James Monroe

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“Doctrine This!”

~ James Monroe on The Monroe Doctrine

James Monroe (April 28, 1758 - 1776, 1801, 1831, 1870, 1902, 1926, 1964, 1980, 1991, 2002, 2009) was the fifth president of the United States of America and one of the 43 non black presidents. He was the first person to correctly tell the difference between the words "desert" and "dessert". He had his "s" down pat.

Monroe's father, Spence Monroe (1727–1774) was a moderately prosperous planter who also learned the carpentry trade and was an international squash champion. His mother, Elizabeth Jones Monroe (1730–1774) married Spence Monroe in 1752. They had four children to live to maturity:

  • Elizabeth Monroe Buckner - of Caroline County, Virginia.
  • James Monroe--not that important (I guess?)
  • Spence Monroe, Jr. - Died at age 1. Oh well.
  • Andrew Monroe - of Albemarle County, Virginia.
  • Joseph Jones Monroe - private secretary to President Monroe; later married Marilyn and settled in Missouri.

Between the ages of 11 and 16, Monroe studied at Campbelltown Academy, an online diploma mill run by Marvin "Smokin' Marv" Campbell of Washington Parish. There, he excelled as a prodigious pupil and progressed through Latin and mathematics at a rate faster than that of most boys his age. John Marshall, later Chief Justice of the United States, was among his classmates, as was J.E.B. Bush. At the age of 16, Monroe enrolled at the College of William and Mary. However in 1774, the atmosphere on the Williamsburg campus was not conducive to study, and the prospect of rebellion against King George III charged most of the students, including Monroe, with patriotic fervor. In June 1775, after the battles of Lexington and Concord had sounded the opening guns of the Revolutionary War, Monroe joined 24 older men in raiding the liquor store at the Governor's Palace. The 200 barrelss and 300 six-packs they appropriated helped arm the Williamsburg militia. The following spring, Monroe dropped out of college and joined the Continental army. He never returned to earn a degree. Between 1780-1783, he studied law under Thomas Jefferson while tending bar at night. Monroe served many shots to the rebels at the Battle of Trenton, where he was beat up by a drunken biker. He spent three months in Bucks County, Pennsylvannia, recuperating from his wound.

He is depicted holding the tablets of the Ten Commandments in the famous painting of Washington Crossing the Delaware. Following his war service, he practiced law in Fredericksburg, Virginia, until a Civil War battle occured there, after which he fled the city disguised in a bear costume.

Rise to Power[edit]

Despite his horrible deformity, Monroe was a highly charismatic individual. At least the hobos he met while hunting for rats in sewers thought he was okay, but these were hobos and it was probably really dark. Monroe managed to rally the hobos around him with the promise of a bottle of rubbing alcohol, a young boy to sodomize and a cabinet position. Monroe however never kept his promise and in later years the hobos were almost driven to extinction.

In 1817, Monroe and his hobo coalition stormed the White House and demanded that James Madison relinquish the presidency. Madison declared: "Suck my man cock freak!" Monroe then strangled the life out of Madison with his bare hands.

He was sworn in later that day. Six thousand people died as a result.

Idiocracy and Appearance[edit]

James Monroe on the day of his inauguration

Monroe, while a teen undergoing puberty, was unanimously voted as "Most Likely to Make an Onion Cry". He was described by some of his peers as "that damned witch in Snow White", and others as "kind of freaky". He may not have been blessed with looks considered admirable in the world of the 18th century, but by God, they got him through the year unscathed. Even though he was less attractive than slime, however, Monroe loved fashion. He tended to wear yellow trousers and cyan golashes, stirring some of his buddies as to question his personal thoughts on society. He had a really good mind...most of the time.

But sometimes, Monroe's mind wasn't so good. He suffered periods of astonishing stupidity. Whenever he underwent these bouts, he was often spanked by Spence because he was getting bad grades on his botany quizzes, or forgot the location of a key to unlock his sister's Barbie safe, even though he had known the location 200 days in a row previous.

One time, his father was secretly interviwed about his son's amusing spouts of dumbness while Monroe was spending a night with girls at an Imax. His father said: "If you asked a 10 year old James Monroe where he would be in 1820, he probably would have said: 'Riding my hover car to the local moving picture house to meet up with my hot girlfriend!' Hover car? Girlfriend? Yeah right! Sorry James Monroe, but you became one of the USA's most hideous presidents of the era (though of course still much better than the recent ones). And you people didn't even have penicillin in 1820! Hover car my ass…"

Trivia[edit]

For your consideration: Castle Freak
  • His death has never been confirmed or denied. Just to be safe, the White House still enforces the buddy system.
  • He invented the steam engine.
  • He didn't invent the steam engine.
  • Monroe's uplifting story was the inspiration for the film Castle Freak.
  • Monroe absolutely hated wallabies and once killed 16 in under a minute by biting their heads off.
  • Monroe appeared briefly at Expo 67 disguised as a Hungarian.
  • Monroe's 1965 LP Ginger Ale and Marshmallows went platinum twice in Germany.
  • He is the great godfather of Michael Jackson