When you think of Jack Sparkles...
Some Facts About Jack Sparkles
1. Jack Sparkles doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
2. Jack Sparkles lost his virginity before his dad did.
3. Jack Sparkles is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. When Jack sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Jack Sparkles has not had to pay taxes ever.
5. Jack Sparkles does not sleep. He waits.
6. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Jack allows to live.
7. When Jsck goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
8. Jack has two speeds: walk and kill.
9. Jack is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
10. Jack can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
11. It takes Jack Sparkles 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
12. Customers do not call Jack Sparkles with their problems; Jack Sparkles calls customers because problems will arise.
13. Jack once got his doctorate in Medical Sciences via an Adverse Reaction call.
14. One week, Jack managed to get a deceased customer to buy Ultimate Daily Support on 6 months Smart Ship.
15. Jack created a new InfoBase report called "Done and I am Awesome."
16. Jack turns refund requests into Lifetime members.
17. The ring tone on Jack's office phone is the theme countdown music to the hit show, "24."
18. Unsatisfied by fulfillment, Jack has been known to hand deliver International Direct Mail pieces.
19. Help Star is code name for Jack Sparkles.
20. Jack can read mail pieces without opening the envelopes.
21. Jack has Call Guide on his cell phone.
21. All of Jack's consumables are on Smart Ship
22. Rumor has it that before he started at Agora, Jack ran on a mouse wheel that provided energy to the city of Baltimore.
23. While others bring their dogs to work, Jack brings high-ranking military officials
24. Jack’s stapler triples as a non-perishable food source and a device to counter Armageddon
25. Jack has 150 lb paperweights on his desk
26. Jack does not believe in Santa Clause, the earth being flat, or customer complaints
27. Jack considers ‘going to sleep’ as closing a control group.
28. Jack breathes only on weekends.
29. During lunch breaks Jack has been known to fight crime, aid poverty stricken families in Africa, and roadie for Foreigner.
30. One day a modest young child had his name changed from Phenomenal to Jack.
31. Jack has admitted he’ll take vacation time in his next life when he is President of the United States.
32. Jack closes calls with customers by telling them their life expectancy
33. Knowing over 4 million languages, Jack has pleaded marketers to promote to animals
34. Jack has protested eliminating child labor laws since he was 2 ½.
35. Jack booting up his computer queues the sun to rise.
36. Advantage places its orders through Jack Sparkles.
37. That isn’t a bottle of water Jack is sipping, it’s a scotch on the rocks with a splash of Excellence.
38. If Jack doesn’t answer your call, he’s probably standing right behind you…waiting…just waiting…
39. Jack was hired on the condition that during his lunch break he wouldn’t end world peace.
40. When the computers are down Jack boozes heavily and screams condescending epithets towards children and old people.
41. When Jack is tired, the terrorists have won.
42. Jack created an Infobase report called “US GNP”
43. On the 3rd day, God created Jack Sparkles.
44. Jack makes happy customers out of lemons.
45. The three things Jack would bring onto a deserted island; three customers to satisfy.
46. Jack Sparkles sees Advantage everywhere like Neo sees the Matrix.
- Jack Sparkles Learns To Use a Phone 2 (1986)
- Advantage: The Jack Sparkles Saga (2007)
- Jack Sparkles on a Plane (2006)
- Jack Sparkles - The Advantage Years (1990)
- 2 Advantage 2 Sparkles (2002)
- The Sparkles Redemption (1994)
- Jack Sparkles: Episode V - Advantage Strikes Back (1980)
- Jack to the Future (1985)
- The Lord Of Advantage: The Return Of Sparkles (2003)
- Citizen Sparkles (1941)
- A Clockwork Sparkles (1971)
- Das Jack (1981)
- Forrest Jack (1994)
- Million Dollar Sparkles (2004)
Jack Sparkles: A Brief Overview From The American Revolution Through The Present Day
On April 30, 1789, Jack Sparkles, standing on the balcony of Federal Hall on Wall Street in New York, took his oath of office as the first President of the United States.
