James T. Kirk
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 Captain Picard Is Annoyed By This Article Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D finds the content of this article most unsatisfactory indeed. Not as distasteful, mind you, as that time he accidentally walked in on one of Guinan's holodeck programs involving three Arabian horses, a weedwhacker, and a drunken and nude 20th century comedienne Roseanne Barr-Arnold in a hot tub filled with Crisco, but thoroughly unpleasant nonetheless. If you do not take immediate action to alleviate this issue, he will be forced to hold a meeting in his ready room. In this meeting, you can be assured mon amie that he will consider all non-violent options first to resolve this distasteful situation. In fact, he may not even discuss the possibility of... just a moment, "computer, tea, Earl Grey, hot." Now where were we? Oh yes... going to red alert and making phasers and photon torpedoes ready. He might have to instruct young Wesley Crusher to accompany him to his personal gym and shower in order to "work out" and thus relieve some of this stress. All the same, you can be quite certain that he will not consider the use of violence at first, if ever. But if he ever does, somewhere near the end of the episode, then he'll resign himself to the fact that he'll be forced to command someone else to open fire. You see, he doesn't actually press that button himself or anything, he is after all the Captain, not some lowly security officer who doesn't even merit a chair of his own on the bridge. |
“Yes we KHAAAAAAAN!!!!!”
~ Barrack Obama on James Tiberius Kirk
“I FUCKING LOVE COMMAS!!!!”
~ James T Kirk on James Tiberius Kirk
Captain, James, T, Kirk, starship, captain, skimmed, milk, enthusiast, ladies', man, dermatologist, kung, fu, fighter, and, Grammy, Award, winning, singer, Boston, lawyer, Jedi,killer, was, born, in, the, year, <9000, in, Iowa, (statements, to, the, effect, that, Kirk, was, born, in, Canada, have, been, flatly, denied, by, the, Canadian, government).
[edit] Early, music, career,
However, in, his, younger, years, he, was, a, prominent, time, traveller, and, went, back, in, time, to, establish, himself, as, the, successful, British, Songwriter, known, as, Jamie, T., and, recorded, an, album, obviously, putting, minimal, effort, into, any, of, it, judging, by, the, fact, he, sounded, like, he'd, just, had, an, easy, morning, at, the, pub, downing, Tequila, and, Jack, Daniels, whiskey, and, that, most, of, it, was, done, in, his, Bedroom.
He, didn't, edit, it, himself, but, in, keeping, with, his, style, got, some, lazy, bum, to, do, it, for, him, who, didn't, bother, to cut, out, other, usually, undesirable, sounds, such, as, one, accidentally, recorded, threat, to, maim, several, children, while, on, their, bikes, using, an, automobile. However, Kirk's, endless, viewing, of, the, Star, Trek, series, in, between, his, skiving,/recording, sessions, seeing, himself, as, an, adult, in, the, far, future, but, in, command, of, a, ship, that, looked, like, crap, on, the, inside, because, it, was, designed, in, a, Television, Studio, abou,t 30,-odd, years, beforehand, caused, a, massive, time, Paradox, allowing, Kirk's, father, to, come, back, in, time, after, him, and, get, on, to, him, for, messing, with, history, having, a, godawfull, mess, in, his, bedroom, putting, on, a, stupid, british, accent, and, attempting, to, asasinate, the, members, of, the, band, Slipknot, who, were, regarded, as, "sophisticated, Classical, musicians," in, Kirks, time, period.
Thanks, to, Doctor, Who, and, Optimus, Prime, the, paradox, was, fixed, leaving, James, and, his, father, trapped, in, 2007. Then, Kirk, and, Gordon, Freman, known, at, the, time, as, Zane, Lowe, got, into, a, massive, war, after, a, shoddy, interview, at, T, in, the, Park, that, same, year. The, two, battled, it, out, until, it, was, revealed, that, Kirk, was, adopted, and, his, biological, father, was, The, Master, Chief, meaning, he, had, the, genetic, ability, to, beat, the, shit, out, of, Lowe,/Freeman,: this, resulted, in, the, cracking, open, of, Lowe,/Freeman's, Skull, releasing, a, huge, amount, of, energised, blood, found, in, people, who, were, blessed, with, a, high, midi, chlorian, count. Ecountering, something, from, a, completely, different, sci, fi, universe, caused, another, paradox, which, sucked, Kirk, and, his, adopted, father, back, to, their, time, period. This, burst, of, time, energy, caused, the, minds, of, the, two, Kirks, and, Zane, Lowe, to, be, wiped.
