Jackass

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Jackass Ltd is a small company based in Nottingham. Since its creation in 2001, it has taken a variety of different owners and functions. The current company is the fourth edition, with the current two all time members also being the owners, directors, managers and general assistants. In previous editions of the company there has been many members with the work load more spread out. It remains a low-key company with many objectives and schemes for the future.

History[edit]

The footage that inspired Johnny Knoxville and his stuntist team to produce the show Jackass.

The first edition of Jackass was a gang of youths messing around doing stunts like the American TV show, Jackass. However, they do it naked, this Nottinghamshire version of Jackass was and always will be better than the 'real' thing. This collapsed after many members left.

The second edition saw the gang take on a more business like structure. However, after disagreements with the gangs direction, again it sadly collapsed.

The third edition saw Jackass really up on its feet as a business selling non-alcoholic refreshments at a bar. This is when the business peaked at being the most efficient. When members started to get tired of the bar not opening, many lost interest and left to pursue careers in prostitution. Jackass was left desperate with an all time low of share prices. After discussions with Nottingham's heavy weight in business, DDDI, a deal was made and they bought Jackass. When things was looking good, DDDI did a runner with Jackass' finances, competley destroying the company.

The current fourth edition started with this dissolution of DDDI in 2006. This is where ex-DDDI boss Mr Chaucer did a deal with Mr Shakespeare to ensure the rise of a new Jackass. With Chaucer's experience and capital and Shakespeare's determination, they had joined forces to create what is now a super power in business world-wide.

News[edit]

2006:

October - Uncyclopeida page launched.

November - Plans for a company van begin. This will soon become a reality and enable us to expand into new markets.

December - We now have a driver for the van. All we need now is a van. More news in the New Year!

2007:

January - Plans are drawn up for the Jackass World Tour 2007. We will be capitalising from a selection of cities around the world. Tickets go on sale in February.

February - Plans are made for the new financial year. Targets are set to be met by the 5th of April 2007. Gordon Brown will not see a penny of Jackass' hard earned cash. The Jackass ciriminal trials will be covered in this section later next month. One of the bosses birthdays - celebrations will be taking place throughout the later part of February.

March - Jackass is cleared of all charges at Nottingham Crown Court. Jackass has now filed cases of Slander againts the pressure group. On 16/03/07, Jackass raised a grand total of 75p (GB £) for charity Comic Relief. They achieved this my wearing suits to put smiles on the faces of those who they met. This has been an excellent marketing stunt for Jackass. "It's not about how much money you raise, it's the fact that you can put a smile on the face of a starnger" says Mr Chaucer.

April - As the financial year came to a close, Jackass celebrated huge profits and large expansion. Jackass is interested in buying the majority of Tesco's shares, from which they are now preparing talks. A secured deal will make Jackass one of the biggest companys in the world, not that it is already. One of the bosses birthdays - celebrations will be taking place throughout the later part of April.

May - Mr Chaucer and Mr Shakespeare has an interview on BBC Radio Nottingham.The final plans for Operation Ministry of Mayhem have been finalised for the final time. The operation will take place on the 25th May.

June - Funds for a white van are nearly complete. The van should be purchased around July/August time.

July- No news.

August - Jackass management summer holiday. All power and decision making has been left to a dog that is using a lap-top computer.

September - A company vehicle is finally purchased. Jackass can now carry out exploits all over the world!

October - One year since the Uncyclopedia was launched. The AGM took place on the 3rd, revealing many new and exciting plans for the future.

November - The sitcom is in it's final edit. Plans for Operation Christmas tree are consolidated. Jackass begin raising money for Children In Need. (99% of money raised will go back into Jackass to cover operating costs. Mr Chaucer stated: "We will endeavor to raise as much money as possible for the poor orphans, however, due to a warm autumn, the Jackass winter clothes lines haven't sold as forecasted. This means that losses need to be covered." Mr Shakespeare then added: "Yes, after all, Jackass is a business and it's long-term future needs to be sustained. As Mr Chaucer said, we will do our best to raise money for the children in need. We hope to exceed the amount (75p) we raised for Comic Nose day back in March." The JMT also looks forward to welcoming the German Christmas market at the end of the month. Mr Chaucer stated: "It's all in the past now, we can move on and be friends. I can't wait for them to march into Nottingham and start trading. We have some good business contacts and hope to captialise on their presence here in Nottingham." Mr Shakespeare also stated: "Even though most of them are actually Turkish, their Brockwursts are of excellent value and decent quality."

December - The sitcom has been sent to the BBC! Final preparations has been made for Operation Christmas Tree.

Jackass management raising money for Comic Nose Day, March 2007!

Business Objectives[edit]

1. To provide a fantasticle services to the people of the world

2. To provide four social events per year for all staff to indulge in, a Chistmas one is compulsary. (See Operation Christmas Tree below)

3. To expand by 670.89492% by 5/4/08

4. Increase Revenue

5. Desrtroy all essential evidence beofre the new Jackass criminal trials

6. Increase output of Comedy-Genius Poems

7. Increase the number of Dumble Management projects

8. Invest in time for charity projects

9. Start a karaoke career

Operation Christmas Tree[edit]

For the Jackass social events, a compulsory outing has to be provided. The event involves going to Mapperley to admire the Christmas tree lights, purchase some fish and chips from 'The Plains' and then admire the lights even more. Special years (SY) e.g 5th anniversary of the event(See 2006 date below), involves most of the day, rather than the tradition of spending just the evening completing the operation. The compulsory event occurs either on the night before the night before Christmas or the night before Christmas, depending on the situation. See below previous Operation Christmas Tree:

23/12/02, 23/12/03, 23/12/04, 24/12/05, 23/12/06 (SY), 24/12/07, 23/12/08 (SY).

