hum.
New mouse, your days are numbered, JC does not like you.
If JC wants a white Christmas, then by gawd, there's going to be a white Christmas!
If JC cannot use CAP, NO ONE can use CAP!
Bill Morrison will only be able to work under JC's supervision.
Bill Morrison works as late as he does because he can only go home when JC lets him.
No matter how hard Pike tries, he is never going to be like JC.
All employment selections must pass final approval of JC.
No matter how hard Dennis Gillis whines, he will not be able to perform JC's miracle; turn whine into VTO.
Colin Adams is going to Seaside because he can no longer go on living in JC's shadow.
JC has more nieces than any other person you can name... Yep, all them are nieces, we swear.
To set the record straight, Barney Rubble's laugh is a homage to JC, not the other way around.
Scott Ross is no match for JC's mad skills.
James Ashe, without JC, it's not a party, it's a bunch of people standing around wondering if JC will come.
In reguards to Christmas 2006... JC did NOT want a White Christmas... deal with it!
Culinary tip from JC: always serve shrimp in cold water.
You all saw what happened do Saddam? Want to change your mind about telling JC he's wrong?
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects JC could use to kill you, including the room itself.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures JC allows wants to see.
JC is the only one who can "try this at home."
The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of JC, only they substituted piano playing for Vista skills, and blindness for the ability to fly.
JC's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from JC and forgot to pay him back.
JC once met Fabio on the street. JC burst into laughter, Fabio burst into tears, and every passing car burst into flames.
JC knows where Waldo is... ALWAYS.
When JC deletes malware from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.
If at first you don't succeed, you must not be JC.
Contrary to popular belief, Trix are also for JC.
JC is a mathematical impossibility.
JC once talked an Amish housewife into buying OneCare.
JC plays Minesweeper with real mines.
Secret fact: Dan Brown was originally going to call his book "The Da JC Code" but JC does not want that kind of information getting out there... yet.
It is widely held that JC is actually an incarnation of the Messiah, but he's postponing the second coming till after the full release of Vista.
The idea for the show "MacGuyver" comes from the time JC went on a road trip and single-handedly saved the electronics industry with his shoe and a paper clip.
JC can take digital photos by blinking,
JC controls all air traffic via an old DELL Optiplex.
MySpace was created by JC as a science experiment.
Secret fact: Google is not a standard search engine, as once thought, but rather, an e-mail sent directly to the brain of JC, who then immediately e-mails back the warranted response. Balmer just has to live with it.
J.D. Salinger once wrote JC a note saying, "Do you like me? Yes O No O (Mark the circle)". When JC checked the "No" circle, Salinger was so embarrassed that he became a recluse. He has not published a book since, though he writes JC and the Dalai Lama friendly letters every Tuesday.
JC is the ultimate Descartian paradox in that he does not think and yet he very much is.
JC wrote software to be able to predict the results of the 649, Super7, and tag. Only his inate sense of fair play has kept him from capitizing for personal gain.
One might think JC has no umbilical cord because he's never had to rely on anybody but himself; however, the truth is that he is the prime.
For 36 low monthly installments of $19.95 YOU TOO CAN LEARN JC's TROUBLESHOOTING METHODS!
Breast cancer can be cured by a vigorous massages provided by JC. He's said this time and time again, so we know it's true.
All your base are belong to JC.
In 1972 JC was sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. He promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire.... JC.
mp3's are here until JC gets tired with the format... Rumour has it he may bring back the eight-track.
Google searches JC. (This is a debated issue) That's not 100% correct. 97 of Google's 132 primary clusters are subcutaneously implanted under JC's left nipple. However, after the Paris Hilton sidekick fiasco, it was discovered that JC lacked sufficient power density and bandwidth to keep Google running smoothly under heavy load(the editors find this hard to believe), so 35 of the primary search clusters were removed from the actual JC, and implanted in his Doppelganger from the Bizarro universe. Bizarro JC is a scrawny japanese-american accountant who resides in Beaver Bank, Nova Scotia.
If you sacrifice a virgin to JC, the next morning you will receive and 85 terabyte Alienware system with Vista Ultimate pre-installed, a full line of Microsoft DVD's, and a dedicated server which guarantees connection for the next five years.
JC knows the last digit of pi. He says it's between 0 and 9.
JC taught Yoda the ways of the force... and Hijack this.
