Jam Jesus
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The Jee Man Himself has shown, in his infinite wisdom, that he is the ultimate purveyor of all things nifty, spiffy, and generally interesting. He has personally reviewed this article and given His blessing. The submitter may be forgiven three venial sins or one mortal sin.
“Him and I go together like peas 'n carrots.”
~ Peanut Butter Jesus on Jam Jesus
Contents |
[edit] Jam Jesus for Dummies
Jam Jesus is a one-of-a-kind jam flavor marketed to peoples of all religions. Made by the Popefood Corporation, Jam Jesus soon became the world's favourite religious condement.
[edit] In the Beginning...
God decided to make his son into a big hunk of grape jam. They say God works in mysterious ways. Personally, I think that it would have been better if it was strawberry jam, as strawberries are known for their healing, all-knowing and generally spiffy awesomeness. But apparently, according to the Pope, 'I decree that grape jam hath thou eternal blessing! Thy jam of strawberry sinnings shalt burn forever in the fiery depths of hell'. He then went on to say that Victoria Beckham has a fitter arse than Kylie, but by that time visiting hours had ended and he was taken back to his cell.
[edit] What Happened?
At a party, Jam Jesus decided to get pissed with his mates! by turning some water into wine and found that he could only make grape Jell-o so his mates left him because he lost his piss every one up powers. He was so depressed that he punched himself in the balls and then he sold himself to the Popefood Neonazi Corporation. The Popefood Neonazi Corporation started selling Jam Jesus clones made from Jam Jesus genetic material and soon won global love.
[edit] The Other Holy Condiments
The Popefood Corporation decided to come out with sequels to Jam Jesus a year later. Mustard Moses, Ketchup Korach, Salsa Saul, Mayonnaise Methuselah, and others. None ever did well.
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| DinoJesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | When there's no more room in Heaven...: Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus-Sonic: Lord and Savior of Hedgehogs and Sega gaming. | The multidimensional, Scientological king of rodents: King of the Shrews |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jeez-Its: Orange, crunchy, and fun to eat! Get your own box. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...that's Divine! | Oh, where have all the Jesii gone? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you: Hershey's Jesii and Creme |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
| Mecha Jesii | |
| Cyborg Jesus: Retrofit by God after death | Domo arigato, señor: Robot Jesus |
| JESUS 9000: "Open the Pearly Gates, JESUS."
"I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." | Gets your soul white, white, WHITE!: All-Purpose Jesus |
| Optijesus Prime: Saviour of the transformers | |
