Jack Bauer

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Jack Bauer at exactly 10:28:28 on day 3. In the background the rosy glow of a nuclear holocaust can be seen.
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jack Bauer.
“More powerful than a mothafuckin' locomotive, faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buildings in a single mothafuckin' bound! Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's, it's Jack Mothafuckin' Bauer!”
~ Samuel L. Mothafuckin' Jackson on mothafuckin' CTU's Jack Bauer
“What martial arts did Jack Bauer study?? Ha! I'll tell you what, pal! Jack Bauer can stick Martial Arts, and his deputy, up Jet Li's ass!”
~ Bruce Willis on Jack Bauer
“Jack Bauerrmmm”
~ Cookie Randolph on Jack Bauerrmmm
“If you think torture is not fruitful then you never heard of the 'Jack-fruit'”
~ Chloe on torture
“This guy's killed a couple of people.”
~ Captain Understatement on Jack Bauer

Born Jack Bauer on the 31st of February 4000 BE (Bauer Era) to the United States Armed Services Committee, Bauer is America's finest, and definitely bad-assiest counter-terrorist special agent, anti-sleep activist, Human Rights Professor at UCLA, all-round person you don't want to piss off, and a hero to many conservative Republicans even though the actor playing him is a self proclaimed Communist.

A regular GNU/Linux user, as of Season 6, he is also a vampire (see Episode 1 to see Jack eat for the first time in 9 years - he has yet to take a shit and a shower, and also Episode 16 to see Jack hunt down a One-Armed Terrorist just by following his blood trail). Season 7 ended with Jack finally getting some well-deserved rest, after seeking the forgiveness of Allah from his friend, the terrorist Imam.

Jack Bauer Predictions[edit]

It is generally accepted that Jack Bauer was unleashed on the Earth by the "not Allah" God to terrorize the terrorists. It is note-worthy that Jack's appearance on this planet was predicted by the Mayans 1000s of years ago, and by the Hopi Indians when Season One was announced, as well as by J. Krishna Murthi on the day after Jack signed to do "24" The Movie. Finally, when Sir Edmund Hillery first reached the summit of Mount Everest he uncovered an ancient carved warning in Tibetan that says, "When you get back to the bottom there will be Jack "mothafuckin'" Bauer waiting for your ass. Better stay right here!".

Life[edit]

Jack Bauer was born in a hospital in Los Angeles, conceived by Holy Miracle of implanting the genes of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson into a sacrificial virgin female. Bauer only took 24 hours from conception to delivery. Jack Bauer's first words were "Son of a bitch!" after he snapped the neck of the Doctor who slapped him. The hospital, when torn down, would become CTU headquarters. Jack was talking only a few minutes out of the womb - and then it was the terrorists who were talking.

School chopper drops off some students at Jack Bauer‘s Susquehanna Valley High School

Jack Bauer was sent to school at Susquehanna Valley, the worst fucking school in existence. Known for its wanton violence - where other schools had spit-wads, brass-knuckles, chains and knives, Susquehanna Valley had fixed-piece Artillery, B-52 carpet-bombing, atomic ICBMs (Inter Classroom Ballistic Missiles), and poison blow-darts - this was the environment Jack Bauer needed. Bauer had the freedom to shoot, strangle, fuck or torture anybody he wanted. In a game of "Jack and Terrorists" (Jack Bauer's version of "Cops and Robbers"), Jack Bauer tortured his first victim. It was the best moment of his life.

Jack Bauer went on to star in several school plays over the course of middle school. He won the recognition of his peers (Or as close as you can get to a peer when you're talking about Jack Bauer) with his role as Kiefer Sutherland. He got high marks on his test scores, mostly because he tortured the teachers into giving him the information he needed.

Typical lunch time scene from Jack's Susquehanna Valley High School. You'd do that too if Kim Bauer was your daughter.

In High School, Jack Bauer got half the female population pregnant on the first day. The other half were ugly. It was one of these pregnant women, Nina Meyers, who would form a bitter grudge against Jack. On weekends, Jack and one of his friends, Edgar, would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call a girl named Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". What a nerd. Jack Bauer then invented *67.