Captain, Kirk, also, spent, a, brief, while, acting, as, manager, for, the, band, Five, Day, Banana, until, the, singer, lead, guitarist, bassist, drummer, and, turkey, chaser, all, died, of, aneurysms. When, Kirk, returned, to, the, studio, to, find, the, band, members, dead, he, fled, to, Mexico, where, he, enjoyed, a, stint, as, an, armadillo.
[edit] Business, as, usual
Kirk, resumed, business, as, usual, while, Lowe, truly, evolved, into, Gordon, Freeman, by, creating, a, new, identity, to, replace, his, lost one, donning, glasses, that, he, stole, from, the, "Can, You, Hear, Me, Now," Guy, and, going, on, an, eventful, trip, to, the, Black, Mesa, Research, Facility, getting, into, all, kinds, of, hilarious, antics, never, to, encounter, Kirk, again. Following, a, distinguished, career, at, Starfleet, Academy, where, he, beat, the, Japanese, Namey, Scenario, without, cheating, (much), Kirk, gained, notice, when, he, helped, deliver, a, cargo, of, dramatic, pauses,,,,, to, Tangalos, IV, during, the, Galactic Comma Shortage of 2259 (ironically caused by Kirk himself), and, was, soon, promoted, to, the, captain, of, the, Starship, Entercorse, NC-1700,
[edit] Rule, breaker, ass, shaker
Kirk, had, more, violations, of, the, Prime, Directive, than, any, other, Starfleet, captain, violating, rules, against, time, travel, on, no, less, than, 94, occasions. He, later, slingshotted, around, the, sun, backwards, to, travel, back, in, time, and, rewrite, the, Prime, Directive, to, permit, time, travel, but, got, sidetracked, and, brought, back, some, whales, instead. After, the, evil, alternate, universe, Kirk, traveled, in, time, to, re, re, write, the, Prime, Directive, Kirk, again, traveled, back, in, time, to, prevent, a, time, travel, incident. However, it, was, a, wash: since, although, he, successfully, prevented, himself, from, traveling, in, time, decreasing, his, number, of, violations, he, had, to, time, travel, to, do, it, resulting, in, no, net, change, in, Prime, Directive, violations. Then, he, fought, a, floating, head, who, claimed, to, be, God, but, everyone, knows, that, movie, sucked. There, were, better, Voyager, episodes, than, Star, Trek, V.
[edit] Alongside, Shakespearean, actors; death, in, a, girdle
Then, he, was, in, a, good, movie, where, he, killed, a, Klingon, who, quoted, Hamlet.
Kirk, was, tragically, killed, in, a, really, bad, movie, where, the, only, notable, thing, in, it, was, that, he, died. Seriously, there, are, like, fifty, thousand, trekkies, with, better, ideas, they'd, have, given, freely, to, Paramount, yet, they, do, a, crappy, pseudo, time, travel, divide by zero, thing, where, Kirk, proves, he, is, better, than, Picard, and, gets, killed, by, some, stupid, British, guy? What, the, hell, where, they, thinking, I, mean, getting, crushed, by, a, bridge? He, should've, died, for, a, reason, apart, from, saving, a, small, planet, of, weirdos, we, didn't, even, see, all, his, death, did, was, legitimatize, TNG's, existence, but, seriously, it, was, already, established, as, its, own, show, by, the, time, the, movie, came, out.
Even, after, death, Kirk, has, provoked, the, greatest, argument, in, human, history, since, Coke, v/s, Pepsi: Kirk, v/s, Picard. (actually, Kirk, v/s, Picard, is, only, the, third, greatest, argument. The, first, is, Ninjas v/s Pirates, followed, by, To, Be, v/s, Not, To, Be. The, forth, and, fifth, are, Yes, v/s, No, and God, v/s the, Large Hadron Collider.) Everyone, knows, Kirk's, better, though, Worf, was, pretty, cool, too. Geordi, has, the, best, ass, of, all, though. And, he dosn't, have, to, use, the, crappy, paper, glasses, that, the, theater, gives, out, when, he, goes, to, a, 3, D, movie, 'cause, he's, got, his, own.
