James Monroe
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“Doctrine This!”
~ James Monroe on The Monroe Doctrine
James Monroe (born: 1758 - died: 1776, 1801, 1831, 1870, 1902, 1926, 1964, 1980, 1991, 2002) was the fifth president of the United States of America and the first person to correctly tell the difference between the words "desert" and "dessert". He had his "s" down pat.
If you asked a 10 year old James Monroe where he would be in 1820, he probably would have said: "Riding my hover car to the local moving picture house to meet up with my hot girlfriend!" Hover car? Girlfriend? Yeah right! Sorry James Monroe, but you became one of the USA's most hideous presidents of the era (though of course still much better than the recent ones). And you people didn't even have penicillin in 1820! Hover car my ass…
was the fifth President of the United States (1817–1825). His administration was marked by the acquisition of Florida (1819); the Missouri Compromise (1820), in which Missouri was declared a slave state; the admission of Maine in 1820 as a free state; and the profession of the Monroe Doctrine (1823), declaring U.S. opposition to European interference in the Americas, as well as breaking all ties with France remaining from the War of 1812.James Monroe was born on April 28, 1758 in a wooded area of Westmoreland County, VA. The site is marked and is one mile from what is known today as Monroe Hall, VA.
Monroe's father, Spence Monroe (1727–1774) was a moderately prosperous planter who also learned the carpentry trade. His mother, Elizabeth Jones Monroe (1730–1774) married Spence Monroe in 1752. They had four children to live to maturity:
Elizabeth Monroe Buckner - of Caroline County, Virginia James Monroe Spence Monroe, Jr. - Died at age 1 Andrew Monroe - of Albemarle County, Virginia Joseph Jones Monroe - clerk of the District Court of Northumberland County, Virginia; private secretary to President Monroe; later settled in Missouri. Between the ages of 11 and 16, Monroe studied at Campbelltown Academy, a school run by the Reverend Archibald Campbell of Washington Parish. There he excelled as a prodigious pupil and progressed through Latin and mathematics at a rate faster than that of most boys his age. John Marshall, later Chief Justice of the United States, was among his classmates. At the age of 16, Monroe enrolled in the College of William and Mary. However in 1774, the atmosphere on the Williamsburg campus was not conducive to study, and the prospect of rebellion against King George charged most of the students, including Monroe, with patriotic fervor. In June 1775, after the battles of Lexington and Concord had sounded the opening guns of the Revolutionary War, Monroe joined 24 older men in raiding the arsenal at the Governor's Palace. The 200 muskets and 300 swords they appropriated helped arm the Williamsburg militia. The following spring, Monroe dropped out of college and joined the Continental army. He never returned to earn a degree. Between 1780-1783, he studied law under Thomas Jefferson.
Monroe fought in the War of Independence, serving with distinction at the Battle of Trenton, where he was shot in his left shoulder. He spent three months in Bucks County, Pennsylvannia, recuperating from his wound.
He is depicted holding the flag in the famous painting of Washington Crossing the Delaware. Following his war service, he practiced law in Fredericksburg, Virginia.
[edit] Rise to power
Despite his horrible deformity, Monroe was a highly charismatic individual. At least the hobos he met while hunting for rats in sewers thought he was okay, but these were hobos and it was probably really dark. Monroe managed to rally the hobos around him with the promise of a bottle of rubbing alcohol, a young boy to sodomize and a cabinet position. Monroe however never kept his promise and in later years the hobos were almost driven to extinction.
In 1817, Monroe and his hobo coalition stormed the White House and demanded that Madison relinquish the presidency. Madison declared: "Suck my man cock freak!" Monroe then strangled the life out of Madison with his bare hands.
He was sworn in later that day. Six thousand people died as a result.
[edit] Presidency
Monroe's presidency was fairly unspectacular. Mere weeks after assuming the presidency, Monroe was locked in the basement of the White House. Occasionally prostitutes would be tricked into entering the catacombs, where they would feed their nation's leader.
[edit] Trivia
- His death has never been confirmed or denied. Just to be safe, the White House still enforces the buddy system.
- He invented the steam engine.
- He didn't invent the steam engine.
- Monroe's uplifting story was the inspiration for the film Castle Freak.
- Monroe absolutely hated wallabies and once strangled one to death with his bare hands.
- Monroe appeared briefly at Expo 67 disguised as a Hungarian.
- Monroe's 1965 LP Ginger Ale and Marshmallows went platinum twice in Germany.