Jack Bauer was expelled from Mensa, the largest, oldest, and most famous high-IQ society in the world, for being too smart (the official reason states simply that he was too much of a "wise-guy," and he sent his teacher to the Principal's office). Jack Bauer proved that EVERYTHING (including Mensa) has it's limit. Except Jack Bauer. And if a "limit" does come along then Jack will use unthinkable torture until it gives in. No matter where you "draw the line" it is still behind Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer got a perfect score on his SATs - blood. He graduated at the top of his class and was then accepted into the Virginia Military Institute. During his time at VMI, Bauer became one of the greatest cadets in history. Many of his classmates enthusiastically embraced his idea of conquering a third world country as a senior prank. Because of Jack's leadership, the VMI class of 1967 is the only college class in the history of the world to conquer Latin America. It was in Latin America that Jack developed his lifelong hatred of terrorists and anything that isn't American. After a year down there, they decided it was too smelly even for them, so they gave the people their decimated land back. Jack was then employed at CTU along with many of his classmates after graduation. He fathered Kim Bauer. While this is seen as illogical, given Kim's relative idiocy, one must simply compare her to Maya, the daughter of Erin Driscoll (One of the women Jack had no contact with). Convinced?

At CTU Bauer once made Chloe smile by telling her that she's the smartest computer expert on Earth...he then proceeded to show her something about computers she didn't know. Jack has yet to divulge how he made a SIM card self-destruct. It is believed that Jack Bauer can type 275 words per minute on a cell phone (while hand-cuffed to a drain-pipe). Bauer is also able to directly call the President by pressing only one button on ANY cell phone. Bauer's personal phone can program and launch ICBMs, as well as order pizzas, cruise e-bay, shoot death-rays, extinguish forest-fires, and answer YES or NO.

Jack Bauer's very own brother and father were in cahoots with terrorists behind 5 nuke attacks in Season Six, one of which blew up Compton, wiping-out 70% of the jive-ass home-boys in America. But in the end they were ALL dead. And Jack Bauer didn't feel a thing. Former Secretary of Defense Heller told Jack to stay away from his daughter, and that bummed Jack out so bad that he didn't even torture her; instead he went and looked at the beach - scaring the living-shit out of all fish in the ocean. TBC Season 7.

Season 7[edit]

In Season 7, Tony (Jack's former CTU partner and best friend) is a bad guy, then a good guy, then a bad guy, then a good guy, then a bad guy, then a good guy, then a bad guy, then a good guy, then a bad guy, and finally a bad-good guy with a personal vendetta. The plot concerns a terrorist attack by the US Military-Industrial complex who helped some Africans build germs and got them distributed in Washington. But the pathogen was accidentally exposed to Jack Bauer and died a miserable death. Morris was really pissed-off when Chloe got arrested doing her job for FREE. And Bill blew himself up pretending to be Jack Bauer after some gorillas easily broke into the White House; final tally was Jack Bauer: 1, Bad Guys: 0. Mean while, the President's daughter is facing the electric chair for ordering a hit on the villain, who was getting a pardon after he exposed that there are OTHER villains out there, none of whom he knows. After seeking the forgiveness of Allah from his friend the terrorist, Jack Bauer lays unconscious getting a good rest after a seriously sleepless 24/7. Finally, blond-bimbo Kim Bauer gave up her DNA to go skydiving and landed in outer-space. Tony, on the other hand, can no longer count to ten on his missing fingers. Man, you've never seen an ending with its ass hanging-out like this one. Season 7 ends with more question marks than it begins with. The only thing that is certain is the Government being compromised. And Jack Bauer being RIGHT! OK! Bauer was only wrong ONCE (but you can blame that on the stupid script writers who are always needlessly fucking Jack Bauer up). Tune in for Season 8 after Jack does his Rip-Van-Winkle. Meanwhile, Morris has time to cool down. And Satan is free to do his business until Jack Bauer wakes up and begins another 24 hours of bloody hell and cool, fruitful torture stuff.

