“Please don't hurt meeee!”
“I have no mother.”
“OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!”
Jackie Stallone (née Abomination; born November 29, 1921)[yeah right!] is an American astrologer, conspiracy theorist and celebrity stalker who is the mother of the Hollywood action film star Sylvester Stallone and ex-wife of the singer Frank Stallone.
Childhood and the Rising
Stallone was born in Transylvania, Hertfordshire in November 1346. She had a quiet childhood, feeding on the blood and young of the innocent, and spending the rest of her time hanging upside down from the ceiling or in an unused coffin in the crypt of her house. Over the years, Jackie patiently waited and bided her time until the day came for her resurrection, and integration into society. This day was July 6th, 1943 (which was also conveniently the day of birth of one of her many spawn, Sylvester Stallone). On this day, Jackie rose from the crypt, and struck fear and terror into the hearts of mortals with her evil ways and freakish appearance.
Jackie is cited as one of the founders of rap music, and was regarded as a hip-hop pioneer in the late 70s and early 80s with her free flowing beats and rhymes. Jackie is also regarded as having coined the phrase "gangsta", and also as having invented gravity. In 1997, Jackie released a collaboration with a whole host of world class rappers, such as Mr T, Flava Flav and Vanilla Ice. The single, entitled 'Yeah, Jackie', entered the charts at Number -1, because it was deemed too good for positive numbers. The track sold over 999,999,999,999 copies on its first day of release, and is the third highest selling song ever, charting just behind Lou Bega's 'Mambo No. 5' and Alien Ant Farm's cover of Michael Jackson's 'Smooth Criminal'.
Jackie capitalised on her success as a rapper and moved into making films. She starred in a number of films in the late 90's, including 'MILF Party 6', 'Saggy and Slaggy' and a cameo in Steven Spielberg's 'Jurassic Park' as the T-Rex. A number of Jackie's fans were unhappy with her move into movies, but Jackie replied with yet another of her short, witty one-liners, "Fuck you, kid". She later went on to admit, "If it dangles, I'll suck it".
Unfortunately for Jackie, just as her career was beginning to take off, disaster struck. During a holiday in Chernobyl, Ukraine, a meltdown occurred in the nuclear power plant which was adjacent to her hotel room. Fortunately, Jackie escaped unharmed but for severe facial mutation, evidence of which still remains today. For a short period of time, Jackie also had another head on her shoulder, which was due to the amount of radiation she was exposed to in the disaster. This head was surgically removed by Hugh Laurie with the help of a toothbrush, a lighter and a razorblade, and the head later launched his own solo career under the name of Rick Astley. Unfortunately, the world had no place for Rick, and he committed suicide in 2003 by an enormous dose of homosexuality.