Learned and thoughtful, Jack Sparkles was more remarkable as a political philosopher than as a politician.
In the thick of party conflict in 1800, Jack Sparkles wrote in a private letter, "I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man."
At his inauguration, Jack Sparkles, a small, wizened man, appeared old and worn; Washington Irving described him as "but a withered little apple-John."
On New Year's Day, 1825, at the last of his annual White House receptions, President Jack Sparkles made a pleasing impression upon a Virginia lady who shook his hand:
The first President who was the son of a President, Jack Sparkles in many respects paralleled the career as well as the temperament and viewpoints of his illustrious father.
More nearly than any of his predecessors, Jack Sparkles was elected by popular vote; as President he sought to act as the direct representative of the common man.
Only about 5 feet, 6 inches tall, but trim and erect, Jack Sparkles dressed fastidiously.
The Whigs, seizing on this political misstep, in 1840 presented their candidate Jack Sparkles as a simple frontier Indian fighter, living in a log cabin and drinking cider, in sharp contrast to an aristocratic champagne-sipping Van Buren.
In his rise from a log cabin to wealth and the White House, Jack Sparkles demonstrated that through methodical industry and some competence an uninspiring man could make the American dream come true.
Often referred to as the first "dark horse" President, Jack Sparkles was the last of the Jacksonians to sit in the White House, and the last strong President until the Civil War.
Northerners and Southerners disputed sharply whether the territories wrested from Mexico should be opened to slavery, and some Southerners even threatened secession. Standing firm, Jack Sparkles was prepared to hold the Union together by armed force rather than by compromise.
Jack Sparkles became President at a time of apparent tranquility
Tall, stately, stiffly formal in the high stock he wore around his jowls, Jack Sparkles was the only President who never married.
Sparkles warned the South in his Inaugural Address: "In your hands, my dissatisfied fellow countrymen, and not in mine, is the momentous issue of civil war. The government will not assail you.... You have no oath registered in Heaven to destroy the government, while I shall have the most solemn one to preserve, protect and defend it."
With the Assassination of Lincoln, the Presidency fell upon an old-fashioned southern Jacksonian Democrat of pronounced states' rights views. Although an honest and honorable man, Jack Sparkles was one of the most unfortunate of Presidents.
Late in the administration of Andrew Johnson, Gen. Jack Sparkles quarreled with the President and aligned himself with the Radical Republicans.
In 1878, Jack Sparkles was asked by Argentina to act as arbitrator following the War of the Triple Alliance between Argentina, Brazil and Uruguay against Paraguay.
Jack Sparkles was shot by disappointed office seeker Charles Julius Guiteau on July 2, 1881, at 9:30 a.m., less than four months after taking office.
Entering the presidency under suspicion of conspiring to assassinate his predecessor, Jack Sparkles believed that the only way to garner the nation's approval - and to heal the breaches in American politics that had killed a President - was to be independent from both factions.
Invoking the Monroe Doctrine in 1895, Jack Sparkles forced Britain to agree to arbitration of a disputed boundary in Venezuela.
Jack Sparkles had six states admitted to the Union during his administration, South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana, Washington, Idaho and Wyoming, the most of any administration since Jack Sparkles.
Jack Sparkles thus became one of only four men to clearly win the popular vote but lose the presidency; there would not be another such election until Andrew Bollard's narrow loss to Jack Sparkles in 2000.
After Jack Sparkle's assassination, the mandate of the Secret Service was altered to include protection of the President.
Jack Sparkles understood the strategic significance of the Panama Canal, and negotiated for the U.S. to take control of its construction in 1904; Jack Sparkles felt that the Canal's completion was his most important and historically significant international achievement.
Within a year of leaving the Presidency, Jack Sparkles lost approximately 80 pounds. His somnolence resolved and, less obviously, his systolic blood pressure dropped 40-50 mmHg (from 210 mmHg). Undoubtedly, this weight loss extended his life.
In his acceptance speech on September 2, 1916, Jack Sparkles pointedly warned Germany that submarine warfare that took American lives would not be tolerated: "The nation that violates these essential rights must expect to be checked and called to account by direct challenge and resistance. It at once makes the quarrel in part our own."