24's Script Writers Suck[edit]

Imagine, if you will, that Jack Bauer is easily over-powered by a single bad guy, thrown down a set of stairs and cracks a rib! Right? Sure, and a bear shits in the bathroom, the Pope is a Mormon, the ocean holds-back New Orleans, and Moby Dick drowned!! Jack Bauer might be immune to Kriptonite, but he is a sitting duck for 24's dumb-ass screen writers, who take morbid pleasure in putting blockades to trip-up Jack's best laid plans. One minute Jack has it all together, then, SHIT! The goddamn screen-writers display their own biased ignorance by getting in Jack's way. For example: After 11 episodes of chasing, Jack finally has the Terrorist leader in hand, then the stupid script-writers send the FBI to arrest Jack over some protocol BS, and Osama gets away. Jeez! Whose side are they on, anyway? If the screen-writers, and everyone else, would get the hell out of Jack Bauer's way the sooner we can all go home, safe and sound. Yesterday Movie star Kiefer Sutherland has instigated a campaign to raise twenty-million signatures to, "kick the bumbs out!" Sutherland told Rolling Stone Magazine that the screen writers on 24 were, "Jack Bauer's biggest headache!" He called them, "traitors and morons" and said they were the "real bad guys behind everything". Like terrorist Abu Fayed is just an innocent made-up character, but the screen-writers are REAL PEOPLE. Who are you going to blame for all these fuck-ups and terror-attacks? A make-believe character or a real person? So far on the first day Sutherland has only collected 60 million signatures from around the world - but the gap is closing fast... only minus forty million left to go.

Apple's latest, the iBauer[edit]

The iBauer is Apple's answer to terrorism, it has 4 primary applications, viz., iStomp, iPunch, iShoot, and iDisintegrate. It is always right. It runs on a 10,000 year nuke-battery. The iBauer can detect the presence of a genuine terrorist from within a one mile radius using innovative new technology, viz., CTU (Counter-Terror-Uscopics), and then DO something about it! Steve Jobs described how CTU works, "when you get within one mile of a genuine terrorist it plays the Peter Gunn theme song, and gets progressively louder until it plays the 'Violins from Psycho shower-scene' when you get close enough to use any of the primary applications. Perfect for traveling, or for looking up fellow terrorists". The applications "iWORD" (for when you need some one to trust you), and "iTIME" (for when there is NO time and you still need more time) are both available for free from the iTunes Applications Store. Note to terrorists: This device can also be switched into reverse mode, with terrorists replaced by "infidels", simply by pushing the hidden "iSlam" button that's built into every unit. This button also unlocks 16 deadly conflicting translations of the Koran in 92 languages, including Arabic, and also includes iBrotha dictionary that translates Arabic to Jive with illustrations. Includes Mecca compass. And for any 'randy' Arabs there is the iNude application which features full facial nudity. "We aim to make everyone happy!", concluded Jobs, "we don't discriminate against terrorists, or anyone, except Pee-See-Yousers; or should I say, Pee-You-Seers"

Jack Bauer's Recreation[edit]

Jack Bauer orders a Big Mac at Burger King.

Besides the joy of torturing and killing terrorists, for more fun Jack Bauer's favorite sport is surfing "black holes" in deep space (Bauer thinks using foot straps is for pussies; if a Super Nova happens to pop up while Jack's on the way down, he'll fucking deal with it). On a Cosmic scale Jack is ONLY afraid of voidism because there's NO TIME. His favorite bands are the Black-Eyed Peas and Megadeth. His second favorite band is Slayer, because their guitar playing reminds him of the sound a machine gun makes. Bauer's taste in movies varies depending on body count and violence level. After viewing, Bauer thought that all the "SAW" movies were cartoons directed strictly for children. His favorite porn movies are "Barney Does Debby," and "the Passion of the Prick." His favorite comedy is "Die Hard," and his favorite romance film is "Shoot Em' Up." He disliked "Schindler's List" due to its historical inaccuracies, in that it had an abundant absence of Kitler. Freddy Krueger is his favorite stand-up comedian. Pol Pot is Jack's favorite politician. Cambodia's Comrade DUCH is Jack's favorite torturer. Jack's preferred choice was Tokyo Rose over Hanoi Jane (something to do with "bj" or somesuch!?).