Products and Services[edit]

Below are our current top five selling products:

1. Kinkki Nipon track-suit bottoms

2. Cunto Coffee

3. Whodidhe Nickabollockoff action figure

4. Krappa, the new chocolate bar selection (now available in advent calenders)

5. Bum, the crisps range released in Spain

We are also piloting the launch of a new service, where the the customers can hire us to prank call victims. We can do a whole range of situations to which we call. The current top 5 situations are:

1. The wife's left me

2. Strange language

3. Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap

4. Alliteration

5. GM foods

Comedy Genius Poetry[edit]

For your benefit, we are showing you a selection of our comedy genius poetry that we are currently writing. More to add very soon. Keep checking back as much as possible. Please. We mean it. Enjoy!

Please feel free to broadcast your own comedy genius poetry on this page. Any poetry considered not to be comedy genius will be deleted by Jackass management.


The Answer Phone

Hello, not around at the moment so please leave a massage


Alright Mitch? It’s Mandy.

How’s it going pal?

Listen mate I’m just not happy,

The wife’s left me again.

Ok, gives us a ring mate.

Cheers.


Bonjourno. Richie Sambora.

Muchos gracias channel nine.

He is mus macho, he is Cuban-o.

Tantalisingly tall trampy topless teenagers

Tend to titillate tempted taxi-drivers.

Muchos gracias, Bon Jovi.


‘lo Leemcclory,

Lovely ladies love

Licking Leemcclory’s large languishing

Love lip.

Lovely…..


Yo, it’s the green machine

Gonna rock the town

Without being seen

Have you ever seen a turtle get down?


How’s it going our kid?

Sound as a pound!

The name is John Barnes,

I come from Jamaica.

Call us man.


‘Allo! Alarmingly angry and agitated

Alligators are aroused around

Ageing arseholes

Alistair!


Listen to me! I bought some Gammon today

It said Gammon GM free.

I thought f’cough!

A g at the start and two m’s in the middle?


That’s no f’king good to me! (Slam)

(Thanks to the Alliteration article for some material and inspiration).


Operation Christmas Tree

T'was the night before,

The night before Christmas.

Hooligans krept from the pubs,

Oh what a noise!


Small chips, small fish,

And a cheese n' onion fry-it please.

For me, small fish,

And small chips. Ta Duck.


Off they went to,

The 45 bus shelter and had their chips.

Plotting schemes and having fun,

Then off to Greggs for a Jam doughnut!


Mapperley is singing out tonight,

Wailing from pub-to-pub,

The sounds of the larger louts.

There is Lee McClory...



"What are you two loitering around her for?"

Jackass Extreme Mountain Biking[edit]

See pictures and article at a later date

Jackass Extreme Spring Shoe Full Contact[edit]

Ultimate Spring Shoe Pogo Event (U.S.S.P.E). Jackass members will be facing the dread. Be prepared.

Jackass Ultimate Dumble Management[edit]

See pictures and article at a later date


Bam Margera[edit]

What will he do next?

“Likely, whatever the fuck he wants.”

~ Deadpool on above question

Jackass Espionage Training Events[edit]

On the 11/02/07, at a secret location in Nottingham, the members of Jackass took part in espionage training. The training was for several secret upcoming missions. Further details may not be provided due to the secrecy nature of the missions. However, please take a few minutes to enjoy some pictures of us training. (Pictures to follow shortly)

Jackass Rivals[edit]

Jackass Events[edit]

Jackass also act as agents for some famous people. Currently we have set up a contract with the Chuckle Brothers since they were sacked from the BBC for abusive behaviour. At the minute we are in a DJ'ing contract with the brothers. If anyone wishes to hire them for a rave please get in touch with us. To see a taster of them in action click on the following link.

As you can see they are quite impresive for their age, the eldest being 65 and the youngest 58.

We are about to set up a contract that will see Prince Charles part of the support act for the Rolling Stones' next tour. For Prince Charles, work has been drying up since his marriage so he'll be glad of this project. Talking of which, it is Jackass who has been telling the Rolling Stones magazine the release dates of the long long long long long 13 years awaiting of Guns N' Roses next album, Chinese Democracy. Jackass now admits that there is no such thing. However, frontman Axl Rose stole the idea from us and is now planning to release the album this year.

Jackass Rankings[edit]

Jam Doughnuts:

1. Greggs

2. Three Cooks

3. Bird's

4. Dawson's

5. Goose Fair (plain, with sugar)

Fish and Chip shops:

1. The Plains Fish Bar

2. The Blue Circle (Under review)

3. The Lace Market Fish Bar

4. Orlandos Magic Stick Wag repeat after me yo soy un pato basicly what historical books say is that what you just said makes you the best at what you do repeat>siendo un pato Alex memetito el fatty

Jackass Research[edit]

As Jackass is a decent business, we tried being more ethical. We began by launching an Elvis Presley themed 'Save the Sharks' poster. After this was a success, we tried to help the world on a larger scale, global warming. After some reseach we surprisingly discovered that the heat from toasters is responsible for 90% of global warming. From these shocking conclusions we a filing an international agreement to ban toasters from both domestic and industrail use. However, the only exception that will be made is on the NASA space programmes where toasters can be used as much as you like as long you're above the Cosmos. We are asking all readers to support our case of saving the world by boycotting the use of toasters and helping us file the international agreement. Thank you for your caring attitude.

Please note, the above statement is not funny, global warming is a serious issue and we need your support. Please stop using toasters! Just because it is on Uncyclopedia doesn't mean it is a load of old balls. You may be surprised to know that Jackass is a real company, exactly as it says in the above article, just ask anyone you know who's from Nottingham.


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Jackass is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.