Jackson Cage

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“This guy, is like, totally awesome! Oh, Jackson Cage? Nah, he's a total twat.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Jackson Cage

“I love this guy, he invented knobs.”

~ Oscar the Grouch on Jackson Cage


Jackson Cage is an elusive character who sports an awesome beard, and a stylin mop of hair. He survives on a steady diet of chicken wings and draft beer.


From not Onero, but Truro Nova Scotia He was born in a puddle in a fishing shack, a giant crab pinched off his baby toe and ran back into the deep with it. This was the beginning of a lifelong obsession with getting crabs.


He decided that the name of the crab would be Mister Pinchy, and spent days at a time pouring barrels of toxic waste into the ocean in the hopes that eventually Mister Pinchy would succumb to the toxins and float ashore with his missing toe.

He eventually gave up on finding the toe, and created a new one (that is still on his foot today) made entirely out of chiklets chewing gum.

Jackson Cage spent most of his formative years with a family of walruses who took shelter in a cave near his home. He learned much from these gentle creatures, first and foremost, the ability to harpoon a guy with his canine teeth.


His best friend was Jimmy McCrappleharry who was invisible to everyone but Jackson Cage, but since everyone ignored him, nobody realized that Jackson Cage was crazy and was only seeing Jimmy after ingesting massive amounts of the special mushrooms that grew beneath his house. He ate so many of these mushrooms in fact, that in later life he developed a third nipple, and a weird twitch.

Later in life, he would admit that Jimmy was only in his imagination, however recently, he has begun to speak of another imaginary friend, he refers to him as BBB.

He one time befriended a hockey puck, who he would refer to as precious. He carried precious around with him all the time having lenthly discussions about why women will never understand the game of hockey. The puck ended up betraying him though, when it ran off with another hockey player one night while drinking at the Blue Goose. He never forgot that betrayal, and to this day has a hard time getting intimate with inatimate objects.

The Big City[edit]

Eventually, the residants of the small fishing village of Truro (the Truronians) met with the sea king who ruled over their hamlet with an iron fist. They explained to him that even since his parents released him from his cage Jackson Cage had been stealing their chickens, so the sea king banished Jackson Cage to the big city.

The denizens of the big city embraced him, because they had never seen such a fantastic beard and soon he was a celebrity.

Eventually though, the stolen video of Jackson Cage romancing the mayor of Mississauga (the 90something year old Hazel Mcallian) was put up on Youtube, and soon the general public lost their love for his magnificent beard, because it was now tainted with the scent of old lady love.

At one point, he was a prime suspect in a brazen daytime mass killing spree at a local GO Train station. A tall man in a brown suede jacket was caught on surveilance cameras brandishing an automatic weapon. Horrified onlookers quoted the madman shouting "Fuckers! Every last goddamn one of ya!!! I TOLD you there was no room on the elevator!!!" Cage was spared a long jail sentence by several witnesses who identified themselves as "Cagers" who testified that he had been at home posting on an internet "social group".

Memorable Quotes:[edit]

"do not order anything fancy from the drivethru window"

"nobody should be allowed to park downtown"

"nobody in the city knows how to cook a lobster"

"Ordering cream and fanciness in your coffee slows down the line, don't do it"

"slow tahdee"

"East Coast is the best coast"

"fuck off ya knob"

"Yer a twit !"

"pets are not children"

"Beer is a mans drink"


"I hate cats."

"Don't tell me not to sweat the small stuff!!!

"You were watching a movie ya knee tit!!!!"


Jackson Cage is best viewed from a distance in his natural habitat, the tavern.

He will gladly inform you that he is hung like a hampster, however he sure knows how to drive a bed.

He leads a cult at times, the cult members refer to themselves as members of his cage. Their devotion is formidable.

He enjoys having his third nipple stroked.

The Parking Authority has him picture in its Hall of Fame

Feels Bruce Springsteen let him down with his latest cover album

Has a parrot shaped mole on his shoulder, some say it's because he is a pirate

Thinks all tv shows should be hosted by Regis Philbin

Hates the word poop



Anyone who holds up the line

Anyone who says Sloppy Joe's wings are not the best

Elevator people

See also[edit]

   v  d  e
The Jacksons

Andrew Jackson | Bo Jackson | Jackson Pollock | Jacksonville | Janet Jackson | Jerry Jackson | Jesse Jackson | Michael Jackson | Randy Jackson | Samuel L. Jackson | Stonewall Jackson | Who The Fuck Is Jackson Pollock?