Bauer also is the world's BEST at anything else that you can think of. For example, Jack Bauer can knee-paddle into 90 foot waves at Jaws, and he almost taught Laird Hamilton how to do it (but that pussy STILL needs to PUSH a Jet-ski). Or, for example, he can Bowl a 301, play 18 holes of golf and score a 17, defeat a brick-wall at tennis, checkmate you with one pawn or hit two home runs at once. Jack mastered the Rubik's cube firing only one hollow-point. His favorite board-game is "Life," because he always wins. Although, in Baseball Jack is never allowed to umpire because with Bauer around EVERYONE is "Safe." He was also recently seen dribbling two meteorites while playing Basketball. Unlike mere mortals, all he needs to do is stare at the backboard and it will shatter.

24 The Movie[edit]

Jack Bauer disguised as a lion waiting for terrorists planning to Nuke the LA Zoo.

A movie version of "24" is in progress. The movie will demonstrate how "peace" is not an absence of war, it is an abundance of Jack Bauer. The audience may be alarmed to know that the movie will be a real time CTU operation where Jack Bauer actually averts genuine disaster. They use REAL bullets in the movie; The terrorists are genuine and have a REAL nuke in LA. PLOT: Jack locates and turns OFF the Nuke exactly 1 second before detonation (Bauer thinks sooner than that is for pussies), and he then brings all those plotting against the USA to a well-deserved and horrific end. Some people try to say that 24 The Movie is a "snuff film" because Bauer actually DOES kill all the bad guys. The movie script is rumored to have a surprise scene where Bauer tortures and kicks his OWN ass; but he soon gets even by locating and killing his reflection in a mirror.

Current goings on[edit]

Bauer has been framed by an evil alliance of Barack Obama, Osama Bin Laden, and Chuck Norris. Police paid off by this cadre of destruction ordered SWAT team members to pull over Bauer and empty several canisters of mace, as well as unload 27 taser guns into him, and claim he had been drunk driving. This is, of course, a steaming pile of bullshit because Jack Bauer doesn't get drunk, alcohol gets Bauered. After the loss of 37 assorted SWAT team members, FBI agents and air marshals, Bauer boarded a flight to Sengala, choosing the front row exit seat (Bauer thinks window seats are for pussies). He arrvied at the Matatke International terminal, and within the hour, he disbanded the entire Juma regime, twice, before he was finally apprehended using the age-old method of dropping a bridge on him. Bauer was held for exactly 10 seconds before breaking out by melting the window bars with the heat of his armpits. He is now at large, but no one really wants to actually find him.

Currently in his spare time, he is torturing anything and anyone for information that he can put on Wikipedia. He also tortures information off Wikipedia and it is believed that is the reason why George Bush is still alive today.

06:06:06
Jack Bauer has successfully 'knit' and 'sew' the entire citizens of Hiroshima after interrogating where did they put his 24 game; there were no survivors.

Future Projects[edit]

  • A Mastercard and Capital One ad.
  • An "Interrogation for Dummies" book.
  • Jack simply hates all social networking sites, he considers them tools in the hands of fools and terrorists, he plans to take out twitter and facebook.
  • Force the Pope to canonize Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Jim Henson and James Earl Jones as saints of the Roman Catholic church.
  • Create a cocktail called 'the Jack Bauer' that distills the entire Jack Bauer experience into a five-ounce drink. Done in 2006
    • Ingredients: three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed with ice and a hint of lime.
    • If anyone other than Jack Bauer requests a Jack Bauer at a bar they will receive: a bullet to the face.
  • A reality show, entitled "You're Out of Time!!", in which contestants will most certainly end up with gun hundreds of shotgun shots to the face.
  • A second reality show as a spin-off entitled "Give him 5 cc's!" it would be much more like fear factor, but deadlier, they kill the cast in front of the audience, and then kill the audience in front of the cast

(Note that none of these will ever get done. There is no time for them.)

Jack Bauer on his way to "have a word with the President of Iran." - If you're the President of Iran, well, your fucked, Amigo!