In, an, alternate, non, canon, universe, written, by, William Shatner, Kirk, is, brought, back, as, a, zombie, by, Romulans, to, kill, Picard, (instead, of, using, you, know, a, phaser, or, something), but, he, outwills, the, entire, Borg, Collective, and, beats, up, Worf. He, ends, up, in, a, Borg, dumpster, before, finding, his, way, back. I, swear, I, didn't, make, that, up. Why, do, the, Borg, still, use, dumpsters?
Although, not, actually, an, official, ninja, Captain, Kirk, was, known, across, Federation, Space, for, his, mad, skillz, in, the, art, of, hitting, things, with, your, fist. His, unique, fighting, style, can, best, be, described, as, a, combination, of, Jack, Bauer, and, Adam West. He, was, also, an, honorary, member, of, The, Ninja, Pirate, Assembly, of, God.
[edit] Captain, Kirk, Interstellar, Space, Stud
Kirk's, mission, in, life, was, to, explore, strange, new, worlds, to, seek, out, new, life, and, new, civilizations, blow, up, computers, by, talking, to, them, and, to, boldly, bang, species, no, man, had, banged, before. And, while, he's, there, some, human, women, too. But, mostly, green, chicks. This, combined, with, all, that, time, travel, is, the, main, reason, why, most, alien, species, are, humanoid. Captain, Kirk, has, had, sexual, relations, with, more, species, than, any, other, humanoid, in, Federation, Space, with, 1337, children, spread, out, across, the, Alpha, Beta, and Pi, quadrants. However, when, a, D, N, A, census, of, the, sector, is, completed, this, number, will, increase, substantially. If, Kirk, is, (as, widely, suspected), the, man, who, fertilized, Atalonia, the, Hive, Queen, of, Talanos, III, then, he, may, have, as, many, as, 37.9, million, children, in, the, Talonosian, system, alone.
In, the, process, Captain, Kirk, became, infected, with, 138, incurable, sexually, transmitted, diseases, which, were, promptly, cured, by, McCoy, (despite, being, incurable), by, the, end, of, the, episode, so, they, could, return, to, the, status quo. The, only, exception, was, Terminal,,, Comma,,, Overuse,,, Disease,,, also, known, as, William, Shatner, Syndrome, and, those, nasty, things, that, get, in, your, ear, from, Star, Trek, II: Wrath, of, Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! (that, scene, was, cut, from, the, movie, and, the, script, however, to, add, more, room, for, awesomeness). As, such, he, poses, a, galaxy, wide, health, threat. Fortunately, Kirk, was, able, to, bring, an, infection, of, Bajoran, pubic, lice, under, control, (Bajoran, pubic, lice, being, sentient, orange, and, purple, six, limbed, saber, toothed creatures, which, grow, to, the, size, of, a, brown, bear), although, he, briefly, lost, control, of, the, Entercorse, to, the, creatures, until, Dr., McCoy, was, able, to, supply, him, with, the, special, shampoo. As, a, result, of, these, cosmic, dalliances, the, Borg, were, somewhat, hesitant, to, assimilate, him, because, "When, you, assimilate, someone, you're, assimilating, everyone, they've, ever, slept, with." The, threat, Kirk, posed, to, the, Borg, was, the, reason, the, Federation, remained, safe, from, them, in, th,e 23rd, century, until, Picard's era, because, they, knew, there'd, be, no, chance, of, Picard, having, an, STD. Or, sexual, thoughts.