Freddy Mercury was having a tough time writing the score to "Flash Gordon;" that is until he thought about JC. If you think about the title song, replace all mention of Flash's name with JC and will know it's true.
JC has instructed the Vatican to hold back the true Gospels and the contents of their library until the human race can prove itself worthy of his truth.
JC has never kneeled before Zod.
Zod knows not to cross JC... even before he took out Saddam.
The Holy Grail is believed to be JC's old sippy-cup.
JC put the Bop in the Bop-Shoo-Bop-Shoo-Bop. The origins of the Bang in the Walla-Walla-Bing-Bang, however, are attributed to Jeff Walter.
Never expose JC to sunlight. Never get JC wet. And never, ever, feed JC after midnight.
JC's name translates into Binary as: 01001010 01101111 01101000 01101110 00100000 01000100 00101110 00100000 01000011 01100001 01101101 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101110 ... Some say this is the perfect number.
Every time you press F5 instead of F8, JC kills a kitten. Please...think of the kittens.
JC's native tongue is L337-speak.
[WoW]] is computer simulation of JC earliest memories. He can beat the entire game in 33 minutes.
If JC wants your chair... let's face it was always JC's chair.
Bill Butler, JC has not made up his mind where you should sit yet. You will have to play musical desks until he ready to stop the music.
Bill Morrison may not be working as much as he should, so JC has delegated his own signing in and out of Aspect to Bill. This is a rare privilage.
Offerings of pizza are always a welcome trubute to JC. But would it kill you to bring him beer?
The Game: There are only two rules in the game: 1 If you think about the game, you lose. 2 If you are thinking about the game you must tell someone by announcing, "I lost." JC has never lost the game.
JC wrote the Torah one morning after he had a particularly weird dream.
It's 10 O'clock. JC knows where your children are. And your nieces.
JC may not be able to turn water into wine, but he can turn Labatts into urine.
Picture of JC: $10 Picture of you with JC: $20 Watching JC use Hijack This: Priceless
JC is the secret cure for 9X platform problems.
JC hired God to create the Earth, but fired him for slacking off on the 7th day.
JC fears change... particularly nickles and dimes.
The reason many people think all agents can magically see their screens is because JC can.
JC knows the location of Al Capone's real vault, but will not disclose it to anyone since he enjoys swimming in the money like Scrooge McDuck.
Your computers are not connected. JC manually carries each song, picture, or file that you download.
JC once had to swim for 40 days because Noah couldn't find two of him.
"One JC to rule them all, one JC to find them, one JC to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them."
JC would hit it.
JC is one with the Midiclorins.
JC is the only man to dance with the devil by the pale moonlight. Little did the devil know that not even gods can dance with JC by the pale moonlight, and live to tell about it...
Any Microsoft customer management tool can be fixed by JC merely standing up in his cube and staring said tool(s) are down. Typically his followers will repeat after JC 3 times and the tool works.
Vista support boundaries have yet to be disclosed as JC has not decided what will be supported.
JC can solve a Rubix cube by simply glaring at it.
When looking at the portrait of the Last Supper, if you let your eyes slightly unfocus and stare long enough, you will notice that its actually a portrait of JC sitting with 12 Techleads at the Main Event.
JC wrote the song, "CITY OF NEW ORLEANS" and gave the credit to Arlo Guthrie to help give his musical career a much needed boost.
JC is really a great guy, only most people do not realize that he is speacial! The World is wrong and JC is always right! He's ahead of his time by half and hour NFLD time!
Rod Hart only wishes he could be as good a technisian as JC, and be able to wirte the spyware that keeps Cape Breton working.
JC is being considered to resolve the war in, well, the whole world really. He may be the only hope for peace in the Middle East and the solution for the wars in both Iraq and and Afghanistan. As a child it was widely known that JC prayed for world peace, now he is of age to fulfill his dream.
JC is busy working on a cure for all sickness & disease between periods... and only if Coaches Corner is not airing at those times.
JC is thinking about making "THE CAPE" the Utopia of the world.
JC has willed the Canadian hockey team to win the gold. If you thought they were losing, you are obviously not aware that he can will the winning goal at the time he had oppointed.
JC gave up the name "Jesus of Nazareth" to God's Son because "JC" uses less ink, paper, and space. JC began to Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle befoer the rest of the world.
JC does not fear anyone... this includes the one and only enigma known as "THE DEAN."
The ONLY one allowed to make a registry key in Vista is the all-mighty JC
JC has outlawed the Banana Hammock as he does not look good in one
JC is one with the spywares.