Iron Bauer[edit]

Tip

Tune in Jan. 8th to see the 101 fun ways you can use a corkscrew.

A show to begin airing on the Food network for the fall 2007 season. During his stay in China, he will be attending a famous Chinese cooking school. Jack Bauer will graduate at the top of his class, in part do to his excellent cooking skills, and the fact he's shot all other members of the class who cook better than him.

On his new show, Jack will be featuring various dishes he has picked up from his world travels in the Counter Terrorism Unit. Such dishes will include grilled goat kebabs he tried while in Uzbekistan, California fish tacos, and other tasty treats. He'll also show you exciting new uses for everyday kitchen utensils in the areas of torturing and interrogating terrorism suspects .

Home Interrogation, the Jack Bauer Method[edit]

In 2010, Jack Bauer will appear on a late-night infomercial offering a new Young-inventors kit for: do-it-yourself home torture and interrogation.

How to survive Jack Bauer[edit]

“Don't.”
~ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on how to survive Jack Bauer
Bauer’s new ray-gun for Season Ten

Cultural Anthropological experts estimate that out of the 1,337.47 people to have interacted with Bauer, roughly -542.5 (don't ask) have survived. Many books have been written on how to increase one's chances of not dying when encountering Bauer. Initial strategies included the good old duck and cover, kiss and run, pretend you need to go to the toilet and if I can't see you, you can't see me. All of these have proved ineffective. A little known fact about chances of survival upon meeting Jack Bauer can be summed up by Newton's fourth law of motion: Persons encountering Jack may be divided up as the sum of four parts: 1. that the person has now entered a state of constant fear; 2. that the person involved has already received a grossly unequal reaction to their action; 3. that the person in question has let loose a stream of urine (dictated by the equation F=ma) the force of which may result in a total disintegration of the trousers; and 4. that the individual will suddenly and irrevocably obtain a belief in god.

Penn Teller on what not to do when you encounter Bauer.

With the improvement in computer power, many human lives have been saved by running simulations on how to survive instead of sending interns to test theories.

Here are the top strategies given by experts today:

  1. Talk. You know you are going to eventually and the sooner you start the more unbroken fingers you will have afterwards. Go ahead and tell him who hired you, where you hid the gas canisters, that you cry after ejaculating and that sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are special.
  2. Kill yourself. Numerous people have found that carrying a cyanide pill at all times increases your chances of not dying by Jack Bauer.
  3. Talk. We can't stress this enough. If you really don't know then make something up. Tell him you are working for Bill Gates or that your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has the access codes.
  4. Lie that you date his daughter -- but this only helps in the short run.
  5. Claim that you don't speak English. Bauer will have to wait for a translator, giving you precious minutes to take that cyanide pill. Unless it is one of the many languages he speaks, in which case your screwed
  6. Talk. Once again, tell him the disarm codes, tell him where the bombs are, who the mole is, who you're working for. Exclaim loudly after telling Bauer anything that there is NO TIME. Bauer will leave immediately, thus allowing you to take that suicide pill.
  7. BULL SHIT. When Jack is giving you extreme pain then gaze into his eyes and show him a look of total bull shit. Jack will conclude you don't know and he'll stop torturing you. Then you can take your cyanide pill.
  8. Mop. If you are bleeding profusely be sure to mop-up after yourself so Bauer cannot follow your blood trail.
  9. Hide. Hiding on a planet other than Earth is a potential way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer.
  10. Drop it. Even if you are holding nothing, dropping it is a potential way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer. Specially when ordered by Bauer to do so. In fact, the "24" version of being "caught between a rock and a hard-place" is being ordered by Jack Bauer to "DROP IT!" when you're empty-handed.
  11. Wife. Sitting next to your wife and ordering Jack Bauer to shoot you is also a possible way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer (no one orders Bauer what to do).
  12. US Presidency. Becoming President of the United States is a good way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer - even if you're guilty-as-sin and he has counted PAST three.
  13. Count. If you are holding a gun to the head of Jack Bauer, COUNT to ten in stead of three. That way you get to live an extra 7 seconds. The longer you count the longer you live. But counting to infinity will not make you immortal, because sooner or later Jack is going to grab the gun, stick it up your ass, and fire.
  14. Timer. Setting the bomb fuse timer to 100 years in stead of 3 minutes is a great way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer (Jack thinks disarming a bomb before the LAST second is for pussies).
  15. Joke. Jack Bauer loves Joe Pesci jokes, so telling him one is a good way to survive (Note: Don't get cute! And don't say, "You're a funny guy!" if Jack laughs, because when Jack laughs then you can take your cyanide pill.
  16. Cry. Jack Bauer is a push-over for a pitiful weeping terrorist (Not!) - Then you can take your cyanide pill.
  17. Drugs. Offer Jack Bauer a joint. If Jack smokes pot it will immediately be legal Globally. Then you can take your cyanide pill.
  18. Convert. Converting Jack Bauer to Islam is a good way to survive. In fact, Bauer would accept Islam if it were not for the religion.
  19. PASS. This method ONLY works for Kobe Bryant and is a forgone conclusion in the case of Jack Bauer.
  20. SILENCE. If you are a box of Tic Tacs in Bauer's pocket then remaining silent is a good way to survive.
  21. Tune-out. If you make a point to NOT watch "24" that is a good way to survive Bauer. But who's kidding who?
  22. Ahimsa (Non-violence). Under no circumstances should you hurt or kill Jack Bauer. Dying just makes him more pissed-off. Not killing Jack Bauer is a possible way to survive.
  23. Clean. Offering to CLEAN Jack's gun for free is a good way to survive - provided you don't get any crazy ideas (like not cleaning the bullets too), or get fucked-up in the script.
  24. Agree. If you work in a shoe store and Bauer enters and orders durian-flavored ice-cream, agreeing to his request is a good way to survive.
  25. Celibacy. Not fucking Kim Bauer is a possible way to survive.
  26. Ignorance. If you do not know who is Jack Bauer then there is no possibility of being killed by him, because you must already be dead.
  27. Confuse. Tell Jack Bauer, "If you were going to kill me I'd already be dead!" - is a good way to survive Bauer.
  28. Don't Infect. If you are a virus, NOT infecting Jack or his PC, is a potential way to survive Bauer.
  29. STAY PUT. If Jack pulls you out of your car and says, "DON'T GET UP!", staying put is a great way to survive Bauer.
  30. OBEY. Note the following examples from real life...
  • EXAMPLE 1: If you are a doctor performing emergency open-heart surgery on the Pope, and Bauer brings in a fucked-up scum bag, points a gun at you, and orders you to stop what you're doing and save the terrorist, you should OBEY. That is not an option (otherwise you'll be dead, and then what will you fucking do?).
  • EXAMPLE 2: If you work in Burger King and Bauer points a gun at you and orders a Big Mac, OBEY.
  • EXAMPLE 3: If you work in McDonalds and Bauer comes in AFTER 10:30 am, points a gun at you, and orders breakfast, OBEY.
  • EXAMPLE 4: If you are a Hatha Yoga instructor and Bauer enters, points a gun a you, and orders you to stick your elbow in your ear, OBEY.
  • EXAMPLE 5: You are pilot of the Space Shuttle returning from space and you're 1 minute away from landing, if Bauer enters the cockpit, points a gun at you, and says, "Capt. I'm a federal agent. My name is Jack Bauer. There's NO TIME to explain, but we're going to turn this son-of-a-bitch around, NOW!" - OBEY.
  • EXAMPLE 6: If you work in Cosco and Jack Bauer comes in without membership and wants to buy a Lear Jet, giving only his WORD as payment, OBEY.
  • EXAMPLE 7: If you are librarian at Fairview Kindergarten in North Dakota and Jack Bauer comes in and asks to check-out the original Dead Sea Scrolls, OBEY. Also, resist the temptation to quote Alfred E. Neuman by NOT saying, "How can you get information from a DEAD sea scroll?" - because Jack Bauer can get information even from your dead ass.
06:35:20

Jack Bauer, The STREET![edit]

A typical terrorist weapon - note that it is readily assembled from everyday household materials.