Kirk, knows, how, to, get, down
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[edit] The, Tribble, Incident
The, Tribble, Incident, also, known, as, The, Trouble, with, Tribbles--With, Kirk, spending, the, entire, ship's, bankroll, on, Orion, pole, dancers, they, ran, out, of, money, to, buy, the, bare, essentials, for, the, latter, half, of, the, 5, or, 6, year, mission. Until, one, day, he, found, a, small, furry, creature, shoved, between, his, buttocks, while, taking, his, morning, dump. Since, Tribbles, can, breed, on, their, own, he, stocked, the, galley, with, the, little, buggers. Soon, enough, they, were, living, off, "Tribble, Flambé", and,"Tribble, Scotch", and, watching, "Tribble, Cockfighting". Until, one, of, them, bit, Wesley, Crusher, while, he, was, trying, to, wipe, with, it (despite, the, fact, that, Tribbles, don't, have, mouths. Or, any, other, facial, features, or, limbs, for, that, matter). He, got, rabies, and, was, ejected, into, space, with, the, rest, of, the, Tribbles. Funny, thing, was, Wesley, Crusher, wasn't, born, yet, and, was, never, on, Kirk's, crew. Ever. He, was, on, Picard's. Though, Crusher, is, so, annoying, he, spreads, through, time, and, space, and, brothels.
[edit] Spock's, Death
During, a, very, moving, and, poignant, funeral, Kirk, decided, to, say, a, few, words, and, several, commas. Which, is, usually, a, big, mistake. Near, the, end, with, Scotty's, bagpipes, Kirk, has, yet, another, "fuck, the, English, language, up," moment. Or, a, stroke, I, can't, tell, which. Anyhoo, in, the, heat, of, the, climax, instead, of, saying, the, word, "human," he, actually, says, "pointy, eared, knob, jockey," but, then, realises, that, the, tranquillisers, have, worn, off, and, tries, to, save, the, day, by, saying, "mumam". McCoy, looks, on, as, if, he's, ready, for, the, torpedo, tube, too, or, a, blow, job. Again, I, cant, tell, which.
[edit] Reasons, why, Kirk, is, totally, better, than, Picard
Dude, Captain, Kirk, could, totally, kick, Captain Picard's, ass. Just, ask, anyone, at, the, Trekkie, convention. No, not, that, guy, he's, dressed, as, Riker, he's, not, going, to, be, unbiased. Okay, fine, look, I, mean, look, okay, I'll, prove, it. Here's, sixty six, reasons, why, Kirk > Picard
- 68 Kirk, knows, how, to, negotiate, and, safe, up, to, HALF OFF, on, Priceline. Picard, is, too, much, of, a, wuss, to, name, his, own, price.
- 67. PICARD, SLEEPS
- 66. Picard, sings, Gilbert, and, Sullivan, songs, with, his, android, and, can, barely, beat, Klingons, who, fucking, quote, Shakespeare, --- pussies. Kirk,: "Who, the, fuck, is, Gilbert, or, Sullivan?", let's, sing, a, cool, song, instead, Row, Row, Row, Your, Boat, or, Hey, Mister, Tambourine, Man, Play, A, Song, For, Me.
- 65. In, an, alternate, universe, and, a, different, time,, Kirk, went, to, Earth, to, retire, and, became, Denny, Crane. Crane, shot, a, shit, ton, of, Commies, with, a, paintball, gun, that, left, the, god, damn, commies, with, bruises, and, really, annoying, sores. They, never, fucked, with, Denny, Crane, (Captain, James, T., Kirk), again. Picard, only, shot, a, few, borg, with, a, phaser, that, the, borg, eventually, became, resistant, to. Pussy, phasers, can, never, beat, a, good, fist, or, paintball, for, that, matter.
- 64. Has, a, rap, about, him. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zU9ox2mlrG0)
- 63. Has, a, higher, rating, on, his, page.
- 62. Kirk, became, a, real, gangster, picard, needed, a, holo, deck, to, be, one.
- 61. Kirk, would, have, told, "Q," to, get, the, fuck, off, his, ship, and, stay, off, or, his, ass, is, getting, kicked. But, Q, is, omnipotent, and, knows, all, things, so, he, never, paid, Kirk, a, visit. Picard, wasn't, so, lucky, because, Q, wasn't, scared. (By, the, way, "Q," stands, for, "queer".)
- 60. Kirk, would, never, allow, the, serving, of, *fake* alcohol, on, his, ship. Real, men, who, get, laid, need, real, booze!