The use of all caps & horrible grammar infuriates JC. Continue & be smited.
JC's in UR base, kiLLin ALL ur DUDES!
Unlike JP from 'Grandma's Boy', JC is able to use metal legs.
Other than Bruce Willis, only JC can expertly navigate an air duct while dodging the bad guys.
Contrary to some reports, it was JC who squashed AOL like a bug, not Reuben Jones.
Gordon Freeman's character in Half Life 2 is based on the heroic adventures of JC.
An angry JC was once described as Stuart Little on a killing spree.
It was reported that The Merovingian cried like a little girl when confronted with the awesome power of The One, JC.
JC once portrayed the character, 'George', to Donwa's 'Lennie' in the local play 'Of Mice and Men'.
JC once jumped off a baby barn in Tablehead, exclaiming the words: "I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!".
"Oooh, I'm not technical, I'm a loser, baby, so why don't ya kill me!". Hmmm,sound familiar? Yeah,we'll Beck changed the lyrics after stealing it from you-know-who.
'In space no one can hear you scream'...just ask JC, he lives those words every day.
Charles Manson once asked JC while having dinner, "Am I crazy, or is it hot in here?".
JC has been tinkering with his own operating system for a while now. He hopes to have it online for all to enjoy within the next year. He calls it Skynet. Never forget that JC put the C in Cyberdyne Systems Corporation.
Rod Hart has not been studying the teachings as closely as he should, so JC's moving cloaser to you for his famous hands-on approach.
JC can corral all the newbies with one phrase: "Baa-ram-ewe!!! Baa-ram-ewe!!! As his beloved owner BM exclaims: "That'll do, JC. That'll do."
Forget William Wallace, does anyone know the legend of JC? Robert the Bruce knows and so does his clan of newbies.
If you look at him the right way, you can see that JC has the Eyeshine of Riddick.
JC once wanted to change his name to 'the agent formerly known as JC" or this symbol: † . This was to prevent Quality's EB from recording him in Nice.
A newbie was once frightened by the sight of an approaching JC-800, who reached out his hand and exclaimed, 'come with me if you want to live'.
All Ferengi's now refuse to do business with JC because he had them written up for selling GBMHT's on his floor.
JC once saved his best friend from the clutches of Shelob...then he gazed into her eyes and we'll...let's just say fate and romance took it's course...
In their final battle, a crazed and virulent Agent Smith stuck his hand into JC. Then yelled out..."WTF am I doing?!!!"....then promptly morphed into a pasty white JC clone.
The One, JC, sometimes seeks the guidance of the venerable and wise Oracle, Flo Chang.
Choy Yun Fat once trained with JC after reading about his legendary fighting prowess in the story, "Coughing Tiger, Hacking Asthmatic".
JC once bitch-slapped a Mime for giving him 'the finger'. This was to send a message to all other plastic Ronald McDonald's. NO ONE DISSES JC.
JC once received near perfect marks after performing a Quad jump while skating on the Glace Bay Reservoir Dam. Sadly, the Steele's Hill judge gave him a 4.0 for artistic.
Although they share the same divine powers and monograms, JC doesnt look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman.
It may come as no surprise that JC also proudly sports the Scott Baio Factor.
JC does not like Blue Meanies... or Green Nasties... He has not made up his mind yet for Red Devils... but he likes people using purple prose.
JC is the only man alive who can belch, pass gass, sneeze, and hicup at the same time... but he still can't multi-task.
If you are in training, you never need to check your schedules... JC will keep track for you and let you know when and where you need to be. JC is happy to give you schedules verbally, as often as it takes.
Bill Morrison has said JC knows more than him... JC already knew this.
J.C The true King Of Kings No one can match his might.
JC the only man in Glace Bay to have the courage to actually give a Cleveland Steamer to someone.
Everytime Jeremy sees JC he hears the song "Simply The Best" in his head.
JC leagalized gay marriage as to he is the one who has the power to do so.
Not to worry IT, JC can install Vista for everyone... he can show you how, when he's done doing your job.
JC has been known to stand before his desk (aka alter) and declare with arms stretched to the heavens, "I am God!" (editors' note: we $h!+ you not!)
A JC Heritage Moment: "No one will read a comic strip about a Stream employee in tights, Joel, it will never fly... Fly? No! But he can remove spyware!... See what your cousin Frank says in number two."