Jack Black
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jack Black, the first black president of the United States of America and brother of Queen Latifa and Jack White is a world renowned comic, rock star, Korean food chef, He is also the biological father of Jenna Bush. Jack is (along with K.G) rock in pure living form. He is also widely regarded as the GOD OF MOTHER FUCKING ROCK
HE SIT ON COUCH AND BREAK THEM!
Contents |
[edit] Career
Jack Black gained access to millions of movie goers hearts by throwing his weight around and being mentally handicapped. He was born in the small town of Kickapoo, Missouri, to a highly religious family before Ronnie James Dio convinced him to move to Somalia to start a smoothie shop. He not only makes eye-brow based funny-fat-guy faces, but at the premier of his first movie, he gave away real pieces of fat torn off of his stomach by trained circus ants. These fat chunks were wrapped in foil and plastic wrap to keep them from decaying back into the dark oozing liquid Black is made of (Hence the name Black). These fat gifts were used to keep the movie viewers entertained during the trailers. Unfortunately, this ingenious ploy did not work, as the fat gained sentience and, recognizing Black as its source and maker, tried to escape the foil and plastic wrapping to find enlightenment. During the fat's rush to Nirvana, the carpet and ceiling of every cinema in existence was covered liberally with partially decayed fat-ooze. Through a time warp, the mass of fat, now sporting many eyes, inspired H. P. Lovecraft's shoggoths.
Some people think that Black is a mystical wishgiving cat, but it's clearly obvious he is in fact a goat. A magical goat that has the power to cure any disease in the world. Even chicken pox. Jack black was actually black in his childhood. But after seeing what plastic surgery can do (Michael Jackson) he decided to try it for himself. His true father is Samuel L. Blackson. Jack Black is also known as the possesser of the Infinity Gauntlet.
A form of this fat has been tamed using positive reenforcement and cleaning fluid and is being marketed as hair gel. Other forms include plastic, certain metals, Michael Jackson's nose, silicone, polyester, rayon, Michael Jackson's body, Jessica Simpson's brain, the Flood, Michael Jackson's face, and cylons. He bought a Electric Guitare from Maxlam and sell it back to a man who playing runescape for a lot of pencils.
The remainder of the fat that had not been reduced to dark ooze was used to create the Creature Creation Agencies through which the fat would be trained into assuming the shape of animals or animal hybrids.
Since the fat-shoggoth incident, Jack Black has achieved godly status among 3 billion people of the world. He is so loved, in fact, that China changed its name from China to Jackblackoplis. His eyebrows, having achieved some sort of sentience, have helped Black take control of millions of minds.
Recently Jack Black took over the Torchwood 3 institute over the Cardiff Time Rift and now is the self-proclaimed captain of a team that protects the Welsh from evil aliens while having sex with everything that moves, only then to be fired shortly after for not being bisexual, immortal, already dead or even a human.
Black is immortal and was responsible for the conception of Jesus Christ.
Known associates: Young school children Sasquatches Black men who arn't really black men who attack the fake vietcon The Devil The God of Rock and Roll
Influenced and Influences:
Influenced many great rock artist while traveling though the rock time continuem.
Baroque Osama sorry Obama
Spanish Minstrels back in 1756
John Lenin
Ozzy Osbourne and many other homosexuals
[edit] Acting Style
Jack Black's acting style is similar to that of Jim Carrey if he was dropped on his head while smoking pot and listening to AC/DC. The central premise of most of Jack Black's characters centre around several requirements.
- The Character must possess street smarts, but lack common sense and self-restraint
- The Character must be fat and loud
- The Character must be "kooky" in a family-movie kind of way
- The Character must be selfish
- The Character must wear a flanelette shirt at some point
- (optional, but recommended) The Character must be obsessed with classic rock, and express this in loud, unprovoked outbursts, usually consisting of a single yelled word, namely "RAWK!"
- (optional, but recommended) The Character must call everyone a "dude," even when they are clearly not.
- The Character must be fuzzy-wuzzy and oh so huggable.
JACK BLACK = BEST ACTOR EVAR.
[edit] Childhood
The alien liquid that makes up Jack Black did go through a juvenile state in order to form into its current guise. The exact course of this development stage is unknown, but it is said to involve the sacrifice of twelve and a half virgin hookers during a total solar eclipse. Needless to say, the foundation of Jack Black is far older than his (if it has a gender) guise would like us to believe.
Recently, Scientists have found the formula for the original liquid, allowing them to create more entities akin to Jack Black. This has spawned sub-godly actors like Samuel Jackson, Morgan Freeman, and Conan O'Brien. After this was discovered, scientists began an intensive study of the fluid, and found that it cures cancer and every disease known to mankind.
The part of the liquid containing all the talent separated and became Jack White. However, White missed the untalentedness of Black and so formed The White Stripes with Meg White. However apparently Jack Black and Jack White are planning to unite The White Stripes and Tenacious D as The Black and White Stripes. They will record the soundtrack album for the upcoming Postman Pat live action film, staring Nicholas Cage as Postman Pat. Black has already won the coveted role of Pat, whilst White has been lined up to play the Reverend Timms.
some of the goo left over from jack blacks old sweat socks was discovered and sent to a lab in texas. during the late 1980's the goo was fed into a pile of empty whiskey bottles on irlands shore and left to age in the sun in 1988 the goo was recovered and altered by mixing it with poyate and a large does of that stuff over by the table. the life that ended up forming from this mixture of whiskey and jack black was never given a humanly pronoucable name it began to eat things and question god in it's larval form it killed ever stupid fucker that ever put a bunch of useless shit about chuck norris it killed them in the face to death until they all died from it it also forced you to read a really long run on sentance.
that night the jonas brothers band was awaken from there clone tubs they were created by jack thompson to battle jack black
so he beat them to death with there own dildos while thompson blamed grand theft auto 4
and was kicked in the stomach by an angry pregnent woman
the whisky/goo now fully self aware began to drink heavily and gamble on horse races summon a giant spider to kill the living fuck out everyone who ever had an account for deviantart.
this was one of the factures that led tothe emo genocide and with the help of lemmy kilmister and dio the war between emo'scene kids'goths'rich kids and douche bags vs real people began this point in history was jack blacks barmitzfa. a video game based on this war is planned