- 59. Kirk, kills, Klingons, for, breakfast. Picard, wants, to, drink, his, fake, alcohol, with, them.
- 58. Kirk, had, General, Order, 24, and, had, permission, to, blow, the, hell, out, of, a, whole, planet, when, they, want, to, take, hostages. And, still, had, time, to, score. Picard, just, wants, to, negotiate.
- 57. Kirk, NEVER, became, a, Borg. Men like Kirk do not play tennis.
- 56. Kirk, didn't, have, kids, and, families, on, board, his, ship. Picard's, was, nothing, but, families. And, secret, stashes, of, huffing, kittens.
- 55. Kirk's, hand, phasers, at, least, resembled, guns. Picard's, looked, like, TV, remotes, and, dildos.
- 54. Kirk, fought, Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! and, won. Picard, never, even, met, the, man.
- 53. Kirk, would, hit, what, Picard, wouldn't. Or, couldn't.
- 52. Kirk's, Entercorse, could, fly, at, Warp, 10, at, times, once, made, it, to, warp, 14.1. Suck, it, Picard, and, your, stupid, rules, for, how, warp, 10, cannot, be, achieved.
- 51. Kirk, didn't, care, too, much, for, targeting, an, enemy's, engines, or, weapon, systems, Kirk, would, shoot, at, anything, he, fucking, felt, like.
- 50. Kirk, scored, with, green, skin, girls.
- 49. Kirk, won, against, the, no-win, scenario.
- 48. Kirk, went, to, a, planet, and, fought, goddamn, commies, -- and, won! Picard, fought, drug, addicts.
- 47. Picard, doesn't, play, World of Warcraft. Kirk, does, and, he, plays, with, the, Horde, not, that, pansy, Alliance.
- 46. Kirk's, first, officer, was, the, finest, in, the, fleet, whereas, Picard's, first, officer, was, lame. Lame.
- 45. Kirk, never, wasted, time, by, making, us, watch, him, eat, in, the, mess, hall. When, he, went, to, the, mess, hall, to, eat, it, was, actually, to, fight, Romulans, or, score, with, them.
- 44. Kirk, having, passed, third, grade, and, knowing, of, the, dangers, of, a, hard, vacuum, rarely, stood, near, a, window, while, on, the, Entercorse; Picard, had, a, fucking, SKYLIGHT, on, his, bridge. C'mon, dude, that's, just, ridiculous.
- 43. Despite, not, being, the, best, diplomat, Kirk, at, least, had, a, dedicated, communications, officer, on, his, bridge. I'm, not, really, sure, why, she, was, sixth, in, command, but, she, was, at, least, there.
- 42. Kirk's, middle, name, is, TIBERIUS. That's, a, name, a, dragonshark, made, out, of, lasers, would, want. Picard's, is, Luc. Lame.
- 41. Picard, doesn't, have, any, children, Kirk, probably, has, millions. Because, you, know. Sex.
- 40. Kirk, has, slightly, more, hair, than, Picard.
- 39. Kirk, would, never, wear, a, dress, when, admirals, came, for, a, visit. Or, you, know. At, all. Kirk, usually, has, admirals, arrested, and, put, in, the, damn, brig.
- 38. Kirk, could, solve, a, problem, without, having, to, reverse, the, polarity. He, had, at, least, twelve, other, solutions. Three, of, them, involved, scoring.
- 37. Kirk's, female, crew, members, wore, miniskirts, Picard's, wore, slacks. Lame.
- 36. Kirk, would, never, pretend, to, be, a, barber, to, hide, from, his, enemies. He'd, just, rip, off, their, hair, while, it, was, attached, to, their, heads.
- 35. Kirk, doesn't, have, a, problem, with, sending, red shirts to, check, out, strange, sound; Picard, is, a, redshirt.
- 34. Diplomacy, for, Kirk, involved, at, least, seventeen, phasers, and, a, fight, to, the, death.
- 33. Wesley, Crusher, never, once, set, foot, on, Kirk's, ship.