There were plans for a street in LA to be named Jack Bauer Way, but these plans had to be scrapped, due to the high level of pedestrian fatalities predicted by experts. In the words of one LA civil engineer (who spoke under condition of anonymity, and swallowed a cyanide tablet immediately after):

"No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives"

Deathless[edit]

Bauer is basically immortal. He once shot himself 10 times in the heart just to prove that 50 Cent is a bitch, yet he was unharmed (wearing a bullet-accelerating vest as usual). There have been several theories about the supposed death of Jack Bauer. However, as theorized by Einsteins theory of special relativity the actual death of said Jack Bauer will not occur until the fifth mortal kombat tournament ends late December of the year 2011. Of course Einstein fucked up because he thought the universe was static, and thus his equation didn't or rather could not account for the fact that Jack Bauer is immortal. The end will come for us all as Jack uses his famous destroy the planet fatality in which one million chrome balls come out of his chest and scatter across the planet and detonate on January twenty first at exactly midnight 2012 AD. As the bodies of every man, women and child are destroyed, the souls of the dead will be absorbed by Jack's insatiable thirst for blood thus increasing his power to a level not seen since Kratos destroyed the Olympian pantheon in God of War 3: The Homicidal Spartan that just wants to talk about his feelings and not so much kill people anymore. So in short though your death will be short and sweet, Jack Bauer's death will never come and he will continue to traverse the universe slaughtering terrorists on whatever planet he finds next.

Jack Bauer speaks to the President of the United States by pressing only one button on a cell-phone taken off a dead terrorist. This picture was taken under intense fire

Curious Bauer Facts[edit]

  • Jack Bauer once told Joe Pesci, "you're a funny guy!" - and Joe took it as a compliment.
  • Once in Vegas Jack Bauer 'Hit the Jackpot' on a slot machine and 10,000 bullets came out.
  • Jack Bauer once broke the 'World Record" - into a million pieces.
  • The producers would have us think that at the end of 24/7 Jack Bauer called for an Imam and converted to Terrorism.
  • If confronted by Jack Bauer, your chances of survival depends entirely on the whim of a terrorist script-writer.
  • If Jack Bauer happens to be at the site of a 747 plane crash, they will stop searching for the Black Box, and enter the cause as "Jack Bauer".
  • Jack Bauer thinks that using Kriptonite in a fight with Superman would give him an unfair advantage.
  • Anyone wishing to join the Jack Bauer Cult is free to do so provided they read the "Holy Bauer" from center to center.
Main article: Jack Bauer Facts

The Holy Bauer[edit]

Not a book for wimps the Holy Bauer has one purpose only, i.e., to terrify. As a scripture it is more horrifying than any other. It consists of a description of the secret contents of Jack Bauer's side bag. Each item is described along with examples of and the philosophy behind each usage. Even Satan wants to know what's in that bag. Publication is pending a CTU and CIA review because some of the items are difficult to identify, e.g., a cork-screw mace and a glove with sand-paper middle finger. Jack Bauer refers to his side-bag as, "my weapons!"

Your safety[edit]

Temporary damage reveals Jack Bauer‘s inner robot

Now that you've finished reading this page, you've automatically electronically signed your death certificate and it has been forwarded to Jack Bauer. Jack is about to hunt you down. You have 24 hours to live. For ways to survive Jack Bauer see the information above. Telling Jack where the bomb is located still doesn't mean you will survive Jack Bauer; nor does a letter of amnesty from the American President. Nothing can assure your survival of Jack Bauer other than a change in the SCRIPT.

The Ultimate Answer[edit]

According to the Dean of American Sportscasters Cookie "Chainsaw" Randolph the ultimate answer to all of lifes questions and problems is simply "Jack Bauerrmmm" (it should be greatly noted that the 3 final M's of the annunciated name must be clearly and annoyingly loudly announced or it has absolutely no power over Terrorists general Not Niceness and Your Mom.)

The ultimate answer can be used to solve literally all of mans greatest ponderances such as "Why do I need to get up before I flush the Toilet?"

See also[edit]


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