Unquotable:John F. Kennedy
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“Death is so beautiful for Kennedy on Halo”
~ Master Chief on Kennedy
“B00MHEADSH0T!!11!1”
~ 7331 Harvey Oswald on Kennedy
“*bang*...*thud*”
~ onomatopœia on John F. Kennedy
“*pow*...*domp*”
~ British onomatopœia on John F. Kennedy
“*pew-pew-pew-pew-pew*...ZAWARUDO!..*wryyyyysplode*”
~ Japanese onomatopœia on John F. Kennedy
“In Soviet Russia, President shoots YOU!”
~ Lee-Harvey Oswald on Trying to crack a joke about JFK
“I'd hit that. No, not with a bullet. With my penis.”
~ Oscar Wilde on John F. Kennedy
“At least he had an open mind...”
~ Oscar Wilde on John F. Kennedy
“I always saw him as a bit scatterbrained.”
~ Richard Nixon on John F. Kennedy
“Ask not what your country can do for you, but rather what you can do for- OMG SNIPER!!11!!1!”
~ John F. Kennedy ondivding by zerodriving through parks
“Oswald's guilt was assured when he was witnessed running the 397 yards from the Book Depository Building and began teabagging the President”
~ the Warren Commission
“Somebody wants to blow up that BITCH!”
~ John F. Kennedy on the Cuban Missile Crisis
“Does my hair look ok?”
~ John F. Kennedy to Jackie, 1 minite before his death.
“Don't worry honey, non of that will matter soon”
~ Jackie Kennedy answering the last question of John F. Kennedy
“What kind of middlename is F. anyway? It's so pointless!”
~ Oscar Wilde on John F. Kennedys middlename
“What's the weather gonna be like for the drive? I wanna put the top down.”
~ John F. Kennedy on fatal mistakes
“I told you to shoot JACKIE, not John!”
~ Marylin Monroe to Lee Harvey Oswald
“Oh my god! They killed Kennedy!”
~ Stan Marsh, November 22, 1963
“You bastards!”
~ Kyle Broflovski, November 22, 1963
[edit] Ich bin ein Berliner
Addressing a large group of Germans, Kennedy wanted to defend the West Germans, universally known for their confectionery delights, such as chocolate, cinnamon rolls, and shit. Kennedy spent months in Amsterdam prior to the event, writing the speech. Kennedy was totally tripping balls two hours before the event and realized he hadn't written any of the speech at all. Kennedy proceeded to sketch a few words on a napkin. Kennedy made up 90% of the words, partly because he was nervous and partly because of his complete and udder lack of knowledge of German. 9% of the words were affiliated to Hitler in some form. However, Kennedy managed to get four words correct: "Ich bin ein Berliner", roughly translated to "I am a jelly donut". This phrase got a large response from the crowd, for, by chance, all of them worked at Dunkin' Donuts. This epic groundbreaking speech inspires many a pastry/confectionery baker to this day, despite the rest being uninterpretable gibberish.
[edit] On Courage, Peace, and Democracy
- "Say that again? Chow-dare? Chow-dare? It's chow-dah! Get it right, Frenchie!" - on Top Chef.
- "Achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the Earth, now that would be a useless, profligate waste of resources, but it would make damn good television." - President Kennedy to Vice President Johnson, 1961.
- "Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to 39 cent Tuesdays." - on cheeseburgers.
- "Hey, if something were to happen to me -- you guys have that Vietnam thing pretty well covered, right? ... Right?" - on assumptions.
[edit] On Liberalism
- If by a "Liberal" they mean someone who looks ahead and not into his behind, someone who welcomes new ideas provided they are OK'd by Pelosi first, someone who pretends to care about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties — someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad by hiding our heads in the sand, if that is what they mean by a "Liberal," then I'm proud to say I'm a "Liberal."
- If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can make the world safe for abortion, affirmative action, and gay marriage.
- If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the New York Jewish stockbrokers, Bostonian aristocrats and California hippies.
[edit] On Canada and Latin America
- Geography has made us neighbors. History has made us friends. Economics has made us partners. And necessity has made us allies. Those whom nature hath so joined together, let no man put asunder by trivial demands to rename ham bacon.
- Wait. You mean those guys down at Home Depot? And who the fuck is Canada?!
- Those who make being a CIA puppet state impossible will make violent, CIA-backed revolution inevitable.
- Someone set up us the bomb!
- GET YO DAMN NUKES OUTTA MY HEMISPHERE!
- Seriously, get rid of them. I'm super pissed right now. Bobby is too.
- Dammit I will nuke yo mothafuckin ass Castro, get those nukes out of here.
- Thats what I thought bitch.
- I have never been to Canada, but when I think of Canada, I think of a place filled with beautiful ladies more stacked than dear Marilyn.
[edit] Possible Assassins
-
Lee Harvey Oswald...erm, nah. - Roberto Cheesefecker - fearful Moon overlord had excellent vantage point
- Osama bin Laden - well everything else is his fault, aint it?
- Lewis Hamilton - smug cunt
- You- communist sympathizer
- Cocoa the rat
- Pikachu - feared pimp/gangster
- Richard Nixon- Obviously
- Your Mom - Oh no she didn't!!!!1 OH YES SHE DID BITCH
- Edward Blake - The Comedian from that shit film Watchmen.
- Robert Kennedy - "Fuck you Jack!"
- Ms. Wilson - Hey Funky! Global Warming Forever!
- Ninjas - They got him from behind a shadowy knoll
- Chuck Norris - Because he liked Marilyn Monroe.
- Billy Mays -
Hi I'm Billy Mays, here with Kennedy Clean! It'll get rid of all the Kennedy in your country, no problem! Just point, aim, and pull the trigger and just like that! Gone!HEY! Show some fucking respect, you philistine. - Himura Kenshin- A samurai with an X on his face. Pikachu's accomplice.
- JFK
[edit] Bibliography
- Profiles in Courage
- Profiles in Courage II: The Legend of Curly's Gold
- Profiles in Nookie
- Profiles in Chowdah
- Profiles in Show-der
- Profiles in Fail
- Why England Did Your Mom
- Why England Sucks Ass
[edit] Fun Facts
- This man once died, but did you know he could read all our minds?
- He made love with half of mankind.
- He was a robot sent from the future.
- He was on the brink of curing AIDS in the car when he died.
- He was on the brink of curing HIV in the car when he died.
- He was a Jelly Donut.
- He was shot to prevent Osama Bin Laden from not raping Castro last night in your mums bed.
- His ghost haunts various high schools in Ohio