- 32. Captain, Kirk's, heart, never, got, stabbed, and, replaced, by, an, artificial, one, because, Captain, Kirk's, torso, is, actually, made, out, of, a, titanium, steel, forcefeild, Chuck Norris, beard, alloy.
- 31. At, age, 37, Kirk, was, captain, of, the, USS, Entercorse, flagship, of, the, Federation, whereas, at, 37, Picard, was, captain, of, the, USS, Stargazer, a, ship, that, was, unimpressive, even, when, it, was, built.
- 30. On, Kirk's, last, episode, he, may, have, gotten, turned, into, a, woman, but, on, Picard's, last, episode, he, got, his, ship, destroyed. Three, times. Three, fucking, times, dude.
- 29. Despite, Kirk, having, a, slower, ship, he, made, to, the, edge, of, the, galaxy, on, his, first, episode.
- 28. Kirk, knew, how, to, deal, with, omnipotent, beings, with, nothing, better, to, do, than, harass, him: tell, his, parents.
- 27. Kirk's, doctor, was, named, Bones, giving, the, impression, he, at, least, knew, something, about, the, human body. Picard's, doctor's, name, sounds, she'll, maim, you, for, fun.
- 26. Fans, of, TOS, want, to, be, Kirk, fans, of, TNG, want, to, be, Riker. Because, you, know. Picard, was, old. Lame.
- 25. Attack, Kirk's, ship: photon, torpedos, no, questions, asked. Attack, Picard's, ship: Negotiation, no, questions, asked. Except, by, Worf, with, whose, advice, Picard, never, agrees.
- 24. Kirk, never, had, to, split, his, ship, in, half, to, beat, his, enemies. Not, even, once.
- 23. How, many, bad, guys, did, Kirk, beat, up, with, a, single, neck, chop? Jillions. How, many, did, Picard-- oh, wait, none. He, didn't, go, on, away, missions. Except, that, one, time, and, then, the, bad, guys, stole, his, underwear. No, they, did. Lame.
- 22. Let's, face, it: Being, born, in, Iowa, >, Being, born, in, a, French, vineyard.
- 21. Kirk's, helmsman, was, cool, enough, to, get, his, own, ship, Picard's, was, not. (Actually, LaForge, got, a, ship, in, an, alternature, future, Ro, joined, The, Maquis, and, that, brat, teamed, up, with, the, traveler, who, moved, through, spacetime using, the, power, of, his, thoughts.)
- 20. When, Kirk, had, to, deal, with, an, evil, computer, he, blew, it, up, with, logic. When, Picard, had, to, deal, with, an, evil, computer, he, had, Data, solve, the, problem, for, him.
- 19. Kirk, knew, enough, from, the, Tribble incident, to, never, let, cute, furry, things, on, a, starship, after, the, first, time. Picard? There, may, as, well, have, been, a, furry, cute, evil, thing... elevator.
- 18. Kirk, didn't, have, children, on, his, ship, for, more, than, a, single, episode. Little, kids, are, annoying.
- 17. Despite, having, a, crew, of, only, 400, Kirk, was, smart, enough, to, manage, the, people, he, had, so, that, his, chief, engineer, didn't, also, have, to, be, a, helmsman. Also, Picard's, helmsman, was, freaking, blind. (He, got, promoted, to, chief, engineer, the, brat, took, over, the, helm).
- 16. Kirk, never, almost, flew, his, ship, into, an, object, the, size, of, a, solar, system. Maybe, an, object, the, size, of, a, planet, but, never, one, the, size, of, a, solar, system.
- 15. Kirk's, bridge? Not, beige.
- 14. Kirk's, first, officer, didn't, need, a, beard, to, look, manly, he, only, needed, one, to, look, evil.
- 13. Kirk, didn't, have, Lwaxana, Troi, as, a, recurring, guest, character. He, had, Nurse, Chapel, as, a, recurring, guest, character. How, do, you, even, pronouce, "Lwaxana?"
- 12. Kirk, didn't, need, a, holodeck, to, live, his, fantasies. His, fantasies, were, beating, up, Klingons, and, seducing, hot, alien, girls, both, of, which, he, did, in, real, life, every, episode.