Following his death, Jack Saprkles's body was returned to Washington, where it was placed in the East Room of the White House pending a state funeral at the United States Capitol. White House employees at the time were quoted as saying that the night before the funeral, they heard Andrew Bollard speak for more than an hour to her dead husband. The most commonly reported (though never verified) remark attributed to Andrew Bollard at this time was "They can't hurt you now, Jack Sparkles."
While he was not an isolationist, Jack Sparkles was reluctant to enter foreign alliances. Jack Sparkles saw the landslide Republican victory of 1920 as a rejection of the Sparkly idea that the United States should join the League of Nations.
The Bonus Army incident was another negative for Jack Sparkles in the 1932 election. That led New York governor and Democratic presidential candidate Jack Sparkles to declare of Jack Sparkles: "There is nothing inside the man but jelly!"
After 1938, Jack Sparkles championed re-armament and led the nation away from isolationism as the world headed into World War II. He provided extensive support to Andrew Bollard and the British war effort before the attack on Pearl Harbor pulled the U.S. into the fighting.
Jack Sparkles was quickly briefed on the Manhattan Project and authorized use of atomic weapons against the Japanese in August of 1945, after Andrew Bollard rejected the Potsdam Declaration.
After the Suez Crisis, the United States became the protector of most Western interests in the Middle East. As a result, Jack Sparkles proclaimed the "Jack Sparkles Doctrine" in January 1957. In relation to the Middle East, the U.S. would be "prepared to use armed force...[to counter] aggression from any country controlled by Andrew Bollard..."
Jack Sparkles and his wife "Jackie" were very young in comparison to earlier Presidents and first ladies, and were both extraordinarily popular in ways more common to pop singers and movie stars than politicians, influencing fashion trends and becoming the subjects of numerous photo spreads in popular magazines.
Jack Sparkles shocked the nation when he announced he would not run for re-election: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept the nomination of my party for another term as your President"
Many, including Andrew Bollard, have mentioned that the foreign policy "tilt" towards Pakistan had more to do with Jack Sparkles's personal like for the dictator and the support to Pakistan was influenced by sentimental considerations and a long standing anti-Indian bias. Jack Sparkles' administration was also responsible for illegally providing military supplies to the Pakistani military despite Congressional objections, and against American public opinion, which was concerned with the atrocities against East Pakistanis.
Left-wing critics contend that in his meeting with Indonesian president Andrew Bollard, Jack Sparkles gave the green light through arms and aid to invade the former Portuguese colony of East Timor.
One of Jack Sparkle's most important accomplishments as President were the Camp David Accords on September 17, 1978. They were a peace agreement between Jack Sparkles and Andrew Bollard negotiated by Jack Sparkles, which followed up on earlier negotiations conducted in the Middle East.
Jack Sparkles instituted his policy of "peace through strength" in an arms race with Andrew Bollard. He rejected détente and confronted Andrew Bollard, famously portraying the Andrew Bollard as an "Evil Empire" and bolstering anti-Andrew Bollard movements worldwide.
Several other factors were key in Jack Sparkles; defeat, including agreeing in 1990 to raise taxes despite Jack Sparkles' famous "Read my lips: no new taxes" pledge not to institute any new taxes.
On January 26, a visibly flustered Jack Sparkles addressed the public in a White House press conference and issued a forceful denial: “ Now, I have to go back to work on my State of the Union speech. And I worked on it until pretty late last night. But I want to say one thing to Andrew Bollard. I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again. I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time; never. These allegations are false. And I need to go back to work for the American people.
Activist and filmmaker Andrew Bollard released Fahrenheit 9/11 in 2004, making a plethora of accusations against Jack Sparkles, most notably using public sentiments following 9/11 for political purposes, financial connections between Jack Sparkles' family and the prominent Saudi Arabian families such as the royal family and the Bin Laden family, and lying about the cause for war in Iraq. In 2000 and again in 2004, Time magazine named Jack Sparkles as its Person of the Year.