- 11. Kirk, once, went, to, the, planet, of, nothing, but, gangsters, and, out, gangstered, everyone, on, it.
- 10. Kirk, had, enough, common, sense, not, to, go, on, away, missions, wearing, a, red, shirt. Sometimes, he, didn't, wear, a, shirt, at, all.
- 9. Kirk's, chief, engineer, was, a, fighty, Scotsman. Picard's, chief, engineer, was, blind, and, hosted, Reading Rainbow.
- 8. Kirk, doesn't, speak, with, a, pretentious, 'English,' accent, even, though, he's, French. Which, he's, not.
- 7. Kirk, didn't, have, a, devoted, chief, of, security, but, if, he, did, his, chief, security, officer, wouldn't, have, had, a, ponytail, or, be, a, girl.
- 6. When, Kirk, gives, his, friends, nicknames, he, gives, them, real, nicknames, not, sissy, ones, like, "Number, One".
- 5. If, Kirk, wants, advice, he'll, ask, Spock, and, sometimes, McCoy. Not, everyone, in, earshot, and, definitely, not, Wesley, Crusher.
- 4. Kirk, can, beat, Vulcans, in, chess.
- 3.1415 Kirk, was, first.
- 3. Kirk, doesn't, need, a, psychic, to, tell, him, that, the, Romulans, have, hostile, intentions. The, Romulans, always, have, hostile, intentions. I, mean, seriously. Fuck, you, Deanna, Troi.
- 2. Kirk, once, made, a, cannon, out, of, a, log, and, shot, diamonds, into, the, heart, of, his, enemy. Picard, lost, a, fencing, match, to, Whoopi Goldberg.
- 1. Spock.
[edit] Famous, Quotes
"Excuse, me, but, what, does, Picard, need, with, a, starship?""
"Captain's, Log, stardate, 4, 1, 2, 4, 4, 4, ., 1. I'm, totally, more, awesome, than, Picard."
"I... have had... enough... of... Oprah!"
"Okay, yes. It's, true, I, never, fought, the, Borg, yeah, but, back, in, my, day, Klingons, had, balls."
"To, beam, or, not, to, beam...that, is, the, question."
"Captain's, log... that, one, always, cracks, me, up"
"Sulu, could, you, direct, me, to, my, horse, ranch? Okay, then, can, you, direct, me, to, your, horse, ranch...? I, see... computer?"
"I, kissed, a, black, bitch, to, help, end, racism!"
"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
[edit] Known Enemies of Captain Kirk
- Captain, Jean, Luc, Picard, of, the, U, S, S, Enterprise, D
- Captain, Benjamin, Sisko, of, the, Deep, Space, 9, and, the, U, S, S, Defiant
- Captain, Kathryn, Janeway, of, the, Federation, Starship, Voyager
- Klingons
- Romulans
- Jack Bauer
- Tribbles
- Tellarites
- Trilobites
- Andorra
- Andorians
- Ithorians
- KHAAAAAN!!!!!
- The comma
- The, twentieth, century.
- San, Fransisco
- SPAM
- Proper, sentence, fluency
- The, Prime, Directive
- The, Temporal, Prime, Directive
- Captain, Picard, again
- Captain, Janeway, again
- Pancakes, Twinkies (hell, food, in, general)
- Grues
- Alex_Jones
- His, own, security, forces.
- Your Mom
- The Church of $cientology
- Wikipedia
[edit] Known and Suspected Sexual Encounters of Captain Kirk
- Romulans
- His, own, right, hand, repeatedly
- KHAAAAAN!!!!
- Adam West
- Uhura
- Erika, Elaniak
- Evil, Mirror, Universe, Uhura
- Nurse ,Chapel
- Yeoman, Rand
- Barbara, Bach
- Probably, You
- Vina, an, Orion, slave, girl, from, Orion
- All Your Base Are Belong Us
- Trish, Stratus
- Mulva, an, Omicronian, girl, from, Omicron, Seinfeld, X
- Leiva, a, Deltan, girl, from, Delta, Vega, III
- Katherine, a, sorority, girl, from, Delta, Delta, Delta, (North, of, Baja, Chapter)
- Androida, one, of, the, Android, Women, of, Thanatos, II
- Katie, Price
- Androida, Beta, another, one, of, the, Android, Women, of, Thanatos, II
- Deanna, Troi, after, time, travelling, in, search, of, nookie
- Eva, a, hot, chick, from, the, Nazi, Planet
- Miko, Mido
- Mew, non-consensual
- The, gold, chick, from, Goldfinger
- This, one, chick, Stacey, he, met, at, the, Home Depot on, Talanton, V
- Energia, an, Energy, Being, from, the, far, side, of, the, Gamma, Quadrant
- Sue, an, Energy, Being, from, just, outside, Cleveland
- Gillian, Anderson
- Cloneena, Clona, and Clonetta, identical, clones, from, Clonon, IX
- Commander, Data, while, he, was, deactivated
- Neural, parasite, from, Neuron, VI
- Jane, Seymour
- Random, girl, seen, in, the, back, of, the, control, room, in, scene, 3, Episode, 17, of, the, Original, Series
- Monica, Lewinski, from, the, Planet, Where, Everyone, is, Monica, Lewinski [O RLY?]
- Haarnia, a, lesbian, nudist, professional, breastfeeder, from, Orgy, VI
- A, couple, of, the, "Doctor Who," companions
- Silicon, based, life, form, from, Hermes, VI
- Germanium, based, life, form, from, Hermes, VII
- Vaseline, based, life, form, from, Hermes, VIII
- Every, one, of, the, female, Dax, symbiotes...and, one, of, the, male, ones.
- Tribbles
- "Spock"
- Turanga, Leela, from, a, "Futurama" cross, over....oh, and, the, Asian, chick.
- God, exept, a, female, version
- His, sister's, college, roommate, Sarah
- Sarah's, lesbian, lover, Betty
- Seven, of, Nine, following, further, time, travel, in, search, of, nookie. By, the, way, when, he, was, there? He, beat, up, Janeway.
- Voyager's, E, M, H, Program
- Your Mom
- Trekkies
- Oscar Wilde
- Alex Jones
- Joan Collins. Twelve, times. In, one, night.
- Charlie, X
- Barak, Obama
- Chuck Norris. (In, fact, he, is, the, only, person, who, has, ever, tired, out, Chuck, Norris. Not, even, Chuck, Norris, can, do, that.)
- The, female, version, of, himself, from, the, last, episode
- That, fat, bitch, from, the, movie, Misery
- Eric Cartman's mom (Now come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?)
[edit] People, Known, To, Have, No, Sexual, Encounter, with, Captain, Kirk
- Captain Picard
- William, Shatner
- Carmine
- Your, cat
- A, jar, of, peanut, butter
- A, watermelon
- Sulu
- Joan, Rivers [unverifiable]
- Rush Limbaugh
- That, scary, guy, who, makes, your, hamburgers, at, Burger King
- Bea Aurthor
- Mudkipz
- Daniel Radcliffe
[edit] Suspected Offspring of Captain Kirk
Because of Captain Kirk's wide reaching sexual exploits, there unconfirmed rumours circulating that he may have up to 11035 illegitimate children. Here are some of his suspected bastard offspring:
- Elton John
- Tom Cruise
- Chris Hansen
- Zac Efron
- Han Solo
- Eric Cartman
- George W. Bush
- You
- Himself (as a result of a one night stand with his own mother during a time travel expedition)
[edit] See, also
- Star Trek
- William Shatner
- King of Canada
- KHAAAAAAAN!!!
- Spock
- Prime Directive
- Tribbles
- Awesomeness
- The United Federation of Planets
- Star Trek: Series Guide
- Shatkins diet
- Sex
[edit] Do, not, see, also
 | People named "Captain" |
|
America - Archer - Arrogant - Awesome - Beefheart - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Charisma - Cook - Courageous - Crunch - D - Denial - Exaggeration - Feathersword - Falcon - Fishcake - Hook - Jack - Jack Sparrow - Janeway - Jesus - Kirk - Lamberton - Marvel - Marvel (other) - Morgan - N - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Picard - Planet - Raccoon - Sarcasm - Scarlet - Selfish - Slow - Ultra - Understatement - Video |
